DEAR READERS: For those of you having trouble coping with stress and anxiety during this challenging time, Jack Drescher, M.D., respected psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and member of the American Psychoanalytic Association, contacted me offering a resource for emotional health matters related to the coronavirus crisis. For more information, go to psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychoanalysis-unplugged-0. -- LOVE, ABBY
Wife Laughs Off Man's Pleas To End Their Long Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I can't fix. I have been married for 54 years. For the last 20 we have slept in different bedrooms. I get no affection from my wife, and everything has to be her way. We no longer have anything in common except our children and grandchildren who, for the most part, come to me only when they need something.
Over the years, we have drifted apart, and there is no longer anything we enjoy doing together. I have told her many times that for my mental health we should part ways. She laughs and shrugs it off. Basically, to her I am a paycheck.
She thinks we don't have a problem. Her parents lived pretty much the same way. I need someone who will sit with me when we go out to dinner, hold hands in public, have a couple of similar interests, share the same bed, etc.
I have met a woman online who seems to care and who wants to be with me. I haven't followed through, but every time I'm verbally abused, it's pushing me more and more toward her. Help. -- UNHAPPY IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UNHAPPY: Tell your wife you are making an appointment with a licensed marriage and family therapist to discuss your marital situation. It may be the wakeup call she needs to get her to quit laughing and pay attention to the fact that you are seriously unhappy. Ask her to go with you, but if she refuses, follow through and go without her. It may help you emotionally as you disengage from this marriage.
If you do end the marriage, recognize there will have to be a fair distribution of any assets that accumulated and be prepared to discuss your options with more than one lawyer. A word of caution, however: Do NOT immediately rush into a romantic relationship with someone you know only through the internet. It is crucial that you take the necessary time to detoxify and regain your balance after you exit this marriage.
Widower Can't Get Past Breakup of Whirlwind Romance
DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away a year and a few months ago. My parents were married for 38 years.
Dad started a whirlwind romance with a lady about nine months after Mom's death. Their relationship lasted three months, and they were supposed to get married. She blindsided him by breaking the engagement a month before the wedding. The breakup was because she still has feelings for an ex-husband and had nothing to do with my dad.
He keeps talking to her "as a friend," but he is miserable because he's in love with her. Ever since the breakup, she gets nasty and criticizes him about small things. She is not even a good friend.
I want my father to be happy and find someone who will love him. But he continues to call and text this woman, even though it makes him sink deeper into depression every day. He keeps thinking she'll take him back, but I don't see it happening. How can I convince Daddy to cut off all contact with her? -- WHAT'S BEST FOR DAD IN GEORGIA
DEAR WHAT'S BEST: I'm not sure you are the person to do that. It might be better to enlist the aid of a male relative or close friend -- someone who knows what has been going on. Your father might be more receptive to that message if he hears it from a contemporary. If not, he may have to learn his lesson the hard way.
Daughter Planning Her Family Wants To Keep Parents Close
DEAR ABBY: I love my parents. They are thoughtful, intelligent people who supported (even encouraged) me to attend a good school on the East Coast. I now live with my boyfriend in Connecticut, where my job is located. He's 23; I am 22. We would like to start a family within the next five years, but I worry that our children will never see their grandparents on my side.
I grew up with both sets of grandparents nearby. They contributed so much to my personhood and upbringing that being without them would likely have been a detriment. The idea of my parents being strangers to my kids makes me sad and anxious.
I feel so guilty already that I want to be proactive in this. Barring the slim possibility of them moving here from Chicago, how can I help them be active grandparents when the time comes? How can I help my kids love and appreciate my parents as much as I loved my own grandma and grandpa, despite the distance? -- LONGING IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR LONGING: You may be getting ahead of yourself. Slow down. Take things one step at a time. Get married and start planning your family.
Many geographically separated families stay in contact by using video chat, but it's a poor substitute for actual human contact and shared interests. Because this bothers you to the degree that it does, discuss it with your parents. Not knowing the state of their finances or the degree of their freedom to travel, it's hard to guess how involved they may be with your children. However, if you, your boyfriend and they put your heads together, I'm sure you can arrive at a solution.
Longtime Friend's Online Posts Are Cause for Concern
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with "Skip" for a very long time. Our lives have taken us on very different paths. We have always disagreed about certain philosophical issues, but now the divide in our opinions is huge.
Skip makes statements and posts items on social media that, in my opinion, are outrageous. Some of them appear to be merely contrarian. Several other friends have commented about his posts.
I am concerned about Skip because of the extreme nature of his posts, and I think some friends are concerned, too. Skip and I live far away from each other. His family doesn't live near him, so contacting them probably won't help. I am concerned that what I am seeing is beyond a difference of opinion, but I don't know what, if anything, to do about it. Do you have any suggestions? -- JUST POLITICS?
DEAR J.P.: If you are concerned about Skip's mental health, then regardless of his family's lack of geographic proximity, they should be told you are worried about him and why. If you are afraid he might engage in activity in which he could pose a danger to himself or others, notify the authorities. However, if this is simply a matter of being at opposite ends of the political spectrum, it may be time to snooze Skip's posts or block him entirely.
Obnoxious Drunk Is Off Guest List to His Friend's Wedding
DEAR ABBY: My fiance has a friend who is, for lack of a better word, a train wreck. When I started dating my fiance, I heard about this guy, "Al," from my fiance's other friends even before I met him.
The group of friends has an on-again, off-again relationship with Al, and he has made a scene at each of their weddings. He has gotten obnoxiously drunk, gotten into huge arguments with his girlfriend (now wife), or done something rude like bring his own fast food to the head table at the reception. I tried to keep an open mind when I met him, but he has made us uncomfortable at every get-together.
We recently attended Al's wedding, and he became aggressive with my fiance after drinking too much. We have now decided we don't want him or his new wife at our wedding next year. We hoped to just drift away from them. Unfortunately, Al has realized that he hasn't received a Save the Date and repeatedly texts my fiance that he wants to "go out" with him to talk.
We know he's going to ask about his invite, and he'll probably expect one because he invited us to his wedding. Are we justified in excluding him? How would you handle this? -- TOUGH SPOT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TOUGH SPOT: Your fiance should handle it by giving Al a straight answer. He doesn't have to see him. A phone call will do. Your fiance should state clearly that Al isn't being invited to the wedding because he can't hold his liquor and has made a scene at each wedding he has attended. He should also be told that until he gets help for his alcohol problem, the two of you no longer wish to maintain the friendship. It's the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Wife Blames Herself for Husband Being Disinherited
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Howard," and I have been married 42 years. A couple of years ago, his father asked me to divorce Howard, which I did not do. His father died recently, and we learned he had disinherited Howard. My husband is crushed, and now I don't know how to handle this.
Howard's brother yelled at my husband and said, "If your wife got her hands on that money, you would not see a penny of it!" I don't understand why he would think that. Howard and I have a good relationship and do not live above our means.
That said, my husband's brother and sister have never liked me, and I do not understand why. I have never done anything intentionally to harm them.
I feel like the bottom line is, had I divorced Howard when his father asked me to, this might not have happened. My husband is hurt, not only by his father's death, but also by being disinherited, and I do not know what to do. -- HURTING FOR HIM
DEAR HURTING FOR HIM: The one thing you should NOT do is blame yourself for any of this. The only "winner" in this scenario appears to be the brother. Whether he poisoned your father-in-law's perception of you or vice-versa, I cannot guess. But the dynamics in Howard's family are so toxic, it may take the help of a licensed therapist to cleanse the wounds you and your husband are left with. The slightly tarnished silver lining in this is you have each other, which is more precious than money. Please accept my deepest sympathy.