Since last December, a couple in their early 40s have been struggling to move from a small urban townhouse to a bigger suburban place near a top-rated high school for their two teenagers. But months later, they’re still empty-handed.
“For one reason or another, all their offers on three houses have fallen through. They’re now exhausted by the process,” says Ashley Richardson, the real estate agent working with the pair.
The couple don’t blame Richardson for their real estate misadventures. Rather, they blame each other for botched tactics that caused them to lose three houses to rival bidders.
Richardson, who’s sold homes through the Long & Foster realty firm since 1993, says that in her experience, couples’ disputes over home-buying strategies are now more intense than ever. They bicker over where to search, what to buy and how much to spend. They also differ on the best coping strategies for the bidding wars that still occur in many cases.
The root of the problem, of course, is that a scarcity of supply continues to push up prices and reduce buying options for purchasers.
“When it comes to any given situation, buyers have very few good choices available to them,” Richardson says.
Current statistics tell the story on the supply/demand imbalance behind the present seller’s market, says Danielle Hale, the chief economist for Realtor.com, the home listing company.
“For those looking to buy, rising home prices and mortgage rates are creating affordability challenges across the board,” Hale says.
During 2021 alone, the median listing price for properties throughout the United States rose 14.2%. Rising prices remain a frustrating point of contention for home-buying couples.
An underlying issue cited repeatedly by economists is high demand for property among young adults of the millennial generation, people born between 1981 and 1996. Meanwhile, the country is not constructing enough replacement properties to meet the needs of newly forming households.
“There’s been a construction shortage of 5.8 million homes over the last decade,” Hale says.
Here are a few pointers for home-buying couples:
-- Abandon the notion that either partner has all the right answers.
Real estate agents often observe battles fought between spouses trying to agree on home selection. And often, amidst the bickering, they hear one partner assert that the other is mistaken in expressing his or her preferences.
“A lot of times, clients don’t realize how stubborn and self-righteous they can get,” says Mark Nash, a long-time broker and author of “1001 Tips for Buying and Selling a Home.”
Nash urges couples planning a purchase to go through a methodical process of setting priorities before they venture into house hunting.
“As a first step, each partner should sit down alone to draft a list of their own wishes in a home. Only then should they get together to create a joint list -- one that reflects the factors most valued by each person,” Nash says.
But what if both spouses are unclear about what they’re seeking in a home? One method of gaining focus is to “go negative.” List all the things you dislike about the place where you now live, then flip these to reveal what you want most.
For instance, suppose you abhor the noise and fumes associated with the traffic that rumbles through your neighborhood. Reverse that and see how important it is that you choose a home on a quiet, dead-end street or a cul-de-sac.
-- Seek an experienced agent to help iron out differences.
Some would-be purchasers, especially those planning to buy in high-cost areas, struggle to reach agreement on how best to allocate their scarce dollars. In such situations, each partner should focus not only on their priorities but also the trade-offs they could accept, says Merrill Ottwein, an experienced Coldwell Banker broker.
“Perhaps the wife thinks their top priority is getting a three-bedroom house with a room for each kid. But he’d rather have a two-bedroom house with a garage large enough for their SUV. When they can’t have both, their real estate agent can help them pick their better trade-off,” he says.
Of course, agents aren’t relationship counselors, and they can’t be expected to resolve irreconcilable differences between partners. But they can help mediate conversations that help couples settle minor disputes.
“A good agent will ask penetrating questions, encouraging the buyers to reach their own conclusions,” Ottwein says.
-- Give yourself ample home-shopping time if your marriage is young.
Obviously, people who’ve been married for many years know a lot more about each other than do those who began living together just a few weeks or months ago. Therefore, newlyweds will need to deliberate longer to ensure that both partners’ views are taken into account when a home is chosen.
“People who’ve just gotten remarried after many years of living alone should be extra wary about misjudging a partner. Your spouse may have developed some very strong predilections through the years,” Ottwein says.
You may need several long conversations, or perhaps even a getaway weekend, to reach agreement on the best housing choice for both of you.
“It’s a whole lot better to hash out your differences before picking a property than to make a choice your partner hates -- which could lead to major quarrels later,” he says.
(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)