Dear Ilana and Jess: My 7-year-old daughter has difficulty when we have lots of guests, as we do during Christmas and New Year’s. She tends to get overstimulated and upset. How can I help her cope? — Stan

Dear Stan: We’re sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling! Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to make the holidays easier for her.

First, let your daughter take breaks. Socializing can be a draining prospect, even (and perhaps especially) for someone as young as your daughter. Help her build stamina incrementally by letting her mingle in short bursts. Allow her to take a break every so often, so she can refresh and come back renewed. This will help her engage more effectively when she is present.

Establish clear cut expectations. When asking your daughter to socialize, be specific about what you’d like her to do. For example, you might say, “Honey, I want you to say ‘hi’ to everyone and ask them how they’re doing. They’ll probably ask you how you are and what you’re learning in school, so let’s think about what you might tell them.” Make sure to go through the specific language she’ll use, so that she’s truly prepared to speak up.

Practice! They say it makes perfect for a reason. If your daughter is overwhelmed by large groups, a lack of preparation will only make it worse. Once you’ve gone through different conversation points, practice them each in turn. Roleplay specific discussions she might have beat-for-beat and try to go off script now and again.

Say This: “Honey, I want you to say ‘hi’ to everyone and ask them how they’re doing. They’ll probably ask you how you are and what you’re learning in school, so let’s think about what you might tell them.”

Not That: “Why don’t you want to spend time with your family?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids have a problem: they’re repeat quitters. Anytime they sign up for an extracurricular, they want to stop within a week. How do I get them to stick with it? - Kyle

Dear Kyle: This is one of many things you can control as a parent. Since you’re allocating time and (presumably) money to these activities, you should set the boundaries around commitment.

As soon as the kids express interest in an activity, have them do the research. In the process, the kids should find out: how often meetings/practices/rehearsals are, what goes on during each, the duration of the commitment long-term (e.g. how many months until the big concert is done/season ends?), what equipment is necessary to participate, etc. Then, ask the kids again if they’re interested. If the answer is, “yes,” have them make their case, so to speak. The kids should be able to give examples of how and why they’ll enjoy the activity.

Set a timetable. If you agree to let the kids participate in an extracurricular activity, establish a contingency at the onset. Require that they see their commitment through to the end. Alternatively, require that the kids commit for a set amount of time before deciding to quit. For example, if the kids want to try a school club, you may say that they have to stick it out for at least six weeks before they swap it for a new club. This helps ensure that the kids are altering course because they’re genuinely uninterested, not because they didn’t give it a chance. Remember that some activities, such as sports or theater, are reliant upon participants to see their commitments through. Explain this to the kids and don’t let them fail their teammates.

When your kids honor their commitments, they develop integrity and self-confidence. Give your kids the opportunity to navigate learning curves so that they don’t equate them with failure later in life. Along the way, they’ll build grit and perseverance.

Say This: “I’m glad you’re interested in this club/sport/activity and open to trying new things. Before you sign up, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into. I want you to find out what the activity involves and how much time it’s going to take. Then, if you’re still interested, we’re going to agree on a minimum commitment. For example, if you’re going to do baseball, you’ll have to honor your commitment to the team for the full season.”

Not That: “No more extracurriculars. You always ask me to sign you up and then you quit.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: This is my final semester of college ever (kudos to me) but I’m really struggling with the final push. My classmates are also having a hard time bouncing back after Thanksgiving. How do we get to the end of the semester without throwing in the towel? – Jacobi

Dear Jacobi: Kudos to you, indeed! First, a hearty congratulations on your wonderful success! The last few weeks of the fall semester are notoriously difficult. But watching the way you think and speak about the final push will help make it as painless as possible.

Cut back on commiseration. We all need to vent sometimes, and often, it’s helpful. But it’s a slippery slope to whining. It’s one thing to express your frustration and another to throw a pity party. To keep things contained, imagine metaphorical parentheses around your complaints. Tell yourself (or a friend) that you’re going to rant for a second, then you’re going to move on. This will allow you to get your agitation off your chest without becoming consumed by it.

Work in increments. Now is the time to give yourself a lot of breaks. Motivation and attention are at an all-time low and chances are you need a lot of slack. However, keep in mind that you can only give yourself some leeway if you budget your time effectively. Break out your planner and write out all your upcoming tasks. Seeing them visually helps you to create space and best account for your time. Allocate at least 15 minutes more than you think you need for any given assignment.

Work with a friend. Having a study party (or study hangout) can help keep you accountable while making the work more tolerable. Make sure to choose your friend wisely and agree in advance that you’re going to be working together – or at least parallel to one another. Partner with someone who’s equally as devoted to their studies as you; not the friend you call when you want a pleasant distraction. Set concrete goals before you sit down so you can keep each other accountable.

Say This: “Okay, I’m going to vent for a minute, then I’m going to move on and start scheduling this work.”

Not That: “This is miserable. I’m so over it!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION