DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years, and everything was great at first until she started having troubles at home.

I tried to help her but she refused help from me, saying that she could take care of it herself. She started confiding in a new friend she had made in school instead of talking to me. She eventually ended up cheating on me after our engagement and forced me to stay, saying that she needed the both of us to help her get through her problems.

She eventually started using me as a way to let out her anger and then she realized that he was only in it for the physical side of the relationship. After I had gotten the courage to leave her, she convinced me to come back and it seemed that she was back to normal. Then after I started showing suspicion of her actions again a year later, we started arguing a lot and she eventually forced me to let her cheat on me again, and even tried to force me into an unwanted sexual situation. I regrettably left her after that, but she wouldn’t let me move on and still kept using me for her anger. Its two years later, and I have fallen into a rather bad depression, been professionally diagnosed with emotional PTSD, and went through two instances of her cheating on me online.

I’m constantly on edge with her and she never comes to visit me anymore. She even told me she would rather spend time with her neighbor, her son, and her polyamorous mother’s boyfriend and his friends than me, but she still keeps me around for random moments of talking and telling me about her problems. She tells me that she loves me but I don’t know whether to believe her and I’m always suspicious of her. She said that her cheating was a combination of mine and her abusive step father; but mostly my fault for “being too controlling and demanding of her” when all I did was try and spend as much time with her and take an interest in what all she liked to do.

I admit that I would get angry because some of her actions, and I easily get jealous of the guys she talks to. But I never yelled at her or hurt her. I eventually stopped telling her about my problems and tried to just focus on her but now she says that I’m difficult to talk to and that I don’t seem like my old self.

When I explain why after she pesters me about it, she gets angry and says I need to quit doubting her and she isn’t cheating and what happened is my fault.

What should I do? I love her more than anything but I don’t know what to think anymore.

Lost In A Fog

DEAR LOST IN A FOG: Dude. DUDE. You know what you need to do:

You need to get the hell out of this relationship. Not just leave, but run like all of Hell and half of Hoboken were after you.

I’m not going to mince words here: you’re being abused. This whole “it’s all your fault I cheated on you, so why can’t you trust me” business is what’s known as gaslighting; she’s telling you that you’re the real villain here while she abuses you. It’s the same logic of “I only hit you because you make me so mad” – she’s telling you that it’s your fault that you’re being abused. Getting angry and jealous (though let’s be fair, it’s not exactly without cause) ain’t a good look but it’s also not an excuse for someone to abuse you either.

I’m entirely unsurprised that things were good for a while after she convinced you to come back. This – as with many cases – is something abusers do. They lovebomb their victims to get them to come back and stay, under the idea that things will be better now. And yet, like clockwork, the abuse starts again.

So, once again, for the back row: you are being abused. It is NOT your fault. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. NOW.

Leave her. Take the full nuclear option and cut off all contact. Delete and block her number. Block her on every social media service you’re on. Have no contact with her ever again. Tell your friends not to give her access to you. If she comes to you in person, refuse to talk to her. Cut her out of your life like the cancer she is and never talk to her again.

And just one more time to drive the point home: 

She is ABUSING you.

It is NOT your fault. 

I would also suggest that you might want to talk to a therapist, especially someone who specializes in victims of emotional abuse. If you’re not still in contact with the therapist who diagnosed your PTSD, then you might want to try going to the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists; they have a referral directory that can help you find a sex-positive therapist in your area.

Good luck, LIAF. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So my dilema is this: I’m a 20 year old who is relatively inexperienced in the dating scene. I only managed to gather the courage to ask a girl out last year and that was unsuccessful.

I’m a relatively shy person to begin with but I managed. After that, I decided to try my luck with online dating. I messaged this girl and we hit it off. Eventually I messaged her my number since she usually takes a anywhere from a day to a week to respond on this dating site. She messages me afterwards around 1am (probably insignificant). We’ve been texting on and off for a little bit (Probably 20 texts in November and not including December or January since she was out of the country. We have a lot in common and I genuinely feel there could be potential here. I decided to see if she was still interested after the 2-month gap; so I messaged her, started a conversation (went well, humor and what not) and proceeded to seeing if she was interested in meeting up. She said “Yeah, Sure!” She mentioned that she works everyday (potential red flag) but possibly sometime after work or something! Now, when I asked her out (Thursday) to see if she wanted to meet up on Saturday, she mentioned she had plans with her sister( she got specific), which was understandable since it was short notice. So I decide to ask her when she’s free. That was on the 7th. Haven’t heard from her since.

So my question is, do i just wait or forget about her completely given her lack of response (she mentioned she was going abroad in March). I’m probably overanalyzing the hell out of this. I’ve just never made it this far so it’s sort of uncharted territory for me. So what should I do next?

Also, I’m really interested in getting into the dating scene and breaking out my introvert shell, but still have no clue where to start. I’d go to a bar but I’m in that limbo stage where Im old enough to go out but not old enough to drink. I just want to become more social overall with people outside of my group of friends currently. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Giving up The Ghost

DEAR GIVING UP THE GHOST:

First of all, GUTG, congratulations on asking somebody out! It’s a shame that it didn’t work out but come on man, that takes guts! You should be proud of yourself for taking that step in the first place!

Now, with your friend… I hate to say it, but I think their interest waned. As a general rule, the best practice for meeting people on dating sites is to meet up in person as soon as you can. It’s very easy to lose emotional momentum when you’re talking to someone on a dating site. The longer you go from that initial connection, the more that excitement tends to fade. If you dig someone and they seem to dig you, then see about setting up a pre-date date. Get some coffee, play some boardgames and see if the chemistry you have over email and texting.

As for what to do with the situation as it stands? I’d say give it one more text  and see if she’s available on a specific day – not a “let’s hang out some time” but “Hey, I need coffee and could use some company. Why don’t you join me?” or “There’s this event at $PLACE happening at $DAY_AND_TIME, and think you’d enjoy it. Would you like to go with me?” and see what she says.

If you get radio silence or a vague “I’ll have to see”, then you have your answer: she’s not interested. And if it’s just that she has other things keeping her busy… well, ball’s in her court now. Up to her what to do with it.

And the best advice I have for being more social is to go out and just practice being more social. Find some activities going on in your town that you’d like to do and go participate. Pick things you really enjoy, so that you’ll feel more comfortable there even if you don’t talk to a lot of people. You don’t need to be Mr. Super Outgoing; in fact, I’d suggest baby steps at first. But getting some practice in working on any shyness or social anxiety you may have is going to serve you well in becoming a more social person overall.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a recent college graduate who is struggling to make new friends, and was hoping to hear your thoughts on this issue.

I currently have a small but solid group of friends left over from college, who I would describe as eccentric nerds and would-be intellectuals, as well as a SO. But, my SO and I will be moving out of state in the near future to a place where neither of us have any preexisting connections. In the past, I’ve met most of my friends through other friends, but now I’ll have to almost completely start over socially, and I really don’t know what I am going to do.

I’ve wanted to make new friends since graduating – if nothing else to practice before the big move – but even after reading your articles on the topic I’m still feeling at a loss as to how to do it. I’ve tried going out to bars and local events, but people at these places attend with their preexisting friends and don’t show much interest in talking to new people. I’ve also tried attending a few MeetUps related to my interests, but at these most of the attendees are regulars mostly interested in socializing with other regulars.

To make things more difficult, I just don’t seem to click with the new people I do manage to interact with, even at events related to my interests. When I start talking to new people, the conversations mostly consist of awkward small talk, leading to me and the other person feeling awkward and causing the conversation to fizzle out. I just don’t feel like I have much in common with most people out in “the real world”, and I’m not sure where to find people that I do have more in common with. I did find (a few) people that I had more in common with in college, but after college it seems like they have become a lot harder to find.

I just don’t understand how people make new friends when they move to a new city and have to start over. Any advice would be much appreciated.

– At A Loss

DEAR AT A LOSS: You’re dealing with an incredibly common problem, AAL. College is a time – the last time, really – when it is incredibly easy to meet people and make new friends. It’s a perfect storm of what you need to make friends: a large pool of people approximately in the same stages in life, with similar interests and relatively few demands on one’s time. You’re in a setting where socialization is not just accepted but encouraged, and where you have enough in common to bridge the gaps between what you don’t share.

Once we graduate… we almost never find a place where those same conditions all fall together. So instead, we have to improvise.

A lot.

Now, the general formula for making friends is commonalities + intentionality + time spent together. This is one of the reasons why a lot of people find their social circles often revolve around work and/or church; they’re places where you see the same folks over and over again. You have two of the three things you need for friendships to bloom. But friendships don’t happen spontaneously; that stops happening once you’re out of grade school. If you want to make new friends, you have to make them happen.

Let’s take what you’ve been doing, AAL. You’ve actually been doing many of the right things already. Leveraging your interests to meet people is one of the best ways to find folks you’re compatible with, whether you’re looking for a friend or a relationship. So going to MeetUps and joining groups that revolve around the things you’re passionate about is a great start.

The problem is that this is only one part of the formula. You can’t just roll up and expect things to click into place for you. Sure, this happens on occasion… but more often than not, you’re going to have to put in more effort than that. As I said: one of the core components of the “meet new people” formula is time. You even said it yourself: most of the people you encountered at these MeetUps want to talk to other regulars.

You know what this means?

You need to become a regular.

Right now, you’re the New Guy… and depending on a lot of dynamics, new people may come and go on a weekly basis. It’s a little hard to want to invest the time in someone who may just never show up again.  The more that people see you at these events, the more likely they are to talk with you too because, hey, you’re part of the group.

But you also need intentionality. This means that you don’t just join a new group and wait for the bonds of friendship to magically appear. You have to be putting in the work. This includes being the one to make the first move. Yeah, it’d be great if every MeetUp was filled with people who are eager to greet and befriend the new members. But honestly? Most of the time, people prefer what’s easy and familiar. It’s easier to fall into old patterns with the people you already know than to create a new groove with someone else. So you’re going to have to make a point of being the guy who is actively seeking out new friends. This means making a point of introducing yourself to the regulars and joining in the conversations. While this can feel intimidating, it’s not that different from navigating a party. You’re in a social space, where mingling and meeting new people is part of the social contract.

Don’t get me wrong: you don’t have to be Mr. Hyper-Social, going around and introducing yourself to literally everyone and forcing your way into conversations, but you are going to have to be willing to take the initiative. Otherwise, you’re going to run the risk of being the wallflower, and that’s just not a great way to meet people.

But another part of intentionality is bridging the gap between small talk and real talk. Part of what builds strong friendships is the willingness to get real with someone and not just talk about polite, easy topics. Now I don’t mean that you have to suddenly FEELINGSDUMP on someone you just met about the time your hamster died and how sad it made you, but you are going to have to learn how to use small talk as the on-ramp to deeper, more meaningful conversations.

Part of why small talk can be awkward is because people feel like it’s a weird formality and treat it like “God, I guess we’re doing this.” Instead, treat it as a way to get to know someone. Think of it less as a polite necessity and more as how you find out what you two have in common. Treat it almost like a game: what is interesting about this person and how can you relate to it? By showing actual interest, you’re showing them warmth and consideration… and people respond to that. And don’t forget: we like people who show interest in us. We are all our own favorite topics, and letting someone know that you want to get to know more about them and what they think is giving them a gift. There’s a reason why we say “interested is interesting.”

One more thing to keep in mind: odds are that, at the beginning at least, you’re going to have to be the one who’s actively pursuing a friendship with the people you meet. If you leave it for other people to remember to include you or to reach out to you when you’re still new… well, it’s probably not going to happen as often as you’d like. This has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with how the human brain works. We’re routine-based creatures because, frankly, our brains are lazy. Routines are efficient and easy; we do them on autopilot. Changing those routines can be difficult because you have to make effort. As a result, it’s not unusual for people to fall back into the same old same old. It’s not (always) that they don’t like you, it’s that you’re just not part of the routine that they’re used to. The more that you make yourself known and present, the more that you can disrupt the usual patterns and create room to build a new one… one that includes you.

TL;DR: you’re on the right track, AAL. The key is just that you need to remember to include the rest of the formula. A little more time and a little more intentionality will go a long way towards helping you make new, awesome connections in your new city.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My ex-wife and I have a wonderful child together. She has primary custody, so the child lives with her. I recently made dating profiles on apps like Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble, but I don’t have any information about the fact that I’m a father on those profiles. I went on a successful first date for the first time since our divorce, and I’m going to see this woman again. In the back of my head, I felt like I was talking around the fact that I have a son, like I was lying by omission. Should I have included that I’m a dad in my profile or mentioned it on my first date, or is that something that can wait until a second date?

If I didn’t mention it before, how do I share that information without freaking her out on the second date? I know that I should apologize for not mentioning it, but I also don’t feel like I need to broadcast that information about myself to a stranger that I’m meeting for the first time. What’s your guidance?

– Single Dad Dating

DEAR SINGLE DAD DATING: This is one of those topics that comes up a lot in dating advice circles: at what point do you bring up topics about yourself that might be a potential dealbreaker? The exact nature of the dealbreaker can vary wildly. Sometimes it’s a discussion about dating when you have herpes or are  HIV+. Other times it’s about relationship types, such as when one is in an open or non-monogamous relationship. Still other times it’s about lifestyle issues or having children.

And to be perfectly honest, if you ask four different advice columnists, you’ll get five different answers. Some people will tell you that you should disclose immediately – preferably even before you go out on a date with someone – so that they can make an informed choice. Others will tell you that – especially when dealing with issues that carry undue negative stigma – that it can be better to wait until the second or third date, so that your date can get to know you as a person instead of whatever stereotype they may have in their head about that particular dating speed-bump. And still more would say that it’s not something that ever needs to come up until it will directly affect the relationship.

I tend to fall somewhere in the middle. On the one hand, I’m a big believer in putting one’s cards out on the table early as a way of filtering out incompatible matches. On the other, there are some issues that carry negative stigma that is wildly disproportionate to the actual impact has. And on the third hand – yes, I have three hands; I spent too much time around toxic waste trying to get super powers – there are also issues that may directly affect one’s personal health and safety if you disclose to the wrong person at the wrong time.

So to me, the question of “when do you tell someone” tends to depend precisely on what it is you need to tell them.

In the case of the fact that you’re a single parent… that’s something that should probably come up sooner, rather than later. Having a child is going to impact your potential relationship with these women pretty quickly. To start with, there’s the question of what this will do to the potential future of your relationship. While there’re women out there who’re looking forward to being mothers, they may not be up for it just yet. And while you aren’t saying “I’m auditioning stepmoms for my son,” some women may feel as though that’s part of what’s happening. They’re going to want to have the option of at least being able to weigh how they feel about this vs. how awesome you are as a person.

The other is how having a child will impact your relationship logistically. The fact that you don’t have primary custody means that you aren’t scheduling your life around your son – not to the extent that your ex-wife does – but it still means that it can affect when and how you can see your potential girlfriends. This will, in turn affect how they may feel. To some women, this will be no biggie; not everyone is going to expect or want someone who’s always instantly available or to spend every free moment with a new partner. To others however, it may mean that there will be too many times when you’re just not able to see them.

So I would suggest at least bringing up that you’re a single dad in your profile. It gives people the ability to weigh how they feel about the logistical issues around dating a single dad before they invest emotionally in a relationship that may not work for them. I know some folks buy into the “easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” angle, but honestly, it’s better to not be in the position to have to have that awkward conversation in the first place.

As for your current date? Bring it up during the date – not as a “oh god I’m so sorry I kept this shameful secret from you” but as a “hey, I like you and since you seem like someone I’d like to see again, here’s something you should know.” You don’t need to apologize – first dates aren’t court depositions, after all – but, you should explain that you don’t bring it up unless you feel like the other person has potential. After all, you have the right to filter out people who aren’t right for you too. Afterwards, explain just how this might impact things: you don’t have primary custody, here’s how often you see your son, you’re not looking for a mom for him, etc. Again: this isn’t a shameful secret, nor should you treat it like one. It’s part of who you are and what makes you the man you are now. With luck, your date will understand and recognize why you didn’t bring this up immediately.

If not… well, that’s a sign that things weren’t going to work out anyway.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23 years old student, and I was pretty much the stereotypical, socially very awkward, shy guy back in high-school. Some bad familial stuff was messing with me since, well, forever, and my only true friend was my awesome little brother. I just wanted to get the hell out, to leave all this behind me. And I tried when I graduated and went to college.

Long story short, reality slapped me in the face, and my studies where halted for nearly two years. When I got back to college, I briefly considered suicide, spoke about it to my brother, and my mother and they basically dragged me out of this pit.

In the last three years, many things happened: I’ve stumbled upon your blog, and began to try to improve myself, to correct my views about relationships in particular and life in general, I finally returned to a theatre class, I started hitting the gym and I even had my first relationship! It was short-lived (like, two months), I made some mistakes (I’m quite ashamed of it but one of my reason for the break-up was the lack of physical intimacy) and I understood what you meant by “find someone right for you, not because you’re alone”. This was 2 years ago.

Today I’m still celibate and a virgin, but not alone anymore. I’ve a good circle of friends (awesome people), I’ve came to terms with my envy of my little brother’s achievements, and I’m not anymore obsessed with finding someone, anyone. I’m happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life

And here is the problem Doc : 99 % of my friends told me that the first time we met, before we even talked to each other, they thought I was cold and full of disdain. Many of them even told I looked constantly sad, and it became kind of a private joke. And as ridiculous as it sounds, it upsets me. I’ve always considered myself as a warm person. Introvert? Yes. Not so talkative when not joking Sure. Easily “disconnected”? I can’t deny it. My “sad” face? It’s my neutral expression!

Hell, I’ve been convinced for a very long time that there was something wrong with me (as a person), a “stain” in my personality that drove people away, but how can I correct my neutral expression?

I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but I don’t want to make people feel that way in my presence, Doc. I don’t want to be the guy-who-looks-so-sad-god-if-approach-him-I’m-gonna-fall-in-depression. I don’t want to be perceived as someone who is going to shut you down and humiliate you if you approach me, because it’s the opposite. Want to make my day? Approach me, talk to me.

So here is my question Doc: what can I do? Despite all my work, all my efforts, I’m still (inadvertently) driving off other people. Now, to be fair, I know I’m making a big deal of it, but every time I’m told this, I hear “All your efforts don’t matter, all your work doesn’t matter, you’re still a person that nobody wants to know or be with. You upset other people.”

Stressed About Descriptions

DEAR STRESSED ABOUT DESCRIPTIONS: First of all, SAD, I want to congratulate you on all the work you’ve been doing. You’ve been in a deep pit and clawing your way out of it isn’t easy. You’ve put in a lot of effort, you’ve worked incredibly hard and you should be proud of how much you’ve accomplished. You’ve even had your first relationship! Don’t downplay that dude, that’s huge!

So here’s what’s going on right now: all that work you’ve been putting in, has been paying off and you’ve leveled up. But reaching that new level comes with new challenges – challenges that you weren’t ready for previously. But now with all that work you’ve put in, you’re stronger, more resilient and – critically – emotionally healthier than you were before. So while it can seem daunting, it’s not insurmountable.

Now to break down what is going on here: your presentation is telling a specific story about you. It’s not necessarily any one thing, so much as a combination of things. From what you’re describing, it’s a combination of behavior and presentation that’s combining to send a particular vibe to the people around who don’t know you. And in all likelihood, it’s a matter of habits and presentation rather than anything inherently “set” about you. You’re quiet, you’re solitary, you’re serious and you have what would be described as a “melancholic temperament” in gothic romance novels. Which works great if you’re out on the moors, less so in major urban areas.

Besides, Heathcliff was a dick and Wuthering Heights was awful. THAT’S RIGHT. I SAID IT.

Ahem.

So what you want to do is focus on how to be more approachable and not give off that “sad boy” vibe. And to start with: consider how you’re presenting yourself outwardly. How are you dressing? Are you wearing clothes that you can hide in – hoodies, caps and sunglasses? Are you doing the Mr. Robot and folding yourself up into your hoodie?

What about your body language? When you walk, is your spine straight and your shoulders relaxed? Or are you hunched over and folded in on yourself? Do you tend to have your arms crossed, or are you letting your chest expand? If you’re sitting, are you bent over whatever you’re doing, or do you spread out and take up more space? The more you pull in on yourself, taking up as little space as possible and hiding in your clothes, the more you give off the “Don’t talk to me” vibe.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about your expression and your head. Are you making eye-contact with people, or are you trying to avoid people’s gaze? What are you doing with your face? You say that you’ve got resting sad face, which hey, happens. I can look overly serious if I’m thinking about things and that can make people worry if I’m upset. But if you’re both avoiding looking at people and you have a sad or upset look on your face, then people are going to think that you’re upset and give you a wide berth. Even the natural caretakers and nurturers aren’t going to necessarily want to step up to someone who seems like they’re determined to be alone with their demons.

Another big issue: are you putting barriers between you and the people you’re talking to? If you have a tendency to, say, put your backpack or messenger bag on the table in front of you, between you and the rest of the world, you’ve put up a literal wall. If you’re curled up around a book, your phone or your laptop, that’s another barrier.

And for that matter: are you out in the open where people can find you, or are you back in a corner somewhere? The more you’re out of the flow of traffic, as it were, the less people are even going to see you, never mind necessarily want to come over.

All of these things are part of how you signal that you don’t want to talk to people or that you’d rather be alone. Don’t want that? Then you need to start focusing on how to send the right signals. You know you’re a warm person, so you need to project that warmth.

Start with your expression. You don’t need to smile all the time – some cultures actually find that off-putting – but a lot of how we signal our mood and confidence comes from how we use our face. Keeping your eyes up and your eyebrows relaxed is a start. So is being willing to make eye-contact. You don’t need to stare people down, but not avoiding people’s eyes or looking away quickly if you do make eye-contact shows that you’re confident and outwardly focused. Look around you, acknowledge that other people are there. Give people a slight smile (one that reaches your eyes) and a nod when you see them.

While you’re at it, work on that confident, open body language. As you walk or sit, imagine that there’s an invisible thread attached to the crown of your skull, pulling ever so slightly upward. Let that pull your head up and straighten your spine, while your shoulders relax and your arms swing at your sides. If you’re sitting, don’t lean forward or hunch over. Lean back, even sprawl a little.

And be more expressive and responsive. You don’t need to be a chatterbox, but at the same time, you don’t want to be a statue either. Smiling, nodding and giving encouragers like “uh-huh” all show that you’re engaged and paying attention to the people you’re with. And openly smiling, snickering, laughing, shaking your head and what-not over things all send the sign that you may be quiet, but you’re not sullen or closed off.

Just as importantly though: if you want people to approach youBut giving some signals that it’s cool to come say “hi”?, you have to give them the signal that it’s ok to do so. Most people don’t want to intrude where they’re not welcome. That’s going to up the odds that somebody will take you up on your non-verbal invitation

Oh and one more thing: it’s a bit woo-woo-mind-hacky, but start cultivating the attitude that people already like you. This will utterly change how you behave around people and put you more at ease. And your being more at ease will make other people more at ease too.

This can all sound like a lot, I know SAD. But most of it is just a matter of habit – breaking out of old patterns and building new ones. Spend time consciously adopting these behaviors, especially when you realize you’re falling back into old habits, and soon it’ll be worked into your muscle memory.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you are not a “real doctor” but I don’t know if this is a medical, mental, or relationship problem and would like some outside perspective. This is my problem- my sex drive has cratered and I don’t know why and I want it back.

When I was in high school, I wanted all the sex all the time but abstained for a variety of reasons. When I got to college, I wanted sex all the time and frequently got it. I met my then-boyfriend, now husband, and we had a near- matching sex drive (if anything, I wanted it more frequently than his).

But as we’ve gotten older, both of us seemed to have slowed down, but mine has gone to “practically nonexistent”. I don’t think it’s a relationship problem- my spouse is still supportive, loving, game to try things, compliments me all the time and never pressures me to have sex. He does a pretty solid amount of chores (we’re both pretty suck at it, but he always does the dishes). He’s still sexy as hell. I am still deeply in love with him. But I just don’t find myself interested- and not just in my spouse. No guy seems to get me going, and I don’t spend time fantasizing about celebrities or enjoying idle crushes. We’re polyamorous, but I haven’t slept with another person for years nor wanted to. If I see an attractive person, it is more like appreciating them artistically rather than having any sort of heart palpitations or pants feelings. Self-exploration isn’t really on the agenda either. Now, sex just seems like too much effort to get involved in — it’s too much time to get in the mood and it’s too hard to stay in the mood during the moment. I find myself thinking of all the stuff I haven’t done and need to do. I find myself stuck on stuff I’ve watched or a news article in my head.

I’m fairly certain it isn’t medical- my last gynecological examine didn’t turn up anything unusual and I’m not on any hormonal birth control (though oddly, I was in college but I didn’t notice a dip when I went off it). I’m in my 30s, I feel like this is way to early for my sex drive to go away completely. Other than the fact that Trump’s in office, there isn’t anything terribly wrong in my life. We’re doing okay, my job’s okay and I get along with my coworkers. I have hobbies, we travel from time to time, we have friends, we go to events around the city and my routine is more than just work, come home, veg, repeat. And I really miss my college sex drive.

Any thoughts on how to get it back?

-Abstinence All Over Again

DEAR ABSTINENCE ALL OVER AGAIN: There’re a few things that will crater a person’s libido, AAOA, and figuring out the culprit tends to be as much a process of elimination as anything else. My usual suggestions is to start with a trip to the doctor and checking for any potential health or biochemical issues. Hormone levels could throw off your sex drive. So can a number of medications, especially if you’re taking an SSRI.

But the next question I’d ask is… how’s the sex you were having? Was it great? Or just pretty good? Was it exciting and vibrant, or just kinda routine? Did you vary it up, or was it the same thing every time? Because one of the things that will kill your libido deader than the dodo and faster than Barry Allen on a coffee buzz? Is boredom. 

This actually happens a lot, particularly with women; the sex is humdrum and the desire to keep having it… just kind of fades away. So it’s not just that the afflicted person doesn’t want to have sex with their spouse, it’s that they don’t want to have sex at all… right up until they get start banging someone new. Suddenly the novelty of it kickstarts the ol’ libido again and suddenly it’s like being 16 all over and having the house to yourself and the pay-per-view’s unscrambled.

So I would suggest changing things up in the bedroom… and since you’re poly, that might mean changing up the person. Going out and pursuing a date or two, even if it’s not necessarily what you want most in the world, may fire things up again. Many women’s arousal patterns are often reciprocal and responsive – being desired arouses your own desire.

If you don’t necessarily want to explore a new partner, than explore new forms of intimacy with your hubby. Make a point of exploring a fantasy that one (or both of you) hold. Try something different – maybe a light kink, maybe something as simple as a quickie during your lunch break. Breaking out of your routine and introducing novelty back into your sex life can bring that passion roaring back.

While you’re at it? Schedule a date night or two. One of the reasons why the passion fades in long-term relationships is that everybody settles in when they settle down. They stop trying quite as hard. But treating a date with your spouse as though it’s your first date and you want to make a great first impression? That can rekindle all kinds of old feelings.

And one last thing: do stuff with your husband that gets your heart pounding and stimulates the central nervous system. Humans are bad at understanding why we feel the way we do; we feel the physical sensations and assign meaning to them after the fact. So when you’re heart is pounding and you’re slightly out of breath and you’re excited because you just got off that roller coaster or because you’ve been out dancing?

Well… that excitement transfers to other areas too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)