Dear Ilana and Jess: My wife and I are getting into a lot of spats lately. When she asks me to do something, I feel like I’m being nagged. To be fair, I’m probably not doing enough. We really get on each other’s nerves; usually over chores. How can we cut out the bickering? - Elliot

Dear Elliot: You’re onto something here. If your wife has to ask you to fulfill a task multiple times, there’s probably an issue with initiative on your end. When she repeats herself a fourth time, she’s packing the frustration of three, successive, failed attempts. Rather than waiting for your wife to ask, set reminders for yourself so she doesn’t have to. If you can’t get around to something for any reason, give her a head’s up, for example: “Sweetie, I know you asked me to take out the trash. I’m catching up on some emails, so I didn’t get around to it yet. Just wanted to let you know I didn’t forget.”

That being said, perhaps the division of labor has not been clearly communicated. When it comes to who’s doing what, it’s important to actually have the conversation in which those decisions are made. Often times, couples assume the other will take care or one thing or another and that’s when you get into trouble. If you’re feeling frustrated, it’s possible that there are unspoken expectations between you and your wife. So, make sure to clarify those and bring them out into the open.

Say This: “Sweetie, I know you asked me to take out the trash. I’m catching up on some emails, so I didn’t get around to it yet. Just wanted to let you know I didn’t forget.”

Not That: “I said I’ll do it, so I’ll get around to it.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids want elaborate Halloween costumes this year. The ones they’ve picked are adorable, but so expensive. We really can’t afford to buy three costumes at those prices. How can I explain this to them? – Patricia

Dear Patricia: It’s a fact that the costumes are unaffordable, so first, establish realistic expectations for yourself before communicating them to your children. While the kids probably can’t understand the details of your family’s financial constraints, it’s always a good idea to be honest with them. Explaining what the kids need to know, in an age-appropriate way, can give them deeper understanding and alleviate some frustration. For example, you might start out by saying to the kids: “I love the costumes you’ve picked out! Unfortunately, we can’t afford to buy a costume at this price. Every family is different, and we have to make the best we can with what our family has.”

In every obstacle, there’s an opportunity. Once you explain the limitations, instill hope and demonstrate how the kids can create an awesome Halloween costume. Say this: “Even though we can’t afford the specific costume you picked out, we can make something just like it together. Why don’t we go to the craft store together after school on Friday to pick out all the materials you need and get started?” The more fun and collaborative you make the process, the more you prime your kids to feel excited. Not the crafting kind? See if you can construct the costume by purchasing clothing items that look similar to the costume itself. Then, you can then find accessories at a local party store that really make it feel authentic.

Say This: “I love the costume you’ve picked out! Unfortunately, we can’t afford to buy a costume at this price. Every family is different, and we have to make the best we can with what our family has. Even though we can’t afford the specific costume you picked out, we can make something just like it together. Why don’t we go to the craft store together after school on Friday to pick out all the materials you need and get started?”

Not That: “We just can’t afford this. You need to pick something else.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: Whenever I disagree with my daughter, she launches a full-blown shouting match. How can I prevent things from blowing up so quickly? – Charles

Dear Charles: First things first; you’re the parent, right? That means you take the lead in setting the tone and boundaries.

If your daughter is at the point of screaming, your first move is to disengage. You can do that by saying this: “We’re not going to talk if you’re screaming. Let’s take 10 and come back to this.” To make sure the message sticks, walk out of the room. Set a timer on your phone or watch and relocate your daughter when the 10 minutes are up. You can restart the conversation by guiding her directly: “Okay, let’s restart. I want you to tell me in a conversational voice what’s bothering you.” If your daughter seems flustered, you can give her the language she needs to express herself. For example: “It’s clear that you’re angry with me because I said no to the party this weekend. You can say to me directly, ‘Dad, I’m really mad that you said, ‘no.’ The party is going to be fun and a lot of my friends are going.’ Then, I’d be happy to talk more about why the answer is, ‘no,’ and see if we can come up with some alternatives.”

If your daughter begins screaming again, the process repeats. After two or three attempts, you may need to dissolve the conversation entirely. To do that, say this: “It’s clear that this topic is still too emotional. We’ll try again tomorrow.” While your daughter may not like this response, you’re teaching her what is and is not acceptable communication. Boundaries are often resisted, but they’re in place for a reason.

Finally, remember that not every grievance warrants a discussion. Sometimes, the answer is just, “no.”

Say This: “We’re not going to talk if you’re screaming. Let’s take 10 and come back to this.”

Not That: Any response involving shouting back.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION