DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  love your page, and love reading the advice and never thought it’d come to this but I could use some help. Apologies in advance for the length of this letter.

I’m 23, currently completing university and about to start full time as a software developer, at the company I currently work at. I’m really looking forward to being free of assignments and exams, and starting my working career.

I have a colleague at work. He actually started after me, but I’ve been part time all year finishing uni, so we only met a few months after he started. This is his first job in industry, and I get the feeling he’s a bit awkward with communication. He’s a pretty good, and productive, programmer, but he gets anxious easily, especially when he makes a mistake.

Originally I thought we’d be good friends (we both like anime, although different genres) – our workplace is a full of great people, and I have plenty of them on Facebook. So I added him, a mistake on my part, and at first the interactions were normal. Suddenly he sent me a rambling message, confessing to have a crush on me and being depressed about it, being hurt every day and ending with asking me to delete it and pretend it never happened. Of course, I deleted it and told him not to worry about it, you’ll get over it (my friend said I should have not said it wasn’t a problem). He persisted in asking me if it was deleted, after I said it was. He also unfriended me on Facebook.

And I thought that was the end of that. Only he messaged a few months later, asking me why I was not accepting his friend request. I have ignored all his messages from Facebook since the first incident. But he messaged me at work, through our work channels, asking to meet with me privately on my birthday. I asked him to book a time on my calendar – I’m the ‘senpai’ after all, if my juniors need help I want to be available to them to ask for help. Anyway he was calling me out to confess again. He felt we both needed ‘closure’ (I had mine the moment I said ‘you’ll get over it’!). Anyway, he gave me a gift which I later returned as I didn’t want to accept anything…

For me being called out at work was inappropriate, and I approached my manager about the issue. Before the meeting, my colleague sent me a couple of long messages, asking me to let him know if things were awkward, how he could not be a toxic employee, that he was terribly sorry, asked me to keep it secret. I showed all these to my manager. My manager was really nice about the whole thing. He said he was happy I felt comfortable enough to speak with him, and that they would follow my lead on how to handle the issue, and they don’t want to do anything to make me uncomfortable and I definitely shouldn’t be uncomfortable at work. All I wanted was for the issue to go away, I didn’t want it escalated, we have a good team and my colleague is part of that. And he seemed to understand why he was in the wrong, and it seemed over, so that was that. And my manager said to come back if it happens again…

So recently, my colleague sent me, and subsequently deleted, several really long rambly messages via our work channel again (though on the weekend). I don’t know what prompted them, except maybe the news I was coming back full time. The first demanded I explain myself for slights such as ‘not responding my facebook messages’ and ‘returning the gift’, if we were going to work together he needed these actions justified, he was super hurt. It felt pretty angry. The subsequent message was a watered down version of the first, with an appended ‘I know you are a nice person… any issues are probably misunderstandings’. The final message said he wouldn’t send any more messages, but if he did to ignore them. I feel he shouldn’t be sending any messages at all?

Sorry for this incredibly long exposition. I want to go bring this up with my manager again, but I don’t know how to do it. If my manager asks how I want it handled again I really don’t know. What I want is for this problem to go away. Is there something I should have done differently? We work on the same team so I was doing my best to ignore things and make things not awkward, but was it the wrong way to deal with it? I’m uncomfortable that he keeps sending me these messages, but more in a ‘why can’t you keep these thoughts to yourself if you are just going to keep sending and deleting them this is really annoying’ kind of way. It stresses me out thinking how I will approach my manager and deal with this issue, especially because I feel like I’m saying ‘here is a problem I brought up before, I’m sorry I’m bringing it up again, I don’t have any pre-prepared resolutions’. Especially because any action will clue my colleague into I told someone – what if he gets angry? Or scared? He seems so emotionally unstable sometimes… I’m even stressed about writing this here incase my colleague works out I did and does something drastic to himself.

No one tells you how to deal with this stuff. I’m a not-unattractive female studying IT, I’m familiar with guys liking me, and I’m familiar with ignoring the issue and hoping it goes away (very rarely do they approach). But normally I don’t have to keep working with the guy, and normally they aren’t this… flip-floppy.s I want him to learn that this is the wrong way to approach people, but I don’t want to be the one telling him what he did wrong and why it was wrong – it’s not my job to teach people this stuff?? I don’t know what to do and I could really use some advice.

Thank you for your time.

Stuck on Slack

DEAR STUCK ON SLACK: Every once in a while, we have a debate about whether someone is creepy, or just awkward. Buried within this is the assumption that being awkward means that one should get – if not a pass – then at least some leniency on the creeper label. However, this assumes that the fact that someone’s awkward means that he isn’t pushing boundaries and that people should tolerate it with a smile and a gentle correction.

Well, here we go again. You all know the chorus so sing along with me: socially awkward isn’t an excuse. The fact that someone may not be the most socially aware or fluent doesn’t mean that everything they do is tinged with innocent naïveté. Sometimes you can be a jackass and awkward at the same time. Dude may be awkward, but he also knows he’s not supposed to behave the way he does

So here’s the thing, SoS. If you’ve read my column before, then you may have heard me talk about Schrödinger’s Date – when a dude tries to get someone to go out with him on what is both a Date and a NotDate at the same time until he decides which is more likely. Your awkward colleague is doing something similar – call it Schrödinger’s Confession, where he gets to tell you how he feels and also not do so with his whole “delete this pretend it never happened” schtick. It’s his attempt to have it both ways; he gets to FeelingsDump on you but also not have to deal with the potential fallout of having confessed a crush like someone in a bad shoujo manga.

It’s emotionally manipulative as hell, especially since he seems to think that he can appeal to your sense of pity and make you give him a chance because you feel so sorry for him instead of, y’know, asking you out on a date like a grown-ass adult. But that manipulation doesn’t end there. He’s trying to leverage the idea that you somehow need to attend to his feelings and worries into having even more contact with him to discuss his pantsfeels, which just gives him even more chances to try to somehow wheedle you into a relationship. This is why he’s getting all cranky with the fact that you returned his gift and that you won’t talk to him; you’re not playing along with the script he’s got going in his head. In his mind, you’re supposed to be touched by the depth of his feelings, charmed by his awkwardness and eventually realize that he’s the guy for you.

Except a) that’s not how this works, b) there’s a huge difference between “adorkable” and “boundary-pushing-creepo” and c) “no reply” is a reply.

The fact of the matter is: he’s pretty aware of how he’s coming off to others. Either he’s decided to lean into it, or he’s convinced himself that he has some sort of “get out of responsibility free” card somewhere in the deck  Case in point: his deleting his various messages (hey there, read receipts) and requests for you to ignore him. He’s hoping that by saying “go ahead and ignore me” he’s getting you to agree that it’s all ok, water under the bridge and you’re not going to talk to your manager again.

And that’d be one thing if it weren’t for the fact that this is the, what, 6 separate times he’s gotten weird at you.

Which brings us to your question: what do you do about this?

And my answer is simple: you do what your instincts are telling you to do: go talk to your manager. You don’t (or at least, shouldn’t) need to “prove” that you’ve done things “right” here. You told homeboy to stop messaging you and you’ve been ignoring him since. This isn’t on you. You’re not responsible for his actions and it’s pretty clear that telling him “no” isn’t getting him across. And since you can’t swat him across the nose with a rolled up newspaper, you can and should go to the folks who have the power to tell him to back the f

k down. Dealing with this sort of thing is part of being a manager – especially before someone invokes the magic phrase “creating a hostile work environment” and rousing Upper Management from their eldritch slumber.

And since this is something that apparently needs to be said: you are not responsible for his actions. Got that? Tattoo it backwards on your forehead so you can see it in the mirror every morning. Shave your head if you need the room.

You are not responsible for his actions.

Whether he’s creeping on you and sending messages via the office Slack channel or threatening to burn himself in tribute to his precious office waifu, you are not responsible for what he does. He – and only he – is sole party responsible for his behavior. You don’t need to manage his fee-fees for him, no matter how much he tries to get you to do just that.

Dude is creating a disruption at work and he needs to learn. It’s not your responsibility to teach him. You’ve got a job, and you need to focus on that. Go report this to your manager and let them bring the hammer down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So, its a long story but this is what happened, and I’m not sure what to do.

About a month ago, a very attractive girl moved in to my share house. I was away at the time, but when we met, I felt like we got along very well. In many ways she is my romantic ideal (tall, dark haired, gothic, beautiful, an emotional mess). At the time of when she moved in, I had a girlfriend at the time, and we’d been dating about 3 years.

Now I knew in the back of my mind how attractive I found this girl I lived with. I told all the guys at work about her, and my close male friends about her, and they all seemed to agree that she was very attractive. She used to work for the same company I work for now, and almost all of my tenured colleagues knew who she was too.

A few weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend. I decided to call time on our relationship due to a lack of emotional availability. I loved her, and cared about her but knew our relationship was at an end.

About 48 hours after I broke up, I was drinking with my friends to drown my sorrows. They asked me jokingly if there was anybody on the horizon for me, and I jokingly said “well there’s this one girl I live with”. And proceeded to show her Instagram photos to the guys, who joked that I should do something about that.

I passed out drunk and stoned, and eventually found myself awake at 3am. I was bored, so I pulled out my phone. By some miracle, my phone was on her Instagram still, and I saw she had added to her story. She was still out partying at 3am. I realized that if I drove home, I may be able to get home at the same time.

I drove home. When I got home, got changed and realized she wasn’t home. I lost hope and went to bed. Not a second later, the door opened up and I knew it was her. She ran to the bathroom and I went out of my room and sat on the couch and watched Rick and Morty. She came out and sat down beside me. I told her I’d just broken up with my girlfriend, and she told me she was in the same boat and had just broken up with her ex a month ago.

We started making out, which lead to getting naked. She then said “if you were any other guy, I’d have sex with you right now”. She refused to have sex with me because we were housemates, and I kind of agreed.

It’s been 3 weeks now, and I haven’t spoken to her since. She works on an opposite schedule to me (She works in a bar), and we haven’t run into each other. I very much doubt we will run into each other and talk it out, but I’d like closure.

I don’t really have any much getting girls. I’ve got my shit together, I have passion in my life, I lead a rich and rewarding life, I’m confident enough in myself and I don’t feel like I need the validation of a relationship to keep me happy. I don’t have a need for a girlfriend, and there are a few girls in my life right now that are more than enough for me. Most of the things I do that make me happy come from your articles actually.

But, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about my housemate. I’m 28. She’s 21. She cheated on her ex-boyfriend. She posts booty shots and thirst traps all over Instagram. But I can’t stop thinking about her. Whenever I walk past her bedroom my heart flutters, and I wonder if she’s in there. Am I in love?! I haven’t felt this way since high school. My plan right now is to find the time to go to her work alone, and ask her out on a date. It could be incredibly awkward, and if she says no I’ve really lost nothing other than my housemate knowing I asked her out.

My real issue is if she says yes. I really like her, and the more I think about her the more I think she’s strangely ideal for me. I shouldn’t date again, and neither should she, but I want to hang out with her at the very least.

Every single person I know is telling me to not say anything and let the chips fall where they may, but I want closure. In part because I want to hang out with this girl, even if we don’t have sex. But there is also that part of me that sees her as the “one that got away”.

Please help. What should I do?

Hots For Housemate

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE:  You’re not in love dude. You’re in lust. Though I can understand confusing the difference.

Here’s what’s going on: You’re newly single. You’re a bit lonely. You’ve got this space in your life where your girlfriend used to be. And hey, there’s this absurdly hot person who’s in close proximity to you. Like, “the thirst is calling from inside the house” close. And wouldn’t you know it, one fateful night, right after you and your girlfriend broke up… well, you’re drunk and horny, she’s a little drunk and turned on and oh look there went the pants.

But then you two are right up against the line. That “she refuses to have sex with her housemates” line. So now here you are, right at the gates to your hopes and dreams aaaaand you’re finding out that it’s locked. Like Lucy and the football… you’re left feeling like it got yanked out from under you at the last second. Call it blue-braining, because there’s no better way to get someone to want something obsessively than to tell them they can’t have it.

(Don’t believe me? Check the prices of a new iPhone on eBay when the newest model gets released.)

This isn’t helped by the fact that you’re keeping the fires stoked by checking on her sexy Instagram pics. It’s a little hard to let things cool off when you’re going through her photostream and checking for bikinis and cleavage

But it’s important to realize that most of what you’re feeling right now – from the desire for “closure” to this idea that she’s ideal for you – is coming from the fact that you got close at a time when you were vulnerable and lonely. It’s amazing how much the combination of “recent break up,” “sloppy make outs” and “that’s all you’re getting” can round up basic horniness to “we’re perfect for one another”.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m utterly sympathetic. I’ve been there, done that and printed the t-shirts. I’ve had relationships and hook-ups that only went so far and those drove me up the wall to the point that I would’ve probably murdered a hobo. Let he with two free hands cast the first stone. But your roomie is right: banging housemates is generally a bad idea and it creates potential complications and awkwardness that is magnified by the fact that you can’t really get any distance apart to let things ease up.

So here’s my suggestion for you: let this one go. You had a moment, that moment involved some nudity and it was great. But it was just a moment and one where trying to revisit it is likely going to end up being more trouble than it’s worth. You’re not going to get the “closure” you want because there’s nothing to be had. You made out. You want more, she doesn’t, end of.

Accept that it happened once, that it isn’t going to happen again, that eventually you’ll hook up with someone else and take cold showers in the meantime. Trust me: you aren’t going to be as happy in the short run, but in the long term, you’ll be far better off.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I seem to walk two different roads with ladies these days. The first is in a casual, social setting. If I meet a girl I’m interested in, we seem to hit it off. The conversation will be good, flirtation back-and-forth is fun, and there definitely is a chemistry between the two of us. This will either end in an exchange of info or (rarely, but fun) spending the night with each other. I’m really in my element here and enjoy the easygoing nature of meeting someone and having a nice time. 

The speed bump I seem to hit is when I ask that same girl on a date. That’s where I am struggling. The easygoing chemistry seems to evaporate and it goes from two people enjoying time with each other to an interview. While the time we had in the social setting was flirtatious, the energy in the date is significantly less so. After one or two dates, I can really pick up on her cues: she just isn’t interested. 

I’ve noticed some negative trends that I seem to repeat in a lot of these situations. I don’t go on that many dates, so the people I do date are the ones I really would like to spend more time with. This inevitably leads to a lot of anticipation, nerves, and projecting my hopes onto this person. This is sure to lead to some disappointment, so I am trying to maturely manage these feelings more effectively.

Also, I’m a very outgoing guy. As much as I want to be the cool guy, I just am not. This is okay with me, though. I’m very happy with who I am. I do ask the question though: am I coming on too strong? Do I look like a loser here? I’m going easy, should I tone it down even more?

I sense that I am missing something in these situations. How do I maintain attraction with these ladies through the first few dates and start to connect more? Is the energy I bring from the social setting to the date different enough that it throws these girls off? 

At 25, I have time to navigate these waters, but I need to figure this out before I completely jump ship.

Sincerely,

Without a Paddle

DEAR WITHOUT A PADDLE: You answered your own question here, WaP:

“This inevitably leads to a lot of anticipation, nerves, and projecting my hopes onto this person.”

The reason why you’re having such an easy time when things are casual is because it’s so low stakes. It’s so much easier and natural for you because hey, there’s no investment here. You haven’t put yourself in a position where you feel as though you’ve tied your own value to whether they like you or not. Instead, you’re able to just be in the moment. Everything is light and easy and enjoyable because hey, the worst thing that happens is that she’s not into you and you move on to find someone else who is.

It’s the moment that you ask her out on a date – with a giant capital “D” in gothic script – that it all falls apart. In that moment, you’ve gone from having an enjoyable back and forth with an attractive stranger to “everything must go perfectly.” Suddenly you’ve invested this relative stranger with such immense importance in your life that you feel as though you have to be perfect in order to get her to like you. It doesn’t matter that she’s exactly the same person she was five minutes before you asked her out to dinner. It doesn’t matter that she was clearly enjoying her time with you before, when you had no skin in the game. Now you know this boogie is for real and you’d better nail it.

But literally nothing has changed. The only thing that’s different is your perception. It’s not as though saying the magic words “hey, would you like to get a drink this Saturday?” caused lightning to crash from the heavens and now the woman you’ve been low-key flirting with has turned into Captain Future Wife. And yet, you’re starting to project so much onto this relative stranger that you’ve allowed her to damage your own self-worth… despite the fact that you may not have known she existed 24 hours ago.

So now there’re stakes (that you made up) and you’re stuck with what’s known as the Centipede’s Dilemma; you didn’t have any problem coordinating all those feet until you started to think about how you did it. Now you’re trying to consciously recreate that easy-going chemistry and charisma you had before and suddenly your brain has gone blank. You’re trying to get that scintillating banter to happen and your mouth is all “Daaaaaaw how do words go?”

And again: the only reason why there’s this dramatic difference is because your perception of the situation has changed.

Fortunately, that also means that it’s relatively easy to change things back. The trick is to simply demystify and de-emphasize the importance of this date. Your going on a formal DATE with her is exactly the same as if the two of you decided to grab a drink in the moment. It’s no different than the same steps that lead towards the two of you deciding that you’d like to take this party back to your place. The only difference is that it may be on a different night, instead of right then and there.

First: remind yourself that this person already likes you. While this may come as a surprise, most women aren’t going on dates with people they’re not at least somewhat attracted to.  The fact that she’s decided to commit an hour or more of her busy life to doing something with you is an indicator that she thinks you’re pretty damn nifty and wants to see what else might be there.

Second: remember that she’s the exact same person that she was before you asked her out on a date. All that unbounded potential that you see in her now was already there when you were chatting her up. Literally nothing about her has changed.

Third: remember that by that same token, if for whatever reason things don’t work out between the two of you? Then literally nothing changes for you. Your status quo is exactly the same as it was before. You just realized that you weren’t going to connect with this person in the way that would’ve made a relationship possible. And while that’s a shame, in the words of Tim Minchin:

“But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves, statistically, some of them would be equally nice.”

You already know that; it’s part of why you don’t have a minor freak out when those strangers you casually flirt with just don’t dig you.

So my dude, just keep your cool here. Don’t let the D-word intimidate you into thinking that this person is anything she wasn’t five seconds before you asked her out. Consider that date as just an extension of the easygoing nature of that back and forth the two of you were enjoying earlier. The energy you were bringing before is what they were digging about you, so keep it going. You don’t have to radically shift gears to make that connection work. Keep talking, keep flirting and just keep it casual as you get to know her. That deeper connection will come if you stop trying to force it and let it flow as naturally as you had been up until now.

You already have the skills to make this happen, WaP. You just need to get out of your own way.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have been stuck in a very messy situation with my partner (for our purposes, let’s call him X).

We have been dating for almost 2 years and he is an absolute darling. In fact, I can’t even picture myself with anybody else. He is charming, loving, understanding… He makes me feel alive in a too often dim world.

The catch? He has an identical twin brother (let’s call him Z). At first this wasn’t a problem at all. In our first few months together, the three of us were unstoppable. Z became my best friend. Everything was perfect… Until Z got a girlfriend. I tried to support their relationship, but for some reason she kept on stabbing me in the back. She’s acted in absurd ways: spreading false rumors, trying to convince X that I’m cheating and even going so far as to forbid Z to so much as greet me.

This has lead to things getting bad between me and X. Because of the close bond X and Z had, ignoring the “girlfriend” wasn’t an option. I tried everything – from trying to befriend her, to talking to Z. Nothing worked. More than a year has passed and I know that I can’t take it anymore. I know that the negativity she brought into my life was too much for me to handle. But I also know, for as long as I’m with X it won’t end. I don’t know if I’m willing to let go of someone who compliments me, makes me happier than I deserve to be and who’s always knew me better than I know myself. In fact, to think about it, every major fight we had was because of Z and his girlfriend…

WHAT DO I DO?

Stuck In the Middle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE:  Here’s a question for you, SItM. Statistics being what they are, I’m going to assume that you’re a Harry Potter fan. So let us imagine that Fred and George have both started new relationships. And while George’s relationship has been going as smooth as can be, Fred’s is considerably more turbulent because, for whatever, reason, Fred’s girlfriend has decided she’s not cool with George dating a Muggle-born. But because she can’t just make demands based on Wizard purity – the Weasleys are famously pro-Muggle after all – she decides that the best thing to do would be to wage a whisper-campaign. George’s girlfriend is awful. She’s a harlot who’s only after that sweet, sweet, prank-shop money. And now because of this toxic atmosphere, things are getting tense between George, Fred and everyone else.

But now, consider. Who, do you think, is ultimately going to have more influence over Fred: George… or Fred’s girlfriend of a year? After all, while family dynamics can vary and sex has a way of making people blind to people’s faults, there’s a bond between twins that’s incredibly deep and profound. They know each other better than anyone else, have been through the fires together and know good and well that no matter what else happens, they have each other.

If George were to tell Fred that his girlfriend has turned into a drama-bomb that’s messing up their happy family… how long do you think it’s going to take before Fred’s girlfriend is going to get pranked until she finally gets the hint and leaves?

The same thing applies with you, X and Z, SItM. You’ve tried talking to Z. You’ve tried talking to Z’s girlfriend.

But you don’t mention whether you’ve talked with X about the two of them.

Here’s the problem: as inseparable a trio as you may have been before Z+1 came along, you don’t have as much influence with Z as they do. Z’s girlfriend is his girlfriend. It’s understandable that she’s going to have more sway with him, especially if he’s in full “When A Man Loves A Woman” mode.

But X is Z’s twin brother. That trumps a whole lotta other stuff. And you are X’s girlfriend.

I hope you see where I’m going with this.

You’ve tried confronting the issue head on. You’ve gone straight to the source, and you’ve tried to talk it out with Z. Your influence with them is just not enough to beat this particular trial. But X’s is. If you can help X to realize just how much garbage Z’s girlfriend is stirring up, how much strife is because she’s the one dripping poison in everyone’s ear, then it’ll be X who’s having that conversation with Z about just how toxic his girlfriend is being.

And that’s the key here: as awful as Z’s girlfriend is being to you, her behavior is a pretty serious sign that she’s awful for Z too. And while X may not see her rumor mongering and dirty tricks campaign against you, he very well may be more sensitive to someone treating his brother like garbage and being an jerk to his own girlfriend.

It sucks that things have reached the point where you have to play “Let’s You And Him Fight”. I find the idea of having to play these sorts of games in relationships to be distasteful. But you’ve already taken the direct approach. Z isn’t listening to you and his girlfriend isn’t going to be happy unless she’s the only woman in the group. The best thing you can do is to talk to X, show him this pattern of behavior and get him to intercede. Not on your behalf – though it will certainly help – but on his brother’s.

Frame this as concern for Z – just as she’s framing her mud-slinging as concern for X – and you’ll be in a stronger position to make things happen.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently connected with someone I’ve met briefly in the past over a dating app and hit off the conversation with her. Let’s call her Alpha. We set up a time to grab some drinks last Friday, but she canceled the day-of citing a work event she forgot she needed to attend. Not problem though, she offered to meet up either later that weekend or next week.

I mentioned that I was going to be attending a neighborhood music/art festival the next day offering to meet up if she was around. She responded enthusiastically saying how she’d like to meet up! 

I text Alpha the day of the event asking if she’d like to meet up and where she was and… nothing. Frustrated, I let it sit. She finally got back to me Sunday night explaining what she ended up doing that day/evening. I noticed the mention of her friend she went to another event with- let’s call her Epsilon.

Epsilon’s name kept sticking out when it dawned on me, I went on a date with an Epsilon who happened to work at the same (extremely large) company. In fact, I met Epsilon the same night I connected with Alpha at a large party and we went home together- yikes! The date we shared wasn’t great and, after sensing that Epsilon wasn’t interested in a second date, we never connected again. A quick peek over on Alpha’s Instagram and, yep, there the two of them are!

So, surely Epsilon mentioned all of this to Alpha, hence the sudden radio-silence that I experienced last weekend. My frustration comes from having no chance to make a case for myself. I have no clue what Epsilon said about me, but it clearly wasn’t positive. I think Alpha and I would have a fun time on a date, but I’m stuck throwing in the towel before I even start the first round. 

I don’t go on enough dates for this to be a common occurrence, so this is particularly weird. My question is, is anything salvageable here? Is there a chance to reconnect with Alpha in the future, or do I “take the L” and move along?

Sincerely,

Three’s A Crowd

DEAR THREE’S A CROWD: There’s a saying I like, TaC; if you’re a regular reader, you may have heard me say it before:

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

This makes for a handy rule of thumb as a way to tell if, say, someone is trying to send you a message when they don’t return your calls. At the same time, it’s also useful as a way to remind yourself not to give more weight to a coincidence than the incident actually deserves. There is always going to be the temptation to look for malice or reason in the random events that occur in our lives. The idea that there’s an outside force working against us is perversely reassuring; it gives a deeper meaning to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune besides “sh*t happens, wear a hat.” But at the same time, the idea that there’s an intelligent force behind your misery also has the effect of absolving you of any responsibility for why things may have gone wrong.

Plus: if you try to bring it up to, say, someone you feel isn’t dating you because of gossip, you kinda look like you lined your bedroom with tin foil to keep out the spy beams.

Right now, TaC, you’re making assumptions based on facts not in evidence. Let’s look at what you actually know: the incontrovertible facts.  Alpha ghosted you. Alpha also happens to be connected to someone you went on a single date with.

That’s it. Everything else after that is pure speculation. You don’t know what sort of relationship Alpha and Epsilon have. You don’t know that Alpha ever talked to Epsilon about you, or that Epsilon even remembers who you are. For that matter, you also don’t know that anything Epsilon said – if she said anything – actually changed Alpha’s mind. These are all things that you’ve basically invented out of whole cloth. It’s possible yes, but not plausible. It’s far more plausible, likely, even, that Alpha decided on her own that she just wasn’t feeling it and, like a lot of people these days, she decided there was no real need to respond.

And hey, that’s no fun.

But it is what it is, and the only thing you can do is just roll with it. Trying to plead your case isn’t going to go anywhere, TaC. First of all, as I said: you don’t know what actually happened. If you roll into the conversation with “I don’t know what Epsilon told you but…” then you’re going to look unhinged. Second of all, you had your chance to plead your case… when you first connected on the dating app. People who want to see you will make an effort to see you. I’ve had cases where we spent a solid month and a half with “Let’s meet up on this date! Wait, something went wrong, ok how about THIS date? No, I’ll be out of town, what about…” that eventually lead to an actual date.

Alpha just wasn’t digging you, my dude. And considering that she didn’t care enough to actually say “hey, something came up” on the day of your proposed date, asking for another chance to prove whatever scurrilous stories Epsilon may or may not have told her is unlikely to change her mind.

Acknowledge that this sucks, take the experience points, brush the dirt off your shoulder and move on.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I love your book and podcast – it’s so clearcut and informative, and it’s really a gift for people who struggle with dating, like myself.

So here’s my dilemma. It seems that I have a history of dating emotionally unavailable women. I’ve dated a few women each year, and each time, it starts off great, we have an instant connection, and then we go on a few dates, usually getting intimate pretty quickly, and it seems that we have the chemistry for a great relationship, but then almost always after the 3-5 date mark, the woman cuts me off. Each time I’ve gotten rejected, I felt terrible thinking that I did something wrong or that I wasn’t good enough. But recently, after some time, I’ve asked a lot of these women why they stopped talking to me, and so far, most of them will say that it was all their fault and that they’d like another shot.

It seems I just keep meeting emotionally unavailable women and that I’m doing something to attract them. Even when I use online dating and don’t even initiate the conversation, I keep finding these women. Having said all of this, what do you think I should do? What am I doing that’s attracting these women? How do I change this so I find emotional available women? If you can help me out, I’d be forever grateful. Thank you!

Roadblocked

DEAR ROADBLOCKED:  When it comes to trying to troubleshoot you love life, sometimes you need to stop and look for the commonalities, RB. What do all of those relationships and interactions have in common? Sometimes it’s a matter of never getting out of your comfort zone. Doing the same thing over and over again tends to lead to getting the same results. Other times, it’s just pure bad luck or demographics that work against you. And then sometimes the only commonality is… well, you.

When you find yourself dating the same sort of woman over and over again, whether it’s a physical type or women who’re just emotionally closed off, then that’s usually a sign that there’s something about those women that jives with you. Now this doesn’t mean that they’re people that you’re attracted to, just that there’s some aspect of them that you connect with – and not necessarily in a positive manner. People who tend to date drama bombs, for example, often do so because drama fulfills a need in them. It may make them feel important. It may be a source of excitement in an otherwise staid life. The fact that you connect so quickly with emotionally unavailable may be an issue with you and your own self-esteem. People who don’t believe they’re worthy of love, or who are actually afraid of success will often chase after partners who they know are “safe”, pursuing relationships that they know are ultimately impossible. Since they know there’s no chance of success, they don’t feel the anxiety that comes with approaching someone when there are actual stakes.

It’s worth taking a long, deep dive into these women you’ve been dating… and into yourself. Doing some serious introspection, examining how you feel about yourself and how they made you feel can be a good start. And if you are chasing after women who aren’t right for you? Then it’s a good time to stop and ask why.

And in the meantime: try pursuing relationships women you might not approach, normally. Sometimes finding out what’s wrong means doing things very differently and seeing if you get different results. But overall: the next time you find yourself starting to connect with someone, take a moment and take stock. Do you really have this incredible instant connection? Or are you repeating the same pattern over again?

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)