We've come a long way as a society when it comes to recognizing the bond between us and our animal companions. And so, too, in recognizing the grief that accompanies the loss of a pet.

Pet-loss hot lines and support groups are numerous, and it's rare that anyone losing a dog or cat will be told by anyone that it was "just a dog" or "just a cat" and to get over it, already. Some people might still think that way, of course, but a lot more of them know enough to keep their opinions to themselves.

Unless you've lost a pet that isn't seen as quite so "important" by many people - a bird, say, or a rabbit, or an iguana.

I found this out firsthand when my little Senegal parrot, Patrick, died suddenly. Perhaps because I've been writing about pets for so long -- and they are such an important part of my life -- it never occurred to me to belittle anyone's grief over the loss of a pet, even one I might not choose for myself. Sadly, that's not the case with everyone.

Patrick was a joy to me, an affectionate and entertaining companion who kept me company as I wrote by day and watched TV or read with me by night. (OK, so I read; he chewed the pages.) The dogs spend their days on the beds behind my desk, and Patrick spent his on top of the lateral file cabinet at my side, playing quietly, eating nosily and always ready for a head scritch or cuddle.

He came to me with a full load of health problems, self-mutilation most obvious among them. I was his fourth or fifth owner in only three years of life, and he was lucky to have made it even that far. His last owner, frustrated with his health problems and his appearance, had taken him to be put down, but my friend Carla, the veterinarian faced with the task, chose instead to find him a home -- mine.

Patrick made remarkable progress, and after a year looked more like a parrot than a plucked chicken. I never cared about his looks. I saw in him what Carla did when she first met him -- a charming little guy with lots of love to give. He taught me so much, and he made me a true believer: Because of him, I'll never be long without a parrot again.

After he was gone, I realized that even though my friends and family were supportive, some other people I mentioned the loss to thought I was a kook for being upset. I heard plenty of the things I thought people knew better than to say, such as: "Just get another. What's the big deal?" and "Was he valuable?" A couple of people even started into the old Monty Python "Dead Parrot" skit.

Yes, it's funny, but tell me another time, please. And yes, he was "valuable" to me.

I've been writing about pets for nearly two decades, and I've seen so many small cruelties that these thoughtless comments were little more than annoying blips on my radar screen. I considered each slight a chance to educate, gently but firmly. I doubt that anyone who teased me about the loss of my parrot will be doing the same to anyone else.

A bit of kindness and understanding is all that's required, really. And thinking that perhaps there's more of it in the world because of Patrick's death makes looking at his empty cage almost bearable.

PETS ON THE WEB

If the only chicken you ever see is the neatly packaged remains of one in your grocer's meat case, you may be astonished to know that chickens and other poultry can be entertaining and affectionate pets for people who live where they can keep them. And some of these birds are quite beautiful, besides. Oklahoma State University has pulled together information on dozens of domestic birds on its Poultry Breeds Web site (http://www.ansi.okstate.edu/poultry), featuring not only chickens, but also turkeys, geese and ducks. While the focus is on the usefulness of the birds in providing food (one way or the other), the site does mention which birds are mostly "ornamental" -- i.e., kept as pets.

THE SCOOP

Your dog shouldn't be given unsupervised access to tennis balls, no matter how much he likes them. Tennis balls aren't designed to stand up to chewing, and the pieces can easily be swallowed. Even worse, some dogs have managed to compress the balls and then get them lodged in the back of their mouth, a dangerous situation indeed! Hard rubber balls or Kong toys are better for chewing.

For fetch, though, tennis balls are fine. A couple of manufacturers have developed devices to help you avoid picking up a drool-covered tennis ball. These flingers take their inspiration from the game of jai alai and can even help you throw farther. Look for them in pet-supply stores, catalogs and Web sites.

QUESTIONS FROM THE PACK

Q: When my boyfriend and I broke up, he took our Moluccan cockatoo with him. I wasn't very happy about that, but it was his bird before we got together so there wasn't much I could do. I want a bird of my own. But we had a problem with the neighbors (we live in an apartment) because of the noise that Peaches made. Any suggestions for a quieter parrot? -- S.D., via e-mail

A: Parrots are most vocal at dawn and dusk, a pattern of behavior that goes back to the wild, when flock members would reconnect with each other first thing in the morning and last thing before dark. It's a social behavior your bird still needs today, even if the only flock he's reaching out to is you.

While occasional vocalization -- OK, screaming -- is natural, some species are a lot noisier than others and are probably not well-suited to life in an apartment. Primary among these is the sun conure, a drop-dead gorgeous bird with a real clown streak. But, oh, what a loudmouth! I once visited a bird trainer who had a dozens of the most beautiful birds in his care (macaws, cockatoos, eclectus and more). His sun conures made up a small percentage of the total population but a majority of the noise.

That said, so many parrots are loud that it's actually easier to steer you to the quiet ones than to list the noisy ones. While conures of the aratinga genus (such as the sun and jenday) are pretty loud, those in the pyrrhura genus (such as the maroon-bellied, green-cheeked and black-capped) are generally smaller, mellower and quieter. The pionus parrot is another easygoing bird, as is the Senegal.

Finally, don't overlook budgies and cockatiels. These smaller charmers are popular for a reason. They're great pets, at a reasonable price.

Improper training can turn a well-mannered bird into a spoiled screamer, and that's especially true with the umbrella and Moluccan cockatoos, who absolutely hate being apart from their people. Before you buy any bird, be sure to read up on species and on bird behavior. There are many great books, videos, magazines and Web sites to choose from. A good place to start is "The Pet Bird Report" magazine. You can find copies in many reputable bird shops, or call (510) 523-5303 to buy a sample issue. Subscriptions are $24 for six issues by bulk mail, $34 for first class. The PBR comes out six times a year, and some of its content is available on the Web at www.petbirdreport.com.

Q: Please settle an argument for me. My husband is always giving our cat treats, and I tell him it's a bad idea. Who's right? He does the grocery shopping, and those little Pounce treats always seem to end up coming home with him. -- F.C., via e-mail

A: Giving your pet a little something special now and then isn't going to do any great harm. I say that with the following caveats in mind:

-- Keep treats to a minimum. Obviously this is good advice for anyone with an overweight cat. But even if your cat is svelte, you don't want to throw off a balanced diet with too many treats.

-- Stick to what's safe. Food that's heavily spiced or too high in fat can upset your cat's digestion, leading to diarrhea or vomiting. Onions can also lead to severe blood problems in cats and should be avoided in all forms.

-- Realize that you reap what you sow. If you're in the habit of giving your cat tidbits from your plate, you can't complain that your cat's a pest about begging.

We humans tend to confuse food with love, and we extend this idea to our interactions with our animal companions. Remember always that your cat doesn't really need treats. Some better options for interaction include petting, grooming and playing with your cat.

Gina Spadafori is the award-winning author of "Dogs for Dummies," "Cats for Dummies" and "Birds for Dummies." She is also affiliated with the Veterinary Information Network Inc., an international online service for veterinary professionals. Write to her in care of this newspaper, or send e-mail to writetogina(at)spadafori.com.

4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600

Why does the cat who just came in now want to go back out -- and vice versa? Is he just trying to drive you crazy? Of course he is, but there's more to the story.

Cats like to keep an eye on their territory, and if their territory includes a piece of the outdoors, they're going to want to check on it frequently. And after they're out, who's looking after their indoor turf? The cat needs in to check. And check. And check.

And besides, can you honestly say you have better things to do than to serve your cat? Your cat doesn't think so.

If you disagree, then installing a cat door can end your days as door opener. Cat doors aren't just for indoor-outdoor cats, either: Putting one in as a gateway to a screened porch is a great way to give your cat safe access to the smells and sounds of the great (and dangerous) outdoors.

The basic cat door has a flexible plastic flap that opens as your cat pushes on it and seals shut again with gravity -- and sometimes magnets -- to keep the heat, cold and wind out after he's passed through. Although these flaps are fine for warmer climes, they may be a little drafty in areas with more severe winters. More expensive models are available that do a better job at keeping the weather out, so look around. Some folks have also gotten creative in installing the doors. I've known people who've built tunnels with pet doors at both ends to minimize drafts.

If you have problems with neighbor cats coming in, you can find cat doors that work electronically, opening only for those cats wearing a collar with a special battery-operated transmitter -- yours. Stray cats aren't the only animal who can learn to use your cat's door, of course: Raccoons and opossums can too, and so can skunks. The other problem with cat doors is the things your cat can bring through them -- all manner of prey, from small mice to large, angry birds.

The convenience is probably worth it, though. You have a couple of options in installing cat doors. While most people put them in a door, they can also be installed in a wall, and most manufacturers include directions for both. If you have a sliding-glass door, you can buy panels with a pet door built in that fits on the end of the slider.

After you install your cat door, just leave it be for a week or so until your cat takes its presence for granted. (Always remember that cats aren't keen on change.)

To teach your cat to use the door, tape the flap up securely for a few days so that he comes to appreciate the fact that he can conveniently come and go on his own schedule through this magic portal. (And I do mean securely. If your cat gets clobbered by the flap, it takes a long time to coax him near it again.)

Then put the flap down and put a little butter or margarine on the bottom edge of the flap and encourage him with tasty treats and praise from the other side. You can also drag toys on a string through, encouraging him to chase them.

Repeat in very short intervals over the course of several days and your cat will get the hang of it, sure enough. If you have another cat who already knows how to use the cat door, you usually don't need to do anything. Your new cat or kitten will learn from the other cat (or even from your dog, if the pet door is shared).

Once your cat learns, your days of servitude are past. Except for feeding your cat, grooming your cat, petting your cat ...

PETS ON THE WEB

The Westminster Kennel Club dog show is just a dog show the way the Kentucky Derby is just a horse race. Westminster is the only event of its kind with widespread name recognition. Wining there is about as good as it gets for the owners and handlers of the nation's top show dogs -- even despite the most dreadful setup imaginable. If there's a worse place for a dog show than midtown Manhattan in February, it's hard to imagine. The show is Feb. 14 and 15 in Madison Square Garden, but you can get an early preview on the WKC's Web site (www.westminsterkennelclub.org).

THE SCOOP

Don't play tug-of-war with your dog, especially not if you have one of the more protective breeds or mixes. What seems like an innocent game could be a setup for tragedy, because this is one game that can teach your dog to be dominant. Here's how: You play with your dog, pulling against him in a battle of dominance, however playful in appearance. You get bored or the phone rings, and you drop your end. You think: Game's over. Your dog thinks: I win. It's exactly the opposite message your dog should get, and it may lead to other dominance challenges. A better game is fetch, which gives your dog a good workout and reinforces your role as leader.

QUESTIONS FROM THE PACK

Q: The time is right to add a sheltie to our family. We are trying to be careful with our purchase. At first we went to a pet store that had what I fear are puppy-mill pets. We've also been searching the newspaper classified ads since November with no luck. I've also tried searching the Internet.

There is one breeder who seems responsible that I was told is a "backyard breeder." What's wrong with that? I was also given the names of some breeders expecting pups. No one had any available now.

It's difficult to know what to do and whom to believe. What's a person to do? -- E.D., via e-mail

A: A well-bred, well-socialized Shetland sheepdog is a wonderful dog. I've shared my life with a few, including the only sheltie I have now -- Andy, who is coming up on his 14th birthday, still healthy, smart and loving.

I've had shelties for more than 20 years, and I've volunteered fostering and placing unwanted shelties for a couple of those. The time I spent doing rescue work nearly turned me off the breed entirely. There are a ton of dreadful shelties out there, poorly bred to the point of being crazy, and sick besides. I'm not just picking on shelties, by the way. The same situation holds for any popular breed: goldens, Labs, poodles, Rottweilers and so on. Both casual breeders and puppy mills do their part when it comes to ruining a breed.

The problem with casual "backyard breeders" is that they are usually cheerfully ignorant of the damage they do. They aren't aware of congenital defects (such as hip and eye deformities), so they don't screen for these problems. They aren't aware of the value of careful socialization, so any socialization the pups get is accidental. The puppies are often weaned and placed too early, as well.

As for puppy mills, even if you put aside the significant potential for health and temperament problems with mass-produced puppies, you perpetuate a well-documented system of cruelty when you buy one of these dogs.

Finding a reputable breeder and buying directly from that person is the best way to get a purebred puppy. Reputable breeders plan their matches to improve the breed, screen for health problems and socialize their puppies.

Such breeders can indeed be hard to find. To get the contact for the national breed club, contact the American Kennel Club at either its Web site (www.akc.org), or by phone (919-233-9767). (At the Web site, click on "Buying a Puppy.") Someone there will be able to share with you the names of club members in your area. From there, it's a matter of networking to find a breeder who's planning a litter and to get on the waiting list for one of those puppies.

The decisions you make now will affect your family for years. Take your time!

The best explanation of how to find a good breeder is in the book "Your Purebred Puppy: A Buyer's Guide" by Michele Lowell. (Henry Holt, $14). I also wrote on this topic extensively in my book "Dogs For Dummies" (IDG Books Worldwide, $19.99). I strongly encourage you to find one (or both) of these in your local library so you'll be armed with the information you need.

Q: Charlotte, my scarlet macaw, is crazy for sunflower seeds. I feed her a pellet food sold by our veterinarian, plus lots of fruits and veggies. But she'd kill for sunflower seeds! I've read that they have an addictive substance. Is that true? It isn't hard to believe, knowing how nuts my bird is for them. -- G.K. via e-mail

A: The rumor that sunflower seeds are addictive has been floating around forever. I guess the answer depends on how you define "addictive." If you mean is there a substance in the seeds that alters the body's chemistry (like nicotine or morphine), then the answer is no. There's just no evidence that sunflower seeds can exert that kind of hold on a bird.

But if you mean addiction in the more casual sense -- like my "addiction" to chocolate -- then you're probably on to something. Many birds find sunflower seeds to be the yummiest of treats, but not all do. My Senegal parrot, Patrick, isn't at all interested in sunflower seeds -- but you'd better get out of his way when almonds or safflower seeds are available!

Seeds are fine as a treat, by the way, but should never be the sole diet for a parrot. You've got the right idea: a base diet of high-quality commercial food complemented by a wide array of fruits, vegetables, and healthy "people food" such as pasta, breads, cooked eggs and so on.

Gina Spadafori is the award-winning author of "Dogs for Dummies," "Cats for Dummies" and "Birds for Dummies." She is also affiliated with the Veterinary Information Network Inc., an international online service for veterinary professionals. Write to her in care of this newspaper, or send e-mail to writetogina(at)spadafori.com.

4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600

Why does housetraining fail? That's the question a lot of people ask themselves every day, usually while cleaning up after a growing puppy they ruefully admit is only "partially" housetrained, which is not really housetrained at all.

If you're struggling with a Christmas puppy who just doesn't seem to be catching on, take some time to review your battle plan, with an eye toward avoiding those traps that sabotage your efforts.

First among these traps is using a negative approach to housetraining. Successful housetraining requires setting up a potty schedule, limiting your pup's roaming options to areas you can supervise, showing your pup the area you want him to use, and praising him for going there. Generations may have followed the old "shove his nose in it and swat" method, but that doesn't work as well as a positive approach. You simply must go out with your puppy and praise him for getting it right. You're not being fair otherwise.

Even with a positive approach, people make mistakes. Here are a few things to remember:

-- Understand your puppy's physical limitations. Little puppies have little storage capability and need to be taken out frequently. Do not expect growing dogs to be able to "hold it" as long as a healthy adult dog can. If you must leave your puppy for the day, limit his wandering to a small area and put down newspapers to make cleanup easier. Don't punish him for any messes he makes while you're gone. Take him outside, let him relieve himself and praise. And clean up the mess inside without comment.

-- Remember how puppies work. Puppies need to relieve themselves after they wake up, after they eat or drink, and after playing. Make sure to take your puppy out then. Do not offer food and water on demand. Instead, offer them at regular intervals to help predict when your pup will need a trip outside.

-- Clean up mistakes thoroughly. What you can't see, a puppy can still smell -- and smells invite repeat business. Keep commercial products on hand that use enzyme action to break down the smell. White vinegar also does a great job of neutralizing the odor of urine. Don't use an ammonia-based product though: Ammonia smells like one of the components in urine to a pet.

-- Limit your puppy's wanderings. You wouldn't let a toddler explore your entire house without supervision; don't let your puppy, either. Close doors and use baby gates to keep your pup where your can keep an eye on him. That way, if you see him start to make a mistake, you can whisk him outside and praise him for finishing the job where you want him to.

-- Be patient and consistent. While some dogs seem to housetrain themselves, others are slower to learn. Just keep working at it.

If you're still struggling after a month or so (and especially if you're having housetraining problems with a grown dog), have your veterinarian check to make sure your dog has no health problems, and then ask for a referral to a behaviorist.

You can also get some excellent advice in two books -- one old, one new -- on the subject that go a long way toward explaining why your dog behaves the way he does. The late Job Michael Evans' work on the subject, "The Evans Guide for Housetraining Your Dog" (IDG Books Worldwide, $17.95), is a classic that's helped convert many recalcitrant Rovers. "Housetrain Your Dog Now" (Plume, $12.95), by Krista Cantrell, is a readable new book that stresses empathy and positive training.

PETS ON THE WEB

"Time spent cuddling hedgehogs is not deducted from one's life span!" So announces the Hedgehog Hollow Web site (http://hedgehoghollow.com/), a wonderful collection of whimsy and practical advice for fanciers of these prickly looking little animals. The host of this page is also the author of the Internet's Hedgehog FAQ (frequently asked questions), and you'll find links to the multi-part document on the site. You'll also find links to mailing lists and other hedgehog sites, along with lots of cute pictures and stories. Hedgehogs are illegal in some states (including California), but if you live where you can have one and have been wanting to learn more, this Web site is a great place to start.

THE SCOOP

Hairballs are normal for cats, as is watching where you walk to avoid the disgusting "gifts" that always seem to be left on the most expensive rugs in the house. If the problem is severe, your veterinarian may suggest the use of a mild laxative to help the hairballs pass through your cat's system.

You should also try combing your cat more frequently to remove excess hair. And you might try increasing the fiber in your cat's diet -- adding a little canned pumpkin daily is a great way that many cats enjoy.

Don't let your cat become a laxative junkie, as daily use decreases the absorption of fat-soluble vitamins. Hairball remedies should not be used more than twice weekly except on the advice of your veterinarian.

QUESTIONS FROM THE PACK

Q: My sister is allergic to cats and dogs. But as she has gotten older, that seems to have gone away. (She visits friends who have two very big dogs, but though they shed hair all over the floor and couch, she doesn't have any allergic reaction.)

Are there any kinds of cats with fur that won't make her sneeze? I really want a cat, but not if it's going to make my sister sick. -- S.F., via e-mail

A: A great many people who can tolerate exposure to dogs can't manage any time at all with cats before showing allergic reactions. Allergies to cats are so prevalent and so severe that they've been suggested as one of the factors in the increase in asthma, especially since more cats than ever before spend their lives inside.

Your sister may well be able to tolerate dogs for a certain period of time, but that doesn't mean she'll be able to live with one. And it certainly doesn't mean she'll be able to tolerate a cat. Any cat, by the way, because there's no such thing as a cat who isn't a potential allergy trigger. That's because it's not fur that causes the problem, but an ingredient in cat saliva that gets deposited on fur when the animal grooms and that spreads as flakes of skin and secretions commonly called "dander."

Some people survive well enough with animals and allergies, but it does require some effort. Some things that help include:

-- Keeping animals clean. A weekly water bath (no soap needed) for cats has been shown to reduce levels of dander and may make living with a cat workable. It's best if a non-allergic member of the family handles the pet-grooming chores.

-- Keeping animals out of sleeping areas at all times. While it's hard to give up the hot-water-bottle pleasures of sleeping with a pet on the bed, your body needs a break from the stress of fighting off allergens.

-- Limiting exposures to other allergens. Keeping all your allergies under control can help your body handle the exposure to a pet.

Most important is to work with an allergist who's willing to work with you. The one whose advice starts and ends with "your cat needs a new home" probably isn't the one to choose. Be aware, however, that that advice may well end up being the only thing that helps. Some people are just not meant to share their lives with furry animals.

Q: I'm tired of my cat knocking things off the shelves! I am a collector and have a lot of glass figurines, a few of which have been broken. What can I do to protect them from Calypso? - B.G., via e-mail

A: Practically speaking, you can't keep cats on the ground. The best you can do is display your treasures in ways that keep them safe or, at least, safer.

You might consider moving your collection to a single room and keeping the door closed when you're not around to supervise. Glass-fronted book cases are another option for keeping collectibles and cats apart.

Although it's probably best to keep your most valuable pieces where your cat can't get to them at all, other objects can be made safer from the wanderings of clumsy cats. Double-sided tape or Velcro can be used to "lock" objects in place on shelves, and can be found at any home-supply store. You can also try a product called Quake Hold, a putty that seals objects to their display surface. Quake Hold can be hard to find outside of earthquake-prone California, but your hardware store may be able to order some for you.

Gina Spadafori is the award-winning author of "Dogs for Dummies," "Cats for Dummies" and "Birds for Dummies." She is also affiliated with the Veterinary Information Network Inc., an international online service for veterinary professionals. Write to her in care of this newspaper, or send e-mail to writetogina(at)spadafori.com.

4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600