DEAR ABBY: Thank you for responding to "Crystal in Nevada's" June 7 question about her aunt and her aunt's baby who was stillborn. Few people talk openly about pregnancy loss, yet I worry your response might discourage parents from remembering their children out loud, for fear it might seem too morbid for others.
My daughter, Evelyn, was born at 21 weeks gestation and died at birth. She would turn 7 this fall. I think about her every day. In the wake of her death, I sought help from a pastor, and I also belong to a support group.
Every year on her birthday, my spouse and I put a birthday candle on a cake or a stack of pancakes or a tiny cookie. This is important to us, and this is how we remember her. I wonder if this is "truly sad." How ought we remember her? She was real to us.
People remember anniversaries around grief in different ways, and we should be cautious about judging what is and is not appropriate. If a person's grief gets in the way of everyday living, then she or he should seek counseling. But a person acting out their grief on the anniversary of a loss should evoke our empathy rather than judgment. I hope Crystal's aunt knows there is a whole sisterhood/brotherhood out here who will remember her baby with her. -- ADRIANNE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ADRIANNE: I'm glad you wrote. I appreciate your reminding me that there are many ways to grieve. If it brings comfort to those who have suffered a loss, no judgment should be passed. I apologize to any and all grieving parents who were affected by my answer because it's clear that my response caused hurt feelings, and for that I am truly sorry.Read more in: Death