DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Dear Dr. NerdLove,

First off, thank you so much for all that you do. It was due to one of your articles that, about six months ago, I went to see a therapist about some issues (mainly confidence and anxiety) and I’m on the right track toward being a happier person. I owe you one.

My question has to do with the appropriate way to leverage my job to finding dates. I work at a library (yes, it’s the best job ever, if you were wondering) and as a result I get to meet and chitchat with people on a consistent basis. Sometimes these people are women, and sometimes I just really want to ask them out.

I mean, not only do I get to see and talk to them, but I’ve got a leg-up on what they’re into and a conversation topic built right in, you know?

“Oh, you’re learning Sanskrit, that’s neat!”

“Is this your first time reading A Canticle for Leibowitz? It’s my favorite book!”

And so on.

So conversation and small talk aren’t the issue. That comes automatically with every patron. The problem is that I don’t know how, or if it’s even appropriate, to take it to the next level with some of them.

I’ve spent a lot of my life telling myself that a waitress or a cashier or whoever isn’t into me, it’s just their job to be friendly. Now I’m the one whose job is to be friendly, so how do I actually make myself clear that I’m not just being nice to a person because I have to, I’m being nice because in the space of about five minutes I’ve decided that she’s pretty neat and I’d like to know her better?

Thanks so much for all you do,

Crazy In The Stacks

DEAR CRAZY IN THE STACKS: Hoo boy. Don’t take this the wrong way, CITS but… this is a REALLY bad idea.

Now strictly speaking, yes it’s possible to successfully ask a customer or patron out while you’re at work. But a) it’s Dating 301 at best and b) it has the potential to go horribly, catastrophically wrong all over the place if you screw up.

Let’s put it this way: depending on the type of library you’re working at, people are rarely going there just to hang out and socialize. Most of the time, they’re there with a purpose – to study, to find specific resources, etc. Your job is to assist them in this matter and to help keep the library organized and in working order. This makes you, in many ways, part of the public face of the library. If you’re busy flirting with a patron, then you’re not doing your job, which is hindering their goals. Worse, if they feel like you’re using your position at the library to try to pick up women… well, that can make some people feel incredibly uncomfortable and then they’ll feel less comfortable using the library. And that, in turn, can make trouble for you. Like, lose your job trouble.

And as much as I hate to say it: there’s a gendered element to this. As I’ve said before: women have more to fear from men than men have to fear from women, and most women have had the experience of dudes hitting on them and not taking “no thank you” very well. And when they’re in a position of needing something from you… well that’s not a comfortable place for them to be in.

So having said all that: there’s nothing wrong with chatting and being friendly to the patrons while you’re on the job. That’s just good customer service. But while you’re on the job, unless you’re VERY well socially calibrated, flirting is a bad idea. The best thing you can do is keep things very light and very low-key and let them lead with any flirty behavior. Make yourself approachable and let things build over time – be the cool, fun-to-talk-to guy at the library that they’re happy to see when they come in. That way, when they realize that they’d like to get to know you better, they’ll feel more confident about either sending very clear signals that they’d like to see you after work… or they’ll ask you out.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your piece about asking for help, and it really struck a chord with me, because last year I was diagnosed with depression. The good news is that I’m getting counseling and medication to help me with the issue, and shortly after the episode that led to the diagnosis I met someone who has now become my first girlfriend. I’m not out of the woods yet, but the issues are easier to handle now that I can open up and talk about them with my family.

My question is: when would be an appropriate time to tell my new girlfriend about these issues? I’ve come a bit later to dating/relationships than most other people do, so this is kind of an unusual situation for me. But I feel like she could be a really good support, particularly since she’s the only person (besides my therapist) living in the same city as me who I might feel comfortable talking about this stuff with.

No Clever Acronym

DEAR NO CLEVER ACRONYM: First of all NCA, congratulations on doing so well. Depression is a heavy burden to bear (Winston Churchill – who dealt with chronic depression himself – used to call it “the black dog”) and there are a lot of well-meaning-but-ignorant people who don’t get just how hard it hits you. The fact that you’ve gotten treatment and have someone you can talk to is huge and you should be proud of yourself for taking those steps. And it’s great that you’re able to talk to folks who aren’t your therapist; the support of your social circle is incredibly important when it comes to your mental health and emotional well-being.

Now, as for when you should tell your girlfriend? Honestly, the quick and dirty answer is “when you feel comfortable doing so”, which I realize isn’t necessarily helpful when it comes to issues like mental health. Some people are understandably nervous about divulging that they have an issue like depression and get worried about when, how or even if to disclose. As a result, they tend to end up overthinking things.

The biggest questions are, simply, where are you in the relationship and how much does your issue affect your day to day life? If you’re sharing intimate details of your life beyond the surface issues – less “what do you want to do with your life in the future” and more “here’s these deep and meaningful things about me” – then you’re likely in a good position to talk about your depression. Similarly, if you’re still having black days on the regular – and believe me, even with meds and therapy, they can happen – then it’s worth bringing up just so that she understands what’s going on in your life.

Now as for how you tell her: just lay it out there as plainly and neutrally as you can. People – especially people you’re intimate with – will follow your lead on how you tell them about things from your life. The last thing you want to do is roll this out like it’s something dark and shameful; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an issue that you have that you’re dealing with and are bringing under control, and one that lots of people have. When I’ve told people, I usually phrased it along the lines of: “Just so you know: I’ve been wrestling with chronic depression. I’m getting treatment and talking to a counselor, but occasionally I’ll have bad days; don’t worry, I’ve been learning how to handle them.”

Your girlfriend may have some questions – answer them as best as you can, even if the answer is “I don’t know”. She may not fully understand at first, but if she’s a cool person (presumably she is, otherwise you wouldn’t be dating her) and she cares about you, she’ll at least try to.

While not exactly guidebooks on dealing with depression, you may want to check out Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me: A Graphic Memoir by Ellen Forney and Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened by Allie Brosh. Ellen and Allie both write about life and relationships while dealing with depression (or bipolar manic-depression in Forney’s case) – including talking to friends and lovers about the issue. And they’re excellent books as well.

And while I doubt you have anything to worry about, it’s understandable that you may be nervous about telling your girlfriend that you’re dealing with depression. Even in this day and age, there’s still stigma attached to mental health issues. But here’s the thing: if someone reacts badly to your telling them that you’re dealing with depression, they’ve just told you something critical that you needed to know about ’em: that you’re probably better off not seeing them. To paraphrase Dan Savage: you’ve told them one thing about yourself; their reaction tells you everything about them.

But honestly? I think you’re gonna be fine. If she’s as awesome as you think, then yeah, she will be a good source of support for you.

Good luck, NCA.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I've gotten myself into a bit of an anxious state after a date went bad a few days ago.

For context, the date seemed to go quite well initially. Despite the initial plan falling through we found somewhere else to go and had a bit of a laugh about the situation. A couple of hours after the date I sent a quick message just to say thanks and that I'd had a fun evening. She called me and told me she was upset that I hadn't made a move. I apologised and said that it must have been miscommunication largely down to a lack of experience. She then said that she'd be quite happy to come over and "fix" that. Being the idiot I am I made the same mistake twice in misreading the situation and thought she was joking so laughed it off. I realised my mistake immediately from her change of tone, tried to backpedal but she gave me a "whatever" and hung up.

No big deal in itself, plenty of other people out there. Problem is that we have quite a number of mutual friends and there's a get together next week that not only she will be at, but there's a high likelihood that I'll have to interact with her (it's a social dance where we rotate partners so everyone dances with everyone else). I don't want to not go but at the same time I don't really relish seeing her again, especially since our last interaction ended on such a sour note.

Should I not go? Should I duck out early to avoid her? Should I mention something to my friends so that I don't have to dance with her (without really letting on why)? Or maybe all of these options are simply cowardly and I should just grin and bear it if I'm forced to interact with her? These things seem so much less sticky when it's with people I don't know to well...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

An Anxious Idiot

DEAR AN ANXIOUS IDIOT: When you're starting out, sometimes it can be hard to pick up on the signals that someone is sending you, AAI. Hell, sometimes you miss out on even the screamingly obvious.

Let me tell you a story from my bad old days. There was a night when I was working as a cartoonist and doing some work for the college paper. It was late and the only people in the office were me and another young woman who was putting the final touches on the layout. While we were talking, I mentioned that I was an anime fan. While she wasn't that big a fan, but she'd seen a few movies. In fact, what she really dug were the horror genre and wouldn't you know it, she had one movie she'd wanted to see back in her room but hadn't had the guts to watch it and would I like to go keep her company so she'd feel safe?

(That movie, incidentally, was one of the most notorious animated pornos of the 90s.)

My response? "Nah, thanks, I want to get this finished before I go to bed."

It was only days later that I realized that what she was doing was asking if I'd like to come up for a hot cup of sex.

...oops.

Now in your case AAI, you managed to miss her signals and inadvertently told her that you thought it was hilarious that she was interested in you. So, not gonna lie: you managed to jam both feet in your mouth with room for her fist for dessert. However, the good news is that this isn't as bad as it could be. You were kind of an idiot, but honestly? This isn't social doom... unless you compound that mess. See, the problem is that laughed at her. That stings. A lot. Ducking out or trying to avoid her - or asking your friends to keep her away is just going to end up doubling down on the impression that you really don't like her. And THAT is going to make things far more awkward than if you just sucked it up.

If you want to fix this, you're going to have to smooth over that mistake. That means you need to apologize to her. Preferably in person. The fact that you two are going to be at the same event together is the perfect opportunity to do this. The best thing you can do is go over to her and say "Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I messed up last week. I completely misunderstood what you were saying and I thought you were joking around. I think I may have come of like I was laughing at you instead of with you and I'm just really sorry about that. I really think you're cool and I got nervous and shoved my foot in my mouth. So, again, I'm sorry."

Once you've said this: leave it alone. The ball's in her court now, and she'll let you know how things are going to go.

Now that having been said: it's entirely possible that she's not quite as pissed as you expect she is. It's not impossible that she gets that you said something stupid and the whole thing is water under the bridge. It may even be something the two of you will laugh about later on. But you should still apologize, if only so that you don't freak out every time you see her from now on.

And, honestly, AAI? Don't be ashamed of making mistakes. Mistakes are signs that you tried something outside of your comfort zone. We learn far more from our mistakes than we do from our successes, which is why it's important to go out and make mistakes. The key is that you learn from them and make different mistakes in the future.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 49 year-old gay male that has been in several but relatively continuous long-term relationships ever since coming out at 23. For the past six months, however, I’ve been single – which is the longest that I have ever been single. Although I have enjoyed these past 6 months, I would prefer to be in a relationship. But I think I am too jaded now. Ideally I want the next relationship to be the last one. I want to make sure that I choose wisely to improve the odds, as much as humanly possible, that this next one will work out.

So I want you to analyze my selection process and tell me if I need to tweak or flat out change some of it, because, I don’t trust myself anymore.

Let me start off by saying that I am above average in looks (a solid 8), fit, relatively healthy (physically, emotionally, and mentally), financially stable, and genuinely an all-around good natured nice guy. It is relatively easy for me to find guys to go out on a date. Most of them soon after want to pursue a relationship whenever they realize that I’m a “catch”. I, on the other hand, recently find myself now holding off more than I used to. Am I too jaded?

So here is my process.

1. I usually start by determining how sexually attracted I am to the other person. Unfortunately when the guy is "super hot", I then find myself ignoring "red flags”. The last guy I dated was a Greek god physically, so I ignored the fact that he was a functioning addict for several months. I’ve also tried dating guys that I wasn’t all goo-goo-gaga over their physical attributes (say a 6 out of 10), but had other qualities… However, with these guys, the physical aspects that I didn’t find attractive became bigger over time. So how much weight should one put on initial sexual attraction without it becoming a blinding force or a future hindrance? My current feeling is that I should look for other solid 8s.

2. My next step is determining if it is easy spending the day together. Do we have similar interests? Do I enjoy talking to this person? But I also want him to have his own social circle or interests because I don’t want to be joined in the hip, so we also need to be able to be apart and be comfortable with that. However, it seems that most guys take the time apart as an opportunity to have sex, not to take up golf or join a book club. Am I being unreasonable?

3. Which brings me to my next step – communication and transparency. Life has taught me that most people lie. They lie to create a persona that they want to be – rather than just own up to who you are and embrace it. So it takes me months or years before I find out that the guy cannot be monogamous, or that they have anger management issues, or that they have a drug addiction, or whatnot. So now I usually find myself digging into people’s back stories to find out the truth, rather than just taking what they say at face value. But that usually takes a lot of time. Is there a faster way to get to know people’s true core?

Thank you in advance for your fresh perspective.

Too Judicious or Jaded?

DEAR TOO JUDICIOUS OR JADED: I think your biggest problem is is that you're trying to ward off every possible problem before it can happen. A lot of folks do this; they want to find the perfect path to the "best ending" of the relationship without taking any real risks. The problem is: you can't eliminate risk when it comes to dating and relationships. You can have as many systems and procedures set up as you want, but humans are chaos personified; no matter what precautions you take, people will slip through. And honestly: the amount of testing you're trying to do is going to push dudes away before you even have a chance to start wondering about their long-term potential.

Don't get me wrong: you actually have a better grasp on things than you realize. You have a pretty good idea of what you want and - critically - where your blindspots are. The place where you go off the rails is in how you're trying to compensate for these blindspots.

Take your plan to deal with your willingness to ignore danger signs in dudes with the hotness. The key isn't "just date guys who're moderately hot" it's "get your libido under control so that you don't let your junk make your decisions for you." I mean, I get it: I've dated and slept with people I knew were bad news, but as soon as the clothes came off, all those red flags just mysteriously vanished. But there comes a point where you have to realize the problem is that since they aren't going to stop being garbage fires, you are going to have to exercise more self control. Learning to turn down smoking hotness may be a challenge, but it's a necessary one. Otherwise you're just going to find yourself going after those 9s and 10s and then saying "Well that's another fine mess my penis got me into" afterwards.

(And as an aside: I really dislike rating people like that. It's dehumanizing whether we're doing it to women or men.)

Similarly, your plan of "how easy is it to spend the day together” has a pretty big flaw. In the early days of a relationship, it's gonna be pretty damn easy. You're both going to be on your best behavior because this is all still new and fresh and exciting. Your brains are getting drowned in dopamine and oxytocin and everything is amazing and wonderful and easy. It's later on, when you're more settled into the relationship that the little quirks you thought were so cute and charming start to become annoying... and then irritating and then become dealbreakers.

I think what you need to do, more than anything else, is start by making sure that you're looking for the right people. It seems like you're hoping for a committed, monogamous relationship. While that can feel rare in the gay community, there are dudes out there who want the same thing you do: they want to find someone and settle down. Start by looking for people who're more likely to be on the same page as you. Part of this may hinge on where you're meeting them - while you can find dudes at bars or on Grindr who're of a mind to settle down, you're more likely to find them through your social circle or get-togethers where hooking up isn't the main goal.

Next, if you want to know what they're actually like, then remember: deeds, not words. You need to pay attention to how they behave, not what they say. How do they treat you? Are they considerate and attentive, or dismissive and evasive? How do they treat others? Are they polite and courteous? Catty and dismissive? Excessively flirty and inappropriate? Are they drama magnets where nothing is ever their fault, or do they have their shit together? Are they the sort of person who actually lives their professed values or do they say one thing and do another entirely?

How do they respond when they're frustrated or disappointed? How do they handle conflict? What about when you disagree with them or turn them down?

And, for that matter: how do they respond if you open up a little to them? Do they reciprocate and share more about themselves? Can they be honest with you? Do they close up? Or, for that matter, do they overshare, dishing out more than is really appropriate for where you are in your relationship?

None of this is foolproof and won't keep out the assholes and the liars... but it certainly cuts down the number considerably. The more practice you have paying attention to how they act, the better you'll be able to tune your Spidey-sense and catch out the undesirable prospects.

One more thing you need to keep in mind is that dating is a numbers game. Sometimes we'll get lucky and meet the right person right off the bat, but more often than not, we all have to go through some bad dates and awkward relationships before we find the person we need. But you can't get through to the guy you need without taking a chance. So go out and date a little. Keep your head in the game (instead of your junk), keep your eyes open and take your time. Give yourself a chance to get to know these guys for who they really are and you'll find the one you've been waiting for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband wants to experiment in BDSM play, specifically being dominated.  I’m on board with this but he either won’t or can’t tell me what he wants.  I’ve tried suggesting different ideas but he says no to all of them.  I think he hope that I’ll just do some stuff that he’ll like.  How can I make him understand that none of this can happen without having some frank conversations about expectations, rolls and boundaries?  I need some guidance! 

Domme In Distress

DEAR DOMME IN DISTRESS: I think your husband has a very specific – and possibly porn-inspired – fantasy about what BDSM is. My guess is that he thinks that if he’s at all involved with the planning, or if he’s aware of any planning at all, that the whole thing isn’t “real”.

It’s similar to how couples tend to think that planning when you’re going to have sex makes it less special somehow. In reality, making plans is one of the best things you can do for keeping things hot; not only does it ensure that you’ve reserved time and made arrangements to keep that particular appointment, but you get all of that lovely antici…

…

…pation leading up to it.

Now, when it comes to BDSM scenes, planning isn’t just hot, it’s goddamn required. To start with, you’re right: you need to know where his yes’, his no’s and hell no’s are. The fact that you’re the domme and he’s the sub doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have boundaries or limits… or control for that matter. It’s a cliche amongst kinksters, but subs are the ones who’re in control of the scene. After all, they’re the ones who have the power to call things off. And it’s important to know what he’s into and not into because you, as his domme, need to know how to execute those fantasies effectively and safely. Kink is a full-contact sport after all, and doing it wrong can cause serious damage. For example: Tie someone’s hands wrong, and you can potentially cause serious nerve damage.

So if your husband wants to be dominated, he’s going to need to be a full and active partner in this.

But here’s a way you can thread this needle: tell him he’s going to tell you what he wants. If he’s going to be a good little sub, then he needs to provide his domme with his list of yes/no/maybe. Otherwise, he’s going to have to just sit there and live without… especially if he has to sit there and watch you watch some BDSM porn from Kink.com.

While you’re getting his list, you should do your due diligence too. There’re a number of excellent books to help ease you into the scene; I especially recommend  Midori’s Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink, Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy and Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge. There’re also sites like KinkAcademy that provide excellent instructional videos.

And if you want to stoke the fires a little, consider assigning him some reading material too. There’s a lot of BDSM erotica out there, even if most of it features male doms and female subs; giving him some food for fantasy might motivate him to get you that list and start that conversation a little quicker than just browsing Pornhub on his off-hours. You might want to check out Stjepan Sejic’s graphic novel Sunstone and it’s upcoming sequel Mercy; they’re gorgeous and sweet as well as being almost unspeakably sexy.

But remember: until you two have had that discussion – or series of discussions, for that matter – this can’t move forward. And that means your husband needs to be a good sub and do his part as well.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have recently gotten out of a long relationship and have gotten back into the world of dating. Now I have used dating apps before, but that was when I was 22. Being 26 now, I am beginning to feel that the dating world landscape has changed a lot.

I guess I will just start with my main question. How do you juggle chatting and dating multiple people when you are monogamist by nature? What has been happening is that I feel like I am being flooded with messages and likes by multiple girls and I am not sure how to handle it. In the past, it was almost always one at a time as I was not usually getting that much attention. I always though it was somehow associated with being nerdy, but now I am positive it was just my age and lack of dating experience. I have no idea how girls personally handle this, and I don’t think the amount of attention I am getting is particularly overloading, but it already making me a bit stressed.

I know a lot of other guy’s might read this and just roll their eyes, I am honestly am trying to find the right person, but don’t want to accidentally grow attached to someone who is not the right fit while ignoring someone that could be really compatible, just because I am feeling too tired to interact with them. I have already avoided messaging back to people or even viewing the message so that way I can give myself some breather and then try to dedicate the right time to actually get to know them properly.

My second issue is dealing with what will happen when I start going out on a few dates. I know once I start to feel it out I will gravitate towards one person. That means that the girls I have talked to I will have to let them know that I am not interested in that way. It makes me feel terrible, yet I don’t really feel its inherently wrong. If I am lucky, I may not have to deal with that and the girls I don’t have as much chemistry with will feel the same way (cross fingers).

My plan is to just take deep breaths, not worry, and things will probably just sort themselves out over time.

Thanks for listening,

A Monogamous Guy

DEAR A MONOGAMOUS GUY: You’re seriously overthinking things AMG. The fact that you’re getting lots of attention and messages on the apps doesn’t mean that you’re somehow betraying your monogamist nature; it just means that you’re popular and have multiple options. It’s not as though just talking to potential matches starts the countdown to a committed relationship that you can’t get out of; all that’s going on is that you’re starting to get to know people. Maybe they’ll intrigue you enough to go on a date – a date, singular – with them and see how it goes. Maybe after chatting, you’ll realize there’s no real emotional chemistry there.

Similarly, going on a date, or even a string of dates with someone doesn’t lock you in to a relationship with them. You’ve just gone on some dates; until the two of you actually have that Defining The Relationship talk where you both agree that you’re exclusive, then you’re hardly making an unbreakable commitment.

Also: you don’t really need to give all those other women a formal Thanks But No Thanks once you’ve started something committed with somebody. It’s generally accepted that the connections you’re making via Tinder, OKCupid or what-not are weak and without any real expectation of commitment. If you two’ve been talking for a while and have gone on a date or two then yes, it’s polite to say “hey, it’s been great meeting you but I don’t think we’re right for one another. Good luck with your search!” But if it’s just been casual chit-chat that might lead up to an actual date? Then just let things fade on their own. Conversations dry up and people just quit talking; that’s part of the online dating experience. Most people assume that the folks they’re talking to are also talking to other people. Sometimes that means they’re going to decide they’re taking a chance with someone else, and the other conversations just fade away. It’s an expected part of how things go on the apps.

To be perfectly honest, AMG, I think you’re inventing trouble for yourself. You’ve let yourself get so stressed over the things you imagine that you haven’t even taken the first step to deal with the reality of it all. Take a deep breath, check out the profiles of the people who’ve messaged you. If they interest you, then talk to them for a little and see if that interest goes further. If you two get along, propose a pre-date date where you meet for 15 minutes for coffee and see if you two have sufficient physical chemistry to go on a proper date. If their profile doesn’t interest you? Then just ignore the message and move on.

You’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)