DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I got married recently to my husband (whom I’ve known for two years), but I cannot tell him a dark shameful secret from ten years ago when I was a college student. None of my friends know my biggest mistake and regret, there is no one to talk to.

I was an immature and impulsive girl back then, who had a fascination with the porn industry. I took part in four hardcore solo photo and video shoots for a large porn website which is still running today. A Google search can easily return the photographs. They were NOT classy Suicide Girl images… they were degrading and shameful.

Telling my husband is not an option as he is traditional and would be irrevocably hurt. I am aware that I should have told him at the start of our relationship, but sadly that time has passed.

I fear that one of his friends or colleagues will accidentally recognize my photos online and tell him. It gives me a sinking black hole in the pit of my stomach, but I don’t think there is anything I can do. I asked the site owner but he will not delete them.

Should I just go on with life and hope that the worst will never happen? I do not want to tell him unnecessarily if he will never find out. Perhaps it is inevitable that my past will catch up.

I am now also a senior teacher and would accept the consequences of losing my job, but could not bear to lose the trust and respect of my husband.

Thank you for your time,

Ticking Time Bomb

DEAR TICKING TIME BOMB: This is one of those questions where the problem you have shouldn’t be a problem. We live in a profoundly sex-negative society that has a massive double-standard about the sex other people have for our enjoyment. Porn may be the driving force for technology and the Internet and something that almost literally everybody uses… but we’re damned quick to condemn and shame the people who take part in it. It’s slut-shame-y b——-—t that powers hacks like The Fappening and revenge porn sites. We all have a porn studio on our person at all times with modern smartphones and we’re rapidly reaching the point where almost everyone has nude photos of themselves. Erotic performance – whether it’s taking nude photos or videos for the enjoyment of you and your partner or for a mass audience – has become part of how we interact with one another sexually.

The fact of the matter is that what you did isn’t shameful and the fact that society treats sex-work the way it does is an indicator that society is wrong. While I’m totally behind your wishing that you hadn’t done the shoots – or possibly that you’d done them differently – I would say that you shouldn’t look at as something shameful. A poor decision? Possibly. Something to be shamed FOR? Oh hell no.

(There are entire questions about what’s degrading when it comes to sexual performance and whether it’s degrading to the performer or the audience that are considerably more complicated than I can get into in a daily advice column. That being said: if you weren’t hurting other people, then I’m of the opinion that a performance isn’t inherently degrading and channelling your inner Emma Frost can flip the script on people who’d shame you for doing the things they jerked off to…)

Now the fact that society is wrong and it’s society that should be ashamed of the way it treats people who perform in porn doesn’t help you in the here and now. It’s messed up, but we have to deal with the world as it currently exists and not as it should be.

Your situation sucks, TTB because other people suck. So what can you do about it?

Well, as much as I hate to say it, you’re going to have to do is just accept that the images are out there. Because you were taking part in a shoot for someone else – rather than hiring a photographer yourself – you don’t really have much of a legal leg to stand on. You’re not the copyright holder, which means that you don’t really have legal ownership. The copyright holder could, in theory, ask for them to be taken down but that doesn’t mean the site owner would agree to do so. Plus, once something hits the Internet, you (unfortunately) have to accept that it’s out there. Getting porn off the net is like trying to get pee

out of a pool.

But that doesn’t mean that things are hopeless. Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you didn’t perform under your real name or that the photos or images don’t show up on a cursory Google search for you, specifically. That gives you a certain amount of anonymity and cover. You did these shoots a decade ago, which is a geological epoch in both Internet and porn time. Seriously: ask a random sampling of people if they know who Savannah was. Odds are that you might get 1 in 40 people who remember her without going to Wikipedia. It’s pretty much impossible to estimate how much porn has been shot and uploaded to the net in general and to that site in particular, especially if it’s large and active. Yeah, the archives may exist but most people aren’t going to go that far back in looking for spank material unless they’re especially looking for it. So just as the best way to hide a leaf is in a forest, the chances of someone accidentally stumbling across your videos is pretty damn remote. It’s not impossible – people get hit by meteorites and win the lottery, after all – but the odds are more in your favor than against you. I think you could just shove this down the memory hole and trust to luck being on your side.

But that chance DOES exist, so it’s worth gaming out what you want to do about it. Think of it as having a contingency plan in place, like planning for a disaster that may never actually come. Part of what gives you that big black hole is the feeling of being powerless. While there’s a lot to be said for letting go and letting God (or the Doctor or Aslan or whatever), doing something that gives you the feeling of control can make a huge difference. Having a plan for dealing with things like the consequences to your job and a script on hand about what to say if you get outed can give you some of that control back.

Or you may prefer to take things in your own hands and just tell your husband now. In a lot of cases, the anticipation can be far worse than the actuality of it. If the anxiety of being outed is burning a hole in the pit of your stomach, it may be worth considering getting out in front of things now, before someone else finds them and comes to him with it. Telling your husband now can be difficult and awkward as all hell, but I suspect he’d have a better response to hearing about it from you than if someone he knows brings it up.

If you do bring it up to him, then I suggest you do it as straightforward and unapologetic as you can – that it was something you did when you were younger and less mature, and while you wouldn’t do it now, it’s part of your past. The last thing I would suggest is apologizing or treating it like it’s shameful. It’s part of what made you who you are today – the woman that he loves and who loves him. It has nothing to do with his trust in you – you did this long before you ever met him.

If it causes him to lose respect for you… well as much as it may hurt now, that may be a sign that this isn’t someone who was right for you. Especially since I’m willing to bet that he, like 99.999% of the population, watches porn himself. And let’s not forget: if his friends find it and bring it to him, then what does that say about them that they were looking for that material? The audience is what creates the market for the material in the first place after all…

As I’m always saying: let he who has two free hands cast the first stone.

Now, with this being said, let’s not discount the possibility that your husband may well surprise you. It could very well be that he won’t take this in stride per say, but not have the apocalyptic response you expect. He may be surprised, even hurt. He may react badly off the bat because society has ingrained a lot of sex-negative crap in all of us and that sort of social programming can be a sort of reflexive response… but given a bit of time to have his reaction and calm down, he may well be more accepting than you expect.

But as I said: the thing to remember is that while other people may try to shame you, you didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. You’d make different choices now, sure, but that means you’ve learned and grown from this and it’s made you who you are today. Remember that. And don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hey Doc, there are so many questions I could ask you. I’ve decided to instead focus on the single biggest issue I struggle with and hope that, from there, all my smaller issues sort themselves out… How do I stay positive?? I’m almost 24 and a recent college graduate. I have a good job doing something I enjoy. The pay and benefits are nice as well. I have a loving family and a handful of close friends (although very few remain in the same town as me.) I’m actually quite decent looking and girls tell me I’m a lot sweeter than most guys are. The point is, on paper, I know I’m very fortunate.

I’ve also suffered from depression since I was 18 and I’ve been more miserable than ever since graduating college and moving back to my hometown. Day in and day out I go to work and instantly back home. I use Tinder and Bumble every day but have so far only once navigated the “talking phase” and progressed to a first date. I’ve tried attending local group meet ups based on common interests, but have determined that I’m too introverted for group events (yes, even the nerdy group events for those into writing/illustrating comic books.) I never had much of a life in school yet now I absolutely feel like my life is ending. I’ve gone almost the entire year without interacting with anyone my own age, and the revelation that I’m wasting my youth is starting to sink in. My ex-girlfriend who I occasionally still text on a platonic friend level recently told me that I’m “not very good at living in the moment” and that I’m “gonna have the worst midlife crisis ever lol.”

Lol indeed. I still live at home to save money and because I know I’d be even more lonely on my own. Both my parents have jobs in finance, and therefore have a much deeper knowledge of my own bills, bank accounts, and insurance than I do. I’d love to talk to a therapist (and should you reply to this email you may very well suggest that I see one) but as far as I’m concerned that is COMPLETELY out of the question. I’m still on my parents’ health insurance plan (Thanks Obama) and I refuse to seek any kind of help that might inadvertently alert them to my issues. In 6 years of depression the only half-assed attempt I’ve made at seeking help was through purchasing those non-prescription organic mood booster pills they sale at Whole Foods. Pathetic, I know.

One of my best friends who is almost the complete opposite of me personality wise (frat star in college and fitness fanatic, among other bold traits) always tells me that the key to appealing to women is to go through life “as if you’re throwing your own party, and girls you like have the pleasure to be invited. If they don’t want to go, who cares? It’s their loss because your party is AWESOME.” To me, this seems in line with your usual advice about confidence and exuding a fun personality. Trouble is, I have neither. Sure I’ve gotten better at faking it, which has admittedly helped me to begin more conversations with girls online, but I always eventually run into the same problem: I feel like an imposter. I have this naive notion that as a girl and I grow closer it is only right that I reveal more of my authentic self to her. This includes but is not limited to my depression, my inexperience and virginity, my social anxiety, and my negative body image. Obviously I have sense enough not to dump these on people all at once as I just did you, but even my most measured and cool explanations, over time, cause women to lose interest in me. Personally I don’t understand why. Everyone finds flawed characters to be the most compelling in art and history, but in real life it feels like I’ll be forever alone just because I don’t have the looks and, perhaps more importantly, the charm of Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

So Doc, how does one in my position maintain a positive outlook? How can I meet people (preferably girls) and lead a less lonely life? Is my quarter-life crisis a more common thing than people like to admit, and if so how do I deal with it? Where can I find helpful resources/therapy for dealing with depression? Are there any that don’t include complex payments and insurance company BS? I know you’re not a real doctor but what are my options for over the counter anti-depressants? Thanks!!!

Eeyore Is My Patronus

DEAR EEYORE IS MY PATRONUS:This part of your letter leapt out at me, EIMP: “I’d love to talk to a therapist (and should you reply to this email you may very well suggest that I see one) but as far as I’m concerned that is COMPLETELY out of the question.”

Let me ask you something: if you broke your arm, would you go to the doctor? Or would you assume that it’s shameful to have to admit you need professional help and just stick to downing Advil by the handful?

Mental health is serious. It’s not illusory or less real because it’s in your head. It’s not shameful to be dealing with depression, even if your life is great on paper. What you’re feeling is real, and the sort of thing that actual doctors and counselors and therapists are trained to help you with. You aren’t going to get better just by trying to will it or white-knuckle through it. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help; in fact, more often than not, it takes real strength to do so. You need someone with the education and experience to guide you through this, who can help find the treatment and therapies that are right for you. Sometimes it’s cognitive behavioral therapy. Sometimes someone to talk to. And sometimes you need medication.

And as someone who’s dealt with chronic depression, I can tell you from experience: getting on the right antidepressants can change your entire damn life.

So I would suggest you get past the fear of your parents’ discovery that you’re in pain. But if you can’t, there are many cheap, or even free options for getting mental health care out there, ranging from self-directed CBT sites like MoodGym to apps like TalkSpace. But if you’re dealing with depression, then you may well need to talk to a medical professional, especially if you need an antidepressant.

Seriously: depression isn’t just “the blues” and issues like these don’t fix themselves. Don’t be ashamed of needing help. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak or defective. It just means that sometimes you can’t do it all on your own. Just like all of the rest of us.

Talk to a counselor. Talk to a therapist. Talk to your parish priest. But get the help you need. And write back so we know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 35 years old man who recently broke up with his girlfriend for 3 years, because I couldn’t handle the fact that she has had several lovers before me and I was an inexperienced virgin. I keep comparing us on that and I feel awful.

My life is severely messed up due to family problems and as a result I have always been alone, feeling disappointed and with low self-esteem. I abstained from coming close to women. I met her through common friends.

She really loves me and I know I would have stayed with her, if it wasn’t for my constant urge to meet and have sex with other girls as I have never done before and “bridge the experience gap”. I never cheated on her and neither did she have a problem with me being inexperienced.

I feel I have lost my one and only precious love with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life. How can I proceed, feel good with myself and come back to her after all? I know from her own words that for the time being she is still there for me, showing her true love. Can I make it or do I have to cope with her loss to truly find myself and “grow up”, finding love with a new mate?

The thoughts that I am old, I don’t have many chances to settle down and that there will always be an abyss of experience separating me from the girls around my age buzz in my head and drive me mad.

Thank you very much in advance!

Virgin In The Wild

DEAR VIRGIN IN THE WILD: I get letters like yours all the time, VitW. Every time it’s someone who feels like there’s a window closing and that if they don’t somehow make up for their utter lack of experience, they’re doomed to never date, ever. When they do find someone, they then get anxious over the difference in numbers; they feel as though that their lack of experience means that either they are “missing out” somehow or that they need to balance out the scales so that they’re more equal with their partner, somehow.

Not that anyone can explain what equality is supposed to bring, exactly.

Here’s a truth: your experience – or lack thereof – isn’t the problem. Your problem is the importance you’re putting on it. The number of partners you’ve had is ultimately meaningless; it doesn’t mean anything other than “you slept with X many people”. It doesn’t automatically mean that you’re a more desirable person; people have sex for reasons that have nothing to do with the person they’re banging. It doesn’t mean that you’re a better lover; people can have lots of one-night stands because they’re selfish dicks who never get a return engagement. It doesn’t mean that you did anything right or wrong or anything else.

Here’s another truth: there is no amount of sex that’s going to be “enough”. When you’re trying to derive your value through how many people you’ve slept with – especially when it’s in comparison with how many people your partner has slept with – then all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to (maybe) rack up notches on your bedpost and still feel empty and unfulfilled. You’ll be trying to fill a bottomless hole with sex and wondering why you never feel any better about it.

The “experience gap” you’re worried about isn’t relevant. If someone is going to judge you based on how many people you have or haven’t slept with, then they are someone you don’t want to be in a relationship with. Someone who’s right for you is someone who accepts the number of partners you’ve had – whether it’s 0, 1 or 100 – as just part of who you are. There will always be people who’ve had more sex than you; that’s ultimately a null value set because it has nothing to do with you.

Being with someone who’s had more sex than you doesn’t mean that they’re judging you and thinking “man if only I had someone who actually had more than me.” It means that they have chosen you. You can either trust your partner and accept that they’re telling you the truth when they tell you that they want to be with you… or you move on.

And you, VitW, can’t seem to accept someone at their word.

Now it’s time for the Chair Leg of Truth: right now, you can’t go back to your ex. I’m sorry, but doing that is just going to destroy any chances you have of actually making that relationship work. One of the things I always tell people who want to know whether they should get back with their ex is that if you haven’t resolved the reasons why you broke up in the first place, you’re just going to replay your break up the second time around. Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a whole lot worse. And you, VitW, have yet to deal with what broke you up.

You don’t need a loudmouth with a blog, my dude. You need a therapist. You need to find someone who can help you pick apart these issues and give you the tools to get your head on right. Until you do that, trying to rekindle your relationship with your ex is just going to cause more pain. If you don’t know where to find a therapist in your area, then you may want to start with the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists and find someone to your area.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting, my dude. But you need to address that pain before you try to date again. It’s the only way things are going to get better.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m having issues with my love life. As much as I want to, I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me that’s holding me back. When I was younger it was a competition between my mates on who could get more numbers/hookups/dates. So… I put a lot of time and effort into it… And have had a fair few long term relationships (OK not really, the longest was 3 months), but so many hookups and flings. I would like to see them again or more but we make out/do stuff/have sex for a week.. Two weeks and then it fizzles out for some reason.

I do the swipe right on everyone on tinder so I have 767 matches… Don’t get replies all the time I guess a lot of the girls I talk too don’t take it all that seriously. Erm.. Had a really good “copy pasta” message for OkCupid and Plenty of Fish, anyway that’s besides the point. Over the past 6 years that I graduated high school I’ve gone on something like over 1000 dates (yes I realize that sounds partly vain/sad/unbelievable and believe me I wish it weren’t the case). 

SOMETHING ALWAYS GOES WRONG!! Of the last 3 girls I was talking too, I’m mates with one of their exes, one blew off our date and stopped replying (happens fairly often) and I err kind of got irritated and blocked one because I thought she was leading me on (She wasn’t. I’m not prone to this kind of behavior but it does happen every once in awhile, was much more common when I was younger).

I dunno what I’m doing wrong, mate. I’ve always had really low self esteem and thought I was ugly. It doesn’t make sense because I model for a living? (Like fitness/fashion/pageant); I don’t have 6 pack abs… But I’m reasonably fit I think. 

I have a physical disability, and I think it also contributes to my self esteem issues and depression and anxiety issues. I just really identified with what you said; thinking “I have chemistry with everyone who gives me a chance” and the mindset of thinking “women have all the advantages in the dating field”. 

I also seem to have issues with narcissism and ego problems. It’s hard to explain; like I used to get super butthurt when women didn’t reply on fb messenger or something silly like that. I don’t anymore because I’ve seen my exes inboxes and how many nonsense messages something could get lost in or whatever.

Could my attitude towards women be bleeding into my interactions with them?

Rational and obvious thought says nobody is owed sex and you are not entitled to dating someone, or their time. Nor is it a “needed” component of life. I just find myself super lonely without it, wondering and being jealous of all my friends who are in long term relationships.. 

And I find myself feeling like I’m singled out and victimized, even though that’s completely out of left field. I mean it’d have to be one massive conspiracy to specifically target me out of everyone else in the world so that’s totally silly, but yet it’s how I feel.

I’m just tired of being alone. I don’t want to take the stupid red pill anymore or have angry poisonous beliefs about women or “alphas and betas”; yet all I can think about is “I’m ugly, and the good looking guys are the one’s who have all the luck. Stupid douchebags with 6 pack abs! Rawr Anger! Stupid women for wanting to go out with attractive men!”

That was a heavily over dramatic version buuuuut.. I think you can understand the gist of what I feel? 

I don’t want to end up alone. Maybe I should get a kitten or something?

– Guy who thinks he’s ugly but is probably just woefully average

DEAR GUY:Um, my dude, I think you need to look back over what you just wrote to me. You mention feeling as though that having a physical handicap gives you a disadvantage and that you’re unattractive in one paragraph, and in the other mention that you’ve had multiple hook-ups, flings and literally hundreds of matches on Tinder.

And then we’re back to the idea that you’re beta and ugly.

To quote the sage: “You keep using that word. I do no think it means what you think it means.”

So straight talk: yes, your attitude is bleeding out into your interactions with women. However you may feel about your looks, you clearly have enough going on that you’re able to get that initial interest, even dates and hook-ups. But the reason you can’t keep them is because, frankly, you’re a hot mess and women can tell.

You’ve got a real gumbo of issues here, dude. Let’s start with “SOMETHING ALWAYS GOES WRONG.” Of the examples you’ve given, one of them is just basic bad luck. Hey, you’ve got a friend in common and she’s decided that means she can’t date you. That sucks but hey, sh-t happens, wear a hat. You can’t control for bad luck, you can only roll with it and try agian.

The other two are, frankly, your fault. Yeah, some women will just up and ghost a dude and it blows, but if it’s happening to you frequently, then you need to take a moment to stop and do some serious examination about what all those experiences have in common. And frankly, the biggest common denominator those interactions have is… you. You’re dripping a lot of bitterness and entitlement here, man, and that’s in a letter to me. Trust me when I tell you, you are not hiding that from the women you’re talking to. Women are going to pick up on your attitude and decide they’d really rather just cut off communication and get back in the dating pool instead of dealing with you.

Now don’t get me wrong here: I get that you’re frustrated. I totally understand. Back in my bad old days, I was single more often than not and bitter with it. And trust me, that bitterness really drove people away. It’s not just being Eeyore, it’s being the dude who says “yeah I know, I’m ugly and also f

k you for dating someone else”. That alone is going to push people away. But then there’s also the way you’ve described your interactions with people. Getting pissy with someone because you suspect they’re leading them on? That’s not cool. Neither is treating dating as “I want to fit someone into the hole marked ‘girlfriend’ and I don’t care who.” People in relationships want to feel special and desired because they’re them and you want them specifically. If you’re making them feel as though their primary value to you is a warm body, they’re gonna NEXT you so hard your head will spin. Having competitions with your buds about who could get more hook-ups is part and parcel of the whole problem; it dehumanizes women to just being points in a screwed up contest. Yeah, I did that shit too back when I was a PUA; it was gross when I was doing it and it was gross when you were doing it. No woman out there, even those who dig no-strings sex with Johnny Rando, appreciates feeling like they’re an interchangeable cog.

Like Virgin In the Wild up there, you’ve got an attitude problem and a validation problem, not an issue with your looks. You’re trying to use women as proof that you’re not “ugly” or undesirable or what-not and that’s simply never going to work. That’s the bad news.

The good news is, like VitW, you’re recognizing that this is a screweded up situation and you need to change. That’s an important first step, man; you really can’t fix a problem until you recognize that you have a problem. And – more importantly – you’re picking up on the right problem that you need to fix. A lot of people never even get that far.

No amount of external evidence – up to and including that apparently you work AS A MODEL – is going to shut up that voice in your head if you’re relying solely on external validation for your sense of value. You need to learn to find your own value if you want to quit feeling like you don’t measure up to whatever unbelievable standard you seem to have given yourself. And much like I told VitW, the best thing you can do right now is talk to a therapist; working with a mental health professional will go a long way towards unpacking these issues and helping you move towards a more equitable relationship with a person instead of a cardboard cutout with “girlfriend” scrawled across it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve had an occasional history of depression and anxiety, and in the last few weeks, these feelings have become a lot more common. I’m a 26 year old virgin who’s never had a girlfriend, so I want to improve socially to the point where I can eventually get married. However, I’m a college student who works two part time jobs, and much of my time will be devoted to this, as well as preparing myself for a future career. I did read your book New Game +, which has lots of information, and while I want to improve socially, I’ve got a very busy schedule.

The problem is, however, outside of my family, I don’t have much of a support network of friends. I moved to where I live three years ago, and I’ve met people here and there, but we’ve largely lost contact. Part of it’s because I’ve been busy with college and work, part is because they’re not as much my personality type, and I live about half an hour away from most of them. I will start seeing a therapist soon, and plan on joining a few MeetUp groups. However, when seeing people around my age who are in a relationship, I get nervous and jealous, and it negatively affects my mood, reminding me of what I don’t have. There are young couples in quite a few of these Meetup groups, and I don’t want this to affect me from going out.

I’m also worried about even after I get help, my depression and anxiety will flare up at the worst possible time, thus negatively affecting my social life and potential romantic prospects. I’ve had things like this happen in the past, which has, needless to say, led to some very awkward moments.

I’ve just got so much on my plate and on my mind, and any help would be appreciated.

Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED: First of all, I’m proud of you for the steps you’ve been taking. You’re doing everything right – both to improve your social life and also to address your anxiety and depression. One thing I want you to keep in mind: there are many ways to treat anxiety and depression, and some will work better for you than others will. Remember: the ones that work for you are the ones that work for you, regardless of what form it ends up taking. If your therapist recommends any medication, this isn’t a sign that you’re a failure or someone who couldn’t muscle their way through it. All it means is that this is a therapy they think may work best for you. Many forms of chronic depression and anxiety are chemical in origin; the right medication can help correct this. As someone who’s been on Zoloft, I can tell you: it can absolutely make a difference for you.

And while it’s no substitute for working with a trained therapist, I’m also a fan of learning how to control your own mind as a supplement to whatever else you do. Yoga and meditation may sound crunchy and new-age-y, but they really can be a great way of taking control of your brain when it tries to gallop out of control.

But don’t forget: while many forms of treatment DO take time to take effect, don’t ever be afraid to advocate for your own needs while you’re working with your therapist. If they recommend medication and you have side-effects that make things harder, you have the right to tell them you’d rather try something else.

Now, let’s talk a little about managing those anxieties while you’re building your new social life. The envy you feel around happy couples is understandable; they have something you wish you had after all. However, the mistake is letting that sense of “but why not me?” take over and leave you feeling bitter and resentful. That’s a mindset that can leave you even more lonely than before – and end up cutting you off from potential friends and potential lovers in turn. After all, while they may have something that you wish you did, new friends may well be the people to introduce you to single people who want to date you.

So how do you get around this? Start with noting and naming your feelings. Words have power after all, and the stories you tell yourself become part of how you actually feel. So rather than describing yourself as being envious, observe your feelings. “Huh… I guess I feel envious of that couple over there.”

Notice very carefully that I phrased that as “I FEEL envious”, not “I AM envious”. The latter defines envy as an integral part of who you are – envy is a core to your identity. The other describes a feeling, and one that’s temporary at that. Not only does this create a layer of abstraction between you and those negative feelings, but it reinforces your control over them. You’re reminding yourself that feeling a particular way is an option, not destiny.

Once you’ve noted and named those feelings, then reframe them. The fact that there are young couples out there doesn’t take anything away from you; neither of them represents a loss to you. What they do represent is that love is real and out there, and if they can find it, then so can you. In a very real way, that love means “hope”.

As weird as it may sound, telling yourself that you’re actually happy for them helps you on the rebound. In a very real way, attitude is destiny; a positive outlook on life makes you more successful in everything that you do. Having a positive attitude and outlook makes you more emotionally resilient. You may fail at times – and that’s fine – those failures are something that you can learn from. They’re something you can bounce back from and – importantly – overcome. And having a positive outlook, particularly when it comes to socializing, makes you more popular. People don’t like spending time around negative people. But the guy who’s generally cheerful and upbeat, even if he’s still striving for the things he wants? That guy is going to be pretty popular. Attitudes are contagious, after all and people feel better around positive folks. That, in turn, makes them want to spend more time with those same people.

So yeah, you may feel a little weird and uncomfortable around them at first. But the more you reframe the situation – that they’re proof that what you want is out there and attainable – then they go from being a negative to a positive. They’re not your opponents, as it were, but aspirational figures. Relationship goals, as it were.

Plus, as an added bonus: seeing couples in happy and successful relationships also provide role models for how relationships can work. Obviously not every relationship style is going to work for you, and every relationship is going to have it’s quirks. But being able to look around and see how other people make it work can give you an idea of how things can work for you, too.

Oh, and one more thing: even under treatment, you can have flare-ups of anxiety and depression. I still have times when my depression weighs pretty heavily on me. But having worked with therapists and learned my own triggers, I know how to handle them. As you work through your own treatments, you’ll find the things that work for you too. And while you may have those moments when everything is dark, poison arrows fall from the sky and the pillars of heaven shake, you’ll be able to look it square in the eye and say “Bring it on. I can take it.”

It seems like a lot, but you’re strong and you’re on the right path. You’ve got this, Overwhelmed.

All will be well.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Some people are natural artists and end up in the Louvre next to the Mona Lisa. Others end up with glitter, crazy paint and spaghetti noodles and still create abominations. It’s the same for me and dating, I read you and a few other awesome blogs to try and upgrade my skill set. I do a pretty good human impression but I have this one terrible quality: creepers and abusers are magnetically drawn to me and please for the love of gods, teach me how not to be the approachable gal! I’ve tried headphones, strategically place books and endless hours of cats or archaeology…

I gave up on being nice and accommodating a long time ago but I do have a very wide circle of friends with various quirks and issues. I’ve been slowly removing the Nopes: the missing stairs, creepers and boundary toe-stompers from my circle (like the large guy who was going to kidnap and assault me in his unregistered car “as a joke” that caused me to have a nervous breakdown and have to leave university for the semester). What’s worse is teaching people around me about rape culture like my mum who has no boundaries and just doesn’t get why guys swooping in to save you against your will (even if they are your older professor friends is creepy and gross). My family is screwed up but loving that’s a whole other letter, Doc.

Me trying everything from dressing modestly to resting bitch face and headphones everywhere, it doesn’t stop me from being stalked by men and women alike (everything from a random local community dude creep, to a girl cyber stalking me in a uni class to do her work and then creepy abusive guy I most recently dated for 3 months but ended things hard is now using mutual hobbies as a way of seeing me, so I quit gaming and advertising where I’ll be until after I’ve been there). Pre last creeper, I had to live cautiously and hide my existence and I was only just recovering my sense of safety and freedom when he turned out to be gross.

Last creepy guy sabotaged my academic work, ignored me for 8-10 hour online games, outrageously lied and stole from me to leverage his way back into my life, abused me and gaslit me, had weird kinks he wouldn’t negotiate until mid coitus, left sh*t stains on my sheets that I initially thought were one of my cats having been sick, thought cutting finger nails and reciprocal foreplay was not a thing he had the do, and then threatened suicide when he wouldn’t get his own way. My housemate years ago was found dead by me so I really didn’t want to come home to his bloated corpse in my cute little flat.

I’ve tried all the no contact and blocking to the sun with this last disgusting guy and victim support counseling because the stress brought back my OCD since that guy was a hoarder and had a stench like a dying whale and rotten teeth. I’m addicted to sniffing mothballs, listening to T-Swift’s “Clean”, I just got 5 bottles of perfume for my birthday and I’ve just stopped washing my hands 34 times a day. But I missed gaming and the friends I made in it.

So, I personally engaged actual qualified professionals help to negotiate my return to our role playing club and other gaming hobbies (think two personal psychologist sessions especially devoted and victim support counseling to coming back) and our gaming group wanted us to go through *mediation* without specifying what it was they wanted of me and he has done nothing to talk to them so I left the hobby altogether because they had no victim support policy and didn’t enforce any consequences on him and they wouldn’t ban him from games despite his refusal to talk at the table.

I’m not being part of a club that pushes me out and expects me to do all the mature compromising at my expense for this creepy dude. The thing is, this guy was deemed unsafe by Team Me, but he hogs all the games and there’s no effing justice so I miss out on everything in case he is there, can’t create or confirm plans because he shows up uninvited and I have to avoid a lot of cool things I’d like to do in case he’s there. Leaving gaming was one thing, but I’m tired of missing out on medieval faires or games, the free comic days or the cons in my city or geek themed pub quizzes.

So what do I do to keep away the creepers like this one and since I’ve emerged from my rock, what do I do if I see this guy? I already have mental health disabilities and he makes me both anxious and full of rage. I have taken up poetry and improv since and now I’m going back to university to study in July after the breakdown.

Life On Mars

DEAR LIFE ON MARS: I’m sorry all that happened to you, LoM. You’ve done a lot of things right – from kicking the guy to the curb, to focusing on your self-care and doing what you need to do to be healthy and safe.

Now, let’s dig in a little to what you can do next – both in dealing with this guy, with your former social groups and avoiding future creepers.

First and foremost: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You have the right to enforce your boundaries at all times, to any degree that you wish and by god you should do so. Establishing firm boundaries – including a willingness to call dudes out on their bad behavior you’re being irrational, right then and there – is part of how you keep creepers and predators out of your life. Yeah, it’s scary and intimidating. There will be guys – and their (occasionally even well-meaning) enablers – who will push back against you for having boundaries or enforcing  them. They will tell you that . Well, a) f-ck that and b) you’ve had enough bad experiences that your Spidey-sense is going to be more sensitive than others’. They will tell you that it’s unfair because he doesn’t mean it or know better. Tough, because it’s pretty easy to see when a dude only behaves like that to women and anyway even goldfish can learn. They will say you’re being a bitch. Fine. BE a bitch. Be Queen Bitch, First of Her Name, Empress of Back Off Or Pull Back a Stump.

Being “nice” is great, but “nice” also is what a—-holes will leverage to get to you. Sometimes you’ve got to be a mean motherf-cking soldier of love guarding your own security. You’ve been hurt, abused and violated by people before. You have to be the strongest advocate of your own safety and interests. So put up those boundaries, and let the people who’re worth letting in prove it by respecting them.

Next: your social circle. Unfortunately, y’all got a bad case of Missing Stair paired with an equally bad case of Geek Social Fallacies. A lot of geek communities are averse to “drama”. Unfortunately, they tend to blame said drama on the person who points out that it exists, not the person causing it. It’s easier to pretend it doesn’t happen than it is to actually address it and admit that maybe the person they like is a creeper and they need to do something about it. It’s easier to get the person saying “we have a problem” to be quiet about it than it is to actually do something.

Now, you can consider approaching some of the members of your old group individually and giving them the download on what this dude has done. Taking this on a one-on-one level might get people to listen in a way that a group setting might not, especially if there’re many, drama-enabling “Let us REASON together” who drown out all other voices. It may be easier to divide and conquer and keep those individual friendships even if you can’t be with the entire group. And hey… get enough of those together and you’ve got a new group entirely. But if they, as a whole, are going to focus on the idea that there’s some middle-ground to be had… well, I refer you back to the Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries paragraph.

And, bee-tee-dubs: boundaries also means “tell me if this dude is going to be at the event too” or saying “I can’t be at this event if he is going to be there”. Yeah, you’re asking them to draw lines and choose sides. Which sucks, but your right to protect yourself overrides “be reasonable”.

And finally: if you do have friends you can go to Faire with or cons or pub-quizzes, do so. Let them be your shield, your linebacker, your tank. They can run interference if homeboy sees you and tries to make contact. They can be the ones to get you out of the room if you start to have a panic attack or need to get out before he triggers some form of PTSD. Don’t think #squadgoals, think #brutesquad.

It sucks that sometimes assholes win. But if you want to continue enjoying the hobbies you love and the others won’t consider safety over Social Fallacies, you may have to carve out your own space instead.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)