Millennials, the demographic cohort born between the 1980s and mid-1990s, have a lot on their plate. They're in their prime child-rearing years and their careers are in high gear. Meanwhile, many are still struggling to define their ideal first home.

"It's stunning that the median age of homebuyers has now reached 40, and some are still equivocating about what to buy," says Dorcas Helfant, a past president of the National Association of Realtors, which tracks such trends.

Housing economists say something surprising often happens to millennials after they've had a child or two. They let go of a city-oriented lifestyle near trendy restaurants, pubs and fitness studios in favor of a suburban existence.

Skylar Olsen, a real estate economist, says recent statistics support the view that many millennials surrender their city lifestyles once they reproduce.

"In their homebuying aspirations, millennials are incredibly similar to boomers. After their kids are born, they're equally interested in suburban living. But given high property prices, fulfilling their aspirations is another question," Olsen says.

Of course, there are some differences between the lifestyle patterns of the two generations. These days, young adults typically wait longer to get married and have kids. Also, given high rents, student loan obligations and escalating child care expenses, it takes longer for most millennials to assemble a down payment.

"Young buyers with kids want a detached home. They want a large living space and a three-car garage. But because of cost, townhouses are where many end up," Olsen says.

The trajectory for Olsen and her husband. now with older children, fits the pattern of many from their generation. In their 20s, they lived in an apartment in what she describes as a "hip Seattle neighborhood." But as their children grew, they transitioned to a detached house in a suburban setting on Bainbridge Island, a ferry ride from Seattle. Their current property is more than double the size of the apartment the couple first inhabited in the city and they relish the extra space.

Though many millennials eventually make the predictable transition from city to suburbs once they become parents, real estate specialists stress that suburban living is not for everyone, regardless of their life stage. They advise buyers to carefully ponder their housing moves before investing in any property.

Here are a few pointers for homebuying couples with kids:

-- Begin by envisioning your ideal neighborhood.

Doro Kiley, a certified life coach based in Virginia, who helps clients navigate major transitions. She says that before starting a home search, families should first imagine their dream neighborhood. That should help them get as close as possible to their optimal setting.

"Always begin by thinking about the end product -- what you'd really like as opposed to what you would settle for," Kiley says.

Once you have a clear picture of your ideal neighborhood, begin factoring in such practical realities as your financial limits.

-- Zero in on the ideal property within your preferred neighborhood.

Kiley says both partners should write down their respective visions of a dream house, including home features. They should then share their visions, combining the key elements of both into a single statement.

"In my work, I often come across husbands and wives who start with different visions," Kiley says.

Helfant suggests prospective buyers try to reconcile their differences by distinguishing between "wants" and "needs."

For instance, a couple with school-age children and one parent who needs a home office for remote work might decide that acquiring a place with at least five bedrooms is a genuine "need." But a formal dining room could easily fall to their "want" category.

-- Take commuting distances into account.

As Helfant says, one of the most wrenching trade-offs many families face is between a larger, newer house with a longer commute and a smaller, older place that's closer to work.

Buyers who consider an outer-tier suburb are often driven by the desire for a larger property or what they perceive to be better schools.

"Very often, people pick the outlying suburbs in hopes of finding better schools," Helfant says.

But before you opt for a distant suburb, she strongly recommends you do morning and afternoon rush hour test drives from your target area. This way, you'll know more precisely what sort of traffic to expect should you live there.

As Helfant notes, buyers should disabuse themselves of the notion that the current level of traffic congestion on their path will remain static. The odds are traffic will worsen as the years go on.

-- Question whether you need a huge yard to accommodate your children.

Many parents with young children hang on tightly to the hope their kids will have as large a backyard as they had in their youth. This aspiration can influence them to pick an outlying suburb at the expense of their convenience and commuting time.

But are the trade-offs necessary to acquire a large piece of land always worth it? Not in many cases, says Helfant, noting that these days children often spend much more time in organized athletic and recreational activities than did their parents.

"The reality is that today's kids are super busy," she says.

Relatively few homebuyers make as much use of their large lots as they intended when they bought their place.

"Who's justified in accepting all the sacrifices that come with a long commute to an outlying area? Mostly, it's just those who have serious gardening ambitions or want a horse or two," Helfant says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

The day a 27-year-old law school grad passed the bar exam, her father, a lawyer himself, began pressuring the daughter to buy a house in Maine near her hometown of Van Buren. He even agreed to cover half the cost if she chose the charming Queen Anne-style property he'd picked out for her.

"At just $199,000, I admit this house is a bargain. And I understand why my folks want me to live near them. But living so rural and close to Canada isn't what I have in mind. I want to practice law in a big city like Boston or Philadelphia," the young lawyer says.

At a time when the hurdles to homeownership have never been higher, advocates for buyers agree that lifestyle and career plans should rule when it comes to neighborhood and property selection. That principle applies to making a purchase in expensive markets as well as bargain ones.

"What's the point of winning in a competitive area if you end up owning a house in the wrong place? Errors in selection can be costly, both emotionally and financially," says Mark Nash, a longtime real estate broker and author of "1001 Tips for Buying & Selling a Home."

In prime neighborhoods, competition among rival buyers is still prompting some young homebuying hopefuls to consider properties they would otherwise have ruled out, like homes in rundown condition or those in neighborhoods not to their liking. But real estate experts fear this could one day lead to disappointment if they compromise too much.

Take the case of a bachelor in his mid-30s. By day, he was a banker, and by night he was part of a vibrant social scene near downtown Los Angeles, where he lived in an apartment. But his family looked on disapprovingly, encouraging him to leave the city for a more conventional suburban existence.

"They urged him to settle down and start living that white-picket-fence lifestyle in the suburbs," recalls Nash, formerly the banker's real estate broker.

Capitulating, the banker bought a ranch-style house built in the 1950s. It was the classic detached suburban place on a quiet street in an outlying suburb, with a garage and an ample yard.

But the man was miserable with his choice. A property that would have been perfect for a family proved a poor pick for a man still on the dating circuit.

In despair, the bank manager phoned Nash, announcing his decision to sell the suburban house just two years after buying it.

"The commute was killing him, he scarcely ever saw his friends, and he told me his Saturday nights were more boring than ever," Nash recalls.

Fortunately, the upswing in value on the suburban house allowed the bachelor to invest his equity in a condo-apartment back in the city. But he still regrets the two dull years he spent in the suburbs.

"Before he bought that place in the burbs, I told him to step back and ask if his family had the same vision that he had for himself. Still, he really didn't think through his decision or stand up to his relatives," Nash says.

Nash urges novice buyers --or anyone considering a radical shift in lifestyle -- to be especially cautious when selecting a property.

"Buyers operating outside their comfort zone can easily make a mistaken choice," he says.

Here are a few pointers for buyers:

-- Talk through expectations with family members.

Many novice purchasers, especially those in their 20s and early 30s, accept parental gifts to help realize their homeownership goal.

"Often, there are a lot of strings attached when the family steps in. There are big control issues, and parental influence can lead to bad decisions," Nash says.

He's noticed that some parents, eager to boast that their children live in a prestige neighborhood, will encourage them to buy beyond their self-imposed limits, which can put pressure on their marriages.

Before you accept family help, you need to know if your parents think this gives them veto rights over your home choice, Nash says.

"A heart-to-heart talk can really help you avert this problem before it arises," he says.

-- Ask lots of questions before picking a property.

You should pose plenty of questions about any home you're considering buying and the community where it's situated, according to Jon Boyd, a real estate broker and past president of the National Association of Exclusive Buyer Agents (naeba.org).

"One simple way to judge a neighborhood is to simply take a walk around the community. It's surprising how many clues you can pick up as you walk. Ideally, you'll chat with local residents to gauge their friendliness level," Boyd says.

Area residents could forewarn you about the annoying freight trains that pass through or the jets with flight paths overhead. They can also tell you about unpleasant traffic problems and issues facing the local schools.

-- Slow down the picking process.

Some longtime renters get so keyed up at the idea of homeownership that they rush into the wrong purchase.

"With all this excitement and newness around their plans, they stop thinking straight," Nash says.

To help guard against the tendency to plunge headlong into a purchase -- a temptation that's especially strong for novice buyers -- Nash suggests that first-time buyers look at multiple properties during a shopping tour, even if they fall in love with the first place they see.

"Don't work with any agent who pressures you into thinking that every house you see is a 'home run'. Think for yourself when choosing a place," he says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

On a frosty February day five years ago, a retired Iowa nurse decided to sell her ranch-style house in favor of a condo in sunny central Florida.

But the move proved mistaken. The nurse missed her friends back home. Her taxes and condo fees were higher than expected. What's worse, her property lost value. So, she intends to sell soon and buy a place near her grown son in Des Moines.

"It's a U-turn for my mom. But I'm sure she's making the right decision. Now we're just focused on helping her make a graceful transition," he says.

Gradually declining property values are now a reality in some communities, including in Florida, where condos are experiencing more slippage than detached, single-family properties.

In some cases, the reasons for this gradual valuation declines involve "higher inventory, less migration to the area and sellers overpricing the homes," says Brenden Rendo, a mortgage lender and real estate adviser in Central Florida, in an article by Kiri Blakely on Realtor.com, the online real estate website.

The nurse making the U-turn is determined to avoid the pitfall of overpricing her two-bedroom unit. She's putting a greater emphasis on a speedy sale to hasten her return to Des Moines.

"Sometimes, moving on with your life is more important than getting every last penny out of a deal," the nurse's son says.

All this is not to say that her move back to Iowa from Florida will be easy for the widowed 71-year-old. But her son's unwavering commitment to assist should make a major difference.

Her are a few pointers for those seeking to support elderly parents on a housing move:

-- Respect your parents' attachment to their home.

Some seniors, like those with a history of moving for military work or corporate transfers, find it relatively easy to prepare their homes for sale. But those who've stayed put usually have a harder time letting go of their accumulations.

"Young people are accustomed to casting off possessions when they move. After all, they were raised in a country flooded with cheap imported goods. But their grandparents weren't raised that way," says Joan McLellan Tayler, a longtime California real estate broker.

For seniors, sorting through possessions can be exhausting.

"What's a treasure and what's junk? Separating items into those categories can be tremendously tedious," Tayler says.

But while the adult children of elder parents can be very helpful in a housing transition, Tayler says it's unwise for them to become involved in the sorting and culling process.

"That can result in heated arguments that are painful for all concerned," she says.

Instead, she recommends that senior home sellers engage the help of a professional organizer. One source for referrals is the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (napo.net). For a lesser fee, your parents can likely find an energetic college student or recent grad by posting an online ad.

-- Assure your parents you'll respect their prized possessions.

"Of course, your parents are entitled to keep the most valued parts of their legacy. And it's not up to you to decide what's most important to them," says Diana Gaydon, a real estate broker based in Portland, Oregon.

One way to help smooth the transition for your parents is to guarantee you'll safeguard their valuables during the interim period in which their home is shown to the public.

"For example, you might tell them you'll take those coveted photos they have hanging on the wall and place them in a nice box on your piano until their house is sold," Gaydon says.

-- Show empathy in helping your parents dispose of excess possessions.

Conducting an estate sale to break up a household might sound like a good idea. After all, the professional firm holding the sale will give your parents a percentage of the revenue they bring in.

But the unsentimental manner in which such a sale is conducted could easily hurt your parents' feelings. It can be painful to overhear strangers haggling over the price of items you've owned and valued for decades, Tayler says.

As an alternative, she recommends you ask your parents for the names of their favorite charities and arrange to have their giveaways taken there. (Valuable antiques and art can be sold through a dealer or an online company such as eBay.)

"Donating to a charity you believe in can be a positive experience," Tayler says.

-- Be diplomatic when addressing your parents on needed home updates.

Those who've lived in the same home for a long time are often very comfortable with their decor -- no matter how dated -- and think prospective buyers should feel the same way. But their grown kids typically agree with the listing agent that the home should be updated to more contemporary standards before it goes on the market.

The problem is that you could face a lot of resistance if you try to push your parents into replacing their still-functioning avocado-green refrigerator. Likewise, they might rebuff you if you demand that they have their 25-year-old lavender carpeting torn up and replaced with a neutral beige carpet.

Instead, try quiet reasoning and persuasion in hopes of convincing them to follow your recommendations—and those of their listing agent.

"Never attempt to belittle or shame your parents into the home improvements needed for a successful sale. That can backfire big time," Tayler says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)