DEAR HARRIETTE: My uncle died, and when I asked his daughter, my cousin, if I could have one of his bow ties as a memento of sorts, she refused. She told me that she had already given them to her husband, and there were none left. That sounds crazy to me. My uncle was 90 years old, and he wore bow ties every day. He must have had a hundred of them. She couldn’t spare one? That hurt my feelings. Should I say anything else to her? I know that people get weird when they grieve, but I don’t think it was too much to ask for one of his bow ties. -- Stingy Cousin
DEAR STINGY COUSIN: You are right to recognize that people act strangely when their loved ones die. It is best to practice detachment about the deceased’s belongings because anything else usually leads to hurt feelings. This is much easier said than done, by the way. Your cousin seems overly attached to her father’s belongings. She is clearly in pain.
Give it some time. When you talk to her later on, you may want to mention your desire again. Tell her that you know she gave all of her dad’s bow ties to her husband, but you still long to have one of them. Ask her if it is OK for you to ask her husband to share one with you. If your second request doesn’t snap her out of her selfishness, just let it go. You have the memories of your uncle. That may have to suffice. Do your best to forgive your cousin. One day she may wake up and realize that she is not the only one grieving.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)