DEAR HARRIETTE: In the Dec. 13, 2018, column, “Boyfriend's Daughter Causes Strain in Relationship,” there was a letter from a 28-year-old woman dating a man in his mid-40s. The girlfriend complained about her boyfriend’s 21-year-old daughter changing her mind about becoming a cosmetologist after he had paid for it and her father's continued support of his daughter’s needs. Acknowledging that this was a sensitive situation, I like the way you addressed it by pointing out to the writer that her boyfriend was doing the best he could to care for his daughter, and most important, that he was also trying to do right by her and her child. I had to agree with you that if the girlfriend had stepped in to make comments, it would’ve likely caused conflict.
With your sound advice in mind, I was reminded of a woman I dated. "Natalie" always wanted me to spend time with and do things for her family. When I’d talk about or do things for my family, she would make selfish and ugly comments. Though I would not mention it, many times her comments would upset me and hurt my feelings. What could I have said to her to get her to stop that behavior? -- Writing From Prison
DEAR WRITING FROM PRISON: Thank you for your note and for your support. While spending time in prison, I imagine that you have a lot to think about. It is good that you are using your time constructively to evaluate your life. What you could have done with Natalie is to let her know that you have feelings, too. In a relationship, reciprocity is important. Both partners need to feel heard and respected. Both of your needs must be addressed; otherwise, someone will feel left out. You could have told her that her unkind comments about your family were hurtful and mean, and you could have asked her to stop.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)