DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Sooo I’m just throwing this out here prob won’t get featured anyway since it’s such a specific scenario but whatever.
I am on the spectrum and dating is just not happening for me. I’m pretty f--king clueless when it comes to all the subtleties that occur in social encounters and dating ones are some of the most insane when it comes to that. Improvement in that is a dead end for me. I used to crutch a bit with my looks to get the door open as I used to look pretty good back in the day but now that I’m getting older that route is also closed.
There is like no avenue for me to explore. Looks would only get the door open at most anyway , and I don’t have the money to regain the past glory. Besides social skills are a genetic dead end for me. Improvement there just doesn’t happen. Wish it did but alas.
I will never be able to properly socialize, I will always be seen as weird it’s literally how my brain is made up. People think my facial expressions are weird, they always get wrong vibes. They don’t get what I’m saying, I don’t get what they’re saying. It’s useless. How are you ever supposed to feel good about yourself as in “people would like to date me” when literally every time you go outside the fact that you are fundamentally different from 98% of the population is reinforced in a negative way?
The funny part is the thing you always tell guys who obsess over their appearance is something I’ve noticed myself. Looks at most get the door open but that’s it it’s not the defining factor or anything.
I used to look pretty decent before I turned into an aging baldling from Narnia and actually got a decent amount of attention from girls but I could never do anything with it because I just don’t understand girls honestly they’re so social and weird I don’t get it.
So I ask you, what should I do? There is no improvement on the social front it’s hardcapped by s--t life rng. You say looks are only a small part and I kind of agree but what then. I am lost I’ve asked everywhere from regular people to supposed psychological professionals and I’ve never in my life gotten an answer that I can work with. So I guess I try this as a longshot as someone who has my problems but does not want to be alone what can I do?
Hard mode: don’t recommend therapy like literally every other person.
Bad Brain No Biscuit
DEAR BAD BRAIN NO BISCUIT: Y’know, there’s the part of me that’s really tempted to just reply to this with “well, not with that attitude” and call it a day. And honestly, this really is a matter of attitude. You’ve rolled in here full of piss and vinegar and demands to solve a supposedly impossible situation, detailing all the reasons why you’re doomed to die alone and unloved and so what am I going to do about it for you?
Well, like I said: I can do nothing for you. Not with that attitude. That attitude is also why you’re going to have a much harder time finding someone to care about you. Nobody is going to be so invested in a stranger who’s angry at the world in general and at himself and the people he supposedly wants to date in particular and himself specifically that they’re going to want to put in the effort to first break down the walls, then put in enough work that he’d actually believe them when they said they liked him and then put in more work so that maybe, maybe he might actually return their feelings.
So if you sincerely want things to change, then you are going to have to change. And as the hot dog vendor said to the Buddhist monk who paid with a $20 bill: change comes from within.
First step to that change is to get that chip off your shoulder. It’s gotten so large and so dense that it’s collapsed into a singularity and it’s starting to suck your brain out your ear. I understand that you’re frustrated and it’s understandable that you are. But starting from the position of “s--ts f--ked, everything’s impossible, work a miracle for me” isn’t going to get you anywhere. You want things to be better? OK. Take a deep breath, hold it, let it out slowly and then say “maybe things aren’t as hopeless as I thought.” Take another. Say “OK, I’m letting my frustration cut me off from my best self” on the exhale. Take a third. Say “Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. Maybe I can improve,” on that exhale.
If you can’t manage that? Then there’s no point in talking to you. If you can’t accept the possibility that you might be wrong, that these self-limiting beliefs are just that – beliefs – then all you’re doing is demanding that other people give you permission to give up. And you don’t need my permission; you can do that all on your own. I’m not here to be the official stamp on the certificate that you drew up yourself that says “nope, I’m forever f--ked”. That’s gotta be your call.
Here’s the thing: improvement is exactly as much of a dead end as you decide it is. The fact that you’re neurodivergent doesn’t mean you’re incapable of learning social mores. Since I presume you’re not writing this from jail because you did something untoward to a cop or your boss or a random bystander, then we can safely say that you’re wrong. Some subtleties and social cues may be a challenge for you, sure. Some may be harder for you to notice or you may have to consciously think things through to fully grasp, but that’s hardly the same thing as “impossible”. If you haven’t been locked away from society because you’re incapable of following or grasping the basic rules? Then clearly you can learn and implement them.
Similarly, you don’t mention not having any friends or social And if you can learn to follow those, you can learn to follow ones that come with dating. If you can meet people who can “look past” all your supposed “wrongness” as friends, then it’s not really that much of a stretch to find the people who could do the same as a potential partner.
Y’know. Assuming that you could ever let yourself believe them.
I harp on this because your attitude is going to inform how other people will think of you and respond to you. The whole idea of how a first impression creates the filter that people will see you through is very real. If you’re coming into every interaction with the same energy that you’re bringing in your letter, people are going to come away thinking that they want nothing to do with you. It always sounds like woo-woo-feel-good-manifesting bulls--t but there’s a reason why the people who are the most charismatic and charming start from a place of assuming the other person already likes them. It shifts people’s body language, tonality, facial expression, behavior, even word choice in a friendlier, more relaxed and more authentic direction. This primes the other person, especially when they don’t know you, to respond in a similar manner. Set that up at the beginning, and that becomes the lens through which people will see you. Since you can, in fact, set other people’s expectations, then it makes sense to set them to your advantage… especially in a social situation where you may want to be friends or more with this person.
The same applies to being autistic. The big “I’m autistic, I’ve been f--ked by RNJesus” energy all but ensures that new people will hear you and agree with you and respond accordingly.
That’s why a big part of the problem is that you’re framing this in terms of your being autistic as a negative and trying to date in a neurotypical framework. That’s going to work against you. If you’re buying into the idea that being autistic is an automatic disqualifier and singles you out as being unlovable and unf--kable… well, that’s where you’re right. The longer you choose to believe it, the longer you’re going to struggle and the more people you’re going to find who will cheerfully confirm it for you. Especially in the various subreddits you’re hanging out in that’re clearly not doing you any favors.
Look, you’re not neurotypical, so stop trying to date like you are. Sure, there may be times when masking might be required, but there’s a difference between code-switching for professional environments and trying to pretend that you’re something you’re not. Let’s assume that you do manage to date someone… are you going to just mask and try to mimic neurotypicality for the rest of your life with them? Do you honestly think that’s something that a) you will actually need to do and b) could actually accomplish?
You don’t understand what someone’s saying? OK… so ask for clarification. Tell people that you don’t get a lot of nuance or hints and you prefer that people be direct and straightforward with you. S--t, if they need a reference point, tell them that you’re like Drax the Destroyer; you don’t do metaphors. The same goes for them: let them know that if they don’t get what you’re saying or don’t understand you to ask to clarify what you mean.
More importantly though, is that you need to not treat this as some sort of unreasonable request or a grudging acknowledgement of a generational curse, but just a neutral fact about who you are. If you’re rolling into interactions with the idea that you’re already being written off because you’re autistic, then people are going to respond accordingly… especially if you’re coming into the interaction with all of the cheerful bonhomie of Rick Sanchez with the hangover following a week long ether binge. If you’re going to be pre-emptively defensive about being autistic and being cranky over asking for what you need, then people are going to follow your lead.
Instead of framing it as trying to compensate for “social skills being a genetic dead end”, frame it as “here’s how you win with me”. It’s not trying to overcome a handicap, it’s just making the whole interaction smoother for everyone involved. Telling people how best to communicate with you makes it easier for both of you to be understood.
Those two changes in and of themselves will make a massive difference in your social life. Not treating your existence as a net negative for the world, your autism as setting you at a negative on the social meter that you have to fight past to get to neutral and being willing to say “here’s how we can both enjoy and understand each other” will open a s--tload of doors that you’ve been presuming to be closed, locked and bricked over.
That same “stop fighting against it and lean into it instead” applies to things like your looks. You have to be willing to stop shaking your fist and cursing the linear nature of time and instead say “Hey, I can make this work” instead. That means that you don’t treat everything as a problem to solve or to hide and instead make it part of who you are. You’re balding? OK… sounds like a time to go for a close crop cut or even to shave your head if you’ve got the skull shape for it. Skin isn’t as dewy and smooth as it was as a teenager? Add a daily moisturizer to your morning routine, maybe a retinol cream at night. Make sure to drink plenty of water, get good restful sleep and try not to eat too much crap. Your presentation – that is, your grooming, your skin care and overall style – makes far more of a difference than your bone structure.
Now will any of this serve as an instant win? Of course not. Those don’t exist. Even the most fortunate and/or genetically gifted still have to do work. You still have to meet the people who are right for you, who are compatible with you in all the ways that really matter and who you would actually want to spend time with. You need to connect with them and turn that connection from stranger to friend to lover. But right now, you’re cutting yourself off before you even have a chance for other people to think “hey, this guy’s kinda cool!”
Shift the attitude, start leaning into who you actually are instead of who you think you’re “supposed” to be and give people the tools they need to win with you. That’ll go a hell of a lot further to improve your social life than a full head of hair and Cillian Murphy’s cheekbones.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com