Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
Traveler's Joy Is Diminished by Sister's Endless Teasing
DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman who raised three kids on one average income. They are all grown and on their own now. I still save and have a tight budget, but now I can spend some money on travel. I have opportunities to travel with friends and do it as often as I can afford.
The problem is my brother-in-law and sister love to tease, and they tell everyone that I'm "the rich sister." Abby, I am far from rich. I have asked them both to stop and told them their teasing hurts my feelings -- that I simply choose to spend my money differently than they do.
Our relationship has now become very strained. I have only one sister and would like to be close to her, but I can't laugh off their teasing any longer. -- HURT TRAVELER
DEAR HURT TRAVELER: When people persist in doing -- or saying -- something after being told it's hurtful, one has to wonder if it's not about humor at all. I suspect that your sister and her husband are somewhat jealous over the friendships you have and the adventures you are enjoying.
You might be subjected to this less if you become more close-mouthed about what you're doing and where you're going. Give it a try. But if the "teasing" continues, tell "Sissy" she's going to be seeing a lot less of you and then follow through.
Suspicion Of Infidelity Adds Angst To Marriage Whose Fire Has Gone Out
DEAR ABBY: I've been with my second husband for almost five years, married for two. After a year, we became more like roommates than spouses. At one point I caught him kissing a mutual friend in our bathroom. When I confronted them, they assured me it was innocent. Her husband has now confirmed his suspicions with me that something was going on, but there was never any solid proof.
My husband enjoys my company, but the lack of affection and my continued suspicion are affecting my self-esteem. The other day I asked him why he married me, and he answered because I was "nice." He refuses to go to counseling and said he doesn't want a divorce.
I feel like an idiot, but I just don't want to leave. What is wrong with me? What should I do? -- IN LIMBO IN WASHINGTON
DEAR IN LIMBO: You will find the answers you need as soon as you decide that, regardless of whether your husband is willing to go to counseling, it's time for you to go. Having already caught him in a compromising position, you have every right to be suspicious. There's nothing wrong with you -- except perhaps that you are too "nice."
You are going to have to decide if living like brother and sister is an arrangement you are willing to live with forever because the relationship you have described isn't a normal marriage, and the longer it continues, the worse you will feel about yourself.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to know why people say, "Oh, you have a new hairdo," and then never say if it is good or bad. Or, "You have new curtains or new flooring," and then never say another word. Why do they just say nothing? -- CURIOUS IN COLORADO
DEAR CURIOUS: Perhaps because people often notice change before making up their minds whether they think it's positive or negative, and they are speaking to you without a filter.
CLANDESTINE FAMILY AFFAIR NEEDS COMPLETE CONFESSION
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my daughter has been having an affair with her sister's husband. This will tear our family apart. It will also have a huge impact on my grandchildren.
I have not yet told my wife, who will be devastated, but I'm having trouble carrying this burden alone. I feel they should be held accountable. Should I look the other way, or make them responsible for their actions, knowing the hell it will create? -- STRESSING IN THE USA
DEAR STRESSING: What an unfortunate mess. Please do not assume that you are responsible for any damage that may result from this affair. Because you know about it, it's logical to assume that it's only a matter of time until others find out what has been going on.
That's why you should talk to your daughter. Tell her you know about the affair and will now have to inform her sister, who deserves to know that her marriage is in serious trouble and why. If you do, it may save the marriage.
Party Guest Is Put Out When Asked To Help Clean Up
DEAR ABBY: In the past few months I have gone to different parties for friends from my church group. I always go to the celebrations eager to meet and chat with people I haven't seen in years.
However, one thing bothers me about these get-togethers. Toward the middle of the event, I often get approached by the host who will ask me to assist with a certain task such as setting up the table, clearing or even doing the dishes. No one else is ever asked to help.
I was raised in a family that emphasized good manners and to always be willing to help a friend. But in these situations I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to refuse my host and I was invited as a "guest."
Isn't it rude for a host to ask a guest to help clean? If so, what would be the appropriate response? -- INFRINGED UPON IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR INFRINGED UPON: Whether it's presumptuous to ask depends upon how close the host is to the guest being asked to lend a hand. Some people would consider it a compliment; however, if you're not close, it is presumptuous. And if you prefer not to be recruited, all you have to say is, "I'd rather not."
DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and no Thanksgiving would be complete without my sharing the traditional prayer penned by my dear mother:
Oh, Heavenly Father,
We thank Thee for food and remember the hungry.
We thank Thee for health and remember the sick.
We thank Thee for friends and remember the friendless.
We thank Thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.
May these remembrances stir us to service,
That Thy gifts to us may be used for others.
Amen.
Have a safe and happy celebration, everyone! -- Love, ABBY
Little Thefts From Garden Add Up to Big Annoyance
DEAR ABBY: I live in a 55-and-older mobile home park. Because my coach isn't huge, I have a nice little backyard where I have a small vegetable garden and a lovely lemon tree.
One day while I was tending my garden, the woman who lives behind me came over to say hello and admire my vegetables. When she saw I have Swiss chard growing, she exclaimed, "Oh, I will have to pick some because my daughter loves it!"
I was dumbfounded. She has room to plant her own little garden, but never does. She has helped herself to lemons, too. When I saw her doing it, I was again too shocked to say anything. She doesn't ask; she just helps herself.
What do I say at times like these? We live so close and there are no fences ... yet. -- FUMING IN VISTA, CALIF.
DEAR FUMING: Unless you are willing to draw the line, your neighbor will continue to assume that silence is consent. So pay the woman a visit, and tell her you would prefer that she ask permission before helping herself to anything in your garden. And if that doesn't stop her, make installing that fence a priority.
Leap From Paper To Email For Condolences Is Hard
DEAR ABBY: Nowadays, I'm learning about the deaths of family members and friends by email, and I'm uncertain how to respond. I always send thoughtful, personal handwritten notes of condolence. But how best to acknowledge or respond to the email?
It seems wrong to ignore it in favor of sending a letter via the Postal Service, because my message will take a while to reach the bereaved. But it also seems wrong to say, "Oh, so sad to hear the news" in an email, as if that was the sum total of my thoughts. What to do? -- CARING OUT WEST
DEAR CARING: Here's what I do. I pick up the phone and call the person who sent the email, or a member of the family that suffered the loss. I express my sympathy and find out the details -- such as where and when the funeral or memorial will be held, and if I can send flowers or make a donation. Then I write the condolence note.
Chatty Wife Puts Husband On Hold When He Comes Home From Work
DEAR ABBY: When I come home from work, errands or whatever, my wife is often on the phone. I find it rude that she won't put the phone down for a moment to say hello and, if the call needs to be returned, tell me briefly what it's about. Is that unreasonable?
My wife walks into another room with no explanation, never straying from the call, and continues talking for another 10 or 20 minutes. What do you think of this? -- CRAVING ATTENTION IN COLORADO
DEAR CRAVING: I agree that it would be more loving if she acknowledged your presence with a smile and a "Hi, Honey -- I'll be off the phone in a few minutes." However, for you to expect her to report who she's talking to and what they have been discussing seems not only nosy on your part, but could be considered controlling.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.