Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m moving back in with my college roommate next week, and I’m dreading it. We argued a lot last semester. How can I curb this? – Lenny

Dear Lenny: Sharing close quarters highlights a million little things that can lead to conflict. To keep the peace, there are a few, important things we recommend -

First, set ground rules. The best medicine is prevention, as they say. Leave little room for conflict by setting clear cut expectations and ground rules from Day 1. These rules should cover a number of things — especially the things you wouldn’t expect to negotiate. Think about the conditions you need to feel comfortable in your living space. Ask yourself, and ask your roommate: when can we keep the TV on and when do you want it off? Are we comfortable with significant others spending the night? Can I play music through my speakers or should I use headphones? Let your answers guide the boundaries you set and rules you agree to. It can be beneficial to write these rules down and make your own “roommate contract.”

Talk to them. Communication is key for any good relationship, and that includes the relationship you have with your roommate.

Setting ground rules is not the same as following them. All relationships require upkeep, and that means revisiting expectations. If your roommate breaches contract, speak to them directly. Enter this conversation calmly; don’t engage if you’re too angry to be civil.

Stick to the facts. Once the two of you are cool enough to speak, talk about the facts, not your opinions. One of the benefits of a roommate contract is that it eliminates ambiguity and makes it harder to backpedal. When airing your grievances, be as specific as possible. It’s helpful to share examples of when and how your roommate upset you. The more evidence you have, the harder it is for them to dispute your claims. Most importantly, bring up each issue as it arises; don’t ignore your frustrations until they accumulate and you explode.

Finally, and if need be, get your RA involved. Sometimes, we can’t resolve our conflicts on our own and we need to enlist the help of a mediator. There are plenty of people who need to make a change when it comes to housing. If you see that this relationship just isn’t working out, it’s time to find a better match.

Say This: “[Roommate's Name], when we moved in, we agreed that we’d only have guests until 10:30. In the last week, your boyfriend/girlfriend has been here on Monday until midnight, Wednesday until 1:00 AM, and Thursday until 1:00 AM. It’s really affecting my schedule. Can we please talk about this?”

Not That: “Why do you even need to hang out here? Can’t you go to his/her room?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m about to start my first year of college. How do I know what to bring? – Kiana

Dear Kiana: You may be accustomed to your run-of-the-mill, back-to-school, department-store-run, but this is another thing entirely. You’ve probably never had to pack day-to-day items for long-term use. Maybe you’ve never even moved houses or taken a trip. From storage containers to dryer sheets, it’s important to make sure you have everything you need for the long haul. Where to begin?

First, make a list. Sounds deceptively simple, but you’d be surprised by how many people don’t start here. Next, break the list down into categories. Use whatever breakdown makes sense to you, but we suggest the following: bedroom needs, storage, laundry supplies, school and desk supplies, electronics, shared items, clothing, toiletries, household and kitchen items, miscellaneous.

When you’re done writing the list, carry it on you as you go about your day, so that you can jot down anything you need but may have forgotten on the first round. When you start to pack, turn this list into a checklist. Voila.

Next, check your college’s list of approved items. You may think it’s unimportant – until you buy a brand-new microwave, only to have it confiscated during the first week of classes. Colleges have a lot of rules about what you’re allowed to bring and always have a list of prohibited items.

Read the student handbook – yes, read, don’t just skim, as most people tend to. Effectively, that handbook is a contract, and you’ll be considered responsible for upholding it, regardless of whether you bothered to read it or not. Reading things carefully is a big part of adult life, and this is no exception; you should always know what you’re agreeing to.

Finally, coordinate with your roommate. Most colleges will provide you with your roommate’s name and contact information before the semester starts. Reach out to your roomie-to-be and coordinate who will bring what with them; especially when it comes to bigger items, like a TV or mini fridge.

Say This: “Hi! This is Kiana, your new roommate. I can’t wait to meet you! I’m doing some packing for school right now, and I wanted to reach out so we can coordinate what we’re bringing; specifically, the bigger items. Maybe one of us can bring a TV and the other can bring a mini fridge?”

Not That: “Just bring whatever you have, and I’ll do the same.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m worried about my teenagers staying out too late. I want to set a curfew, but don’t know how to make it stick. Any suggestions? - Blake

Dear Blake: Curfews are a parenting classic, but they look a little different these days. First, make sure that you’re setting curfew for a reasonable time. Consider not only the teens’ age, but the location and types of activities they’re attending. If you’re comfortable doing so, you might want to adjust the curfew for events that end late, like concerts and school dances. The more manageable the curfew, the easier it will be to comply.

If your teens are old enough to drive, it’s important to keep in mind that some states have curfew laws for provisional drivers. You don’t need your kids to agree with the rules about curfew, but letting them know that their licenses are at stake can encourage cooperation.

Prepare your kids to make the curfew. Don’t just tell them what time they need to be home: review the plan for getting there. It’s important to account for things like traffic and commute. Before your kids head out, ask them: “How long is the event? How far is it from home? What time are you heading out?” Make sure that you agree to concrete terms. If you aren’t clear about the expectations, it can seem like an invitation to bend the rules.

Have a communication plan. Create a family group chat that your kids can use to check in. Proof of Life, or POL communication as we call it, is not just for kids. Now is a great time to have a conversation with your teens about adult responsibilities and what it means to keep your obligations to your family. No matter how old we get, there will be people who care about us. It’s always a good idea to let loved ones know you’re safe.

If your teens are not respecting the rules, it’s time to implement a contingency. If they have access to a car, make use of it contingent on compliance with the curfew. The same goes for cellphones. Make it a rule that the kids have to keep Find My Friends (or any similar app) on in order to continue going out late.

Say This: “Before you go out tonight, I want to make sure there’s a plan. Please put the location into Maps, so we can figure out how long it’ll take you to get there and home. Then, we’ll decide when you’ll leave.”

Not That: “Be home by eleven or you’re grounded.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION