DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have been dating this guy for the past 1 year, and I really think he is the one. But he had this theatre production to manage intensely for a week, and he fell in love with one of his colleagues. However, he maintains the fact that when he realized he fell in love with her, he never acted upon it and chose to stay with me. He says that for him, it is not considered cheating and that he did nothing wrong.

Yet, we have completely different ideals. I don’t believe in how one person can be in love with two people at the same time, whereas he says his heart is big enough for it. Isn’t falling in love with another person while being attached cheating? Doesn’t it mean that I am not enough for him? But he keeps saying that he has never compared the two of us, and I am enough for him. So why did he fall in love with her? He says that he cannot control how his heart feels but it sounds so wrong.

I love him so much, but if I stay with him, I will be compromising my biggest ideal, which is to love one only. 

What do I do? I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know if I should be compromising on what i believe very deeply.

Sick At Heart

DEAR SICK AT HEART: A couple of things, SAH. First and foremost: I think your boyfriend needs to dial things back a little. What you describe sounds way more like a crush or infatuation than love. Not that this makes it any easier on you, granted, but a week is pretty damn fast to suddenly decide you’re in love with someone. Something tells me that he’s feeling that crush and rounding up… like, a lot. And, honestly? your boyfriend would’ve been better off keeping that to himself.

I think his dumping this on you introduced a lot of unnecessary anxiety and drama into your relationship – drama that could’ve been avoided if he’d kept his mouth shut about it. Because, straight talk: if nothing happened, then there’s really nothing to report.  Relationships aren’t court depositions; you don’t need to tell your partner literally everything. You have a right to NOT know things and the fact that your boyfriend was infatuated with someone for a hot minute is one of them.

But let’s talk about things from your end, SAH. You are someone who’s solidly monogamous and that’s awesome. But one of the things that people tend to get wrong about monogamy is what it entails. Monogamy just means that you have agreed to not date or sleep with someone else. It doesn’t say a thing about not wanting to.

Because here’s the thing: asking whether this means you aren’t enough for him is asking the wrong question. No one person can be all things to their partner; we as a species are built for wanting variety. He’s going to find himself attracted to other people, just as you are going to find yourself attracted to other people on occasion as well. There will be a point where you realize that you’ve got a crush or some heart flutters or pants-feelings for someone else too. 

This is perfectly normal and natural and happens all the time. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love him enough or he doesn’t love you enough. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your relationship or that you’re not doing enough to make things work. All those random crushes tell you is that you’re both humans and humans – like bonobos and dolphins – like bangin’.

Now if we move from the groin to the heart… well, that’s where things are complicated too. Now, obviously, people are capable of loving more than one person at a time; families and friendships are predicated on this after all. But in terms of romantic love? Yeah, there’re folks out there who have romantic connections with more than one person. Some folks have a lot of love to give or a lot of room for other partners in their lives. This doesn’t mean they love any one of them any less. That’s just how they work, romantically. This is neither good nor bad; it’s just how they are. There are a lot of books out there on non-monogamous relationships and polyamory if you want to learn more about how it works, but the short version is: there are plenty of people out there who have mutually fulfilling romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time. The style and shape of the relationship can vary (rather drastically at times) but the core remains the same as what you have with your boyfriend. Just with a larger cast is all.

But let’s get to the meat of your situation, SAH. Remember when I said that “Am I enough for him” was the wrong question? Here’s the right one:

“Am I satisfied with this relationship?”

It’s not about whether he might be attracted to other people – he is, because he’s human, just like you – but whether he is happy and satisfied being with you and making a monogamous commitment to you? He said some stupid things, yes, but do you trust that he’s telling you the truth? Do you believe him – not just accept that he said it but honestly believe him – when he says he cut things out before anything untoward happened? Do you believe him when he tells you that he’s happy being with you and only you, regardless of random, meaningless crushes?

If you do, then the biggest problem is that he could stand to not say every thought that flits through his head. Because, for real, that sort of thing is not a great indicator of maturity or emotional intelligence and he needs to work at that.

If you don’t, or he demonstrates that he’s saying one thing to make you happy but doing another entirely? Then it’s time to reconsider whether it’s time to find someone else.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  A few days ago, I made a joke tinder account with friends, with a fake age, job, etc., but all the pictures were my own. Turns out, I really hit it off with a guy and he was still interested after I told him my real information. The thing is, he’s 23 and I’m 17.

Is there any hope for a relationship? 

Sincerely,

Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED: Let me make this easy for you: No.

I’ve had people pull the “SURPRISE, I WAS COMPLETELY MISLEADING YOU! ” card on me before and y’know what? That’s a big buzz-off-deal-breaker right from the jump.

The fact that this guy of yours is still interested, regardless? That’s a red flag and some serious side-eye from me.

But the fact that he found out that you’re still a minor and he’s still interested? That’s a not just no but HELL no.

Sure, you’re ALMOST 18. But almost isn’t the same thing as is, and I have some very strong questions for a grown-ass man who’s ok with the whole “not actually legal” part.

But let’s pretend that I’ve hit my head and for some reason I’ve decided to sign off on a guy in his 20s who wants to date a teenager. Even if that wasn’t a military-parade-in-Tiananmen-Square number of red flags, the fact that a six year difference when he’s 23 and you’re 17 is way the hell more significant than if you were 26 and he were 32. You’re in very different places in life, and that alone is going to put some major roadblocks to a successful relationship.

But the fact that there’s that much of an age difference AND he’s still interested after the whole “you’ve been punked” reveal AND learning that you’re underage?

Sorry, Conflicted, this is setting off my Spidey-sense something fierce.

Do yourself a favor. Cut things off with this guy, stick to dudes who’re closer to your age and stay off Tinder until you aren’t having to lie about your age on there.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years, and everything was great at first until she started having troubles at home.

I tried to help her but she refused help from me, saying that she could take care of it herself. She started confiding in a new friend she had made in school instead of talking to me. She eventually ended up cheating on me after our engagement and forced me to stay, saying that she needed the both of us to help her get through her problems.

She eventually started using me as a way to let out her anger and then she realized that he was only in it for the physical side of the relationship. After I had gotten the courage to leave her, she convinced me to come back and it seemed that she was back to normal. Then after I started showing suspicion of her actions again a year later, we started arguing a lot and she eventually forced me to let her cheat on me again, and even tried to force me into an unwanted sexual situation. I regrettably left her after that, but she wouldn’t let me move on and still kept using me for her anger. Its two years later, and I have fallen into a rather bad depression, been professionally diagnosed with emotional PTSD, and went through two instances of her cheating on me online.

I’m constantly on edge with her and she never comes to visit me anymore. She even told me she would rather spend time with her neighbor, her son, and her polyamorous mother’s boyfriend and his friends than me, but she still keeps me around for random moments of talking and telling me about her problems. She tells me that she loves me but I don’t know whether to believe her and I’m always suspicious of her. She said that her cheating was a combination of mine and her abusive step father; but mostly my fault for “being too controlling and demanding of her” when all I did was try and spend as much time with her and take an interest in what all she liked to do.

I admit that I would get angry because some of her actions, and I easily get jealous of the guys she talks to. But I never yelled at her or hurt her. I eventually stopped telling her about my problems and tried to just focus on her but now she says that I’m difficult to talk to and that I don’t seem like my old self.

When I explain why after she pesters me about it, she gets angry and says I need to quit doubting her and she isn’t cheating and what happened is my fault.

What should I do? I love her more than anything but I don’t know what to think anymore.

Lost In A Fog

DEAR LOST IN A FOG: Dude. DUDE. You know what you need to do:

You need to get the hell out of this relationship. Not just leave, but run like all of Hell and half of Hoboken were after you.

I’m not going to mince words here: you’re being abused. This whole “it’s all your fault I cheated on you, so why can’t you trust me” business is what’s known as gaslighting; she’s telling you that you’re the real villain here while she abuses you. It’s the same logic of “I only hit you because you make me so mad” – she’s telling you that it’s your fault that you’re being abused. Getting angry and jealous (though let’s be fair, it’s not exactly without cause) ain’t a good look but it’s also not an excuse for someone to abuse you either.

I’m entirely unsurprised that things were good for a while after she convinced you to come back. This – as with many cases – is something abusers do. They lovebomb their victims to get them to come back and stay, under the idea that things will be better now. And yet, like clockwork, the abuse starts again.

So, once again, for the back row: you are being abused. It is NOT your fault. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. NOW.

Leave her. Take the full nuclear option and cut off all contact. Delete and block her number. Block her on every social media service you’re on. Have no contact with her ever again. Tell your friends not to give her access to you. If she comes to you in person, refuse to talk to her. Cut her out of your life like the cancer she is and never talk to her again.

And just one more time to drive the point home: 

She is ABUSING you.

It is NOT your fault. 

I would also suggest that you might want to talk to a therapist, especially someone who specializes in victims of emotional abuse. If you’re not still in contact with the therapist who diagnosed your PTSD, then you might want to try going to the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists; they have a referral directory that can help you find a sex-positive therapist in your area.

Good luck, LIAF. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So my dilema is this: I’m a 20 year old who is relatively inexperienced in the dating scene. I only managed to gather the courage to ask a girl out last year and that was unsuccessful.

I’m a relatively shy person to begin with but I managed. After that, I decided to try my luck with online dating. I messaged this girl and we hit it off. Eventually I messaged her my number since she usually takes a anywhere from a day to a week to respond on this dating site. She messages me afterwards around 1am (probably insignificant). We’ve been texting on and off for a little bit (Probably 20 texts in November and not including December or January since she was out of the country. We have a lot in common and I genuinely feel there could be potential here. I decided to see if she was still interested after the 2-month gap; so I messaged her, started a conversation (went well, humor and what not) and proceeded to seeing if she was interested in meeting up. She said “Yeah, Sure!” She mentioned that she works everyday (potential red flag) but possibly sometime after work or something! Now, when I asked her out (Thursday) to see if she wanted to meet up on Saturday, she mentioned she had plans with her sister( she got specific), which was understandable since it was short notice. So I decide to ask her when she’s free. That was on the 7th. Haven’t heard from her since.

So my question is, do i just wait or forget about her completely given her lack of response (she mentioned she was going abroad in March). I’m probably overanalyzing the hell out of this. I’ve just never made it this far so it’s sort of uncharted territory for me. So what should I do next?

Also, I’m really interested in getting into the dating scene and breaking out my introvert shell, but still have no clue where to start. I’d go to a bar but I’m in that limbo stage where Im old enough to go out but not old enough to drink. I just want to become more social overall with people outside of my group of friends currently. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Giving up The Ghost

DEAR GIVING UP THE GHOST:

First of all, GUTG, congratulations on asking somebody out! It’s a shame that it didn’t work out but come on man, that takes guts! You should be proud of yourself for taking that step in the first place!

Now, with your friend… I hate to say it, but I think their interest waned. As a general rule, the best practice for meeting people on dating sites is to meet up in person as soon as you can. It’s very easy to lose emotional momentum when you’re talking to someone on a dating site. The longer you go from that initial connection, the more that excitement tends to fade. If you dig someone and they seem to dig you, then see about setting up a pre-date date. Get some coffee, play some boardgames and see if the chemistry you have over email and texting.

As for what to do with the situation as it stands? I’d say give it one more text  and see if she’s available on a specific day – not a “let’s hang out some time” but “Hey, I need coffee and could use some company. Why don’t you join me?” or “There’s this event at $PLACE happening at $DAY_AND_TIME, and think you’d enjoy it. Would you like to go with me?” and see what she says.

If you get radio silence or a vague “I’ll have to see”, then you have your answer: she’s not interested. And if it’s just that she has other things keeping her busy… well, ball’s in her court now. Up to her what to do with it.

And the best advice I have for being more social is to go out and just practice being more social. Find some activities going on in your town that you’d like to do and go participate. Pick things you really enjoy, so that you’ll feel more comfortable there even if you don’t talk to a lot of people. You don’t need to be Mr. Super Outgoing; in fact, I’d suggest baby steps at first. But getting some practice in working on any shyness or social anxiety you may have is going to serve you well in becoming a more social person overall.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a recent college graduate who is struggling to make new friends, and was hoping to hear your thoughts on this issue.

I currently have a small but solid group of friends left over from college, who I would describe as eccentric nerds and would-be intellectuals, as well as a SO. But, my SO and I will be moving out of state in the near future to a place where neither of us have any preexisting connections. In the past, I’ve met most of my friends through other friends, but now I’ll have to almost completely start over socially, and I really don’t know what I am going to do.

I’ve wanted to make new friends since graduating – if nothing else to practice before the big move – but even after reading your articles on the topic I’m still feeling at a loss as to how to do it. I’ve tried going out to bars and local events, but people at these places attend with their preexisting friends and don’t show much interest in talking to new people. I’ve also tried attending a few MeetUps related to my interests, but at these most of the attendees are regulars mostly interested in socializing with other regulars.

To make things more difficult, I just don’t seem to click with the new people I do manage to interact with, even at events related to my interests. When I start talking to new people, the conversations mostly consist of awkward small talk, leading to me and the other person feeling awkward and causing the conversation to fizzle out. I just don’t feel like I have much in common with most people out in “the real world”, and I’m not sure where to find people that I do have more in common with. I did find (a few) people that I had more in common with in college, but after college it seems like they have become a lot harder to find.

I just don’t understand how people make new friends when they move to a new city and have to start over. Any advice would be much appreciated.

– At A Loss

DEAR AT A LOSS: You’re dealing with an incredibly common problem, AAL. College is a time – the last time, really – when it is incredibly easy to meet people and make new friends. It’s a perfect storm of what you need to make friends: a large pool of people approximately in the same stages in life, with similar interests and relatively few demands on one’s time. You’re in a setting where socialization is not just accepted but encouraged, and where you have enough in common to bridge the gaps between what you don’t share.

Once we graduate… we almost never find a place where those same conditions all fall together. So instead, we have to improvise.

A lot.

Now, the general formula for making friends is commonalities + intentionality + time spent together. This is one of the reasons why a lot of people find their social circles often revolve around work and/or church; they’re places where you see the same folks over and over again. You have two of the three things you need for friendships to bloom. But friendships don’t happen spontaneously; that stops happening once you’re out of grade school. If you want to make new friends, you have to make them happen.

Let’s take what you’ve been doing, AAL. You’ve actually been doing many of the right things already. Leveraging your interests to meet people is one of the best ways to find folks you’re compatible with, whether you’re looking for a friend or a relationship. So going to MeetUps and joining groups that revolve around the things you’re passionate about is a great start.

The problem is that this is only one part of the formula. You can’t just roll up and expect things to click into place for you. Sure, this happens on occasion… but more often than not, you’re going to have to put in more effort than that. As I said: one of the core components of the “meet new people” formula is time. You even said it yourself: most of the people you encountered at these MeetUps want to talk to other regulars.

You know what this means?

You need to become a regular.

Right now, you’re the New Guy… and depending on a lot of dynamics, new people may come and go on a weekly basis. It’s a little hard to want to invest the time in someone who may just never show up again.  The more that people see you at these events, the more likely they are to talk with you too because, hey, you’re part of the group.

But you also need intentionality. This means that you don’t just join a new group and wait for the bonds of friendship to magically appear. You have to be putting in the work. This includes being the one to make the first move. Yeah, it’d be great if every MeetUp was filled with people who are eager to greet and befriend the new members. But honestly? Most of the time, people prefer what’s easy and familiar. It’s easier to fall into old patterns with the people you already know than to create a new groove with someone else. So you’re going to have to make a point of being the guy who is actively seeking out new friends. This means making a point of introducing yourself to the regulars and joining in the conversations. While this can feel intimidating, it’s not that different from navigating a party. You’re in a social space, where mingling and meeting new people is part of the social contract.

Don’t get me wrong: you don’t have to be Mr. Hyper-Social, going around and introducing yourself to literally everyone and forcing your way into conversations, but you are going to have to be willing to take the initiative. Otherwise, you’re going to run the risk of being the wallflower, and that’s just not a great way to meet people.

But another part of intentionality is bridging the gap between small talk and real talk. Part of what builds strong friendships is the willingness to get real with someone and not just talk about polite, easy topics. Now I don’t mean that you have to suddenly FEELINGSDUMP on someone you just met about the time your hamster died and how sad it made you, but you are going to have to learn how to use small talk as the on-ramp to deeper, more meaningful conversations.

Part of why small talk can be awkward is because people feel like it’s a weird formality and treat it like “God, I guess we’re doing this.” Instead, treat it as a way to get to know someone. Think of it less as a polite necessity and more as how you find out what you two have in common. Treat it almost like a game: what is interesting about this person and how can you relate to it? By showing actual interest, you’re showing them warmth and consideration… and people respond to that. And don’t forget: we like people who show interest in us. We are all our own favorite topics, and letting someone know that you want to get to know more about them and what they think is giving them a gift. There’s a reason why we say “interested is interesting.”

One more thing to keep in mind: odds are that, at the beginning at least, you’re going to have to be the one who’s actively pursuing a friendship with the people you meet. If you leave it for other people to remember to include you or to reach out to you when you’re still new… well, it’s probably not going to happen as often as you’d like. This has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with how the human brain works. We’re routine-based creatures because, frankly, our brains are lazy. Routines are efficient and easy; we do them on autopilot. Changing those routines can be difficult because you have to make effort. As a result, it’s not unusual for people to fall back into the same old same old. It’s not (always) that they don’t like you, it’s that you’re just not part of the routine that they’re used to. The more that you make yourself known and present, the more that you can disrupt the usual patterns and create room to build a new one… one that includes you.

TL;DR: you’re on the right track, AAL. The key is just that you need to remember to include the rest of the formula. A little more time and a little more intentionality will go a long way towards helping you make new, awesome connections in your new city.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My ex-wife and I have a wonderful child together. She has primary custody, so the child lives with her. I recently made dating profiles on apps like Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble, but I don’t have any information about the fact that I’m a father on those profiles. I went on a successful first date for the first time since our divorce, and I’m going to see this woman again. In the back of my head, I felt like I was talking around the fact that I have a son, like I was lying by omission. Should I have included that I’m a dad in my profile or mentioned it on my first date, or is that something that can wait until a second date?

If I didn’t mention it before, how do I share that information without freaking her out on the second date? I know that I should apologize for not mentioning it, but I also don’t feel like I need to broadcast that information about myself to a stranger that I’m meeting for the first time. What’s your guidance?

– Single Dad Dating

DEAR SINGLE DAD DATING: This is one of those topics that comes up a lot in dating advice circles: at what point do you bring up topics about yourself that might be a potential dealbreaker? The exact nature of the dealbreaker can vary wildly. Sometimes it’s a discussion about dating when you have herpes or are  HIV+. Other times it’s about relationship types, such as when one is in an open or non-monogamous relationship. Still other times it’s about lifestyle issues or having children.

And to be perfectly honest, if you ask four different advice columnists, you’ll get five different answers. Some people will tell you that you should disclose immediately – preferably even before you go out on a date with someone – so that they can make an informed choice. Others will tell you that – especially when dealing with issues that carry undue negative stigma – that it can be better to wait until the second or third date, so that your date can get to know you as a person instead of whatever stereotype they may have in their head about that particular dating speed-bump. And still more would say that it’s not something that ever needs to come up until it will directly affect the relationship.

I tend to fall somewhere in the middle. On the one hand, I’m a big believer in putting one’s cards out on the table early as a way of filtering out incompatible matches. On the other, there are some issues that carry negative stigma that is wildly disproportionate to the actual impact has. And on the third hand – yes, I have three hands; I spent too much time around toxic waste trying to get super powers – there are also issues that may directly affect one’s personal health and safety if you disclose to the wrong person at the wrong time.

So to me, the question of “when do you tell someone” tends to depend precisely on what it is you need to tell them.

In the case of the fact that you’re a single parent… that’s something that should probably come up sooner, rather than later. Having a child is going to impact your potential relationship with these women pretty quickly. To start with, there’s the question of what this will do to the potential future of your relationship. While there’re women out there who’re looking forward to being mothers, they may not be up for it just yet. And while you aren’t saying “I’m auditioning stepmoms for my son,” some women may feel as though that’s part of what’s happening. They’re going to want to have the option of at least being able to weigh how they feel about this vs. how awesome you are as a person.

The other is how having a child will impact your relationship logistically. The fact that you don’t have primary custody means that you aren’t scheduling your life around your son – not to the extent that your ex-wife does – but it still means that it can affect when and how you can see your potential girlfriends. This will, in turn affect how they may feel. To some women, this will be no biggie; not everyone is going to expect or want someone who’s always instantly available or to spend every free moment with a new partner. To others however, it may mean that there will be too many times when you’re just not able to see them.

So I would suggest at least bringing up that you’re a single dad in your profile. It gives people the ability to weigh how they feel about the logistical issues around dating a single dad before they invest emotionally in a relationship that may not work for them. I know some folks buy into the “easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” angle, but honestly, it’s better to not be in the position to have to have that awkward conversation in the first place.

As for your current date? Bring it up during the date – not as a “oh god I’m so sorry I kept this shameful secret from you” but as a “hey, I like you and since you seem like someone I’d like to see again, here’s something you should know.” You don’t need to apologize – first dates aren’t court depositions, after all – but, you should explain that you don’t bring it up unless you feel like the other person has potential. After all, you have the right to filter out people who aren’t right for you too. Afterwards, explain just how this might impact things: you don’t have primary custody, here’s how often you see your son, you’re not looking for a mom for him, etc. Again: this isn’t a shameful secret, nor should you treat it like one. It’s part of who you are and what makes you the man you are now. With luck, your date will understand and recognize why you didn’t bring this up immediately.

If not… well, that’s a sign that things weren’t going to work out anyway.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)