By Ingrid King

Those of us who consider a pet a member of the family will sooner or later experience the pain of loss, and it can be as devastating as the loss of any loved one.

That doesn't mean you'll get much sympathy from those who don't see pets the way you do.

"Much of society is not aware of the strength of the human-animal bond, so pet loss is often seen as 'disenfranchised loss,' meaning it is not socially recognized," says Joelle Nielsen, a veterinary social worker at The Ohio State University College of Veterinary Medicine.

"For some, the insensitivity of others can be more painful than the grief from the actual loss," says Marty Tousley, a bereavement counselor at Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix. "Most people don't tell someone to go get a new spouse or child within a month of one dying."

Knowing that you're not alone in your grief is important, as is realizing that the loss of a pet is a unique experience for each individual. Factors that play into how the loss is handled include whether the death was sudden or followed a prolonged illness, whether the pet owner had to elect euthanasia, whether it was the first time the person experienced losing a pet, and the person's living situation. Single pet owners for whom the pet was a primary source of emotional support tend to have more difficulty recovering.

Here are some tips to help you cope:

-- Mark the pet's passing with some sort of ritual. Rituals such as memorial services and burial ceremonies are an accepted part of human loss, and can be just as healing after losing a pet. Even something as simple as lighting a candle in your pet's memory can help.

-- Find supportive family and friends. Not everyone will be able to handle your grief. It is important to find people who are comfortable letting you cry, listening while you talk about your pet or just sitting quietly with you.

-- Find a pet-loss hotline or support group. Many veterinary schools offer free pet-loss hotlines staffed with trained volunteers who will listen and offer compassionate support. Pet-loss support groups can also be found through pet cemeteries or crematories, shelters, and veterinary hospitals.

"Pet-loss groups are not the same as group therapy," says Tousley. "Their purpose is to offer a safe, structured place where people bound by the experience of loss can come together."

Numerous online support groups are available 24 hours a day. Both Nielsen and Tousley recommend that pet owners who feel unable to function normally or who feel that they are not progressing in their grief process seek professional help.

-- Allow yourself time to grieve. While it's not healthy to get stuck in your grief, pretending that nothing is wrong is equally unhealthy. "A person's grief is legitimate and real, regardless of anyone else's comments, behavior or opinions," says Tousley. Nielsen adds, "You are not 'crazy' -- what you are experiencing is normal."

The old adage that time heals all wounds applies to pet loss as well. As you work through your grief, you'll find that there will come a day when you'll wake up in the morning and your first thought will not be about how much you miss your pet, but about a happy memory of the time you spent together.

Ingrid King is a member of the Pet Connection staff and the author of "Buckley's Story: Lessons from a Feline Master Teacher."

Q&A

House-training hard

for many small dogs

Q: Our daughter and son-in-law gave us a Yorkie puppy a few months ago. We've never had a tiny dog before, but we're getting older, so smaller is better. We love her, except for one thing: She's not housebroken. We've had dogs all our lives, and never before had one who didn't "get it." We've read on the Internet that this is a problem for small dogs, and that some will never be trained. Please tell us that's not true. My husband will not tolerate keeping a dog in diapers, and I'm tired of cleaning.

A: Small dogs can indeed be difficult to house-train, for a couple of different reasons. One of the major problems is inconsistency on the part of the owner. A Great Dane who isn't house-trained is a much bigger problem than a Yorkie with the same bad behavior. A lot of people with small dogs decide it's just easier to clean up a little mess now and then instead of working on a big training problem.

But little dogs can be house-trained. Toy-breed expert Darlene Arden says you have to start by looking at things from a little dog's point of view.

For example, you have to make sure your dog feels safe in the outdoor spot you've chosen for her. A dog's guard is down during the act of elimination. And when a dog weighs 10 pounds or less, it's important for her to feel she's not going to be attacked. "They feel vulnerable," says Arden. "You need to find that one very safe spot for them." And keep the grass short so the dog doesn't feel as if she's hacking through a jungle, she adds.

Despite the special challenges the small dog presents, Arden says house-training is possible. Once your dog has that safe spot outside, you can teach her to use it with the aid of a schedule, praise and a dedication to consistency.

"Feed on a schedule," says Arden. "You must take your dog out after he eats, after play, after any kind of stimulation. Take a special treat and your happiest voice to the special spot. The moment the puppy's feet hit the ground, get excited." When the deed is done, says Arden, praise to the heavens and deliver the treat.

Limiting a dog's range in the house helps, too. "I'm a firm believer in crate-training -- as a tool, not a punishment," says Arden. "A crate keeps a dog out of trouble when you can't watch him."

Mistakes are part of the learning process and should never be punished. "If you see the dog starting to go in the house, pick him up and run him to that special spot," says Arden, and praise him when he finishes up outside.

Start from the beginning. Clean up past mistakes with an enzymatic cleaner, restrict her range in the house, take her outside and praise her for getting it right. If problems continue, ask your veterinarian for a referral to a behaviorist who can observe your interactions and set up a program just for you and your dog. -- Gina Spadafori

(Do you have a pet question? Send it to petconnection@gmail.com.)

THE BUZZ

Small cats share

stripes with tigers

-- If told to imagine a "typical" cat, you're doing well if you think "tiger-striped." That's because the tabby pattern, with its familiar stripes, is the most common in all of catdom. It's so dominant that even some apparently solid-colored cats can be discovered, on close inspection, to have faint stripes, especially on their heads, legs and tails.

"Tabby" is a general term for striped cats, and tabbies come in many colors and patterns -- more than 40 varieties in all. Red tabbies seem to have a special following and mythology, perhaps because in male cats the red-orange gene is almost always connected with tabby markings, while in females, red-orange cats can be tabbies, tortoiseshells or calicoes.

Tabbies can be further distinguished by differences in the pattern of their stripes. For example, a spotted tabby has gaps in the striping pattern, making the dark color appear as spots. The most recognizable is probably the "mackerel" tabby, with parallel lines placed like the ribs of a fish -- hence the name. All tabby cats carry a special mark in common: an "M" on the top of their heads.

The word "tabby," by the way, is thought to come from "atabi," the name of an ancient silk with a striped pattern.

-- A dog's heart normally beats between 70 to 180 times per minute, with little dogs having a faster heart rate. A puppy will also have a faster pulse -- up to 220 beats per minute. Normal canine body temperature is between 101.5 and 102 degrees Fahrenheit, give or take a degree either way.

-- Dr. Marty Becker and Mikkel Becker

ABOUT PET CONNECTION

Pet Connection is produced by a team of pet-care experts headed by "Good Morning America" and "The Dr. Oz Show" veterinarian Dr. Marty Becker and award-winning journalist Gina Spadafori. The two are also the authors of many best-selling pet-care books. Dr. Becker can also be found at Facebook.com/DrMartyBecker or on Twitter at DrMartyBecker.

All dogs need exercise. All of them. The amount of exercise varies by the type of dog, the shape, the size and the original purpose of the breed or breeds that lurk in the genetic code of a particular dog, but all dogs need something to do.

Bored dogs can be destructive, and you wouldn't believe all the things we veterinarians have surgically removed from the insides of dogs who didn't have anything better to do than eat a doll, a remote control, rocks or a hamper full of dirty underwear.

And it's not just boredom that's the problem. Sedentary dogs can become overweight, which leads to all kinds of health problems. If you want to be a good dog owner, you'll have to have your dog's heart pumping at an aerobic rate on a regular basis. (And watch the portion sizes, too!)

Don't think that getting another dog will automatically solve the problem. While some dogs (typically young ones) will play with one another, most will not do so enough to cut into the exercise deficit. Which means, of course, you now have two dogs who need more time and attention, not just one.

Some dogs need more exercise than most people are willing to give them. These guys are often tagged as "hyper," and you can find a lot of them in the shelters, and that's a shame, since more exercise would have made them much easier to live with -- and time would have settled them down as well.

The truth is that you can settle a "hyper" dog by making sure those exercise needs are met, and it's really not that hard. Our golden retriever, Shakira, is lovingly known as "She-Crazy" for her high levels of energy. You'd think that since we live on a ranch, she'd keep herself exercised, but that's not the case at all. Keeping her healthy falls to me, not only as a veterinarian, of course, but also as the person who keeps the tennis balls flying. For this, I use a Chuckit!, a ball-flinger that has to be one of the best pet care inventions ever. With the Chuckit!, I can exhaust She-Crazy in short order without giving myself a sore throwing arm.

While fetch is a great way to exercise many dogs, not all dogs are that interested in retrieving. For those dogs, a long walk, a trip to the dog park for a meet-up with play buddies, a few miles of biking or a good swim is just the ticket.

If time is a problem, you can fill the exercise gap with doggie day care, a dog-walker or even dog-hikers, who take small groups of dogs out of the city for long hikes. If these businesses don't exist in your area, you might try asking around to see if you can get another dog lover to take your dog out with hers, or a neighbor kid to walk or run your dog.

Just don't neglect your dog's need to move: Staying fit is key to a happy, healthy dog!

Q&A

Tests can help

decode dog mix

Q: We adopted a shelter dog that appears to be just about as mixed as can be imagined. The shelter guessed there was some terrier, but beyond that people have guessed anything from poodle to dachshund to Chihuahua. We're thinking of getting one of those DNA tests done. What do you think?

A: Sounds like you have what my dad used to call a Heinz 57 -- a true-blue, good-ol'-fashioned All-American mutt. Gotta love 'em!

Two of my four dogs are complete mixes, and one I'm pretty sure is a pit bull-Lab cross. Only our golden retriever is of just one breed of dog. Not that any of their breeding matters, because you know we love them all.

As for the DNA tests: I recommend them. From a medical standpoint, the information can be important when you're trying to avoid or deal with certain breed-specific health problems, such as known drug sensitivities in some breeds, or skin problems in others.

From the standpoint of a dog owner, the point of these tests can just be plain fun -- and often very surprising. I decided to use the Mars Wisdom Panel -- one of a couple such tests on the market -- to check out the DNA of the two most mixed of my canine cocktails, Quixote and Quora.

Quixote first. When we adopted him as a little fuzzy brown puppy, we were told he was a mix of papillion, poodle and Yorkshire terrier. The DNA testing told a slightly different story: Quixote is a mix of Chihuahua, Yorkshire and Pomeranian.

Quora, adopted as an adult because she looked enough like Quixote to be related, turned out to be a Pomeranian and Cairn Terrier mix, with a dash of a breed absolutely no one could have guessed, Shar Pei. (Guess her wrinkles came out in the wash.)

While these tests have their skeptics, there's certainly no harm beyond the cost (about $70) in checking out your own dog -- and a fair amount of benefit to be gained. Ask your veterinarian about them. -- Dr. Marty Becker

(Do you have a pet question? Send it to petconnection@gmail.com.)

THE BUZZ

Patience eases re-entry

for post-vet-visit cat

-- A trip to the veterinarian can send a cat into a full-blown snit that can last for hours after the return home. The smells of a veterinary setting can even set off other feline family members, who may become aggressive toward the returnee. Let your cat pick the speed at which he settles back into the household after a trip to the veterinarian. When you get home, put the carrier down in a quiet place, open the carrier door and leave him alone. Your cat may stay in the carrier for a while, may head for the nearest bed to hide under, or may step out and be just fine. To help "de-vet" the scent of the returnee so other family cats will settle down, try running a towel over the cat who stayed behind and then swiping it over the returning cat. The use of Feliway, a synthetic pheromone that's like "Kumbaya" in a bottle, may also help ease the transition.

-- At Arlington National Cemetery, horses still play a ceremonial role in honoring the service and sacrifice of those buried there: They're used to pull caissons bearing the flag-draped caskets of service members and veterans to their final resting spots.

-- Parrots are attracted to the sound of their own voice, or at least one that's similar. A study by the University of California, Irvine, found that female budgerigars prefer mates who sound like themselves. Although the parrots have an ability to imitate other voices, which is often used in the mating process where the male learns to sound like the female, the study shows that female parrots are most attracted to the male if he naturally sounds like her at their first meeting, before any imitation is done. The findings also highlighted the greater help males will give to nesting females if her sound is similar to his. -- Dr. Marty Becker, Mikkel Becker and Ed Murrieta

ABOUT PET CONNECTION

Pet Connection is produced by a team of pet-care experts headed by "Good Morning America" and "The Dr. Oz Show" veterinarian Dr. Marty Becker and award-winning journalist Gina Spadafori. The two are also the authors of many best-selling pet-care books. Dr. Becker can also be found at Facebook.com/DrMartyBecker or on Twitter at DrMartyBecker.

Listen to your head or follow your heart? When it comes to choosing a cat, it's possible to do both, as long as you know what you're getting into.

For many, a kitten is the only choice: A healthy feline baby is nearly irresistible, and the choices are many during "kitten season," which is at its height now. But feline experts say that for many people, saving a cat others pass on -- an older cat, or one with special needs -- can be intensely satisfying on a personal level, and that benefit is one that should not be discounted.

"This is all about what you get for the giving, and sometimes when you choose the cat who's being overlooked, what you get is a really deep bond with that animal," said Bonney Brown, director of the Reno-based Nevada Humane Society. "Many have cared for a cat for a lifetime after what started as an impulse decision to save that pet."

Veterinarians know the appeal of special-needs pets -- often because they adopt such animals themselves.

"A lot of us have this desire to nurture," said Miami veterinarian Dr. Patricia Khuly, a popular blogger and frequent contributor to pet-related publications. "I know there are plenty of veterinarians who advise not to take on a sick pet, but we veterinarians are often the worst at taking our own advice."

Khuly herself has adopted more than a few sick pets, but she also said it's essential to approach choosing any pet with open eyes and a sense of what's involved -- emotionally, practically and financially.

The place to start is with a clear-eyed evaluation of a pet's health and behavior.

An initial read on the health of a cat or kitten isn't difficult, said Khuly. "Eyes clear and bright, devoid of crustiness or secretions. Nostrils clean, nice pink gums, a clean, full coat and ears free of debris. Breathing should be easy and not labored," she said, adding that a kitten should also be able to walk and eat on his own, follow a finger and show interest in his surroundings.

Nevada Humane's Brown said asking shelter staff or rescue volunteers for advice can help narrow the choices. "We ask people to think about what they're looking for. A quiet companion? A playful kitty? Are there children in the house? Other pets? The shelter staff usually knows the animals, and can help you choose one to meet your expectations."

Behavior problems can be more difficult to predict than medical ones, since some cats react so badly to losing their homes that they shut down emotionally. Brown said shelters have tried to help cats maintain their true personalities by trading small cages for large rooms where cats share space, or by increasing the number of volunteer foster homes so cats don't have to stay in the shelter while waiting for a new home.

She also notes that the behavior problem that pushes many to give up on a cat -- house-soiling -- is in many cases cured by the change of scenery. "We often find the problem so specific to the cat's previous environment that the problem doesn't shift from one home to the next," she said.

Brown and Khuly agree that knowing what you're getting into is the key to a successful adoption, whether you're dealing with the craziness of a kitten, the normal readjustment period of a newly adopted adult cat or the special needs of an animal with chronic health problems or behavior issues.

"You need a working relationship with your veterinarian," said Khuly, who stresses this is even more true when considering a special-needs cat.

In the end, of course, the decisions are yours. But when you open your heart to a hard-luck kitty, you may find that the one who benefits most from the relationship is not the cat ... but you.

Q&A

Even if not visible,

fleas can be active

Q: Our bichon mix is always digging at herself and turning her skin into an infected mess. The vet says it's fleas, but we've never seen one on her so we think she's wrong. Do you know what it could be and what will help?

A: In a pet with flea allergy dermatitis (FAD), even one flea bite can cause a cascading reaction of itching, irritation and secondary bacterial infection. Far from being a rare overreaction to fleas, FAD is the most common allergic skin disorder in pets. It's not uncommon for dogs with FAD to have owners who swear they've never seen a flea -- but they're there, regardless.

Your dog's misery is reason enough to work on parasite control, but not the only reason.

Fleas aren't the only parasites that can cause problems to pets and people both. Probably the most dangerous of all the pests is the tick. Ticks can spread Lyme disease, ehrlichiosis, Rocky Mountain spotted fever and babesiosis. Ticks can be as tiny as the period at the end of this sentence, so relying on combing or hand-searching to control them is not effective. Worse, removing them by hand can increase the likelihood they'll transmit disease to your pets.

Given the seriousness of the diseases caused and spread by fleas and ticks, there's no question that prevention is the best course.

In the past, pet owners had to rely on messy, time-consuming and non-environmentally friendly dips, bombs and sprays. Those days are gone with the introduction of topical preventives that repel and kill fleas and ticks. The safety of these products has long been established.

Talk to your veterinarian about the products in your region that work best to control fleas and ticks, for your dog's comfort and safety and yours as well. Once you truly get a handle on fleas in your pet's environment, you can work with your veterinarian to get her itching under control. -- Dr. Marty Becker

(Do you have a pet question? Send it to petconnection@gmail.com.)

THE BUZZ

Pet care volunteer sets

tax-deduction precedent

-- An Oakland, Calif., woman made tax and pet history after she claimed $12,068 in expenses for cat care on her 2004 federal income tax return.

The Wall Street Journal reports that Jan Van Dusen, a volunteer for a cat charity called Fix Our Ferals, had 70 stray and pet cats in her home and claimed these expenses, including food, veterinary bills, litter, a portion of utility bills and miscellaneous items, such as garbage bags and paper towels.

The United States Tax Court allowed her to take a charitable deduction for the expenses, setting a precedent that others will surely follow.

-- The Japanese keep 22 million cats and dogs, a number 30 percent higher than the number of children in Japan under age 15. 

Japan's population has been declining since 2007 and the country is graying, with one of the world's lowest birth rates and highest life expectancies. Children under 15 now make up just 13 percent of the population, while almost one-quarter of Japanese are 65 or older, according to recent demographic data.

Better pet food and veterinary services have allowed dogs and cats to live longer, spawning an industry that ranges from animal diapers and walking aids to 24-hour emergency care and research into pet tissue-engineering. The pet industry in Japan, including pet sales, pet food and other pet products, is worth $17 billion a year, according to the Yano Research Institute. 

-- Approximately 60,000 dogs are being used for tests at medical laboratories in the United States at any given time, according to the Foundation for Biomedical Research, a Washington, D.C., nonprofit that advocates for the ethical use of animals in scientific studies.

Beagles are used most often because they are trusting, good natured and small. The San Francisco Chronicle reported on the Beagle Freedom Project, a San Jose group that rescues lab animals. 

For one beagle, the transition from laboratory subject to pet took about 20 seconds. He tentatively extended a paw, his first foray onto grass. Once out, he looked at the sky and cheering volunteers, and then zeroed in on the dog biscuits. -- Dr. Marty Becker, Mikkel Becker and Ed Murrieta

ABOUT PET CONNECTION

Pet Connection is produced by a team of pet-care experts headed by "Good Morning America" and "The Dr. Oz Show" veterinarian Dr. Marty Becker and award-winning journalist Gina Spadafori. The two are also the authors of many best-selling pet-care books. Dr. Becker can also be found at Facebook.com/DrMartyBecker or on Twitter at DrMartyBecker.