DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hi Dr. NerdLove, I am 5 years into a relationship, and we've lived together for 3 of those years. During the past year, a new neighbor moved in next door. She is about a decade younger than us, and often spends time working in her backyard wearing tight short-shorts and an exercise bra. She's truly gorgeous and model fit with bleached blonde hair. Our kitchen window is above our sink and stove, and it looks directly into her backyard.

My partner has become so distracted by her that it's uncomfortable for me to be in my own kitchen. I do my best to go about my business and be calm - and keep the curtain closed - but I frequently catch him staring out the window, finding excuses to open the curtains, and coming up with reasons to be in the yard. I've even seen him standing in front of the window - with the top half of the window exposed - at night after showering, naked.

I feel a sense of dread in my stomach when I'm heading home, wondering if she'll be out in the yard today. I've brought up my discomfort with my partner twice. The first time, he completely denied it. The next day, he asked me to marry him. The second time he also pretended it wasn't happening.

I do want to have compassion for him. It must be so exciting to him to have a free show in his own kitchen. But it's hard to hold my head high. Do you have any insight or advice on how to talk to him about this, or about what I should do?

Thank you,

Tired Of The Show

DEAR TIRED OF THE SHOW: Humans are built to seek out variety and novelty in virtually all forms of stimulus. One of the weirder quirks of the human psyche is how easily we get used to just about anything. It's called hedonic adaptation; once we adapt to a particular stimuli, we return to our pre-existing baseline. So as comfy as your bed may be, after a certain amount of time, it becomes just "your bed". As delicious as your favorite food may be, eat enough of it and it's just "food". And no matter how much you love and desire your partner, there comes a point where they're your baseline. They don't give you the same thrill as they did when things were new and exciting.

One of the ways this manifests is the way that we react when we see someone hot. We get that little dopamine hit straight to the brain and want more. So we keep looking. It's a natural and nearly universal response, across cultures, relationship status and gender.

But the fact that it's natural and understandable doesn't change the fact that sometimes you end up acting like an jackass in the process.

Case in point: your boyfriend, ToTS. It's normal that he's going to be interested in checking out your new hot neighbor. The way he’s going about it, however, is rude, hurtful, and honestly, really creepy. First and foremost, he's ignoring how uncomfortable this is making you. The fact that you've called him out on this, twice, and he's still doing it? That's unacceptable.

Distracting you with a proposal or just straight up lying? That's adding insult to injury; he's behaving as though you're stupid or that he can bluff his way into making you doubt your own lying eyes.

Then there's the WAY he's behaving. Sensible folks who'd like to check someone out without being weird about it learn to use their peripheral vision. One can still get an eyeful without staring like a horny 12 year old. But starting to hang out in front of the window naked? That's some escalating behavior right there. I'm wondering if your boyfriend doesn't have a voyeur fetish... or if he's hoping to get caught by said hot neighbor. Maybe he's starting to hope that she'll see his naked self staring out the window and invite him over like a bad porno.

Of course, what is far more likely to happen is that she's going to get seriously weirded out and possibly call the cops on him. People don’t appreciate being dragged into someone performing in else's sexual fantasy without their consent.

So here's what I suggest: you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your boyfriend. I don't know how blunt you were about how uncomfortable he was making you the first two times you brought this up, but now's the time to bring out the Chair Leg of Truth. He needs to know, in no uncertain terms that the way he's ogling the neighbor is making you incredibly uncomfortable, and the fact that he's blown you off twice now is hurtful and unacceptable. Moreover, he's embarrassing himself and acting like a giant creeper. A 12 year old might be forgiven for acting like this - once - because they don't know better. Your boyfriend, however, is a grown-ass man and even goldfish can learn. He presumably has had enough experience that all the blood shouldn't leave his brain at seeing a woman in her underwear, nor to act in such a leering manner that it makes his girlfriend uncomfortable.

This is not a major ask, ToTS. This is equal parts basic consideration and simple emotional intelligence. He should be able to make it through the world without a glimpse of an attractive woman in a sports bra is turning him into the cartoon wolf from Red Hot Riding Hood. He should also be able to get that this hurts you and realize that maybe he should stop.

So lay all of that out there, as bluntly and directly as you humanly can. There shouldn't be any room to doubt how badly up he's behaving and how it's making you feel. Moreover, he needs to know that he needs to grow the hell up and knock it the hell off. Getting a subtle thrill is one thing. Making you feel worthless and blithely ignoring your stated boundaries is another.

With luck, a sharp smack upside the head with the clue-by-four will do the trick and he'll shape up already.

And if he doesn't? Then it's time to dump this guy so hard his parents get divorced retroactively, because the only way you have to go from there is down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Hey Doc, I just started reading your blog and watching your YouTube channel and I have to say it’s been a lot of fun and has helped me finally try the whole dating thing out. But I’ve tried recently, and it hasn’t gone magnificently.

So I have this coworker- we’ll call her T. Me and T got along wonderfully. She has my exact same sense of humor, we joke around all the time, we have generally similar interests, and I’m never unhappy when I’m around her. Although it did take me a good 3-4 months for me to realize “yeah, I’m totally into her”.

When I made up my mind, I tried to find some way for us to grow closer together so that a relationship could become more feasible. Not dates, but just doing things together outside of work to get closer.

She’s a writer, so I asked if she wanted to read one of her stories at an open mic with me. She said she was too nervous. I asked her if she wanted to play a couch co-op multiplayer game sometime. She said she had only one controller. The only place outside of work is at a gas station and that’s only for a few minutes after work.

After those simple hang outs failed, I decided I was just going to ask her out straight up. I said to her “T, you’re fun. We should do something fun. Do you wanna go out bowling?” At first she said yes, but later that night said that it would be more fun if we went out for breakfast....and invited all of our other coworkers too. I couldn’t say no or that I just wanted it to be the two of us because I had tried so hard to get close to this point and any opportunity just to be with her I would gladly take.

Some time passes, we still get along great and I decided that enough was enough. I sensed something more between us and I wanted to stop fooling around and actually act upon it. One night at the gas station, I asked her “do you wanna be more than just friends?”. I then went on to say that I thought she was funny and likable and pretty as hell. I said that I was never unhappy when I was around her and I wanted to make her as happy as she made me.

She said she would think about it and that she had no idea I had a crush on her. We parted ways and I didn’t contact her so she would have plenty of space and time to think.

When she got back to me, she said that she wanted to stay friends because her anxiety and nervousness would lead to her messing something up and hurting me. She said that really later down the line she might like to try, but she didn’t want to rush anything. She also added that she didn’t want work to become awkward.

I said that it was okay and that I didn’t want to pressure her into doing anything. I also added that whenever she was ready, I probably will still feel the same.

About a month passes and we work past the initial awkward phase at work and soon start to interact as if nothing happened (minus flirting, that has been toned down). I soon discover that another coworker of mine, we’ll call him M, is also into T. T also flirts with and talks with M more than me, especially after I revealed my feelings, so I bet there’s a strong chance that they either want to date or may even already be dating.

And this hurts. I hold no ill will towards either of them or anything, but it just plain hurts and even though I don’t know if they’re officially in a relationship yet, there’s no doubt I’m jealous as hell. Not to mention that if they are dating, all the reasons she didn’t want me were null and void and just boiled down to the fact that she wasn’t attracted to me. I don’t know if I was lied to or what.

I respect M and while he acts like a sarcastic snarky jerk to some people, he doesn’t to me. So I would love to still be friends with both of them, but I still totally have feelings for T. So now I’m completely lost as to what to do next. A part of me wants to just move on, but I still have the slightest glimmer of hope that T and I may still officially date. And if we don’t and T and M become a thing, what can I do to accept that? Should I confront them and just throw it out there that I’m jealous and hurting? Or do I just go on pretending I don’t know anything and just keep my jealousy to myself?

-Openly Confused

DEAR OPENLY CONFUSED: First of all, OC, let me congratulate you. You stepped up and asked someone out on a date. That's good. That takes guts. You should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there like that.

Now let me explain what's been going on. T isn't interested in you and she's been trying to tell you from the jump. She gets along with you and likes talking with you at work, but she's not interested in seeing you outside of that. All those times she gave you reasons why she couldn't (or wouldn't) go do stuff with you? Those were soft “no's", socially polite, plausible excuses to turn someone down.

Telling someone "no" directly is often seen as being rude or harsh and women in particular are socialized to be deferential and considerate of other people's feelings. So instead of saying "no, thanks" and possibly hurting your feelings, she's been giving throwing obstacles in the way and hoping that you get the hint. This way she can say "no" without actually saying the words and making you feel bad. Instead of drawing attention to the fact that you like her but she doesn't like you the same way, she's giving you an out. You can both agree to pretend it's not you, it's just bad luck/fate/whatever and everybody goes their separate ways.

This includes her telling you "maybe in the future"; it's a way of kicking the can down the road in hopes that it just won't come up again.

Now would it be easier if she just said "hey, thanks but I'd rather stay work friends?" Yes, probably. But socialization is tough to break and, honestly, a lot of dudes react badly to being turned down. There are dozens of women getting threatened, screamed at or physically attacked after saying "no, thanks" on a weekly basis. So for many people, those soft “no's" are safer, even if they can cause confusion.

Yes, you know that you're not like that. But that's still a serious risk for her. Plus, like I said: she's trying to let you down gently.

And hey, it sucks. I get that. Being rejected hurts. But all this means is that you and she weren't right for one another. The best thing you can do is accept this and move on. Because, honestly? There's nothing else for you to do, especially if you really want to be friends with the both of them.

Ask yourself: what does confronting them do? What would you hope to come from that? She knows how you feel; telling her again isn't going to change her mind. Similarly, it's not as though she's flirting with someone else at you. She's not doing this to make you upset. She's flirting with M because she digs him. You honestly don't enter into the equation at all. It sucks that you're envious but that's not their responsibility. That's on you to deal with. Accept that you're sad that it didn't work out between you and T; that's totally legit. Tell yourself that you're happy for the two of them and you want the best for all of them. And then move on.

You did the brave thing and you got your answer. You don't need to spend any time wondering or waiting on her. You're free to go find someone who does want what you have to offer. And they are out there. You just have to keep looking and putting yourself out there, just as you did before.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a very average guy when it comes to dating, I feel. I go out on dates with girls once in a awhile. I don’t have any issues with asking girls out, but at the same time I’m not a “player”. The question is: What do I do if I’m insecure about my girl’s career? Is there something to make it easier to get over?

I’ve been dating this girl for a while. I met her in a bar in where she was working as a go-go dancer. Her lifestyle of constant bars and clubs, along with getting hit on by various celebrities makes me insecure. In the past few years she has been on TV, including a stint was a model on some pretty awful shows on the former Spike TV network.  

I don’t stop her from doing anything, And I never pay for anything. But her lifestyle, and the fact that she makes more money then me makes me insecure. I find myself working that she’s going to decide she could do better or that some Hollywood celebrity will turn her head. How do I learn to get over this insecurity?

LIVING THE DREAM, LIVING THE NIGHTMARE

DEAR LIVING THE DREAM, LIVING THE NIGHTMARE: This is a classic case of the “The Chasing Cars Dilemma”. Lots of guys get crushes on women who are make money based on their looks, whether they’re go-go dancers, strippers, burlesque dancers, Twitch streamers, cam-girls, models or what-have you.

However, there’s having a crush on these women and then there’s the reality of dating them. Like a dog chasing cars, what the Hell do you do when you actually catch one?

If you’ll pardon what I freely admit is an awkward and problematic metaphor: Dating women in these careers is often like owning a high-end sports car. It’s great in theory, but the reality is very different. They make you feel cool and your friends will be jealous as hell, but actually owning the car may make you more stressed than you realize.

The same is true about dating people who are professionally sexy. The fantasy of the relationship is great, but the reality of it often involves issues that you never considered. You’re going to have to be pretty secure in both yourself and your relationship to make it work.

One thing you need to recognize is that jobs that require someone to work in the public eye - especially jobs that focus on someone’s appearance - tend to attracts a particular personality type. While exceptions will always exist, a lot of people who pursue these kinds of careers tend to be people who like being the center of attention. And, society being what it is, that often means male attention.

And with that attention comes people who are willing (and, often, able) to try to buy the model’s time and affection. Sometimes this comes in the form of people who’re willing to blow their get-a-life savings in cash tips or gifts. Other times it comes in the form of parties, networking and job opportunities. And if a person’s job on tips or the largesse of strangers, then being flirty and approachable is also part of the job.

That can be hard to deal with, especially if you’re prone to jealousy or insecurity.

So yes, it’s entirely understandable – reasonable, even – that you might feel a little insecure by the fact she’s rubbing elbows with celebrities. It’s entirely understandable why you’d feel like you can’t compete.

Here’s the thing to keep in mind: she’s chosen to be with YOU. You offer her something nobody else is giving her.

Yeah, there are plenty of folks who’ll tell you all kinds of crap about hypergamy or gold-diggers and how women evolved to look for the highest value provider or what-not.

It’s bullsh*t. Women don’t date people based on their bank statements or their resumes or their cars, they date PEOPLE. The fact that she’s dating you means that you have what she values. Whether it’s the way you make her laugh, the way that you see the real her, the way that you make her feel safe and secure or just how you can always make her smile, the point is that she’s with you for a reason.

You may not be one of the strangers buying her lavish presents or taking her to star-studded events, but you are the one who makes her feel special in the ways nobody else does. That’s no small thing.

But what about all her Hollywood suitors? How are you supposed to compete with them?

You don’t.

You don’t have their money, you don’t have their fame or their opportunities, so don’t try. Never play the game on someone else’s home turf; play it on yours, where YOU have the advantage. You know her. You know what she values. You know what she needs, and you know how to provide it.

Now I’ll be honest with you: this can be rough. You’ll be dealing with jealousy and the feeling that you don’t measure up. These are natural and understandable. And there are many ways to deal with them. Part of it is to work on yourself and become a better, more interesting and attractive person — the best, most refined version of you.

But the bigger part is to be a grown-ass adult about it and keep the lines of communication open. The more you and your girlfriend can be honest with one another, the more you two communicate and are able to reassure one another and keep the core of your connection vital and alive? The better you will do.

There will always be imbalances in every relationship; one of you will be more attractive than the other, one of you will make more money than the other. That’s life.

If she’s pulling in more money than you right now, then be happy for her because hey, that’s awesome. It’s great that she’s having success. Getting insecure about it or acting as though this somehow makes you less of a man — it doesn’t — is only going to hurt.

And who knows? You very well might find YOUR career taking off and it will bring you on par.

The best thing you can do here is relax and appreciate what you have. It can be tricky, but it CAN work. You just have to decide whether you have enough faith in your girlfriend and in your relationship to endure.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am not a good looking person by any stretch of the imagination, at least not in the conventional sense of beauty. The thing is, when I’m using dating apps like OKCupid, Plenty of Fish and Tinder, I can easily find women I’m attracted to, both by their pics and their self-description. The thing is, they don’t seem to be as interested in me as I am in them.

I will also be contacted by women who are attracted to me, but whom I don’t find attractive in return. How do I remedy my own physical attractions (as physical as you can get over the Interwebz) to girls who aren’t interested and girls who are interested? 

- Skin Deep

DEAR SKIN DEEP: Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, where Venn diagram of the people you’re into and the people who are into you can often be two separate circles with minimal overlap.

I’m going to level with you, Skin Deep: dating is often a numbers game, especially when it comes to dating apps. One of the benefits of dating apps is that we’re able to look for exactly what we want in a partner. Of course, this is also the drawback: it’s very easy to be so focused on what you think you want that you pass up on people who you might work with if you met them in person. OKCupid and Tinder are great, but we’re designed to pick up on thousands of little signals that indicate whether we’d find someone compatible or not, and you can’t get those from a dating app.

As a result, you’re going to go through a lot of no’s and people who seem great on paper but don’t work in person. You’re also going to end up missing people who aren’t perfect on paper, but that you might click with if you’d met under different circumstances.

You say that you’re not conventionally attractive; clearly you’re not unattractive, since you have women who’re trying to get together with you. But there’s more to attraction than looks; there are issues like shared interests or compatible lifestyles. The investment banker is going to have a hard time dating the club kid, no matter how hot they may find one another; there’re just too many differences in what they want from life.

Now when it comes to finding the right intersection of people who you want who also want you, there’re a few things that you can do. Part of it is to just lean into who you are. It’s good to be polarizing, instead of a broad people-pleaser.

As much as it’s a cliche, you really don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s far better to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. That is: you don’t want lots of people who only kind of like you, you want a small number of folks who REALLY want you. Spending some time working on presenting exactly who you are and what you have to offer and polishing it up to a bright sheen can help you find the people who’re going to crave what you’ve got.

You may also try a few things like changing up your profile and getting some professional pictures taken. Sometimes the problem is less how you look and more the way that you’re presenting yourself. Never underestimate how things like lighting and camera angles can completely change how somebody looks.

But at the same time, you may want to examine your attitudes towards the ones you are attracted to vs. the ones who come to you. If you’re refusing them out of some sense of “I deserve better”, you could be seriously screwing yourself out of opportunities that you don’t realize. Remember what I just said about how dating apps mean we may overlook people we’d dig under other circumstances? That applies here.

Now don’t get me wrong: if you’re not attracted to someone, you’re not attracted to someone and trying to force it isn’t going to work. But at the same time, if you’re hoping people are going to give you a chance, you need to be willing to do the same for them.

Some people don’t necessarily photograph well, or know how to be photogenic. Others may not be model-beautiful but are attractive anyway even if they don’t conform to the Instagram-famous version of beauty. They may have qualities that you’d crave in a partner, if you met them in person.

They may not be your ideal on paper, but they may work far better in person. If they seem like they might be cool, then roll the dice and gamble 30 minutes and a cup of coffee. Worst case scenario: you’re out 30 minutes of your time and $5 for a latte. Best case scenario: you might surprise yourself and realize that - as the sage said - you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that may pertain to broader issues of gender roles.

So I have a feeling that girls don’t like me because I’m too accommodating, which is seen as a “girly” thing. Basically I apologize for things too often. People seem to very aware that women are raised to apologize for things and not step on any toes, but it seems like I’m super screwed because people expect me to fall into the “man role” at all times and just be a dick and don’t worry about anything.

Yes, women are taught to be passive, but as a black kid raised in a white community, you have to be just as careful, or else people will blame you for everything. As a kid I was taught to make sure never to anger any teachers, or play with white girls, because they’re too fragile, or do anything except color in between the lines, and now I’ve lost the “manliness” that I was supposed to grow up with.

People seem to expect that a black man is going to just plow through life crotch first, but that’s not me. What exactly can I do? Just act more like a man? Girls seem to think I’m too “innocent” to date. Not that I’ve had much data to collect, only dated 3 girls across all four years of college, but none were interested to stay longer than a month, or have sex. I’m stuck between fighting bulls—t stereotypes and getting what I want.

Big Old Teddy Bear

DEAR BIG OLD TEDDY BEAR: I’m going to preface this by saying that I’m not coming at this from the same place you are. I’m a hetero, cis-gendered white guy. I’m not going to have to deal with a lot of the issues that you would as a black man, especially a black man in a white community. So it’s entirely understandable that you’ve had to grow up being extra deferential and incredibly aware of the possibility of people misconstruing otherwise innocent actions because of your race.

That having been said: there’s a difference between being “girly” (by which you seem to mean passive) and being a push-over, BOTB, which is likely how you’re coming across. This has nothing to do with how “manly” you are and everything to do with the fact that nobody likes a doormat.

But at the same time, you seem to be equating being a man and masculinity with acting like an a—-hole, and you’re setting yourself up with a false dichotomy. You’re not stuck between being an overly submissive wuss and a human bulldozer who plows over everybody else because screw ’em; you have far more choices about who you are and how you want to express yourself. The “man role” isn’t being raucous and pushy and an all around a—-hat, it’s about being a grown-ass adult who actually knows how to interact with society. Sometimes that means being willing to give and to go along to get along. Other times that means being straightforward about what you want without feeling as though you need to apologize for wanting it. Politeness isn’t weakness and being an entitled douchebag isn’t strength.

The problem you’re having with women is that you’re too “nice”. Not in the Nice Guy sense but in the sense that you’re passive and overly “sweet”; these aren’t going to be turn-ons to most people. Odds are that you don’t come across as someone sexual – you give the “friend” vibe, not the “lover” vibe and that’s why you come across “too innocent”. You have to be wiling to own the fact that you want to have sex and that it’s ok for you to want sex. The key is in how you express it. You can flirt and tease sexually without coming across as pushy, rude or boorish. You have to be willing to be more assertive and actually go for what you want instead of waiting for someone to meet you more than half-way.

This is why I like the way John Barrowman portrays Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood or Doctor Who; he’s aggressive without being pushy, sexual without being crass and above all else, respectful. You know exactly where you stand with Jack – he wants to bang and he wants to bang often… but at the same time, he doesn’t come off like the obnoxious guy in the club grinding up on any woman who holds still for longer than a few moments.

Take some time to get comfortable with being more assertive, especially with women you’re interested in. Learn how to express your interest and be up front about what you’re looking for. Learn how to integrate it with who you are, not some bulls—t marketed version of manhood, and you’ll find that you’ll have far fewer problems with women thinking you’re “too innocent” to date… but without having to pretend you’re somebody else entirely.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met Mr. Y around 5 years ago at a cosplay photo shoot gathering at a convention. We were both cosplayers. At first we only knew each other in a distant overlapping social circle way, but as we continued to meet up at the same cons over the years we discovered our interests were extremely similar (anime/sci-fi, cosplay, cons, geekdom all around) and that we have fun when we hang out together. Around 2 years ago we began talking more (online; we live far apart) and became very good friends.

I was extremely happy to have made such a great friend. And after I declared that we shared a great friendship, he asked me out in what seemed (to me) to be out of the blue. I turned him down gently citing my shock over not realizing he saw me as potential girlfriend, and over the fact I didn’t think of him as a potential boyfriend at the time. After that we went back to being friends without much of a hitch (at least on my end). 

Almost a year after the confession, I did start to think of him as a potential boyfriend, and we got together. We were both really happy. 

Only, now, the problem is he’s said “I love you” to me numerous times and started hinting things about the future. The behavior is alarming since we are both in our late twenties and I have had very minimal dating and sexual experience, whereas he has had none at all. When we were just friends he never struck me as a very romantic individual, but now it seems like a floodgate has opened. 

I’m afraid that, to him, it’s been 5 years with more than 1 year of being interested in me romantically, whereas for me it’s been barely been 2 months of thinking of him romantically. 

I still want to pursue something with Mr. Y, but I don’t like how attached he’s acting towards me already. He’ll say things such as; if you die, I follow you. Also, that I’m the only one for him. He’s told me that he was set on being ‘Forever Alone’ before I agreed to date him. It’s frustrating because I do really care about and love Mr. Y, but I’m not in love with him yet. And the constant proclamations of ‘together forever’ are souring the happiness I had when we first got together in a romantic sense.

How do I get the friend I fell for back? Because I’m not sure I like my new boyfriend.

 Sincerely,

Ms. X

DEAR Mrs. X: Here’s what’s going on: Mr. Y has had a nasty case of Oneitis over you for years. For a very long time, you’ve been his mythical One, the person who’s absolutely perfect for him. And to be perfectly blunt, actually managing to get into a relationship – of sorts – with you has only made things worse.

Y’see, actually getting what you want when you’ve got Oneitis is often the worst thing that could happen to somebody; because they’ve built up this fantasy relationship in their heads, they almost never know how to handle the real thing and inevitably come on way too strong. The only real treatment for Oneitis is time, maturity, and experience. Quite frankly, it doesn’t sound like Mr. Y has had any of the above. Plus, considering that the two of you have been together for about two months (I think; the way you’ve laid things out in your letter are a little confusing)… well, let’s be real here, not only are his declarations of eternal love premature, but they’re honestly kinda creepy.

I’m willing to give him a little slack here – he’s had no experience in relationships at all, so he hasn’t had to to deal with the realities of a relationship instead of the fantasies he’s built up in his head – but the fact of the matter is that his behavior is more than a little juvenile. You’re right: you’ve basically opened up the dam and he’s letting all these pent-up feelings come pouring out because he’s never gone through the learning experiences that most of us had much earlier that tell us that real relationships aren’t like in Moulin Rouge.

Of course, it doesn’t help that he’s apparently based his views of how relationships work on movies and anime; he’s being so overly demonstrative because he’s hoping that the depth and intensity of his feelings is going to cement your newfound attraction and turn it into a LOVE THAT WILL LAST THE AGES!!!!111!!@ONE

If he wants to make things work, he’s going to have to do some maturing very goddamn fast because quite frankly, he’s already pushing you away.

So what you need to do is use your words. You need to tell Mr. Y that the way he’s behaving is over the top and more than a little upsetting. Be specific; point out that his behavior has been upsetting you and remind him that part of what attracted you to him in the first place was the way he was before you were dating. By acting like a lovesick puppy, he’s actually making it difficult for you to enjoy being in the relationship with him at all. He’s putting an insane amount of pressure on you as both a friend and as a new relationship . Tell him you understand that he’s inexperienced at this, but he needs to slow his roll and dial everything way the hell back. You’ve been together for less than two months and you don’t even live in the same state; not only is his behavior inappropriate for the current stage of your relationship but if he were with anyone else he’d be out on his ass right now. He’s going to have to learn to act like a grown-ass man and if he can’t, it’s going to ruin things and you’re not going to actually be able to be in a relationship with him.

Hopefully he’ll take the hint and quit acting like he’s 16. If not… well, sometimes the only way he’s going to learn is to get his butt dumped a few times first.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)