Dear Ilana and Jess: I have two daughters, Sienna and Riley, ages 8 and 12. My younger daughter always wants to play with my older daughter’s friends, but does not handle it appropriately. For example, Sienna will bang on Riley’s door until she opens it. Riley doesn’t mind spending time with Sienna, until Sienna gets boisterous. How do I handle it? — Mike

Dear Mike: As their parent, you’re going to have to set some boundaries. First and foremost, establish ground rules for playdates. Even if you want Riley to let Sienna play with her friends, this is a privilege that must be earned. Every time Sienna gains access to Riley’s room by banging on the door, she’s learning that using force is effective for getting what she wants. This must be unlearned.

When your daughters don’t have friends over, roleplay asking to play appropriately with Sienna. Preface the exercise by telling her that you’ll be on the other side of the shut door. If Sienna asks you to open it appropriately, you’ll do so. Before you allow her to try it out, model the behavior you want to see. For example, knock lightly on the door and say, “It’s Sienna, can I please come in?” Let Sienna know that she’ll earn a small reward each time she does this correctly, so she’s got some incentive to do so.

The next time Sienna has an opportunity to put these skills into practice with her sister, offer her a big reward for getting it right. It could be a special family outing or a new toy she’s been wanting. (Of course, you’ll want to create opportunities for Riley to earn rewards too, but that’s a separate column). For now, make sure Sienna has strong motivation to ask her sister to play appropriately. If she doesn’t, tell her to step away from the door and try again. Only when she treats her sister respectfully should she be allowed to join their friends.

Say This: “Sienna, we’re going to practice asking to play appropriately. I’m going to show you how to do it, first. While we practice, each time you ask politely, you can earn_____. If you ask Riley to play appropriately the next time her friends are over, you can earn _____.”

Not That: “You need to learn to play nice!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My teens are getting too old to trick-or-treat, but they want to enjoy the holiday. What can they do to make it through this awkward stage? — Frank

Dear Frank: The awkward stage you’re referring to is the teenage years themselves, and there’s plenty to enjoy there; especially on Halloween! Adolescence marks the transition to adulthood, and this remains true during holidays. This year, give your teens new roles. For example, on Halloween, they might be in charge of handing out candy to the neighborhood kids. They can do this in costume (it may actually be more fun for everyone that way) so they don’t have to forgo that tradition.

Let the teens be a part of decorating the house (if they haven’t been already). Choose a theme – like haunted house or monster mash - and let them set the scene outside for trick-or-treaters. They can even be part of the scene directly; sitting outside to chat with kids and their families.

Your teens might also have their own party to celebrate. If you’re willing to host, give them parameters, (e.g. how many people are allowed, where guests can and can’t go in the house, etc.) then let them organize it for themselves. Make sure they’re prepared to be good hosts and review the basics with them: taking jackets, offering refreshments, leading people to the bathroom, etc. You may think that’s unnecessary to review, but it’s always best not to assume. Your teens are adults in-the-making, and it’s important that they become increasingly considerate of others.

Say This: “Since you’re both too old to trick-or-treat this year, I want you to think of other ways to enjoy the holiday. It would be great if you could help me decorate and hand out candy to the kids. It’ll be fun if you dress up for that. If you want, you can host a Halloween party for a few friends, too.”

Not That: “You too old to trick-or-treat, so figure something else out.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids want to trick-or-treat alone with their friends, and I think they’re ready. I’m still a little worried about them, and I do want to create some guidelines. How can I keep things in check without being there? –Rylan

Dear Rylan: One of the best things about living in the age of technology is that we can be wherever our kids are, without being where they are. Even if you don’t use Find My Friends regularly, you might want to use that app (or an equivalent one) for Halloween night. If you don’t know, Find My Friends is a GPS-based app that allows you to track the location of any “friends” you add. You can also set notifications that alert you when your kids leave or arrive at home.

If you don’t have or want to use this app, you can have your kids check in with you at various intervals. We’d actually recommend doing this in addition to Find My Friends, even if you do decide to go in that direction. It makes the kids responsible for communication and, in that way, encourages responsible independence. Before the kids set out, make sure you decide on specific check-in times. Have your kids set reminders on their phones so they’re not relying on their memories. They’ll be with their friends, eating candy, and having fun, so it’s unlikely that they’ll think to reach out on their own. Make it mandatory, let them know before they head out, and have them set reminders in front of you.

Tell them where they can and can’t go. Don’t let the kids make limitless rounds. Identify which neighborhoods they’re allowed to visit, which they aren’t, and set limits to the perimeters of their trick-or-treating. You can watch them along Find My Friends to make sure they stick with it, or have the kids share their location with you by dropping a pin.

Say This: “Hey, Kids, I hope you have a great time trick-or-treating! Since this is the first time you’re doing it on your own, I want to set up some check-ins. Let’s turn on Find My Friends so I can find you if I need to. I want you to update me every 30 minutes and tell me where you are. We’re going to set reminders on your phones right now. Please stay in our development and be home by 9.”

Not That: “Make sure you check in with me once in a while!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION