DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have been stuck in a very messy situation with my partner (for our purposes, let’s call him X).

We have been dating for almost 2 years and he is an absolute darling. In fact, I can’t even picture myself with anybody else. He is charming, loving, understanding… He makes me feel alive in a too often dim world.

The catch? He has an identical twin brother (let’s call him Z). At first this wasn’t a problem at all. In our first few months together, the three of us were unstoppable. Z became my best friend. Everything was perfect… Until Z got a girlfriend. I tried to support their relationship, but for some reason she kept on stabbing me in the back. She’s acted in absurd ways: spreading false rumors, trying to convince X that I’m cheating and even going so far as to forbid Z to so much as greet me.

This has lead to things getting bad between me and X. Because of the close bond X and Z had, ignoring the “girlfriend” wasn’t an option. I tried everything – from trying to befriend her, to talking to Z. Nothing worked. More than a year has passed and I know that I can’t take it anymore. I know that the negativity she brought into my life was too much for me to handle. But I also know, for as long as I’m with X it won’t end. I don’t know if I’m willing to let go of someone who compliments me, makes me happier than I deserve to be and who’s always knew me better than I know myself. In fact, to think about it, every major fight we had was because of Z and his girlfriend…

WHAT DO I DO?

Stuck In the Middle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE:  Here’s a question for you, SItM. Statistics being what they are, I’m going to assume that you’re a Harry Potter fan. So let us imagine that Fred and George have both started new relationships. And while George’s relationship has been going as smooth as can be, Fred’s is considerably more turbulent because, for whatever, reason, Fred’s girlfriend has decided she’s not cool with George dating a Muggle-born. But because she can’t just make demands based on Wizard purity – the Weasleys are famously pro-Muggle after all – she decides that the best thing to do would be to wage a whisper-campaign. George’s girlfriend is awful. She’s a harlot who’s only after that sweet, sweet, prank-shop money. And now because of this toxic atmosphere, things are getting tense between George, Fred and everyone else.

But now, consider. Who, do you think, is ultimately going to have more influence over Fred: George… or Fred’s girlfriend of a year? After all, while family dynamics can vary and sex has a way of making people blind to people’s faults, there’s a bond between twins that’s incredibly deep and profound. They know each other better than anyone else, have been through the fires together and know good and well that no matter what else happens, they have each other.

If George were to tell Fred that his girlfriend has turned into a drama-bomb that’s messing up their happy family… how long do you think it’s going to take before Fred’s girlfriend is going to get pranked until she finally gets the hint and leaves?

The same thing applies with you, X and Z, SItM. You’ve tried talking to Z. You’ve tried talking to Z’s girlfriend.

But you don’t mention whether you’ve talked with X about the two of them.

Here’s the problem: as inseparable a trio as you may have been before Z+1 came along, you don’t have as much influence with Z as they do. Z’s girlfriend is his girlfriend. It’s understandable that she’s going to have more sway with him, especially if he’s in full “When A Man Loves A Woman” mode.

But X is Z’s twin brother. That trumps a whole lotta other stuff. And you are X’s girlfriend.

I hope you see where I’m going with this.

You’ve tried confronting the issue head on. You’ve gone straight to the source, and you’ve tried to talk it out with Z. Your influence with them is just not enough to beat this particular trial. But X’s is. If you can help X to realize just how much garbage Z’s girlfriend is stirring up, how much strife is because she’s the one dripping poison in everyone’s ear, then it’ll be X who’s having that conversation with Z about just how toxic his girlfriend is being.

And that’s the key here: as awful as Z’s girlfriend is being to you, her behavior is a pretty serious sign that she’s awful for Z too. And while X may not see her rumor mongering and dirty tricks campaign against you, he very well may be more sensitive to someone treating his brother like garbage and being an jerk to his own girlfriend.

It sucks that things have reached the point where you have to play “Let’s You And Him Fight”. I find the idea of having to play these sorts of games in relationships to be distasteful. But you’ve already taken the direct approach. Z isn’t listening to you and his girlfriend isn’t going to be happy unless she’s the only woman in the group. The best thing you can do is to talk to X, show him this pattern of behavior and get him to intercede. Not on your behalf – though it will certainly help – but on his brother’s.

Frame this as concern for Z – just as she’s framing her mud-slinging as concern for X – and you’ll be in a stronger position to make things happen.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I seem to walk two different roads with ladies these days. The first is in a casual, social setting. If I meet a girl I’m interested in, we seem to hit it off. The conversation will be good, flirtation back-and-forth is fun, and there definitely is a chemistry between the two of us. This will either end in an exchange of info or (rarely, but fun) spending the night with each other. I’m really in my element here and enjoy the easygoing nature of meeting someone and having a nice time. 

The speed bump I seem to hit is when I ask that same girl on a date. That’s where I am struggling. The easygoing chemistry seems to evaporate and it goes from two people enjoying time with each other to an interview. While the time we had in the social setting was flirtatious, the energy in the date is significantly less so. After one or two dates, I can really pick up on her cues: she just isn’t interested. 

I’ve noticed some negative trends that I seem to repeat in a lot of these situations. I don’t go on that many dates, so the people I do date are the ones I really would like to spend more time with. This inevitably leads to a lot of anticipation, nerves, and projecting my hopes onto this person. This is sure to lead to some disappointment, so I am trying to maturely manage these feelings more effectively.

Also, I’m a very outgoing guy. As much as I want to be the cool guy, I just am not. This is okay with me, though. I’m very happy with who I am. I do ask the question though: am I coming on too strong? Do I look like a loser here? I’m going easy, should I tone it down even more?

I sense that I am missing something in these situations. How do I maintain attraction with these ladies through the first few dates and start to connect more? Is the energy I bring from the social setting to the date different enough that it throws these girls off? 

At 25, I have time to navigate these waters, but I need to figure this out before I completely jump ship.

Sincerely,

Without a Paddle

DEAR WITHOUT A PADDLE: You answered your own question here, WaP:

“This inevitably leads to a lot of anticipation, nerves, and projecting my hopes onto this person.”

The reason why you’re having such an easy time when things are casual is because it’s so low stakes. It’s so much easier and natural for you because hey, there’s no investment here. You haven’t put yourself in a position where you feel as though you’ve tied your own value to whether they like you or not. Instead, you’re able to just be in the moment. Everything is light and easy and enjoyable because hey, the worst thing that happens is that she’s not into you and you move on to find someone else who is.

It’s the moment that you ask her out on a date – with a giant capital “D” in gothic script – that it all falls apart. In that moment, you’ve gone from having an enjoyable back and forth with an attractive stranger to “everything must go perfectly.” Suddenly you’ve invested this relative stranger with such immense importance in your life that you feel as though you have to be perfect in order to get her to like you. It doesn’t matter that she’s exactly the same person she was five minutes before you asked her out to dinner. It doesn’t matter that she was clearly enjoying her time with you before, when you had no skin in the game. Now you know this boogie is for real and you’d better nail it.

But literally nothing has changed. The only thing that’s different is your perception. It’s not as though saying the magic words “hey, would you like to get a drink this Saturday?” caused lightning to crash from the heavens and now the woman you’ve been low-key flirting with has turned into Captain Future Wife. And yet, you’re starting to project so much onto this relative stranger that you’ve allowed her to damage your own self-worth… despite the fact that you may not have known she existed 24 hours ago.

So now there’re stakes (that you made up) and you’re stuck with what’s known as the Centipede’s Dilemma; you didn’t have any problem coordinating all those feet until you started to think about how you did it. Now you’re trying to consciously recreate that easy-going chemistry and charisma you had before and suddenly your brain has gone blank. You’re trying to get that scintillating banter to happen and your mouth is all “Daaaaaaw how do words go?”

And again: the only reason why there’s this dramatic difference is because your perception of the situation has changed.

Fortunately, that also means that it’s relatively easy to change things back. The trick is to simply demystify and de-emphasize the importance of this date. Your going on a formal DATE with her is exactly the same as if the two of you decided to grab a drink in the moment. It’s no different than the same steps that lead towards the two of you deciding that you’d like to take this party back to your place. The only difference is that it may be on a different night, instead of right then and there.

First: remind yourself that this person already likes you. While this may come as a surprise, most women aren’t going on dates with people they’re not at least somewhat attracted to.  The fact that she’s decided to commit an hour or more of her busy life to doing something with you is an indicator that she thinks you’re pretty damn nifty and wants to see what else might be there.

Second: remember that she’s the exact same person that she was before you asked her out on a date. All that unbounded potential that you see in her now was already there when you were chatting her up. Literally nothing about her has changed.

Third: remember that by that same token, if for whatever reason things don’t work out between the two of you? Then literally nothing changes for you. Your status quo is exactly the same as it was before. You just realized that you weren’t going to connect with this person in the way that would’ve made a relationship possible. And while that’s a shame, in the words of Tim Minchin:

“But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves, statistically, some of them would be equally nice.”

You already know that; it’s part of why you don’t have a minor freak out when those strangers you casually flirt with just don’t dig you.

So my dude, just keep your cool here. Don’t let the D-word intimidate you into thinking that this person is anything she wasn’t five seconds before you asked her out. Consider that date as just an extension of the easygoing nature of that back and forth the two of you were enjoying earlier. The energy you were bringing before is what they were digging about you, so keep it going. You don’t have to radically shift gears to make that connection work. Keep talking, keep flirting and just keep it casual as you get to know her. That deeper connection will come if you stop trying to force it and let it flow as naturally as you had been up until now.

You already have the skills to make this happen, WaP. You just need to get out of your own way.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently connected with someone I’ve met briefly in the past over a dating app and hit off the conversation with her. Let’s call her Alpha. We set up a time to grab some drinks last Friday, but she canceled the day-of citing a work event she forgot she needed to attend. Not problem though, she offered to meet up either later that weekend or next week.

I mentioned that I was going to be attending a neighborhood music/art festival the next day offering to meet up if she was around. She responded enthusiastically saying how she’d like to meet up! 

I text Alpha the day of the event asking if she’d like to meet up and where she was and… nothing. Frustrated, I let it sit. She finally got back to me Sunday night explaining what she ended up doing that day/evening. I noticed the mention of her friend she went to another event with- let’s call her Epsilon.

Epsilon’s name kept sticking out when it dawned on me, I went on a date with an Epsilon who happened to work at the same (extremely large) company. In fact, I met Epsilon the same night I connected with Alpha at a large party and we went home together- yikes! The date we shared wasn’t great and, after sensing that Epsilon wasn’t interested in a second date, we never connected again. A quick peek over on Alpha’s Instagram and, yep, there the two of them are!

So, surely Epsilon mentioned all of this to Alpha, hence the sudden radio-silence that I experienced last weekend. My frustration comes from having no chance to make a case for myself. I have no clue what Epsilon said about me, but it clearly wasn’t positive. I think Alpha and I would have a fun time on a date, but I’m stuck throwing in the towel before I even start the first round. 

I don’t go on enough dates for this to be a common occurrence, so this is particularly weird. My question is, is anything salvageable here? Is there a chance to reconnect with Alpha in the future, or do I “take the L” and move along?

Sincerely,

Three’s A Crowd

DEAR THREE’S A CROWD: There’s a saying I like, TaC; if you’re a regular reader, you may have heard me say it before:

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

This makes for a handy rule of thumb as a way to tell if, say, someone is trying to send you a message when they don’t return your calls. At the same time, it’s also useful as a way to remind yourself not to give more weight to a coincidence than the incident actually deserves. There is always going to be the temptation to look for malice or reason in the random events that occur in our lives. The idea that there’s an outside force working against us is perversely reassuring; it gives a deeper meaning to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune besides “sh*t happens, wear a hat.” But at the same time, the idea that there’s an intelligent force behind your misery also has the effect of absolving you of any responsibility for why things may have gone wrong.

Plus: if you try to bring it up to, say, someone you feel isn’t dating you because of gossip, you kinda look like you lined your bedroom with tin foil to keep out the spy beams.

Right now, TaC, you’re making assumptions based on facts not in evidence. Let’s look at what you actually know: the incontrovertible facts.  Alpha ghosted you. Alpha also happens to be connected to someone you went on a single date with.

That’s it. Everything else after that is pure speculation. You don’t know what sort of relationship Alpha and Epsilon have. You don’t know that Alpha ever talked to Epsilon about you, or that Epsilon even remembers who you are. For that matter, you also don’t know that anything Epsilon said – if she said anything – actually changed Alpha’s mind. These are all things that you’ve basically invented out of whole cloth. It’s possible yes, but not plausible. It’s far more plausible, likely, even, that Alpha decided on her own that she just wasn’t feeling it and, like a lot of people these days, she decided there was no real need to respond.

And hey, that’s no fun.

But it is what it is, and the only thing you can do is just roll with it. Trying to plead your case isn’t going to go anywhere, TaC. First of all, as I said: you don’t know what actually happened. If you roll into the conversation with “I don’t know what Epsilon told you but…” then you’re going to look unhinged. Second of all, you had your chance to plead your case… when you first connected on the dating app. People who want to see you will make an effort to see you. I’ve had cases where we spent a solid month and a half with “Let’s meet up on this date! Wait, something went wrong, ok how about THIS date? No, I’ll be out of town, what about…” that eventually lead to an actual date.

Alpha just wasn’t digging you, my dude. And considering that she didn’t care enough to actually say “hey, something came up” on the day of your proposed date, asking for another chance to prove whatever scurrilous stories Epsilon may or may not have told her is unlikely to change her mind.

Acknowledge that this sucks, take the experience points, brush the dirt off your shoulder and move on.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I love your book and podcast – it’s so clearcut and informative, and it’s really a gift for people who struggle with dating, like myself.

So here’s my dilemma. It seems that I have a history of dating emotionally unavailable women. I’ve dated a few women each year, and each time, it starts off great, we have an instant connection, and then we go on a few dates, usually getting intimate pretty quickly, and it seems that we have the chemistry for a great relationship, but then almost always after the 3-5 date mark, the woman cuts me off. Each time I’ve gotten rejected, I felt terrible thinking that I did something wrong or that I wasn’t good enough. But recently, after some time, I’ve asked a lot of these women why they stopped talking to me, and so far, most of them will say that it was all their fault and that they’d like another shot.

It seems I just keep meeting emotionally unavailable women and that I’m doing something to attract them. Even when I use online dating and don’t even initiate the conversation, I keep finding these women. Having said all of this, what do you think I should do? What am I doing that’s attracting these women? How do I change this so I find emotional available women? If you can help me out, I’d be forever grateful. Thank you!

Roadblocked

DEAR ROADBLOCKED:  When it comes to trying to troubleshoot you love life, sometimes you need to stop and look for the commonalities, RB. What do all of those relationships and interactions have in common? Sometimes it’s a matter of never getting out of your comfort zone. Doing the same thing over and over again tends to lead to getting the same results. Other times, it’s just pure bad luck or demographics that work against you. And then sometimes the only commonality is… well, you.

When you find yourself dating the same sort of woman over and over again, whether it’s a physical type or women who’re just emotionally closed off, then that’s usually a sign that there’s something about those women that jives with you. Now this doesn’t mean that they’re people that you’re attracted to, just that there’s some aspect of them that you connect with – and not necessarily in a positive manner. People who tend to date drama bombs, for example, often do so because drama fulfills a need in them. It may make them feel important. It may be a source of excitement in an otherwise staid life. The fact that you connect so quickly with emotionally unavailable may be an issue with you and your own self-esteem. People who don’t believe they’re worthy of love, or who are actually afraid of success will often chase after partners who they know are “safe”, pursuing relationships that they know are ultimately impossible. Since they know there’s no chance of success, they don’t feel the anxiety that comes with approaching someone when there are actual stakes.

It’s worth taking a long, deep dive into these women you’ve been dating… and into yourself. Doing some serious introspection, examining how you feel about yourself and how they made you feel can be a good start. And if you are chasing after women who aren’t right for you? Then it’s a good time to stop and ask why.

And in the meantime: try pursuing relationships women you might not approach, normally. Sometimes finding out what’s wrong means doing things very differently and seeing if you get different results. But overall: the next time you find yourself starting to connect with someone, take a moment and take stock. Do you really have this incredible instant connection? Or are you repeating the same pattern over again?

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girl is a labourer, which means she generally works with predominantly men – which also means she makes a lot of male friends. Problem is, I’ve had a lot of bad experience with opposite-sex-friendships in relationships and am suffering some major insecurity issues.

I realise this is largely a personal issues, but I just want advice on how I could possibly deal with the situation. Any advice on how I can get over my insecurity and trust issues? Is it right for her to hang out with these guys while I’m at work?

I try to be modern and play it off like I don’t care, but it’s eating me up inside with all these conflicting feelings – as in, I shouldn’t control who she hangs out with and when, but my head keeps trying to push me to ask to at least be involved – so that I can make sure these dudes aren’t making a move on her.

Help.

Feeling Jealous

DEAR FEELING JEALOUS: So I want to warn you that right off the bat, FJ, you’re going to be getting a lot of “build yourself a bridge and get over it” responses from folks over this. And to a certain extent, they’re correct: this is basically a problem that is entirely in your head and it’s on you to work through it.

But you know what? I can understand the way you’re feeling. I’ve been there and done that… which means I know exactly what’s going to happen if you don’t sort your head out: you’re going to push your girlfriend away. Maybe it’ll be into one of her male friends’ arms. Maybe it won’t. Either way it won’t matter, because all it’s going to do is just confirm to you that you had a reason to be jealous and controlling and you can never trust other dudes around a woman.

So let’s do something radical here before everything goes horribly wrong, FJ. Let’s head this off at the pass.

Because you’re right: it’s a personal issue. You’re wrong about the cause though. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t doubt you’ve had bad experiences with opposite-sex friendships, but that’s not the underlying issue here. The underlying issue here is your self-esteem. Specifically: you don’t have any.

Is that harsh? Yeah, it’s a little harsh. But it’s true. Because let’s face it: unless there’s something major you’ve left out of your letter – it’s pretty short, maybe you did – your girlfriend isn’t giving you any reason to believe she’s about to or is currently cheating on you. This is all your jerk-brain playing Iago to your Othello, telling you that Desdemona has to have been schtupping half the guardsman in the barracks. It’s that lack of self-esteem, that lack of belief in yourself or in your inherent value which makes you believe that there’s trouble in the offing.

The reason why you’re freaking out about your girlfriend having lots of male friends is that you don’t believe that you can measure up to them. In your head, they’re big, strapping, macho alpha males whereas you… aren’t. Furthermore, you seem to have bought into the idea that men can’t possibly be friends with a woman without wanting to bone her, so clearly these guys are hanging around your girlfriend like a bunch of mountain lions around a solitary sheep, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. And because you don’t feel as though you have any actual worth, you have this nagging feeling that the only possible reason why your girlfriend isn’t banging one or all of them is because you sporadically remind her of your existence.

And if I’m right – and I bet I am – you haven’t breathed a word of this to your girlfriend.

That’s the root of all your problems right there.

I mean, let’s look at this logically. Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t. If you don’t trust her, then you shouldn’t be dating her at all, because trust is the foundation that relationships are built upon. So let’s proceed under the assumption that you do trust her. In which case: who cares if one of her friends makes a move on her? Just because someone makes a pass at your girlfriend doesn’t mean that she’s going to suddenly fling her panties to the wind and cry out “Take me now, you stallion, take me in a manly fashion!” No, what’s going to happen is that she’s going to shoot him down. Why? Because she’s already chosen YOU.

Your girlfriend – out of all the other guys in her life – has chosen to date you. This alone should tell you something: that there is something about you that she finds more appealing, more attractive, more worthwhile than those other guys. Maybe the other guys are handsomer. Maybe other guys she knows are funnier or more financially well off. Maybe some dress better or have fancier cars. Doesn’t matter. By dating you, she is telling you that the sum totality of who you are means more to her than those other guys out there.

And here you are, basically calling her a liar.

You don’t believe that you have value, that you have any worth, so you’re intrinsically saying “I don’t believe you. You can’t possibly like me. As soon as I’m not in eyeshot, you’re going to go straight to Dirk Chestmeat.” And you know what? There’s only so many times you can call someone a liar and push them away before they decide that they’ve had enough and leave.

The other problem is that this fear that she’s inevitably going to cheat on you because she has so many other guys around her? That’s going to come out in your behavior. I mean, you’re already anxious about it. It’s eating you up inside. It’s making you tense, it’s making you nauseous. I can guarantee you, you’re not as good about keeping that tension out of your face and voice when you talk to her, that stiffness out of your limbs when you hold her. She may not say anything, but I bet she’s noticed. And I bet she’s wondering what’s wrong.

It’s important to deal with these feelings, with that lack of self-esteem. It doesn’t take very long before fear becomes certainty and that in turn becomes bitterness and resentment. And when that happens… you start getting angry at her. Angry for things she hasn’t done, which she isn’t even thinking of. And c’mon: it’s not fair to get angry at someone for what’s ultimately going on in your head, not if you want this relationship to work.

And believe me, the answer is not to wave your insecurity in her face. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen guys try to “win” a girl by trying to perpetually occupy her attention, who believed that the only way to he was going to get her interested in him is if he somehow blocked every other male she wanted to talk to. I’ll give you three guesses how many times that trick worked and the first two don’t count. That’s sad enough in courting behavior. It’s especially sad when it’s a jealous boyfriend who believes that his presence is the only thing preventing her from cheating on him.

So right now you have a long-term and and a short term solution. First: you need to talk to somebody – a counselor, a psychologist, someone – about your self-esteem and insecurity issues. These are going to be the core of every relationship problem you have, the common denominator that’s going to underline every single break-up and failed relationship. The sooner you start addressing these issues, the better; not only will it make your life better over all, it will make you feel much more secure in your relationships. That’s the long-term solution. It’s not going to be quick or easy, but it’s necessary.

Next is the short-term solution: you’re going to use your words. You need to talk with your girlfriend. And here’s what you need to say: “Listen, I’m an insecure bag of slop right now. I love you and I trust you, but I had some bad experiences in the past and I get anxious about you hanging around other guys. I know it’s irrational, and it’s about how I’m feeling and not about anything you’re doing. I don’t want you to stop being friends with them and I’m not telling you who you can and can’t be friends with. I just want you to know that I get insecure every now and again. I’m working on it, but I’d appreciate a little reassurance every once in a while.” That’s it.

Letting her know that you feel this way, that you recognize that this is irrational is important. Like I said: the fact that this is eating you up is coming out in your letter and if I can see it in seven sentences, then it’s definitely coming out in your behavior with her. And the odds are, she knows you’re upset but she doesn’t know why and – if she cares about you at all – wants to help. Opening up to her so she understands why you may get twitchy every now and again is like venting steam – you’re relieving the pressure that’s been building up for so long. You’ll be amazed at how much just getting it out there will help.  And by giving her something concrete that she can do to help rather than trying to restrict her… well, I suspect that’ll bring her relief too.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve got a bad case of the jitterbugs – I love to dance.

I’ve dabbled in swing, tango, blues, waltz, square, Scottish, and a folk dance called contra. All of the places have one thing in common: if you want to dance with someone, wait ten minutes for a break in the music and just ask them. If they say yes, great! If they say no, no big deal–just ask someone else. It’s pretty transparent and its a great time.

However, I’ve occasionally found myself at a normal club with pop music playing and lots of people on a crowded dance floor. Since the music is pretty continuous, I’ll try starting to dance along and dancing over to a woman who didn’t look like she was dancing with anyone and asking her if she wanted to dance. It’s impossible to speak, so this was pretty much all through eye contact and the well-known “would you care to dance?” hand gesture. Every time I’ve done this, I’ve gotten a “what the hell?” facial expression as if I’m the creepiest lizardman they’ve ever seen crawl from a sewer. I don’t like that feeling, so I’ve really only tried this a handful of times. I usually either dance by myself off in a corner, or just leave. A female friend of mine told me that you’re just supposed to start grinding on someone and she’ll either be into it or shoo you off. I’ve never worked up the courage to do that because dancing at clubs generally involves grinding your genitalia against the other person and doing that without asking, well… frankly it sounds too much like sexual assault.

So, what course of action would you prescribe?

Confused Jitterbug

DEAR CONFUSED JITTERBUG:  you’ve asked the wrong guy. Even when I was going to clubs, I didn’t dance unless I was literally dragged onto the floor by someone and even then, I mostly did the “arms at 90 degrees, shuffle side-to-side” move. Swing dancing, ballroom, salsa, cha-cha, I’m your guy. In da club… not so much.

That being said: I can tell you that being the guy who just starts rubbing his junk on a random girl? Not the guy you want to be. I’ve lost track of how many women have complained to me about guys who do that. Now personally, I’d suggest that instead of doing the “shall we dance” routine – which is a bit formal and out of place in a club setting – I’d recommend talking to someone for a few minutes and getting a conversation started. Then just say “hey, let’s dance!”, take her hand and lead her out to the floor.

But that’s just me and – like I said – I’m not the club guy. So I’m tossing this one out to my club-going readers: what’s the best way to ask someone to dance at a loud club?

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)