DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you have any material relating to people who indirectly acquire your phone number. Or give you a fake reason to get your number and then call or text you to ask you out. Out of the blue, without warning.

It’s happened to me 5 times now, it scares the sh-t out of me and I’m pretty sick of it. After a lot of reflection I understand that I have some boundary issues to address that almost definitely contribute to the situation. I’m too kind, too friendly, too available and too attentive. I always have a moment for everyone and I’m more interested in understanding and championing people than I am in protecting myself. No matter who they are, how they look or how awkward they are socially, I really just want to have a good chat and a laugh and get excited about geek-y things with them.

I don’t want to play the victim and shirk any responsibility for my boundary problems, even so it’s really frustrating, frightening and I never know how to handle it. It’s confusing as hell because I’m no Scarlett Johansson, and it blows my mind that this happens to me at all. I’ve managed to keep my original number so far, but I’ve had to fight to get these people to stop contacting me. Sometimes it’s turned into some pretty vicious, defensive verbal exchanges that I’m not proud of. Other times I’ve had to leave social clubs, avoid businesses and even stop contracting to a particular workplace to get away from these individuals.

Even though I have a long history with people who interact with me like this, it shocks me every time and I freak out because it makes no sense to me. I’ve been mildly stalked a couple of times and I regularly attract really insecure/troubled friends and interested ‘nice’ guys. I’m becoming more than a little anti-social, judgmental and wary of being friends with anyone who displays even the tiniest signs of insecurity, poor self esteem or control issues. So I want to address that by regaining my confidence, rebuilding my self esteem and getting more social. Part of getting this confidence back means potentially dealing with being stalked again or having my contact information misappropriated or being given out without my permission again.

So Doc, in your opinion, what do I need to understand about what’s going on here? I’d really appreciate anything you’ve got to say about this. 

Thanks!

- Private Number

DEAR PRIVATE NUMBER: This is one of those irritating times when you’re stuck having to make changes because of other people’s bad behavior. There’re plenty of creepers out there who see boundaries as things that happen to other people and folks who’ll leverage another person’s kindness and friendliness in order to get access to them. I have lost track at how many times I’ve seen guys take advantage of the good-will of women or mistake friendliness for a sign that they were destined to be together. Anime clubs, conventions, various professional events… put together a large enough mix of poor social calibration, insecurity and entitlement and you get dudes who think that women exist strictly for their benefit.

Unfortunately, dealing with them means having to have some shields up. 

To start with, I’d suggest seriously working on your boundaries – not just with these guys but also with the folks who’re giving out your number. If your friends are how some of these folks are trying to bank-shot their way into your life, then it’s time to sit those friends down and have a come-to-Jesus meeting with them about how free they’ve been with your contact info. They should check with you first before giving out your information, not just handing it out willy-nilly to anyone who’s trying to get in contact with you.

As for guys who’re making sudden swerves into trying to date you, it may be worth making sure that when the topic of dating comes up that you shut it down, firmly and directly. If you’ve given soft no’s like “I’m not interested in dating right now” or “I just don’t have the time”, a lot of guys will deliberately overlook the refusal and choose to interpret what you’re saying as “try again later” or “keep at it, I’ll change my mind.” It’s one of the lies that we pick up through pop-culture, and unfortunately, a lot of people think persistence in the face of a lack of interest is romantic, not creepy as hell.

It also may not be a bad idea to put up some firewalls between you and these creepers. Locking down your social media presence should be your first stop. Get to know the privacy settings for your Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts and make ’em as secure as you can. It’s astounding how many ways Facebook can open you up to complete strangers, even when you’re being careful. You should also consider having two numbers and email addresses: your “real” one and the one you give out to less-trusted people. Services like Google Voice provide a decentralized number that you can access from anywhere (and abandon as needed), while apps like Burner which give you disposable alternate numbers – including ones that are text only – that eventually self-destruct. These can help limit the ways that Johnny Creepo can get in touch with you… including if one of your well-meaning friends gives out your info even when you’ve specifically told them not to.

Yeah, it’s a little extreme, but if you’ve had creepers stalking you, that extra layer of insulation can provide some invaluable peace of mind.

Beyond that: as much as I hate to say it, but you may have to let yourself be a little more judgmental and wary of folks and less available overall. It’s admirable that you want to assume the best of everyone, but a lot of people tend to take friendliness as signs of interest and will dismiss anything that disagrees with the story they want to hear. Yes, there’re dudes who may be a little awkward but otherwise good guys, but there’re also the ones who’ll use social awkwardness as cover. You’re well within your rights to keep people at a distance until they’ve proven that they’re decent people. You’re also well within your rights to cut folks off for any reason. If you decide someone makes you uncomfortable or they’re starting to give you the creeper vibe, you have the right to put distance between you and them. You may catch flack from folks who buy into the Geek Social Fallacies or who will tell you that you’re overreacting. Doesn’t matter: who you trust and don’t trust isn’t up for public vote and you can set your boundaries where you damn well please.

Beyond that: take things at your own pace and speed. You can ease yourself back into the social scene as fast or as slow as you feel comfortable doing. Just take care of yourself; that matters more than possibly hurting some randos’ feelings when you’re not as nice as they’d like you to be.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Doc, I have a problem. I’ve read your article “How To Make Friends (When You’re Out of College)“ on your website, which is good, because it addresses a problem I’m facing: all my friends are moving to other cities and the like.

The logical step is for me to make more, but I have a few factors that complicate it. For example: you mention joining clubs and so on. Whenever I do that, the same thing happens; I almost always wind up in some sort of leadership or administrative role (I’m pretty responsible?), and then, well, I’m in that role, it’s pretty fun, but in that role I don’t feel I can act in any other way than professionally towards everyone else and, uh, the whole ‘friendship’ thing kinda stalls.

When it comes to meeting people outside of organized groups like clubs and MeetUps, I’ve discovered I’m actually pretty reluctant to engage with anyone. Like, I’ve noticed I’ll tend to stick my nose in my phone / computer / book / looking at scenery and can shut down pretty hard if anyone comes to talk to me…

Yeah.

I like staying at home and doing solo activities – even as I’m aware it completely hurts my social life and is going to cause me serious problems soon. But I don’t know how to train myself out of it, as even without a phone, computer, or book, I’ll crawl into my shell when I’m in public.

Do you have any advice for these complications?

- Resting Responsibility Face

DEAR RESTING RESPONSIBILITY FACE: First of all, you don’t have to take on any sort of leadership or administrative role, RFF. You’re perfectly free to say “no” when people ask you if you would take on responsibilities for the club or what-not. And honestly, even if you do end up being the club president or something, that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with people. You’re not an officer in the military, and they aren’t soldiers under your command. These are extracurricular activities you’re doing for fun. Don’t take things too seriously, especially if it’s something like a book-club or a gaming group or whatnot.

As to your second point: to start with, you could always make a point of leaving your book at home when you go out and keep your phone in your pocket. In fact, it may be good to turn your phone off completely so you’re less tempted to pull it out and check on things “just in case”.

But more to the point, if you want to train yourself out of turtling up and actually come out of your shell, then start going to events where being social is the whole point of being there. This is one of the reasons I suggest things like MeetUps or silly get-togethers like an amateur kickball league; the whole point is to actually hang out and interact with people. It’s kind of hard to keep your nose in a book when you’re expected to be guarding second base or help your Skee-Ball team get into the quarter-finals.

(Trust me, I’ve tried.)

The biggest thing you need to do is just relax, RRF. This ain’t life or death, this is fun and friendship. Don’t overthink things. Just take a step or two to get out of your own way and then go with the flow of the situation.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 27 year old guy from India, so please excuse my English. I’ve just become engaged last month with 23 year old girl as part of an arranged marriage. She says she is virgin but I don’t know if I believe her. Yesterday we tried to have sex at my place. During foreplay, I put my 2 fingers inside and it too loose. I tried to enter her with my penis and I got a serious mind shock. She was simply too loose inside.

I have had sex with around 10 girls, and nobody was that loose even after we had had sex for, like, 200 times. Now I’m serious unsure whether she is telling the truth or not. She has high blood pressure issues and migraines. She has told me that she has never even masturbated. So can a girl who has never had sex be so loose inside?

Please guide me.

- Virgin Detector

DEAR VIRGIN DETECTOR: Hoo boy. VD I picked your letter because, quite frankly, you’re an example of a lot of really awful myths and misunderstandings about women, anatomy, virginity and how bodies work in general.

So pay attention, school’s in session. And today’s lesson is: there are no signs that somebody is a virgin or not.

Let’s start with your fiancee’s “looseness”. Genitalia come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Just as penises can range from the very small to the very large, so can vaginas. Women can have deep vaginal canals or shallow ones. Men can have narrow penises or thick ones, just as women can have naturally narrow or wide vaginas.

But here’s the thing about women and vaginas: a woman’s “tightness” has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of sex they have or haven’t had. The vaginal walls are a muscle and they’re incredibly elastic; after all, they’re designed to let a baby pass through. Your penis ain’t the size of a baby, no matter how many times you’ve put it in someone. To put it another way: think of all the times you’ve eaten food. Sometimes it’s been as small as piece of popcorn. Other times it’s been something large enough that you’ve had to unhinge your jaw like a snake. Has your mouth stretched out of shape? No. No it has not.

There are three things that affect vaginal tightness: childbirth, arousal and specific exercises involving the pelvic floor. The vagina does, in fact, get stretched during child-birth, but (in younger women anyway) it re-tightens post-partum. After around six to eight months, a woman’s vagina feels the same it did before. Women in their late 30s and 40s can have issues due to age affecting the elasticity of the muscles and women who’ve had many, many children can seriously fatigue the vaginal muscles. But again I would remind you: it doesn’t matter how big your penis (or anyone’s really) may or may not be, it’s not as big as a baby.

Arousal is another set of circumstances that can affect vaginal tightness. See, a tight vagina is NOT a sign of sexual inexperience, it’s a sign that she’s not aroused. Arousal causes the vaginal muscles to relax and open to better accommodate an erect penis and facilitate impregnation. So a woman whose vagina is open and well-lubricated is a woman who’s very aroused while a woman who’s tight is one who’s tense, not in the mood or dealing with someone who sees foreplay as “brace yourself, I’m going in.”

So to answer your question: no, the relative dimensions of your fiancee’s genitalia do not tell you whether or not she’s a virgin.

And while we’re at it: a hymen or lack thereof is no indicator of virginity either. Many women won’t have a hymen, or barely have one in the first place. Other times, it may have been torn through simply being active and athletic. So that’s not a reliable indicator of virginity either.

Is your fiancee a virgin? Who knows. And to be perfectly frank, does it really matter that much to you? You’re starting a relationship with this woman and having a successful marriage means putting in effort. 

Starting things off by calling her a liar and slut-shaming her? That’s really not a great beginning to a marriage.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m one of your homosexual readers who lives in an area where my sexual orientation is a danger to myself. But given recent events, I’m starting to think that I’m just cursed in general. Let me explain.

The first guy I fell for that helped me realize I’m gay was back in middle school. He would come over quite a lot and seemed to enjoy the time we spent together. I later found out that his home life was not that fantastic, as his mother would verbally abuse him and treat his younger brother much more favorably by comparison. His mother was murdered by his father before the school year was out. He and his brother left to live with his grandmother by order of the courts.

The next guy I fell for was in high school. He was an outcast, but who wasn’t in high school? We would get along and hang out, and he was cool when I confessed my attraction to him even though we weren’t compatible. (He was straight.) I recently learned that he died in a home invasion gone bad while I was at college.  He was shot and killed in that event while trying to defend his home.

Immediately out of high school, I fell for a guy I met on the internet. What actually happened was that I ended up becoming every mother’s worst nightmare and found myself being raped by a man old enough to be my father at the time. I got out of there as fast as I could, going broke in the process.

A lot of time passed between him and the next guy I fell for, which was a work crush. He was the first bisexual I fell for, but upon telling him that I fancied him, I was shot down.  He was cool and we still hung out as friends. Then he got arrested and charged with statutory rape of his step-sister three months later.

The most recent guy I fell for was this past year. He was a fellow nerd around my age that looked a whole lot younger. We hung out over the course of about six months, but after telling him that I was attracted to him, I found out very quickly that he was the type that “didn’t like putting labels on relationships.” He was recently arrested and charged with possession and distributing child pornography.

I think you can see the trend here. It seems that every guy I fall for ends up… well, being involved in some kind of criminal activity, either as the perpetrator or the victim.  It’s gotten to the point now where I’m afraid to even attempt to flirt with a guy I find attractive. I know this is a completely irrational way to think, so I’m turning to you for advice. How can I go about beating this curse and finally find a guy who won’t end up like the rest? Or is this one of those weird cases where I’m just going to have to let Fate decide for me?

– Stuck in the Middle (America)

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: Before I get into this SitMA, I want to make it abundantly clear that you aren’t doing these things. You had nothing to do with the fate that befell your high-school crush, nor did you have anything to do with the horrifying home-life that your friend from middle-school had. This is going to sound dismissive and it’s not meant to, but that’s just really bad luck. As for the rest… I think the biggest issue is that you’re in a bad situation and that is affecting things more than anything else.

You’re in one of those backwards parts of America where being open and out about being gay is a very bad idea. This puts a serious whammy on your dating life because trying to meet people often means literally taking your life in your hands. It’s hard to meet a good guy when it’s hard to meet any guy in the first place. So your dating pool – already relatively limited – is limited even further. This means the odds of a string of bad (ranging from “that a—-hole who cheated on me” to “Oh holy God, the cops pulled a monster off the street”) boyfriends goes up significantly.

Circumstances like these can be especially bad because it gives bad actors and predators – like your rapist (and also, holy hell, I’m so sorry that happened to you) – an advantage because there are a lot of inexperienced boys and young men out there looking for love who also have a lot of motivation to keep things quiet.

Another thing that’s going on is that there’s some x-factor about these guys that you find attractive. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you’re at fault at all, nor am I saying you’re attracted to scumbags. What I am saying is that – much like with the ugly myth that women like a—-holes, there’s some trait that these guys share that happens to come up a lot in dudes who are frequently in trouble with the law in one way or another.

Maybe it’s that they’re the ones willing to flaunt social convention. Maybe they’re more confident or assertive than some of the other guys you’ve met. Maybe there’s an recklessness or adventurousness that you find appealing. But – as I’m always saying – while a—-holes and scumbags may have those traits, there’re plenty of good people who have them too. It’s correlation, not causation.

There’s also the possibility of some self-sabotage coming into play. If you have issues with depression or low self-esteem or self-worth – or if you’ve internalized the blame for what happened to you and your friends – it’s entirely possible that there’s a part of you that leads you to be into guys that you know are no good for you because you’re subconsciously punishing yourself. Sometimes people will pick partners that they know at some level are bad for them, because they don’t believe they deserve to be happy.

So how do you beat this curse? Well, my first suggestion is a wildly impractical one in the immediate term, but if I’m perfectly honest, it’s the one I’d focus on: get the hell out of there. Sock away every single dime you can spare and start making plans to find a new, more LGBT-friendly place to live  where you and others can be open without being as at-risk as you are right now. A larger, safer and more open LGBT population means that there are more opportunities to meet people, and that means more chances to find a good guy who’s right for you. It also means you’ll be happier and enjoy life more in general, which can help improve the odds of finding the right guy.

The other thing to do in the meantime is to do some self-exploring and trying to sort out just what it is that you’re attracted to in men. The more you can zoom in on what it was that all these guys had in common, the more you can start looking for guys who have that same x-factor while doing a whole lot of due diligence to filter out the criminals and the predators.

And if you are having any sort of emotional issues… well, it can be good to get some help there too. The always-excellent Captain Awkward has a great post on her site about finding low-cost or even free mental health care, and it may be worth your time checking that out too.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m probably a tad older than your typical readership (36) and have been on my journey to get better at dating/women/relationships for a long time. While I’ve certainly improved, I do still struggle. I’m about 6 months out of a relationship that really wreaked havoc on me. I’ve come to realize that one of the consistent factors in most of my relationships is that I end up playing a care taker role for people who are more than happy to have me care for them. In the end my needs end up taking a back seat to those of my partners.

Now, at this point a little bit of background would probably be helpful. I am an only child and grew up with a father who was emotionally abusive to my mother (I was spared his aggression, but I understand the trauma of witnessing it). My mother was, and still is, a pretty fragile person. She attempted suicide once before I was born and once when I was a teenager. My mom unfairly confided in me as a kid and I became her confidant and care taker. So, this role is one that is well worn for me.

My question is, how do I stop attracting people who need a care taker? A number of friends have told me that one of the first things that they noticed about me is my kindness and compassion. It worries me that I may be putting something out into the world that screams, “I’ll take on your burden”. Now, I should also say that I don’t think I come across as a doormat and I have a strong identity, but what am I doing wrong? I’ve actually brought this up with my therapist and he basically said that eventually I’ll start recognizing the signs earlier. I found that to be a pretty dismal prospect. What are your thoughts?

– These Wheels Be Spinnin

DEAR THESE WHEELS BE SPINNIN: Kindness and compassion are desirable traits in a potential boyfriend and husband, TWBS. But there’s a profound difference between being kind and compassionate and being a White Knight, and I suspect you’ve got tendencies towards the latter. Now, I’ll be the first to remind you that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor of any kind, but it’s pretty obvious to me that if this has been something that you’ve been doing as a child, it’s going to be something you’re going to keep doing as a grown-up. Doubly so if – as it seems to be in your case – that behavior is tied into gaining people’s approval and validation.

Nobody screws you up quite like your parents and it sounds like at your age you were tossed into an unfair relationship with your mother, reversing the roles of parent and child. As a kid and teenager, you barely have your own sh-t together; expecting you to take care of — and be the sole emotional support system for – a parent at that age is, mildly, beyond messed up. Some people would be within their rights to call this borderline abusive, if unintentional. But intent doesn’t matter as much as outcome does and you’ve grown up with a lifetime of love and approval being conditional upon taking care of other people.

(Incidentally, you might find it interesting to read Neil Strauss’ The Truth and see how Strauss’ relationship with his mother resonates with you.)

But the past is the past and this is your present. What are you doing that puts out this “I will take care of you” vibe? Well, I strongly suspect it has a lot to do with boundaries. Specifically: you don’t have them. Users, abusers and drama queens recognize and prey upon people who have low or non-existent boundaries. There are people who are excessively needy or who crave the drama of perpetually being a victim or a broken bird and needing someone to do all of the emotional heavy-lifting for them or someone who can be guilted or manipulated into doing their bidding and never leaving. Don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that people are tracking you down because you look like free lunch and smell like free money, nor does this translate to an overt, mustache-twirling “I will bend you to my will” levels of coercion. They may not be conscious of this behavior on their part; they simply latch onto people who don’t question them or don’t push back. They may have a long list of evil exes or people who’re continually being selfish and rude to them or abandoning them in their (continual) hour of need or a never-ending list of reasons why things never go their way or they can’t do anything.

Note that this is different from people who have legitimate issues but also don’t put full responsibility for handling those issues on their partners. There’s asking for help on occasion when it’s needed and then there’s expecting your honey-bunny to do all the work for you.

So how do you quit dating these people? Well, first: develop your boundaries. It’s good to be kind. It’s good to be compassionate. It’s not good to be somebody’s sole support, to be their enabler or to try to take on responsibilities that aren’t yours. You need to practice being willing to draw firm lines on what you will and won’t do and stick to them. It can be hard – you have to resist your own good nature and the tendency for people like these to wield guilt like a weapon. You’ll worry that by saying “no”, you’ll be putting undue burden on them. You’ll fear that it’ll damage – or even destroy – the relationship. You’ll have plenty of times when you’ll be wondering if you’re making the right choice or not. These are, in fact, all pretty good signs that you’re dating a user.

But the fact of the matter is: being a partner means just that: a partner. Equals. There’s lending a hand and then there’s replacing a limb. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for somebody is let them develop their own strength.

The good news is that once you’ve started getting in the habit of establishing and maintaining strong boundaries, you’re less likely to run into those emotional vampires and hard-luck cases. By maintaining your boundaries, you’ll be warding them off long before they can get firmly latched onto you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In July 2014 I met “B” out social dancing. A week later he found my profile on an online dating site and asked me out. We continued to see each other for the next 9 months – dating, hanging out & physical intimacy. He always gave me enough to believe he was interested in me via words and actions but never enough to make me feel confident about his true feelings. He was busy working full time and finishing his PhD while I was busy working full time, traveling 40% of the time, so it was sometimes difficult but would always make a point to see each other as soon as we were back in town, every week or two. I hesitated to initiate the Defining The Relationship talk as my past experiences have been guys getting freaked out and running the opposite direction if I bring up the DTR, even though I am a highly independent woman, very organic about how relationships progress and am very reasonable in the conversation. 

At the 9 month mark, he finished his PhD and got a job cross country. I helped him with the drive/move and at the end put my foot down and had the DTR. I made sure to be clear I was interested in him but had not made assumptions in terms of what had been between him and I – I simply wanted to communicate so we could be on the same page. Unfortunately, he totally freaked out, saying he didn’t promise me anything and saying I was being unreasonable. This was shocking to me as I never said he promised me anything, on the contrary, actually. I couldn’t have been more fair or reasonable in my wording. He stopped talking to me which was upsetting that not only was he not interested in me but didn’t even care about the really meaningful friendship we had spent 9 months building. Regardless, I am not the type to try to convince someone to be with me, much less treat me with basic respect, so I took the hint, deleted him from my phone and told myself it wasn’t meant to be.

Fast forward 6 months, I was offered and accepted a job not only in his new town but at his company. Because the company has 25k employees across severals locations, I figured the likelihood of our paths crossing was slim to none as we worked in totally different groups. I did not tell him I would be moving to his town or working at his company…of course, within my first two hours, I ran into B and he was shocked to say the least.

I always told myself I would never give him anything to hold against me, so I was kind, smiled, said hello, made small talk, etc. He pinged me a week or so later to ask how I was doing. He also asked me to get coffee with him about a month later, which I agreed to. At coffee, he pretended like nothing had gone down between us and I was beyond confused. I’ve been there for about 2 months now and see him in passing about once a week so this won’t be ending anytime soon!

I’m a huge communicator don’t like leaving elephants in the room and it seems he’s the opposite. I would like to have a conversation to understand and put to rest what happened between him and I as there was zero clarify but I fear he’ll shut down once again and unfairly point fingers at me. Oh yeah, and I still am very much attracted to him, but unless he learned to communicate, could never see a future. 

I’m so confused on what to do! Do I say something? Do I act cheerful and stupid and not try to force this 32 year old grown man to have basic communication? Do I reach out to him occasionally to say hello or do I let him do the reaching out?

Please help!

– Confused 

DEAR CONFUSED:Let me ask you something: what’re you hoping to get out of this? An explanation of what happened? Confronting B over this isn’t necessarily going to give you answers you want, nor is it likely to provide you with anything meaningful. You know what happened: you tried to get on the same page as him with regards to your relationship and he freaked out. Clearly he thought you were asking for something, panicked and slammed his fist down on the “relationship self destruct” button. It wasn’t the most logical or reasonable responses to someone trying to just trying to get some clarity, to be sure, but the end results are the same. Now, considering how this seems to happen to you fairly regularly, then it’s entirely possible that the way you have the Defining The Relationship conversation throws dudes off… or it could be that you’re regularly choosing guys who are seriously averse to commitment.

B’s not gonna have the perspective to tell you which it is. For that particular answer, you may want to talk to friends who know you better and be more reliable outside observers.

But that’s for future reference. You want to know what’s going on in the here and now. And the simplest answer is: B’s trying to be cool about the fact that the two of you used to have a nebulous “thing” together and it ended badly. Which, in fairness, is a pretty smart approach. He’s trying to let bygones be bygones and be co-workers without making things awkward or uncomfortable for everyone. He may be trying to avoid making you feel weird about things. Hell, he may be embarrassed about the way things happened between the two of you and is trying to just let it go instead of going over it again. Or he may be trying to give both of you space in order to establish a new status-quo before bringing up events of the past.

And while I understand that you want answers and an explanation… you may just have to accept that you aren’t going to get them. You can’t force someone to relive your past arguments and break-ups in order to get closure or answers. The fact that he may not agree with your need to talk the issue to death doesn’t necessarily mean he’s incapable of basic communication, it may mean he just doesn’t want to. He may simply want to let the past lie and feel there’s no real point in re-litigating what happened. He may feel like an a——hole and would prefer to put it behind him as an ugly part of his maturation process. Or he may feel like he hasn’t done anything wrong and you were being unreasonable… and there may well not be anything you can do to shake that belief.

You may want closure, but you’re going to have to make it yourself.

Meanwhile, the best thing you can do is continue as you are: being polite and friendly. If he starts making noises or motions towards rekindling your relationship, then you can try to parse out what the hell happened between the two of you. If not? Then let it go, make your own closure and let the new relationship be whatever it’s going to be.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)