DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach in a large high school, and two of my fellow teachers have now suffered the tragic loss of a family member. In one case, the father of my colleague did not have life insurance, and the cost of undertaking services fell on his shoulders. The staff took up a collection to which I was happy to contribute.
Then another teacher lost an unborn child very late in the pregnancy. Of course, my heart went out to this family. Again, we took up a collection to buy gift cards for things the family may need.
That family was deeply saddened, but in no financial crisis. In my day, we might collect for flowers or a tree that the family could plant in memory. If we were close to a family suffering a loss, we would take over a meal, so the gift cards may substitute for that meal.
We all were upset by the loss, but is a monetary gift appropriate? I am uncomfortable with this to the point that I don't want my personal losses shared in fear that any loss might be met with a financial gift. No amount of money can replace a loved one.
GENTLE READER: No, but people often don't know what to say or do when tragedy strikes, and the first colleague's financial situation gave the staff a specific purpose for their donations. Unfortunately, that set a precedent.
You could lead a movement away from automatic public solicitations, regardless of financial circumstances, by initiating a gift of food or flowers the next time tragedy strikes.
Miss Manners sincerely hopes that no one believes a financial reward is payment for grief -- even if wayward lawyers would often have you believe so.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)