Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Elderly Mom's Messy House Reflects Clutter in Her Mind
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Time to Move On" was right on! Her statement, "Remember the real clutter is IN HER HEAD," sums up my 20 years of observing chronically disorganized people.
I have come to the conclusion that disorganization is always a symptom of something else going on in the disorganized person's life. From hidden health problems to grief over the loss of a loved one, from political sniping at work to power struggles at home, and from a sense of helplessness, the amount, quantity and -- would you believe? -- the shape of the mess signifies what is really going on. Sometimes it's relatively simple, but many times it requires treatment at the root, not just a straightening up of the "symptom."
Many beginning organizers call me for advice, and I always caution them to take classes in psychology, and then refer difficult cases to a therapist or counselor. Much harm can be done by untrained people who don't understand why people "experience panic attacks as I peel away ... clutter" (to paraphrase from "Time to Move On").
Please tell any of your readers who may be disorganized that the clutter won't budge until the underlying reason for it is discovered. -- LIZ THE ORGANIZER IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR LIZ: You said a mouthful! However, not all of the mail I have received was supportive of "Time to Move On." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I can understand the distress of "Distraught Husband" who has to live along with his wife's mess, but I am not sympathetic when "Time to Move On" describes tackling her mother's house and its "three decades of clutter." Why would a daughter put an elderly woman through panic attacks to satisfy her own sense of orderliness?
My mom acknowledges her obsession with keeping five-plus decades of items. Her house is stuffed with objects, making most of the rooms unlivable. But as long as she's comfortable and safe, has her garden to putter in, and her countless unfinished craft projects to return to when she wishes -- who is the clutter harming?
We tried to tackle some of the clutter when my dad was alive. We kids, all adult, finally decided that our mother's remaining years need not be made more difficult by clearing out the house, and we would not raise her blood pressure or endanger her health by doing it over her objections. We'll have plenty of time to do it when she's no longer with us. -- THE THREE KIDS, OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR KIDS: Since your attempts to make your mother's house more "livable" endangered her health, you were probably right to stop. However, you "kids" would have been well advised to alert your mother's physician about what was going on, because he or she could have been helpful. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Time" told how she "uncluttered" her mother's house and said it was not appreciated by her mother. Abby, there is a very good chance that her mother suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and that's the reason she found the uncluttering so distressful. A trained therapist and medication might be just what the mother needs. -- OCD PATIENT, LEHIGH VALLEY, PA.
DEAR OCD PATIENT: That's helpful advice. Hoarding can become an addiction, like alcohol and drugs. It's a problem that is resolvable, but only if the person is willing to admit to the problem and do something about it.
Claims for Health Insurance Frustrate Everyone Involved
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Frustrated Doc, Utica, N.Y." who's looking for some explanation as to "why insurance companies employ people to handle claims in subjects about which they are not knowledgeable." As a fellow physician and medical director for Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota, our state's oldest and largest health plan, I believe I can offer some insight.
For starters, customer service representatives for health insurance companies do not make medical policy decisions; however, as the first point of contact for health-care consumers, they often answer questions about plan benefits. In addition, customer service representatives navigate what is often a complex health-care system. For this, they should be commended.
To address "Frustrated Doc's" concerns about who makes policy decisions for a health plan, let me briefly explain the process: At Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota, as is the case at many health plans across the country, decisions about what is covered or not covered are made by a panel of physicians and health-care experts. Decisions are based on solid, reliable, peer-reviewed, published medical research results.
Health plans are committed to paying for treatments that have been rigorously proven for their safety, efficacy and reliability. New treatments that have been tested only on a few patients at one academic institution shouldn't be covered until much more study is done. Fen/phen is a classic example of well-intentioned, but poorly researched medical therapy that, when unleashed prematurely, can have profoundly devastating effects.
If patients are not satisfied with decisions regarding specific treatments, I would encourage them to appeal the decisions through their health plans. Customer service representatives can provide information about the appeals process. -- JAMES WOODBURN, M.D., MEDICAL DIRECTOR, BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD OF MINNESOTA
DEAR DR. WOODBURN: Thank you for taking the time to address the concerns of "Frustrated Doc in Utica." Although I heard from many claims administrators, nurses and patients, you are the only insurance executive who responded to the question. Please read on for a slightly different perspective:
DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from "Frustrated Doc"? As a pharmacist, I see the medical profession developing a new dimension -- generating reports and filling out insurance forms. Often attention is diverted to completion of a form. Believe me, there is nothing uniform in claims submission. Imagine 31 ways of submitting a claim for a prescription. (Or suturing a finger and completing a claims report.)
On Dec. 31, 1998, PCS (a prescription card) canceled all prescription coverage for federal employees for one day. I could fill a thick book with similar experiences.
Perhaps the next time your readers have a prescription filled, they will understand why the pharmacist has his attention centered on an insurance claim, or the reason you see six to 10 people in a doctor's office struggling with claims.
Members of the medical profession would be happy to spend their time working with patients and skip the insurance claims -- but we have families to feed.
If you can get this message to one insurance company or HMO, my time will have been justified in writing this. -- ARTHUR BOHLMANN, R.PH., HOOKER, OKLA.
DEAR ARTHUR: You have presented a compelling argument for standardized claim forms throughout the health-care industry. If they existed, what is now a tedious effort could be simplified -- saving many hours of duplicated effort, as well as the equivalent cost in dollars.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Property Becomes the Weapon When Couple Battles to Split
DEAR ABBY: You were 100 percent right when you advised "Old-Fashioned Southern Lady" to get a prenuptial agreement. Permit me to share my experience.
My now ex-husband exploded when I suggested a prenuptial agreement. I was a single mother of two, owned my own home and was completely independent. He was coming into the marriage after living at home with his parents, with nothing to his name other than his boat and truck. I bought the part about "not loving him enough" and "you don't trust me."
I wound up having to buy my own home back from him. I was in exactly the same place I was prior to the marriage -- only with a smaller bank account.
I have finally determined that love and property have nothing to do with each other. Please tell "Old-Fashioned" that when and if her marriage ever comes to a parting of the ways, all the love in the world, be it now or then, has nothing whatsoever to do with her property. When tempers and emotions are flaring, hurting the other party becomes the only thing that matters, and that's where the property comes in.
I hope, by the grace of God, that "Old-Fashioned's" marriage will flourish and she will never have to look at the prenuptial agreement again. But if and when she might need to, I promise she'll be glad she did the deed. -- POORER AND WISER IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR POORER AND WISER: You learned an expensive lesson, and no one could argue with your conclusion.
I suspect the reason most people are reluctant to ask for a prenuptial agreement is insecurity or lack of assertiveness. And that's no way to enter a partnership.
DEAR ABBY: Titles and forms of address are confusing. How should a letter be addressed when the husband is a medical doctor and the wife has a Ph.D.?
Another son is a lawyer; his wife is a medical doctor. How should a letter be addressed to the two of them? -- HOWARD STREIM, TRUMBULL, CONN.
DEAR HOWARD: Stay with me on this: According to "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette," the envelopes should be addressed this way:
The Doctors Streim, Drs. Sally and Howard Streim, or Dr. Sally Jones and Dr. Howard Streim.
If only the husband is a doctor, it's Dr. and Mrs. Howard Streim, or Dr. Howard Streim and Ms. Sally Jones.
If the wife is a doctor and he is a lawyer, the envelope should be addressed to: Dr. Sally Jones and Howard Jones, Esq. (Esq. or Esquire is from British law and indicates the person is a lawyer.)
DEAR ABBY: Your story about the husband who was asked whether he would save his wife or his mother if they were both drowning reminded me of a charming old tale about the queen and the courtier. The queen, a beautiful lady-in-waiting and the courtier were boating. The queen asked him which of them he would save if the boat capsized. He replied, "But madam swims so well!" -- JOHN TOMASIN, ESQ., WEST NEW YORK, N.J.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)