DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that may pertain to broader issues of gender roles.

So I have a feeling that girls don’t like me because I’m too accommodating, which is seen as a “girly” thing. Basically I apologize for things too often. People seem to very aware that women are raised to apologize for things and not step on any toes, but it seems like I’m super screwed because people expect me to fall into the “man role” at all times and just be a dick and don’t worry about anything.

Yes, women are taught to be passive, but as a black kid raised in a white community, you have to be just as careful, or else people will blame you for everything. As a kid I was taught to make sure never to anger any teachers, or play with white girls, because they’re too fragile, or do anything except color in between the lines, and now I’ve lost the “manliness” that I was supposed to grow up with.

People seem to expect that a black man is going to just plow through life crotch first, but that’s not me. What exactly can I do? Just act more like a man? Girls seem to think I’m too “innocent” to date. Not that I’ve had much data to collect, only dated 3 girls across all four years of college, but none were interested to stay longer than a month, or have sex. I’m stuck between fighting bulls—t stereotypes and getting what I want.

Big Old Teddy Bear

DEAR BIG OLD TEDDY BEAR: I’m going to preface this by saying that I’m not coming at this from the same place you are. I’m a hetero, cis-gendered white guy. I’m not going to have to deal with a lot of the issues that you would as a black man, especially a black man in a white community. So it’s entirely understandable that you’ve had to grow up being extra deferential and incredibly aware of the possibility of people misconstruing otherwise innocent actions because of your race.

That having been said: there’s a difference between being “girly” (by which you seem to mean passive) and being a push-over, BOTB, which is likely how you’re coming across. This has nothing to do with how “manly” you are and everything to do with the fact that nobody likes a doormat.

But at the same time, you seem to be equating being a man and masculinity with acting like an a—-hole, and you’re setting yourself up with a false dichotomy. You’re not stuck between being an overly submissive wuss and a human bulldozer who plows over everybody else because screw ’em; you have far more choices about who you are and how you want to express yourself. The “man role” isn’t being raucous and pushy and an all around a—-hat, it’s about being a grown-ass adult who actually knows how to interact with society. Sometimes that means being willing to give and to go along to get along. Other times that means being straightforward about what you want without feeling as though you need to apologize for wanting it. Politeness isn’t weakness and being an entitled douchebag isn’t strength.

The problem you’re having with women is that you’re too “nice”. Not in the Nice Guy sense but in the sense that you’re passive and overly “sweet”; these aren’t going to be turn-ons to most people. Odds are that you don’t come across as someone sexual – you give the “friend” vibe, not the “lover” vibe and that’s why you come across “too innocent”. You have to be wiling to own the fact that you want to have sex and that it’s ok for you to want sex. The key is in how you express it. You can flirt and tease sexually without coming across as pushy, rude or boorish. You have to be willing to be more assertive and actually go for what you want instead of waiting for someone to meet you more than half-way.

This is why I like the way John Barrowman portrays Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood or Doctor Who; he’s aggressive without being pushy, sexual without being crass and above all else, respectful. You know exactly where you stand with Jack – he wants to bang and he wants to bang often… but at the same time, he doesn’t come off like the obnoxious guy in the club grinding up on any woman who holds still for longer than a few moments.

Take some time to get comfortable with being more assertive, especially with women you’re interested in. Learn how to express your interest and be up front about what you’re looking for. Learn how to integrate it with who you are, not some bulls—t marketed version of manhood, and you’ll find that you’ll have far fewer problems with women thinking you’re “too innocent” to date… but without having to pretend you’re somebody else entirely.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met Mr. Y around 5 years ago at a cosplay photo shoot gathering at a convention. We were both cosplayers. At first we only knew each other in a distant overlapping social circle way, but as we continued to meet up at the same cons over the years we discovered our interests were extremely similar (anime/sci-fi, cosplay, cons, geekdom all around) and that we have fun when we hang out together. Around 2 years ago we began talking more (online; we live far apart) and became very good friends.

I was extremely happy to have made such a great friend. And after I declared that we shared a great friendship, he asked me out in what seemed (to me) to be out of the blue. I turned him down gently citing my shock over not realizing he saw me as potential girlfriend, and over the fact I didn’t think of him as a potential boyfriend at the time. After that we went back to being friends without much of a hitch (at least on my end). 

Almost a year after the confession, I did start to think of him as a potential boyfriend, and we got together. We were both really happy. 

Only, now, the problem is he’s said “I love you” to me numerous times and started hinting things about the future. The behavior is alarming since we are both in our late twenties and I have had very minimal dating and sexual experience, whereas he has had none at all. When we were just friends he never struck me as a very romantic individual, but now it seems like a floodgate has opened. 

I’m afraid that, to him, it’s been 5 years with more than 1 year of being interested in me romantically, whereas for me it’s been barely been 2 months of thinking of him romantically. 

I still want to pursue something with Mr. Y, but I don’t like how attached he’s acting towards me already. He’ll say things such as; if you die, I follow you. Also, that I’m the only one for him. He’s told me that he was set on being ‘Forever Alone’ before I agreed to date him. It’s frustrating because I do really care about and love Mr. Y, but I’m not in love with him yet. And the constant proclamations of ‘together forever’ are souring the happiness I had when we first got together in a romantic sense.

How do I get the friend I fell for back? Because I’m not sure I like my new boyfriend.

 Sincerely,

Ms. X

DEAR Mrs. X: Here’s what’s going on: Mr. Y has had a nasty case of Oneitis over you for years. For a very long time, you’ve been his mythical One, the person who’s absolutely perfect for him. And to be perfectly blunt, actually managing to get into a relationship – of sorts – with you has only made things worse.

Y’see, actually getting what you want when you’ve got Oneitis is often the worst thing that could happen to somebody; because they’ve built up this fantasy relationship in their heads, they almost never know how to handle the real thing and inevitably come on way too strong. The only real treatment for Oneitis is time, maturity, and experience. Quite frankly, it doesn’t sound like Mr. Y has had any of the above. Plus, considering that the two of you have been together for about two months (I think; the way you’ve laid things out in your letter are a little confusing)… well, let’s be real here, not only are his declarations of eternal love premature, but they’re honestly kinda creepy.

I’m willing to give him a little slack here – he’s had no experience in relationships at all, so he hasn’t had to to deal with the realities of a relationship instead of the fantasies he’s built up in his head – but the fact of the matter is that his behavior is more than a little juvenile. You’re right: you’ve basically opened up the dam and he’s letting all these pent-up feelings come pouring out because he’s never gone through the learning experiences that most of us had much earlier that tell us that real relationships aren’t like in Moulin Rouge.

Of course, it doesn’t help that he’s apparently based his views of how relationships work on movies and anime; he’s being so overly demonstrative because he’s hoping that the depth and intensity of his feelings is going to cement your newfound attraction and turn it into a LOVE THAT WILL LAST THE AGES!!!!111!!@ONE

If he wants to make things work, he’s going to have to do some maturing very goddamn fast because quite frankly, he’s already pushing you away.

So what you need to do is use your words. You need to tell Mr. Y that the way he’s behaving is over the top and more than a little upsetting. Be specific; point out that his behavior has been upsetting you and remind him that part of what attracted you to him in the first place was the way he was before you were dating. By acting like a lovesick puppy, he’s actually making it difficult for you to enjoy being in the relationship with him at all. He’s putting an insane amount of pressure on you as both a friend and as a new relationship . Tell him you understand that he’s inexperienced at this, but he needs to slow his roll and dial everything way the hell back. You’ve been together for less than two months and you don’t even live in the same state; not only is his behavior inappropriate for the current stage of your relationship but if he were with anyone else he’d be out on his ass right now. He’s going to have to learn to act like a grown-ass man and if he can’t, it’s going to ruin things and you’re not going to actually be able to be in a relationship with him.

Hopefully he’ll take the hint and quit acting like he’s 16. If not… well, sometimes the only way he’s going to learn is to get his butt dumped a few times first.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I got married recently to my husband (whom I’ve known for two years), but I cannot tell him a dark shameful secret from ten years ago when I was a college student. None of my friends know my biggest mistake and regret, there is no one to talk to.

I was an immature and impulsive girl back then, who had a fascination with the porn industry. I took part in four hardcore solo photo and video shoots for a large porn website which is still running today. A Google search can easily return the photographs. They were NOT classy Suicide Girl images… they were degrading and shameful.

Telling my husband is not an option as he is traditional and would be irrevocably hurt. I am aware that I should have told him at the start of our relationship, but sadly that time has passed.

I fear that one of his friends or colleagues will accidentally recognize my photos online and tell him. It gives me a sinking black hole in the pit of my stomach, but I don’t think there is anything I can do. I asked the site owner but he will not delete them.

Should I just go on with life and hope that the worst will never happen? I do not want to tell him unnecessarily if he will never find out. Perhaps it is inevitable that my past will catch up.

I am now also a senior teacher and would accept the consequences of losing my job, but could not bear to lose the trust and respect of my husband.

Thank you for your time,

Ticking Time Bomb

DEAR TICKING TIME BOMB: This is one of those questions where the problem you have shouldn’t be a problem. We live in a profoundly sex-negative society that has a massive double-standard about the sex other people have for our enjoyment. Porn may be the driving force for technology and the Internet and something that almost literally everybody uses… but we’re damned quick to condemn and shame the people who take part in it. It’s slut-shame-y b——-—t that powers hacks like The Fappening and revenge porn sites. We all have a porn studio on our person at all times with modern smartphones and we’re rapidly reaching the point where almost everyone has nude photos of themselves. Erotic performance – whether it’s taking nude photos or videos for the enjoyment of you and your partner or for a mass audience – has become part of how we interact with one another sexually.

The fact of the matter is that what you did isn’t shameful and the fact that society treats sex-work the way it does is an indicator that society is wrong. While I’m totally behind your wishing that you hadn’t done the shoots – or possibly that you’d done them differently – I would say that you shouldn’t look at as something shameful. A poor decision? Possibly. Something to be shamed FOR? Oh hell no.

(There are entire questions about what’s degrading when it comes to sexual performance and whether it’s degrading to the performer or the audience that are considerably more complicated than I can get into in a daily advice column. That being said: if you weren’t hurting other people, then I’m of the opinion that a performance isn’t inherently degrading and channelling your inner Emma Frost can flip the script on people who’d shame you for doing the things they jerked off to…)

Now the fact that society is wrong and it’s society that should be ashamed of the way it treats people who perform in porn doesn’t help you in the here and now. It’s messed up, but we have to deal with the world as it currently exists and not as it should be.

Your situation sucks, TTB because other people suck. So what can you do about it?

Well, as much as I hate to say it, you’re going to have to do is just accept that the images are out there. Because you were taking part in a shoot for someone else – rather than hiring a photographer yourself – you don’t really have much of a legal leg to stand on. You’re not the copyright holder, which means that you don’t really have legal ownership. The copyright holder could, in theory, ask for them to be taken down but that doesn’t mean the site owner would agree to do so. Plus, once something hits the Internet, you (unfortunately) have to accept that it’s out there. Getting porn off the net is like trying to get pee

out of a pool.

But that doesn’t mean that things are hopeless. Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you didn’t perform under your real name or that the photos or images don’t show up on a cursory Google search for you, specifically. That gives you a certain amount of anonymity and cover. You did these shoots a decade ago, which is a geological epoch in both Internet and porn time. Seriously: ask a random sampling of people if they know who Savannah was. Odds are that you might get 1 in 40 people who remember her without going to Wikipedia. It’s pretty much impossible to estimate how much porn has been shot and uploaded to the net in general and to that site in particular, especially if it’s large and active. Yeah, the archives may exist but most people aren’t going to go that far back in looking for spank material unless they’re especially looking for it. So just as the best way to hide a leaf is in a forest, the chances of someone accidentally stumbling across your videos is pretty damn remote. It’s not impossible – people get hit by meteorites and win the lottery, after all – but the odds are more in your favor than against you. I think you could just shove this down the memory hole and trust to luck being on your side.

But that chance DOES exist, so it’s worth gaming out what you want to do about it. Think of it as having a contingency plan in place, like planning for a disaster that may never actually come. Part of what gives you that big black hole is the feeling of being powerless. While there’s a lot to be said for letting go and letting God (or the Doctor or Aslan or whatever), doing something that gives you the feeling of control can make a huge difference. Having a plan for dealing with things like the consequences to your job and a script on hand about what to say if you get outed can give you some of that control back.

Or you may prefer to take things in your own hands and just tell your husband now. In a lot of cases, the anticipation can be far worse than the actuality of it. If the anxiety of being outed is burning a hole in the pit of your stomach, it may be worth considering getting out in front of things now, before someone else finds them and comes to him with it. Telling your husband now can be difficult and awkward as all hell, but I suspect he’d have a better response to hearing about it from you than if someone he knows brings it up.

If you do bring it up to him, then I suggest you do it as straightforward and unapologetic as you can – that it was something you did when you were younger and less mature, and while you wouldn’t do it now, it’s part of your past. The last thing I would suggest is apologizing or treating it like it’s shameful. It’s part of what made you who you are today – the woman that he loves and who loves him. It has nothing to do with his trust in you – you did this long before you ever met him.

If it causes him to lose respect for you… well as much as it may hurt now, that may be a sign that this isn’t someone who was right for you. Especially since I’m willing to bet that he, like 99.999% of the population, watches porn himself. And let’s not forget: if his friends find it and bring it to him, then what does that say about them that they were looking for that material? The audience is what creates the market for the material in the first place after all…

As I’m always saying: let he who has two free hands cast the first stone.

Now, with this being said, let’s not discount the possibility that your husband may well surprise you. It could very well be that he won’t take this in stride per say, but not have the apocalyptic response you expect. He may be surprised, even hurt. He may react badly off the bat because society has ingrained a lot of sex-negative crap in all of us and that sort of social programming can be a sort of reflexive response… but given a bit of time to have his reaction and calm down, he may well be more accepting than you expect.

But as I said: the thing to remember is that while other people may try to shame you, you didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. You’d make different choices now, sure, but that means you’ve learned and grown from this and it’s made you who you are today. Remember that. And don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hey Doc, there are so many questions I could ask you. I’ve decided to instead focus on the single biggest issue I struggle with and hope that, from there, all my smaller issues sort themselves out… How do I stay positive?? I’m almost 24 and a recent college graduate. I have a good job doing something I enjoy. The pay and benefits are nice as well. I have a loving family and a handful of close friends (although very few remain in the same town as me.) I’m actually quite decent looking and girls tell me I’m a lot sweeter than most guys are. The point is, on paper, I know I’m very fortunate.

I’ve also suffered from depression since I was 18 and I’ve been more miserable than ever since graduating college and moving back to my hometown. Day in and day out I go to work and instantly back home. I use Tinder and Bumble every day but have so far only once navigated the “talking phase” and progressed to a first date. I’ve tried attending local group meet ups based on common interests, but have determined that I’m too introverted for group events (yes, even the nerdy group events for those into writing/illustrating comic books.) I never had much of a life in school yet now I absolutely feel like my life is ending. I’ve gone almost the entire year without interacting with anyone my own age, and the revelation that I’m wasting my youth is starting to sink in. My ex-girlfriend who I occasionally still text on a platonic friend level recently told me that I’m “not very good at living in the moment” and that I’m “gonna have the worst midlife crisis ever lol.”

Lol indeed. I still live at home to save money and because I know I’d be even more lonely on my own. Both my parents have jobs in finance, and therefore have a much deeper knowledge of my own bills, bank accounts, and insurance than I do. I’d love to talk to a therapist (and should you reply to this email you may very well suggest that I see one) but as far as I’m concerned that is COMPLETELY out of the question. I’m still on my parents’ health insurance plan (Thanks Obama) and I refuse to seek any kind of help that might inadvertently alert them to my issues. In 6 years of depression the only half-assed attempt I’ve made at seeking help was through purchasing those non-prescription organic mood booster pills they sale at Whole Foods. Pathetic, I know.

One of my best friends who is almost the complete opposite of me personality wise (frat star in college and fitness fanatic, among other bold traits) always tells me that the key to appealing to women is to go through life “as if you’re throwing your own party, and girls you like have the pleasure to be invited. If they don’t want to go, who cares? It’s their loss because your party is AWESOME.” To me, this seems in line with your usual advice about confidence and exuding a fun personality. Trouble is, I have neither. Sure I’ve gotten better at faking it, which has admittedly helped me to begin more conversations with girls online, but I always eventually run into the same problem: I feel like an imposter. I have this naive notion that as a girl and I grow closer it is only right that I reveal more of my authentic self to her. This includes but is not limited to my depression, my inexperience and virginity, my social anxiety, and my negative body image. Obviously I have sense enough not to dump these on people all at once as I just did you, but even my most measured and cool explanations, over time, cause women to lose interest in me. Personally I don’t understand why. Everyone finds flawed characters to be the most compelling in art and history, but in real life it feels like I’ll be forever alone just because I don’t have the looks and, perhaps more importantly, the charm of Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

So Doc, how does one in my position maintain a positive outlook? How can I meet people (preferably girls) and lead a less lonely life? Is my quarter-life crisis a more common thing than people like to admit, and if so how do I deal with it? Where can I find helpful resources/therapy for dealing with depression? Are there any that don’t include complex payments and insurance company BS? I know you’re not a real doctor but what are my options for over the counter anti-depressants? Thanks!!!

Eeyore Is My Patronus

DEAR EEYORE IS MY PATRONUS:This part of your letter leapt out at me, EIMP: “I’d love to talk to a therapist (and should you reply to this email you may very well suggest that I see one) but as far as I’m concerned that is COMPLETELY out of the question.”

Let me ask you something: if you broke your arm, would you go to the doctor? Or would you assume that it’s shameful to have to admit you need professional help and just stick to downing Advil by the handful?

Mental health is serious. It’s not illusory or less real because it’s in your head. It’s not shameful to be dealing with depression, even if your life is great on paper. What you’re feeling is real, and the sort of thing that actual doctors and counselors and therapists are trained to help you with. You aren’t going to get better just by trying to will it or white-knuckle through it. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help; in fact, more often than not, it takes real strength to do so. You need someone with the education and experience to guide you through this, who can help find the treatment and therapies that are right for you. Sometimes it’s cognitive behavioral therapy. Sometimes someone to talk to. And sometimes you need medication.

And as someone who’s dealt with chronic depression, I can tell you from experience: getting on the right antidepressants can change your entire damn life.

So I would suggest you get past the fear of your parents’ discovery that you’re in pain. But if you can’t, there are many cheap, or even free options for getting mental health care out there, ranging from self-directed CBT sites like MoodGym to apps like TalkSpace. But if you’re dealing with depression, then you may well need to talk to a medical professional, especially if you need an antidepressant.

Seriously: depression isn’t just “the blues” and issues like these don’t fix themselves. Don’t be ashamed of needing help. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak or defective. It just means that sometimes you can’t do it all on your own. Just like all of the rest of us.

Talk to a counselor. Talk to a therapist. Talk to your parish priest. But get the help you need. And write back so we know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 35 years old man who recently broke up with his girlfriend for 3 years, because I couldn’t handle the fact that she has had several lovers before me and I was an inexperienced virgin. I keep comparing us on that and I feel awful.

My life is severely messed up due to family problems and as a result I have always been alone, feeling disappointed and with low self-esteem. I abstained from coming close to women. I met her through common friends.

She really loves me and I know I would have stayed with her, if it wasn’t for my constant urge to meet and have sex with other girls as I have never done before and “bridge the experience gap”. I never cheated on her and neither did she have a problem with me being inexperienced.

I feel I have lost my one and only precious love with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life. How can I proceed, feel good with myself and come back to her after all? I know from her own words that for the time being she is still there for me, showing her true love. Can I make it or do I have to cope with her loss to truly find myself and “grow up”, finding love with a new mate?

The thoughts that I am old, I don’t have many chances to settle down and that there will always be an abyss of experience separating me from the girls around my age buzz in my head and drive me mad.

Thank you very much in advance!

Virgin In The Wild

DEAR VIRGIN IN THE WILD: I get letters like yours all the time, VitW. Every time it’s someone who feels like there’s a window closing and that if they don’t somehow make up for their utter lack of experience, they’re doomed to never date, ever. When they do find someone, they then get anxious over the difference in numbers; they feel as though that their lack of experience means that either they are “missing out” somehow or that they need to balance out the scales so that they’re more equal with their partner, somehow.

Not that anyone can explain what equality is supposed to bring, exactly.

Here’s a truth: your experience – or lack thereof – isn’t the problem. Your problem is the importance you’re putting on it. The number of partners you’ve had is ultimately meaningless; it doesn’t mean anything other than “you slept with X many people”. It doesn’t automatically mean that you’re a more desirable person; people have sex for reasons that have nothing to do with the person they’re banging. It doesn’t mean that you’re a better lover; people can have lots of one-night stands because they’re selfish dicks who never get a return engagement. It doesn’t mean that you did anything right or wrong or anything else.

Here’s another truth: there is no amount of sex that’s going to be “enough”. When you’re trying to derive your value through how many people you’ve slept with – especially when it’s in comparison with how many people your partner has slept with – then all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to (maybe) rack up notches on your bedpost and still feel empty and unfulfilled. You’ll be trying to fill a bottomless hole with sex and wondering why you never feel any better about it.

The “experience gap” you’re worried about isn’t relevant. If someone is going to judge you based on how many people you have or haven’t slept with, then they are someone you don’t want to be in a relationship with. Someone who’s right for you is someone who accepts the number of partners you’ve had – whether it’s 0, 1 or 100 – as just part of who you are. There will always be people who’ve had more sex than you; that’s ultimately a null value set because it has nothing to do with you.

Being with someone who’s had more sex than you doesn’t mean that they’re judging you and thinking “man if only I had someone who actually had more than me.” It means that they have chosen you. You can either trust your partner and accept that they’re telling you the truth when they tell you that they want to be with you… or you move on.

And you, VitW, can’t seem to accept someone at their word.

Now it’s time for the Chair Leg of Truth: right now, you can’t go back to your ex. I’m sorry, but doing that is just going to destroy any chances you have of actually making that relationship work. One of the things I always tell people who want to know whether they should get back with their ex is that if you haven’t resolved the reasons why you broke up in the first place, you’re just going to replay your break up the second time around. Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a whole lot worse. And you, VitW, have yet to deal with what broke you up.

You don’t need a loudmouth with a blog, my dude. You need a therapist. You need to find someone who can help you pick apart these issues and give you the tools to get your head on right. Until you do that, trying to rekindle your relationship with your ex is just going to cause more pain. If you don’t know where to find a therapist in your area, then you may want to start with the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists and find someone to your area.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting, my dude. But you need to address that pain before you try to date again. It’s the only way things are going to get better.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m having issues with my love life. As much as I want to, I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me that’s holding me back. When I was younger it was a competition between my mates on who could get more numbers/hookups/dates. So… I put a lot of time and effort into it… And have had a fair few long term relationships (OK not really, the longest was 3 months), but so many hookups and flings. I would like to see them again or more but we make out/do stuff/have sex for a week.. Two weeks and then it fizzles out for some reason.

I do the swipe right on everyone on tinder so I have 767 matches… Don’t get replies all the time I guess a lot of the girls I talk too don’t take it all that seriously. Erm.. Had a really good “copy pasta” message for OkCupid and Plenty of Fish, anyway that’s besides the point. Over the past 6 years that I graduated high school I’ve gone on something like over 1000 dates (yes I realize that sounds partly vain/sad/unbelievable and believe me I wish it weren’t the case). 

SOMETHING ALWAYS GOES WRONG!! Of the last 3 girls I was talking too, I’m mates with one of their exes, one blew off our date and stopped replying (happens fairly often) and I err kind of got irritated and blocked one because I thought she was leading me on (She wasn’t. I’m not prone to this kind of behavior but it does happen every once in awhile, was much more common when I was younger).

I dunno what I’m doing wrong, mate. I’ve always had really low self esteem and thought I was ugly. It doesn’t make sense because I model for a living? (Like fitness/fashion/pageant); I don’t have 6 pack abs… But I’m reasonably fit I think. 

I have a physical disability, and I think it also contributes to my self esteem issues and depression and anxiety issues. I just really identified with what you said; thinking “I have chemistry with everyone who gives me a chance” and the mindset of thinking “women have all the advantages in the dating field”. 

I also seem to have issues with narcissism and ego problems. It’s hard to explain; like I used to get super butthurt when women didn’t reply on fb messenger or something silly like that. I don’t anymore because I’ve seen my exes inboxes and how many nonsense messages something could get lost in or whatever.

Could my attitude towards women be bleeding into my interactions with them?

Rational and obvious thought says nobody is owed sex and you are not entitled to dating someone, or their time. Nor is it a “needed” component of life. I just find myself super lonely without it, wondering and being jealous of all my friends who are in long term relationships.. 

And I find myself feeling like I’m singled out and victimized, even though that’s completely out of left field. I mean it’d have to be one massive conspiracy to specifically target me out of everyone else in the world so that’s totally silly, but yet it’s how I feel.

I’m just tired of being alone. I don’t want to take the stupid red pill anymore or have angry poisonous beliefs about women or “alphas and betas”; yet all I can think about is “I’m ugly, and the good looking guys are the one’s who have all the luck. Stupid douchebags with 6 pack abs! Rawr Anger! Stupid women for wanting to go out with attractive men!”

That was a heavily over dramatic version buuuuut.. I think you can understand the gist of what I feel? 

I don’t want to end up alone. Maybe I should get a kitten or something?

– Guy who thinks he’s ugly but is probably just woefully average

DEAR GUY:Um, my dude, I think you need to look back over what you just wrote to me. You mention feeling as though that having a physical handicap gives you a disadvantage and that you’re unattractive in one paragraph, and in the other mention that you’ve had multiple hook-ups, flings and literally hundreds of matches on Tinder.

And then we’re back to the idea that you’re beta and ugly.

To quote the sage: “You keep using that word. I do no think it means what you think it means.”

So straight talk: yes, your attitude is bleeding out into your interactions with women. However you may feel about your looks, you clearly have enough going on that you’re able to get that initial interest, even dates and hook-ups. But the reason you can’t keep them is because, frankly, you’re a hot mess and women can tell.

You’ve got a real gumbo of issues here, dude. Let’s start with “SOMETHING ALWAYS GOES WRONG.” Of the examples you’ve given, one of them is just basic bad luck. Hey, you’ve got a friend in common and she’s decided that means she can’t date you. That sucks but hey, sh-t happens, wear a hat. You can’t control for bad luck, you can only roll with it and try agian.

The other two are, frankly, your fault. Yeah, some women will just up and ghost a dude and it blows, but if it’s happening to you frequently, then you need to take a moment to stop and do some serious examination about what all those experiences have in common. And frankly, the biggest common denominator those interactions have is… you. You’re dripping a lot of bitterness and entitlement here, man, and that’s in a letter to me. Trust me when I tell you, you are not hiding that from the women you’re talking to. Women are going to pick up on your attitude and decide they’d really rather just cut off communication and get back in the dating pool instead of dealing with you.

Now don’t get me wrong here: I get that you’re frustrated. I totally understand. Back in my bad old days, I was single more often than not and bitter with it. And trust me, that bitterness really drove people away. It’s not just being Eeyore, it’s being the dude who says “yeah I know, I’m ugly and also f

k you for dating someone else”. That alone is going to push people away. But then there’s also the way you’ve described your interactions with people. Getting pissy with someone because you suspect they’re leading them on? That’s not cool. Neither is treating dating as “I want to fit someone into the hole marked ‘girlfriend’ and I don’t care who.” People in relationships want to feel special and desired because they’re them and you want them specifically. If you’re making them feel as though their primary value to you is a warm body, they’re gonna NEXT you so hard your head will spin. Having competitions with your buds about who could get more hook-ups is part and parcel of the whole problem; it dehumanizes women to just being points in a screwed up contest. Yeah, I did that shit too back when I was a PUA; it was gross when I was doing it and it was gross when you were doing it. No woman out there, even those who dig no-strings sex with Johnny Rando, appreciates feeling like they’re an interchangeable cog.

Like Virgin In the Wild up there, you’ve got an attitude problem and a validation problem, not an issue with your looks. You’re trying to use women as proof that you’re not “ugly” or undesirable or what-not and that’s simply never going to work. That’s the bad news.

The good news is, like VitW, you’re recognizing that this is a screweded up situation and you need to change. That’s an important first step, man; you really can’t fix a problem until you recognize that you have a problem. And – more importantly – you’re picking up on the right problem that you need to fix. A lot of people never even get that far.

No amount of external evidence – up to and including that apparently you work AS A MODEL – is going to shut up that voice in your head if you’re relying solely on external validation for your sense of value. You need to learn to find your own value if you want to quit feeling like you don’t measure up to whatever unbelievable standard you seem to have given yourself. And much like I told VitW, the best thing you can do right now is talk to a therapist; working with a mental health professional will go a long way towards unpacking these issues and helping you move towards a more equitable relationship with a person instead of a cardboard cutout with “girlfriend” scrawled across it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)