DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  About eight years ago, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It’s recurred about four times since. Doctors throw out the words “inevitable” and “incurable” when talking about my tumor, especially when talking about its recurrence. As a result, I effectively have an expiration date. Not necessarily a scheduled death date, but a date before which I’m best used. Metaphorically.

Anyway, my expiration date is about ten years out. But ten years is a hell of a long time to be alone. So I guess my question is… At what point in the dating process is it considered acceptable (or expected) to reveal that you have an expiration date?

Best Before 2028

DEAR BEST BEFORE 2028: Holy crap.

I don’t really know where to start, BB. I want to say I’m incredibly sorry that this has happened to you, but I realize that this is ultimately kind of hollow. I’m in awe of your attitude, that you’re making a point to live while you’re still alive; many people when finding out they have an expiration date – even if it’s years down the line – tend to give up. It says a lot about you and your strength. I have no idea what I’d do in that sort of situation.

(And honestly, having had to deal with my father’s and grandmother’s estates, the old joke of “max out my credit cards” isn’t really funny anymore.)

You’re right: ten years is a long time to be alone. And the fact of the matter is: none of us really knows when we’re going to die. Even having a certified expiration date – as in your case – doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to make it that far. You might get hit by a meteorite tomorrow morning. You might end up beating the odds and holding on for decades to come. So there’s always an element of risk when it comes to dating someone.

But those are – to quote Donald Rumsfeld – the unknown unknowns. You’re dealing with something known, and something that could very well directly affect both your quality of life and the life of a potential partner… and that’s the sort of information that someone considering sharing their life with you has a right to know about. Unfortunately, I don’t really have any easy answers for you. Rolling it out early on is going to scare a lot of people away. On a purely practical level though, there are going to be many false starts – flirtations that go nowhere, first or even second dates that just fizzle out because there’s no spark to be had. Having to explain each time about your health issues is going to be emotionally draining and possibly even scare off people who might otherwise be a match because… well, Hell, that’s a seriously heavy load to drop on someone.

It was hard as hell when my father told me he had inoperable cancer. I can’t even imagine if someone I just MET told me that.

Speaking strictly for myself, I’d recommend holding it back until the other person has gotten a chance to know you, to invest a bit more in you, so that they’ve started to think more about at least the medium-term possibilities of a relationship if not the long-term. At that point, their level of emotional investment, having gotten to know you as you rather than Man With Expiration Date, is more likely to make them at least consider how they feel without automatically hitting the eject button. But at the same time… I can see how people might see that as cruel and manipulative and might feel as though they’ve been led on by this. And there’s still no guarantee that even someone who was starting to think about where this relationship was going is going to be willing to stick around when you explain to them about your circumstance.

Even a strictly casual relationship is going to be tricky because unless you’re both unfeeling automatons, there’s going to be some mutual affection and caring going on. Knowing that somebody you cared enough to share your body with, if not the full extent of your heart, hid a secret like this from you can be incredibly painful. I could see an exception being made for a one-night stand, where you weren’t going to see each other again… but then again, plenty of relationships have started from one-night stands so…

Calling it a complicated situation is putting it mildly.

Because unfortunately, the specter of The Big C is going to scare a lot of people away. In a lot of ways, it means knowingly choosing to take part in the first act of a tragedy. Many people aren’t going to be up for that. They may not be strong enough. They may be too afraid of the inevitable pain of loss, or the complications that would arise. Someone who’s looking for a life-partner now may not have thought about the fact that being with someone (presumably) for life means being there at the end of life. It’s easy to not think about it when it’s presumably 70 or 80 years away. It’s another entirely when it’s within two years. Or five years. Or ten years. That can make it all too real for a lot of people. And they’re going to self-select out of the dating pool with you because they’re not going to be sure they can handle that or they want to deal with that so (relatively) soon.

I will say – in as much as there’s a bright side –  there’s a bit of cultural confluence right now. A lot of YA fiction has tackled the question of dating someone with a chronic or even fatal illness. John Greene’s young-adult novel The Fault In Our Stars – about a pair of cancer patients who fall in love – hit peak popularity, complete with a movie adaptation not that long ago. One of the themes of the book is that love – even when it’s all too brief – is transcendent and makes even the pain of losing someone worth it when it comes with the experience of loving them.

I’m not saying it’s going to make tragic love stories the new must-have fashion in relationships, but I do think it’s going to prompt at least some discussion over what it means to love someone even when you know that it can’t possibly last as long as you’d like. And that, I think, is what you – and your future partners – should focus on; the transcendence of love and intimacy.

I wish I had an easy or uncomplicated answer for you, BB, but I don’t. The best I have are a lot of very complicated, very tricky options without anything resembling certainty or assurance. A lot of people are going to be unprepared to date someone in your circumstances. Even people who think they might be ready may well find that they aren’t able to handle it, no matter how much they may wish to.

All I can say is that the people who can, who want to try and who will fight tooth and nail to make it work… they’re rare. They’re hard to find. But they are out there. And when you find them, they are more precious than diamonds and gold. They are the ones who understand that loving someone, even knowing that you’re going to be saying goodbye to them some day much sooner than you’d like, is never wrong. And the power and intensity of that love, the time spent together and the memories that remain are always worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m writing to you because I think I have a problem with my girlfriend and I’m not sure how to solve it. First of all, English is not my first language so I’m sorry for any mistake in my letter.

I’ve been with her for 6 years and we moved together last year. It’s been great so far and we’re still very happy together, or at least I think we are. I’m not into the idea of marriage and family but, if I was, I’m sure she’d be the girl I’d want to spend the rest of my life with.

I think it’s perfectly normal for a couple that has been together so long to fall into a sort of “routine” and not be as passionately in love as one is in the first years of the relationship. We still have a good time together and have a regular sex life, we’re still very attracted to each other and the moving together part has been mostly good.

So my problem started a few weeks ago, when she first expressed the interest in seeing other people and having an open relationship. We discussed it a few times and she’s always the one to be more open and interested in the idea. I asked her if this was about someone else in particular and she said no, just that it was something she thought could be good for us and could “break the routine”, allowing us to have new experiences knowing that we will be stronger because of this. 

She told me that she’s so sure about our relationship that she’s willing to do this because she knows she wants to be with me, it’s just about new experiences and not about me or any doubts about or relationship.

That’s all fine and it completely makes sense to me. I would potentially be interested in meeting other people and having an open relationship, but the truth is that it scares me. Rationally speaking, I know monogamy is against our nature as animals and it’s very hard to be with the same person for many years without feeling the need of exploring new things.  On the other hand, I never considered open relationships to be a good idea, and there’s where I’d really love your opinion. I don’t know anybody who’s ever been in one, but I’m afraid it might lead to heartbreak, jealousy, trust issues and breakup.

My girlfriend and I agree on the need to establish some ground rules, like no exes or no close friends. One of the rules she suggested was “no sex, just making out or fooling around”. Do you think it would be better – or less hard to tolerate? Do you have specific advice about establishing rules?

I know it’d be hard for me, but I also want to say yes to my girlfriend and try to make it work, if that’s what she wants. She brought it up four or five times already, so I’m sure it’s something she’s really thinking about. The thought of her “wanting more” scares me and upsets me, but I don’t know if it’s just pride or the realistic chance of losing her. I want to be mature about this and enjoy all the positive aspects, but I just don’t know if something like this could ever end up well for the both of us.

Thank you for you time

Opening The Door

DEAR OPENING THE DOOR: One of the biggest – and most damaging – lies that we tell ourselves about relationships is that monogamy is natural and easy. We get told that if we really love someone, then we never think of anyone else and we never want anyone else. This cultural lie has caused more unnecessary emotional pain and trauma in relationships than… damn near any other myth we tell about relationships, really. The truth is that, we’re novelty-seeking mammals and part of the whole package is that we are literally built for multiple partners. Biological issue like the Coolidge Effect kick in and suddenly sex with the same partner doesn’t have the same zing as it did before; our brains don’t produce the same levels of dopamine and oxytocin during sex as it does with a new partner.

Now the fact that monogamy isn’t our default state doesn’t mean that it’s bad, or wrong… just that it’s difficult. It’s perfectly normal to want to sleep with other people, no matter how much you love and desire your partner. A monogamous commitment just means that you choose not to.

But monogamy isn’t for everyone and that 7-year itch isn’t entirely BS. For a lot of people, there comes a point where they may love their partner… but they also want to sleep with other people.

And that’s where your girlfriend seems to be, OTD. She’s made it pretty clear that she really wants to open things up. So clear that, honestly, I’m wondering if the next time the topic comes up, it’ll be as an ultimatum, instead of a request. You, on the other hand, are pretty sanguine about it. In theory, yes, it’s an opportunity for you too. In practice, it may not be. In general, it can be easier for women in open relationships to find partners than it is for men. Women tend to be a little more cautious around men who claim to be open or poly, for good reason; many a woman has found out after the fact that the other partner in the “open” relationship had no idea about the arrangement. Men… tend to not care quite as much.

But that aside… what are the risks to your relationship? Will opening things up lead to jealousy or heartbreak? Could it lead to the end of your relationship? Sure, that’s a possibility… but then again, that’s a possibility in a closed relationship, too. Monogamy isn’t a Protection Against Break Ups spell; closed relationships fall apart just as readily and often as open ones.

By that same token, however, the same things that help preserve a closed relationship are the same things that preserve an open one: communication, intimacy, communication, gratitude, sex, and communication.

Does this mean that opening things up is a good idea for you? That’s harder to say. Just as monogamy isn’t for everyone, neither are open relationships. It takes a high level of trust and open communication to make an open relationship work; because it involves other people and the thrill of the new, it’s easy to inadvertently let your main relationship suffer while you’re caught up in that New Relationship Energy.

It’s pretty clear that you’re not really keen on the idea. But at the same time, there have been plenty of couples who started off with one partner begrudgingly agreeing to things and then starting to love it themselves. Maybe that’s you. Maybe it’s not. Only you can say.

What I will say is that you two need to do a lot of research and talking before you agree to anything. Trying to open things up when you’re unprepared is a great way to do a lot of unintentional damage to your relationship. So you and your girlfriend need to do your due diligence and a hell of a lot of studying. I strongly recommend that you start with several books: Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickart, and Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel. The first two will help give you practical advice on the best practices with regards to opening up a relationship; the third will help you understand why monogamy can be such a challenge. I also recommend Building Open Relationships by my friend Dr. Liz Powell, which is available for pre-order.

If – and this is a mighty big if – you do decide to give an open relationship a chance, then start slow. Even if you think you’re ready for things, diving in head first is often a recipe for disaster. It can be incredibly demoralizing when your girlfriend goes out and immediately finds a partner, especially when you’re still getting used to the idea.  Even just “fooling around”, might be enough to kick your soul in the nuts. Take baby steps at first: kissing and make-outs to start, and see how you feel. You may realize that you’re cool with it. Or it may be a kick in the gut at first, but with time and communication, you’ll find that you’re ok.

And it may be that you will have to ask your girlfriend to hold up while you look for a partner. If your relationship ends up functionally only open on her side, this can torpedo something that might work if things were more equitable. The fact that you are looking for a little strange doesn’t negate your responsibility to each others’ happiness and well-being.

Jealousy will happen. But if the two of you can communicate clearly, openly and with empathy and compassion, you can work through it.

This can be hard… but it could also be amazing. Only you will know if this is something that’s right for you. So do your research and do a lot of talking before you decide, one way or the other.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently went through an extensive security clearance update, and during that process (which, for my level of clearance is quite extensive) my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were investigated for various things.

During that investigation it was revealed that my brother-in-law had been having multiple affairs during the marriage and was currently carrying on another long term affair. I didn’t inform my sister-in-law immediately with the information, because at the time I didn’t think any good would come from it.

This week, this affair started to affect my husbands business in the form of a new secretary; she proceeded to tell everyone in the office all about her liaison with my brother-in-law, including customers. So my husband and I told my sister-in-law about the secretary… and all of the others.

Of course she has now accused us of lying and trying to profit from telling her. Not sure what we would be gaining…

Anyway, now my husband has disowned her, and I was thinking of just posting everything online and letting the chips fall where they may.

So my question is do I have someone secretly give her the photos, emails, texts, voicemail recordings etc. or do I just cut ties and let her figure it out on her own? You were definitely right when you said in a previous article that the wounded always “shoots the messenger”,even when it’s family. Any insight on how to repair this and move forward? Or is my husband right, and we should just cut ties and forget them and when my brother-in-law eventually leaves for the young girl tell her I told you so?

Caught In The Middle

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: My advice is to stay the hell out of it, CitM. This is humiliating enough for your sister-in-law.  It’s bad enough that her husband is cheating on her; having other people rubbing her nose in it just pours salt on an already gaping wound.

Your brother-in-law is already twenty pounds of jackass in a five pound sack and his current paramour isn’t much better. It’d be far better for your husband to apply the Chair Leg of Truth upside his brother’s head; not only is he treating his wife abominably, but it’s also spilling out into your lives as well.

But your sister-in-law, unpleasant as she may be acting right now, is the victim here. I’m not surprised that she lashed out the way that she did; she’s feeling hurt and humiliated. She’s having an entirely unsurprising reaction to humiliating news; accusing you of making it all up is a defense mechanism. It’s a way of trying to force this to not be happening. She’s being incredibly unpleasant, yes, but she needs sympathy right now.

Now, if you want to give her some leverage in the divorce proceedings that she really should be initiating… well, offering her the evidence will certainly give her a leg up on the guy who’s not only cheating on her but dragging everyone else into his mess. But otherwise: keep out of it. This isn’t your fight, and the petty satisfaction isn’t going to be worth the profound pain that you’ll inflict on her if you decide to say “I told you so.”

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have been dating this guy for the past 1 year, and I really think he is the one. But he had this theatre production to manage intensely for a week, and he fell in love with one of his colleagues. However, he maintains the fact that when he realized he fell in love with her, he never acted upon it and chose to stay with me. He says that for him, it is not considered cheating and that he did nothing wrong.

Yet, we have completely different ideals. I don’t believe in how one person can be in love with two people at the same time, whereas he says his heart is big enough for it. Isn’t falling in love with another person while being attached cheating? Doesn’t it mean that I am not enough for him? But he keeps saying that he has never compared the two of us, and I am enough for him. So why did he fall in love with her? He says that he cannot control how his heart feels but it sounds so wrong.

I love him so much, but if I stay with him, I will be compromising my biggest ideal, which is to love one only. 

What do I do? I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know if I should be compromising on what i believe very deeply.

Sick At Heart

DEAR SICK AT HEART: A couple of things, SAH. First and foremost: I think your boyfriend needs to dial things back a little. What you describe sounds way more like a crush or infatuation than love. Not that this makes it any easier on you, granted, but a week is pretty damn fast to suddenly decide you’re in love with someone. Something tells me that he’s feeling that crush and rounding up… like, a lot. And, honestly? your boyfriend would’ve been better off keeping that to himself.

I think his dumping this on you introduced a lot of unnecessary anxiety and drama into your relationship – drama that could’ve been avoided if he’d kept his mouth shut about it. Because, straight talk: if nothing happened, then there’s really nothing to report.  Relationships aren’t court depositions; you don’t need to tell your partner literally everything. You have a right to NOT know things and the fact that your boyfriend was infatuated with someone for a hot minute is one of them.

But let’s talk about things from your end, SAH. You are someone who’s solidly monogamous and that’s awesome. But one of the things that people tend to get wrong about monogamy is what it entails. Monogamy just means that you have agreed to not date or sleep with someone else. It doesn’t say a thing about not wanting to.

Because here’s the thing: asking whether this means you aren’t enough for him is asking the wrong question. No one person can be all things to their partner; we as a species are built for wanting variety. He’s going to find himself attracted to other people, just as you are going to find yourself attracted to other people on occasion as well. There will be a point where you realize that you’ve got a crush or some heart flutters or pants-feelings for someone else too. 

This is perfectly normal and natural and happens all the time. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love him enough or he doesn’t love you enough. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your relationship or that you’re not doing enough to make things work. All those random crushes tell you is that you’re both humans and humans – like bonobos and dolphins – like bangin’.

Now if we move from the groin to the heart… well, that’s where things are complicated too. Now, obviously, people are capable of loving more than one person at a time; families and friendships are predicated on this after all. But in terms of romantic love? Yeah, there’re folks out there who have romantic connections with more than one person. Some folks have a lot of love to give or a lot of room for other partners in their lives. This doesn’t mean they love any one of them any less. That’s just how they work, romantically. This is neither good nor bad; it’s just how they are. There are a lot of books out there on non-monogamous relationships and polyamory if you want to learn more about how it works, but the short version is: there are plenty of people out there who have mutually fulfilling romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time. The style and shape of the relationship can vary (rather drastically at times) but the core remains the same as what you have with your boyfriend. Just with a larger cast is all.

But let’s get to the meat of your situation, SAH. Remember when I said that “Am I enough for him” was the wrong question? Here’s the right one:

“Am I satisfied with this relationship?”

It’s not about whether he might be attracted to other people – he is, because he’s human, just like you – but whether he is happy and satisfied being with you and making a monogamous commitment to you? He said some stupid things, yes, but do you trust that he’s telling you the truth? Do you believe him – not just accept that he said it but honestly believe him – when he says he cut things out before anything untoward happened? Do you believe him when he tells you that he’s happy being with you and only you, regardless of random, meaningless crushes?

If you do, then the biggest problem is that he could stand to not say every thought that flits through his head. Because, for real, that sort of thing is not a great indicator of maturity or emotional intelligence and he needs to work at that.

If you don’t, or he demonstrates that he’s saying one thing to make you happy but doing another entirely? Then it’s time to reconsider whether it’s time to find someone else.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  A few days ago, I made a joke tinder account with friends, with a fake age, job, etc., but all the pictures were my own. Turns out, I really hit it off with a guy and he was still interested after I told him my real information. The thing is, he’s 23 and I’m 17.

Is there any hope for a relationship? 

Sincerely,

Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED: Let me make this easy for you: No.

I’ve had people pull the “SURPRISE, I WAS COMPLETELY MISLEADING YOU! ” card on me before and y’know what? That’s a big buzz-off-deal-breaker right from the jump.

The fact that this guy of yours is still interested, regardless? That’s a red flag and some serious side-eye from me.

But the fact that he found out that you’re still a minor and he’s still interested? That’s a not just no but HELL no.

Sure, you’re ALMOST 18. But almost isn’t the same thing as is, and I have some very strong questions for a grown-ass man who’s ok with the whole “not actually legal” part.

But let’s pretend that I’ve hit my head and for some reason I’ve decided to sign off on a guy in his 20s who wants to date a teenager. Even if that wasn’t a military-parade-in-Tiananmen-Square number of red flags, the fact that a six year difference when he’s 23 and you’re 17 is way the hell more significant than if you were 26 and he were 32. You’re in very different places in life, and that alone is going to put some major roadblocks to a successful relationship.

But the fact that there’s that much of an age difference AND he’s still interested after the whole “you’ve been punked” reveal AND learning that you’re underage?

Sorry, Conflicted, this is setting off my Spidey-sense something fierce.

Do yourself a favor. Cut things off with this guy, stick to dudes who’re closer to your age and stay off Tinder until you aren’t having to lie about your age on there.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)