The best advice I can give to a reluctant parent feeling the pressure of a child begging for a pet is this: Just say "no."

Why the hard line? Because I don't want to get a letter from your child when you decide you've made a mistake. The ones I get now are breaking my heart.

We don't like to say no to our children. Some might argue that ours is an era of indulgence, with consequences that are just beginning to show, but that's for a writer with expertise in children to say. Mine is in pets, and every day I hear from children who are already paying the price for overindulgent parents: Another family's poorly chosen, poorly trained and mostly ignored pet is heading for the shelter -- and a child is heartbroken.

Maybe the parents decide the inconvenience isn't worth it. Maybe they escalated a tug-of-war into threats they must now make good: "If you don't clean the litter box (walk the dog, feed the guinea pig, etc.), your pet is leaving!" In any case, this is the stage when I get the e-mail, typically titled "HELP!" with enough exclamation points to fill out the rest of the subject line. The e-mail is usually something like this: "Gina, please, please, please! Tell me how to get our dog to stop jumping up, or my mom is getting rid of him!! You gotta help me!!!"

By the time I hear about it, it's usually too late.

Although parents fixate on the idea of responsibility, that may well be the least of life's lessons a pet can help a child to learn. Pets offer unconditional love, and they're always there to listen. They teach compassion and gentleness, and the importance of caring for something weaker than yourself. Even in death, a pet can teach a child by laying the groundwork for handling the losses we all have to live with. But they cannot teach these lessons without the help of a parent. And that help starts long before a pet comes into the home.

If you're contemplating adding a pet to your household, let some time pass before the trip to the adoption center. Pets should never be an impulse purchase! You need to make sure your child's interest isn't a passing thing. If your child starts soccer and doesn't like it, the equipment she needed can sit in a closet without any attention at all. A pet isn't like that. It's a living, feeling being that cannot be shoved aside in favor of the next interest. Let your child "try on" pets. Take in the classroom hamster for the weekend, or baby-sit a neighbor's dog. Talk with your child and make sure he understands a pet isn't the same as a video game or other "object."

Once you think your child might be ready for a pet, be clear on what you can and can't handle. A dog seems to be the Holy Grail of children's pets, but a lot of families are just too busy to handle the time and effort involved in raising and keeping one. Put aside your emotion and ignore the begging. Figure out which animal is the best fit for your household, even if it's not the pet of your child's dreams. Instead of a large-breed puppy, consider a smaller adult dog, perhaps. Cats are a better choice for many households, as are rabbits, rats or guinea pigs, or small birds such as cockatiels.

Consider honestly the pet's care requirements. And realize that although your child can help with pet upkeep, the final responsibility falls on your shoulders. Don't threaten your child with the loss of the pet -- it's inhumane! Give children the chores they can handle, and follow up to see that they're done.

Above all, set a good example. If your pet has a problem, get help and work on it. You're doing considerable damage when you "throw away" a problem pet, teaching your child that a living thing can be treated like yesterday's newspaper. Think about the messages your action convey.

Pets are wonderful for children, but only if parents do their part. Don't say yes to a pet until you're sure you can handle it.

PETS ON THE WEB

Cockatiels are one of the most popular pet birds around, with good reason. They're not terribly expensive to acquire or maintain, they're small and easy to handle, and they offer as much in the way of companionship as larger parrots do. If you've lost your heart to one of these feathered charmers, you'll want to visit the Web site of the North American Cockatiel Society (www.cocktiel.org). Pet birds rule on this site, with information on care and behavior, lots of 'tiel pictures, and a handful of recipes for bird treats.

THE SCOOP

Maryland is the latest state to allow pet-themed license plates, with sales supporting spay-neuter efforts. The idea of using license plates to pay for worthy programs isn't new. In California, for example, car owners can pony up for plates that support the arts or coastal preservation. But the pace of states adopting spay-neuter plates has been disappointingly low. The first state to do so was New Jersey in 1993. According to the Humane Society, only eight other states have followed: Alabama, Arizona, Virginia, New York, Connecticut, Texas, Tennessee and Maryland.

What's the holdup? This seems like a no-brainer! I'm sure there are millions of animal lovers who'd happily support spay-neuter efforts with a license plate that also tells the world about their love for animals.

QUESTIONS FROM THE PACK

Q: In your recent column on choosing a kitten, you suggested avoiding overly shy or aggressive animals. I want to know who you think will adopt the poor unloved little creatures that may hiss or shrink away because they have been mistreated or have not been given any attention. Sometimes those very same kittens turn out to be the best pets, if the owner is willing to work with them and give them time and lots of love. They are the certainly the ones who are most in need of a good home. Shame on you, Gina, for being prejudiced against them. -- F.L., via e-mail

A: It's not pretty, but the fact is that in every community more kittens will be born than can possibly find homes. This sad situation will remain until those people who still believe it's OK to let their pets breed finally get the spay-neuter message. For now, though, we are forced to "play God" with the kitten surplus, deciding who will live and who will die.

I agree with you that some of these unsocialized kittens will come around with loving care, but many won't. And although some people may have the dedication needed to turn these youngsters around, the majority do not have the time, patience or interest in doing so. These people will never bond with their cats, and that puts the animals at risk of being dumped at the first sign of trouble.

Considering that there aren't enough homes for all the kittens born, would you rather condemn those kittens who have the best chance to make it as pets? Are they less deserving? Don't blame me for being honest about the situation, and don't blame the shelter workers who make these life-and-death decisions every day. The problem is the folks who allow the "oops" litter, or who allow a litter so their kids can see the "miracle of life," or who turn out their cats because they don't want a pet anymore.

Shy or aggressive kittens are a special challenge, and I admire those people who go the extra mile on their behalf. But the truth remains that for most people, friendly, well-socialized kittens make better pets. And there are plenty to choose from in any shelter.

We must all work together to reduce the number of kittens who will die for the lack of a home. Spaying and neutering is available at a reduced cost in nearly every community. Call your local shelter for information or for ideas on how to help.

Q: Our dog, Daisy, runs and barks at people walking by. When we tell her to come, she ignores us. She seems to scare people, and I don't know what to do. She stays on our property, except when people walk by. Help! -- L.B., via e-mail

A: What you have is a disaster in the making. Even if your dog never bites someone, she could frighten a passer-by into tripping or falling. Someone's likely to get hurt.

First, put Daisy on a leash when she's out with you. A dog who stays on the property unless someone walks by is a dog who's not staying on the property, period. She needs to be kept under control, and since she hasn't been trained to come when called, that means a leash. Second, ask your veterinarian for a referral to a behaviorist or trainer who can help you both with her territorial displays and with her obedience.

Don't take any chances with this. You could end up with a lawsuit, or worse.

Q: Our dog has bad breath. What can we do? -- G.N., via e-mail

A: Have your veterinarian check out your pet's teeth and gums. Rotting teeth and gums can become a powerful source of "doggy breath" that some pet owners treat with products that may temporarily fix the smell but do nothing about the real problem.

Plaque buildup on the teeth of both dogs and cats can causes gums to recede, opening pockets at the root line that are the perfect setting for bacterial infections. Left unchecked, these infections do more than cause bad breath. They can lead to tooth loss, make eating painful, and put a pet's immune system and internal organs under pressure, causing illness and premature aging.

Depending on the severity of the problem, your veterinarian may recommend having your pet's teeth cleaned under anesthesia, along with having any broken or rotting teeth removed. Your pet will likely go home with an antibiotic, and you'll be encouraged to keep the teeth in good shape with brushing, special diets, dental chew toys or a combination of them all.

Gina Spadafori is the award-winning author of "Dogs for Dummies" and "Cats for Dummies," and is affiliated with the Veterinary Information Network Inc., an international online service for veterinary professionals. Write to her in care of this newspaper, or send e-mail to WriteToGina(at)YourPetPlace.com.

4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600

Call it the curse of the good samaritan. But any animal lover who picks up an occasional stray -- which would be all animal lovers, of course -- knows that sure as dogs have four legs, any stray you find isn't going to be wearing an ID tag or license.

Sure it's easy to find the owner of a pet with current ID. You call the phone number. But what do you do if you have no idea where a pet calls home? You can check for an identifying tattoo, or get the pet scanned for a microchip by your veterinarian or local shelter. But these methods of ID are still fairly rare, so you might find yourself back where you started. One pet, lost.

Liz Blackman, self-described top dog at 1-800-HELP4PETS, has been dealing with lost and found pets for years, as an animal lover and as the owner of a business dedicated to helping pets get home safely. She has a soft spot for strays (she shares her life with three of them), and says that many people don't do even the most obvious things to find the owner of a lost pet they've found.

The most important, says Blackman, is to take the stray pet to the shelter.

"This is the hardest pill for a pet lover to swallow," she says. "But you have to think of the person who's looking for the pet. The owner has the best chance of finding their pet in a centralized site, and that's the shelter.

"You have to ask yourself what would you want somebody to do with your pet," she says. "It's better for a stray to be in a shelter than in someone's back yard. How can you find your pet in someone's back yard? If you lose a pet, you're going to look in the shelter."

Most shelters will allow a finder to place a hold on a pet, says Blackman. That way if time runs out for the animal, you can claim him yourself. You can then keep the animal, find a new home for him, or continue to look for the owner.

Sometimes the extra time is what the owner needs to make the connection.

Blackman says that people sometimes get the wrong idea from the start with a stray and assume that since the pet looks scruffy, it was abused or neglected by his owner. Because of a stray's appearance, some people won't even look for the owner. She points out that it doesn't take much time on the street for a pet to lose weight and get dirty.

"We had a client who asked our help in finding a new home for a dog she'd found," she says. "She didn't want to find the owner because the dog was in such bad shape she was sure the owners neglected the dog.

"We found the owners, and it turned out they were anything but abusive. The dog looked bad because she had recently undergone thousands of dollars in cancer treatment!"

If you've taken the animal to a shelter, that doesn't mean you have to stop trying to find the pet's owner. Place fliers where you found the pet, as well as in areas where animal lovers turn up -- pet stores, veterinary offices and dog parks. Don't forget to put fliers in area shelters other than the one to which you took the pet. Pets can travel a long distance, and the shelter nearest your house may not be closest to the one near the pet's home. Place "found" ads in the local newspapers, as well.

Blackman says it's important to leave out all but the most general details in the pet's description, and make the owners fill in the blanks when they call. That's because people who collect dogs for sale to laboratories or for use in dog-fighting have been known to claim lost pets as their own.

No one has any figures on how many lost pets are reunited with their owners, but the odds of a reunion increase dramatically if both the person who lost the pet and the one who found the animal are doing their best to set the situation straight.

PETS ON THE WEB

Don't be put off by that scaly tail and beady eyes -- rats are great pets! A enjoyable place to learn more about these smart and affectionate pets is the Web site Squeak: The Online Magazine of Rats and Their Humans (www.chirpy.com/squeak). The site contains care information, lots of pictures and stories, information on clubs, a reader survey with some peculiar percentages and links to the most rat-friendly places on the Net.

THE SCOOP

The cooler weather makes fall a great time to get out with your dog and go for a walk. Walking is good for your dog: It gets him out of the house and into the exciting world of new sounds, sights and smells, and it gets his heart pumping a little faster. It's good for you, too, because studies show that human interactions are increased when you walk a dog; you'll meet more neighbors than if you were by yourself. And it's good for you both, in that any shared activity strengthens the bond between you. What's not to love about walking the dog? Put on your shoes, find that leash and get going. But don't forget a few baggies so you can pick up after your dog. You want those interactions with your neighbors to be friendly, right?

QUESTIONS FROM THE PACK

Q: I am terribly upset because I love animals (especially cats), but my brother is allergic to them. I had heard about hypoallergenic cats, but when I went to a Web site to find some, the cats had really long necks and big heads. I want to know if you knew the names of some cats that look cuddly but are also hypoallergenic. -- S.C., via e-mail

A: I hate to disappoint you, but hypoallergenic cats do not exist. The curly-coated Devon Rex and Cornish Rex are often touted as being good for allergy sufferers, but it's not true. The idea probably comes from the fact that these light-coated (and kind of funny-looking) breeds shed little. But fur isn't what causes allergy problems. The allergic trigger is found in the saliva and glands of cats, and the problem is spread all over the cat and the house through normal grooming and rubbing. Even a good shake can put allergens in the air!

Although people with severe allergies probably will never be able to tolerate life with a cat, if you're not as severely affected, you might be able to manage it with a few adjustments.

The first step would be to get serious about allergies. Work with an allergist, even if she rolls her eyes because you won't give up your pet. Try to limit your exposure to other allergens, such as smoke and strong perfumes. Use a mask when mowing the lawn. Getting a handle on everything else that's bugging you may give you "breathing room" enough for a cat. Make your bedroom a totally "cat-free" zone. Sure, it's hard to give up the warmth of a cat on the bed, but if you let allergies disrupt your sleep you'll be miserable.

A final tip is one neither you nor your cat will want put in practice: a weekly rinse. Strange as it may seem, rinsing your cat weekly in plain water has been shown to help, too. It keeps the level of allergens down. No soap is necessary.

Q: I agree with what you say about choker collars. The problem is that I took my boxer, Sadie, to the vet the other day and discussed her "sensitive skin" problem. I have tried both a leather and cloth collar with her, and she still continues to get a pretty bad irritation on her neck from the metal on the collar.

The vet said that it was because of moisture retention in the collars (we live in South Florida). He recommends a choker collar because it will not retain moisture. I really don't feel comfortable with this change because of the dangers involved. What do you recommend? -- C.P., via the Internet

A: I would rather see no collar on your dog than to have you use a chain collar for everyday wear. It's just too dangerous.

If your dog was wearing a wide leather collar, try a rolled collar and go for a loose fit. Rolled leather collars are smooth and slender, and that might do the trick.

In the end, you may find that nothing will work, and that your dog will wear a collar only when out of the house. If that's the case, make sure your pet is microchipped, tattooed, or both, for more protection in case she gets lost.

Gina Spadafori is the award-winning author of "Dogs for Dummies" and "Cats for Dummies," and is affiliated with the Veterinary Information Network Inc., an international online service for veterinary professionals. Write to her in care of this newspaper, or send e-mail to WriteToGina(at)YourPetPlace.com.

4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600

One of the biggest mistakes people make when a pet goes missing is waiting a day or so to see if he'll wander back home.

So says Liz Blackman, owner of 1-800-HELP4PETS, a company that helps reunite lost pets with their owners. "The first thing that people need to know when they lose a pet is that they need to act quickly -- and broadly," says Blackman.

First on the "to do" list: a lost pet sign. "Don't get into too much detail," says Blackman. "You do not have to get down to the color of your dog's toenails. Think large, and think basic. 'Lost dog' in big letters, and a phone number with area code, also large. And put the word 'reward' in there, because it motivates some people who wouldn't care otherwise."

To motivate others, Blackman suggests a measure of "sappiness." "You need to get people emotionally involved," she says. "So tell them how you feel, how much you care. Put 'Child is heartbroken' or 'My best friend is missing.' I have seen total strangers take off work to help look because they were motivated by a sign."

Blackman says other mistakes people make are not printing enough signs and not displaying them properly. "Print a minimum of 100," she says, "and put half facing the street where drivers can see them, half facing the sidewalk so pedestrians can." Also, put signs in places where pet people go: veterinary offices, dog parks, pet-supply stores. And don't forget to place a lost-pet ad in your local paper.

Because you'll be out looking for your pet, Blackman suggests changing the message on your answering machine. "You want to encourage people to leave a message and keep them involved," she says. Her suggestion: "Thank you for calling. I'm out looking for my lost pet right now. Please leave a message, and I'll call you right back as soon as I come in."

Enlist the help of friends, family and neighbors in the search, and go door-to-door in your area. Ask neighbors to check garages, tool sheds and crawl spaces. Cats often slip into such spaces unnoticed and are trapped when doors are shut, says Blackman.

You'll need to visit every shelter in your area, and look through the cages and runs yourself. Shelter staff workers are busy, says Blackman, and they might not remember seeing your pet or recognize it from your verbal description.

Ask to see the pets in the infirmary as well as the general runs; your pet might have been injured. And don't stop at one shelter. Go to all the shelters in the area. Animals can travel a good distance on their own, and sometimes people pick up a lost pet and take it home, only to have it escape again into an area even farther away from home.

Try to enlist the help of the media -- newspapers and radio and TV stations. In a big city, you won't get much interest, says Blackman, but in a small town you might get a lot of help. Even in a big city, though, if there's something interesting, odd or unique about your pet, you may get some media interest. It's always worth trying.

Blackman's final piece of advice: Don't give up. "Don't get discouraged," she says. "Focus and visualize. These both help. And it doesn't hurt to pray."

Next week, I'll share Blackman's advice on what to do when you find a pet.

PETS ON THE WEB

The Denver Dumb Friends League (www.ddfl.org) has assembled one of the best collections of articles on solving pet-behavior problems that I've seen. The articles are clear and concise, and offer not only suggestions on how to solve various problems, but also provide an understanding of the natural instincts behind behaviors we humans find hard to live with.

To get to the collection, click on Information and Tips from the front screen. Before you do, though, go to the bottom and click on the link explaining this group's unusual name. I was just at this shelter, and I asked the group's president, Bob Rohde, if a name change had been considered. It has, he admitted, then added quickly, "But when you have 94 percent name recognition in your target market, would you change?"

The name may be old-fashioned, but the group is not. And its motto, "We speak for those who cannot speak for themselves," remains current.

THE SCOOP

I've long accepted the fact that as much as my niece, Kate, likes to see me, she's always more excited at my arrival if I've brought one or more of my dogs. Kate's not alone in her love of animals. If you're looking for a special gift for the animal-loving youngster in your life, Lisa Rosenthal's new book, "A Dog's Best Friend: An Activity Book for Kids and Their Dogs" (Chicago Review Press, $12.95) should be on your gift list. The book offers plans for dog-related crafts such as making collars, dog treats and food mats, and provides great basic advice on care and training.

QUESTIONS FROM THE PACK

Q: One of our members faxed your column about how to pick the best puppy. Your advice is to "alpha-roll" your puppy (roll him onto his back) to become top dog.

During my studies in animal science at the University of California, Davis, we were given a research project about the various breeds of dogs that went through dog obedience classes. We discovered there was still a very high percentage that became aggressive and bit someone in the family, mainly children.

Our findings were that out of 100 dog-bite incidents, every one of the dog owners was instructed to be the "leader of the pack," and 85 percent took their puppies through kindergarten puppy class, where they were taught the alpha-roll. This seemed to work until the puppy grew up and was too large to be alpha-rolled. One woman from San Francisco wrote that she was able to alpha-roll her young German shepherd up to the age of 8 months. Because he started growling, she had her husband alpha-roll the dog. Two months later, as she went to pet her German shepherd, he lunged and bit her hand severely.

The point is teaching a dog to submit to dominance, the strong over the weak, which teaches it to dominate something smaller/weaker than itself.

Do you know of any animals that can be trained with an alpha-roll? I am sure Siegfried and Roy would never even attempt to alpha-roll their once-wild Bengal tigers. -- Matt Sanchez, director, People Protecting the Future of Man's Best Friend Inc., Encinitas, Calif.

A: You might want to take another look at that column. It had absolutely nothing to do with dog training and everything to do with some simple tests to help someone who's looking for a puppy.

Within most litters you'll find bold puppies, shy puppies, pushy puppies and puppies happy to go along with the flow. Paired with a human companion who's the right fit, every puppy has the potential to become a great pet. In the wrong hands, though, some puppies have the potential for disaster. The key is in recognizing and dealing with problems early, and some people aren't capable of either.

Since puppies (and dogs) don't like the being put on their back, gently rolling a young pup over for a few seconds is one way to see how he reacts to stress and authority. For most families the "right" puppy is the one who wants to get along -- he squirms a little, settles down and, when released, comes back seeking more affection.

That's all I was talking about in reference to the "alpha roll." Using the technique to train your dog -- or to retrain an aggressive animal -- is not only unnecessary, but it can also get you bitten.

My advice for anyone with an aggressive dog: Get help. The dog who growls is on the road to trouble; the one who tries to bite has already arrived. Fixing canine aggression is absolutely not a do-it-yourself project. Ask your veterinarian for a referral to a behaviorist who can help.

Q: I have an issue that sounds funny, but it's not: Mice are eating the cat food.

I am often away on weekends, and I leave a self-feeder full of dry cat food for Tigger. By the time I get home on Sunday night, she is hungry and may have caught a couple of mice.

I cannot put down poison because then Tigger would eat the mouse and get poisoned herself. I do not have the heart to put down traps, and I am concerned that Tigger might get caught in them.

This is also causing a financial drain. It's getting expensive to feed all the mice in the neighborhood. Tigger is overweight but seems to have lost some weight lately. It could be because these days her plate is often empty. Do you have any suggestions? -- A.F., via e-mail

A: Call a pest-control service!

Nobody really likes killing mice, but the situation you describe is dangerous. Mice carry diseases that can significantly affect your health. If you have so many mice that they're starving your cat, you have a serious problem. You and Tigger may even have to vacate your home for a few days so a professional can get the problem under control.

After the mice are gone, you'll need to work on preventing a reinfestation. According to the Humane Society of the United States' excellent book "Wild Neighbors: The Humane Approach to Living With Wildlife" (Fulcrum, $16.95), mice gain access through tiny holes and cracks in the foundation, and tiny gaps where pipes and wires enter the house. Sealing these up is not only good for preventing mice from entering, but also helps keep heating costs down.

I'd also start asking a friend, neighbor or pet-sitting service to come in and feed Tigger. And get rid of the self-feeder. Mice don't stay where they can't find food.

Gina Spadafori is the award-winning author of "Dogs for Dummies" and "Cats for Dummies," and is affiliated with the Veterinary Information Network Inc., an international online service for veterinary professionals. Write to her in care of this newspaper, or send e-mail to WriteToGina(at)YourPetPlace.com.

4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600