Sense & Sensitivity by Harriette Cole

Lack of Libido Puts Strain on Marriage

DEAR HARRIETTE: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I seem to have no libido whatsoever. My husband is mad at me because I have not been interested in sex for years now. He is a good man who hasn’t strayed (yet), but I feel bad because it’s not fair to him. How can I get interest back?

When it first started, we were having serious marital problems, and I didn’t want to be bothered. Now I can’t put my finger on it. I just have no sexual feelings at all. How can I get them back? -- No Libido

DEAR NO LIBIDO: Start by going to your doctor for a checkup. Explain your situation. Ask if there is any medical reason why you have lost interest in sex. Ask if there is anything the doctor can recommend to help you get your desire back. There may be nutritional supplements that you can take to support you.

You may also want to go to a therapist. Especially since this dry spell began due to friction in your marriage, you may have some unresolved issues that you need to address. A psychologist may be able to help you sort through your experiences and feelings to get to the other side. Consider going to a sex therapist -- someone who specializes in helping people to unlock their issues to help them find their way to a healthy sexual life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just received a Facebook message from a guy who used to date my sister back when we were in grade school. We are now in our 50s. This guy wrote to me to say he wants to be in touch with my sister, but he can’t find her on social media. He asked me to help.

I spoke to my sister, and she is completely not interested. She said they haven’t talked for like 40 years, and she has no desire to speak to him now. What do I say to the guy? He has been blowing up my Facebook messenger. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but my sister said no. -- No Rekindling

DEAR NO REKINDLING: As difficult as it may seem, you will have to tell this man that you've passed along his request, and your sister will reach out to him if she decides to do so. You can tell him that she is busy and preoccupied, so you can’t guarantee anything. Do not lead this man into believing that your sister may contact him in the future. You can tell him that your sister does not use social media and generally she has a small network of people in her personal sphere. Perhaps this will help him to not take it personally if she never picks up the phone. Know that this is not your problem. You do not have to hold this man’s hand through the experience. You will have done your job after you spell it out for him once.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)