DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I would like to add my prayer of thanks to those men and women who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace.
Woman Sees Herself as Abuser After Couple's Stormy Breakups
DEAR ABBY: After reading some of your columns concerning abusive, controlling relationships, I realize that I am in one, but not in the way you assume. I am the abuser.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Most of the time it's great -- we have similar interests, and we're both not afraid to speak our minds, which makes our playful debates fun. Our downfall, which has caused two breakups, is my temper.
I have an explosive, flash temper. When he does something I dislike, such as hang out with a female friend, stay out late drinking, talk about things I find annoying or insensitive, I go on a rampage. I say heartless things, threaten to leave him and do everything in my power to make him feel guilty.
As soon as I get a few minutes to gather my thoughts and cool down, I realize how out of control I have become, and I profusely attempt to apologize and make up for it. But the damage is already done. I have concluded that I am a major part of the problem, and I am desperately trying to change my ways: I think before I speak, assess before I assume, and try to ask polite questions rather than blindly accuse.
I love him, I truly do. Recently he has told me he wants to help me work on my temper and emotional issues in the hope of strengthening our relationship and becoming more serious. But is staying with him really the right thing to do if I only seem to cause him so much grief? -- SORRY IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SORRY: Recognizing that you have a problem was an important first step. Staying with your boyfriend is the right thing to do IF you are willing to get professional help so you can understand why you lose your temper, and gain the tools to control it.
Regardless of whether this relationship leads to marriage, it is crucial that you learn to control your behavior because, if you have children in the future, the inability to do so could be devastating to them. You can't unring the bell.
Only Child With Four Parents Frets About End-of-Life Planning
DEAR ABBY: I want to ask my parents -- my mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad -- if they have planned for their deaths. I know this may seem weird, but after my grandfather died, all of them kept saying how relieved they were that he was able to make all of his own arrangements.
I know funerals are expensive, and since I am an only child and have so many parents, this worries me. How can I bring this up? Can you help? -- LOOKING AHEAD
DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: A way to raise the subject would be to refer to your grandfather's death and the comments your parents made afterward. Then ask what arrangements they have made regarding advance directives for health care, funerals, cremation, etc.
It's always wise to plan ahead and put one's wishes in writing, and if you are an adult, you should also do this. If you have already put your wishes in writing, you could start the conversation by informing them -- and then ask what their plans are.
Man's Long Fingernails Are Touchy Subject for Girlfriend
DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old widow and recently started dating a 66-year-old man. I really like him and enjoy his company. However, one thing about him drives me up a wall. He has long fingernails on both hands. He is neat and tidy and otherwise well groomed. I am quite sure he is not a coke user (which some have suggested could be the reason).
He has told me his hobby is guitar playing, but for that I'd think he would only need a few long nails. I feel I don't know him well enough to ask why he keeps them so long or tell him how much this creeps me out. How would you suggest I bring this up to him? -- DIANNE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR DIANNE: The gentleman's hobby may be guitar playing, but in order for him to form the chords he strums, his nails on one hand would have to be short. I can't think of a nice way to tell someone his nails "creep you out." However, I don't think it would be out of line to ask why he wears his nails as long as he does, and let him explain it to you.
DEAR ABBY: Ever since my bratty stepsister came into the picture, I feel like I get less attention than her. Just because her parents are not together doesn't mean she's so much more special than me that it's OK for her to be mean to me without getting in trouble.
When I yell at her and tell her to stop, she hisses at me like a cat and throws a fit and says she wants to go home. I'm not a psychologist, but I don't think this is normal. What do you think I should do? -- STEPSISTER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR STEPSISTER: For a moment, put yourself in her shoes. Her parents' marriage broke apart, and one of them left and has made a new life with a new family. It's possible that she's afraid you have "replaced her" in that parent's affections. That's a pretty painful thought, and she may blame you even though it is not your fault.
Talk privately to your parents about this. Ask them if they can reassure her so she won't take her hurt feelings out on you. And one more thing: Stop yelling! Yelling only escalates the situation; it doesn't solve anything.
Diner Questions Protocol When Restaurant Meal Is Inedible
DEAR ABBY: Millions of dollars (and tons of food) are wasted when restaurants serve poor quality food or it hasn't been properly prepared. What is the protocol if you are unhappy with your order? Should you leave it sitting and hope they will ask for a comment? Say nothing and take it home as expensive dog food? Speak up and hope for improvement for the next person? Pay, but don't return again? Now you've wasted your money, they've thrown away the uneaten food, and you're still hungry. Is there a solution for this problem? -- JOYCE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR JOYCE: If you are unhappy with how the food you ordered tastes, call the server over, explain what you think is wrong with it and send it back. A smart restaurant manager will replace it. If it's not the policy at that restaurant, do not return.
Teen's Friendship With Older Man Draws Fire From Parents
DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old daughter, a junior in high school, is still living at home. She has befriended a 51-year-old man at her first job (a burger place). We have told her that although she is kind to be friendly with him at work, we feel it's inappropriate to do things with him outside of work. She's now upset with us and claims we "don't understand," "nothing romantic is going on" and she thinks of him like a "second father."
Although they have not gotten together yet outside of work, she announced last weekend that she was going to meet him for lunch. We put our foot down and told her no way, and she was forbidden to borrow either of our vehicles to go. (She doesn't have her own car yet.) She relented, but how can we convince her that this is a bad idea with the world the way it is nowadays?
I have suggested to her father (with whom my daughter has a close relationship) that he speak to this man one on one. My husband feels this is something she has to learn for herself. She's very naive. What do you think? -- MOM OF A TEEN
DEAR MOM: Frankly, I think your husband is right. While you may wish to protect your daughter, she's an adult now. People learn more life lessons from experience than they do from lectures.
DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and having some big bully blues. There is one girl in my class who steals friends. She's been taking mine. Any advice? -- BULLIED IN GEORGIA
DEAR BULLIED: Yes, I do. This may not be bullying in the physical sense, but losing a friend can be painful.
It is important that you realize that people aren't inanimate objects that can be "owned" or "stolen." Much as we might wish it, relationships do not always stay the same. Friendships can be stronger at times and weaker at others, and people sometimes drift from one close friendship to another.
When this happens, regard it as an opportunity, because that's what it is. It's a chance for you to get involved in activities that will expose you to new people and offer you a way to make NEW friends.
Home-Cooked Meal Is Perfect Payback for a Dinner Out
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine and his wife invited me out to dinner and I graciously thanked them. They are both employed. I live strictly on Social Security and pay 30 percent of my income for rent, barely making ends meet.
I wanted to reciprocate, so I invited them over for a home-cooked meal. My friend came, but his wife is shy and didn't come. (I had a couple of other friends over.)
If someone wants to reciprocate being taken out for dinner, isn't it acceptable to invite them over for a home-cooked meal or must they be taken out? -- TENTATIVE HOST IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR TENTATIVE: No rule of etiquette dictates that you must take your guests out to dinner. Inviting them for a home-cooked meal was both gracious and appropriate.