Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m worried about my teenagers staying out too late. I want to set a curfew, but don’t know how to make it stick. Any suggestions? - Blake

Dear Blake: Curfews are a parenting classic, but they look a little different these days. First, make sure that you’re setting curfew for a reasonable time. Consider not only the teens’ age, but the location and types of activities they’re attending. If you’re comfortable doing so, you might want to adjust the curfew for events that end late, like concerts and school dances. The more manageable the curfew, the easier it will be to comply.

If your teens are old enough to drive, it’s important to keep in mind that some states have curfew laws for provisional drivers. You don’t need your kids to agree with the rules about curfew, but letting them know that their licenses are at stake can encourage cooperation.

Prepare your kids to make the curfew. Don’t just tell them what time they need to be home: review the plan for getting there. It’s important to account for things like traffic and commute. Before your kids head out, ask them: “How long is the event? How far is it from home? What time are you heading out?” Make sure that you agree to concrete terms. If you aren’t clear about the expectations, it can seem like an invitation to bend the rules.

Have a communication plan. Create a family group chat that your kids can use to check in. Proof of Life, or POL communication as we call it, is not just for kids. Now is a great time to have a conversation with your teens about adult responsibilities and what it means to keep your obligations to your family. No matter how old we get, there will be people who care about us. It’s always a good idea to let loved ones know you’re safe.

If your teens are not respecting the rules, it’s time to implement a contingency. If they have access to a car, make use of it contingent on compliance with the curfew. The same goes for cellphones. Make it a rule that the kids have to keep Find My Friends (or any similar app) on in order to continue going out late.

Say This: “Before you go out tonight, I want to make sure there’s a plan. Please put the location into Maps, so we can figure out how long it’ll take you to get there and home. Then, we’ll decide when you’ll leave.”

Not That: “Be home by eleven or you’re grounded.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids have been glued to their phones and X-Box all summer. How do I get them off their screens and out into the fresh air? - Andrew

Dear Andrew: If the kids can’t regulate their screen time, you’re going to have to regulate it for them. You can create a contingency in which the kids are required to spend a certain amount of time on other activities – including exercise or time outdoors – in order to earn access to electronics. To enforce the rule, you may have to collect their devices and store them in a room where they aren’t accessible to the kids. If the kids refuse to set the controller aside, turn the Wi-Fi off temporarily. (You can also change the Wi-Fi password, if necessary).

The more structure the kids have, the easier it will be for them to stay detached from their screens. Consider enrolling the kids in camp. Although it’s late in the summer, you may find one or two-week programs that are still available, such as sports-training camps. Alternatively, you might consider recreational summer classes, many of which are scheduled on a rotating basis throughout the summer months (think dancing, painting, or team sports). You can also reach out to your local community center, Boys & Girls’ Club, or YMCA. And don’t forget about volunteering: it’s a great, free way to get out into the community.

Regardless of the kids’ age, you should include them in household responsibilities. Assigning the kids age-appropriate chores gives them a sense of responsibility and humility. Before the kids can kick back and tune out, they should be pitching in.

Say This: “Okay, kids, new rule: Before you can use the X-box, you have to spend at least 30 minutes outside and complete the list of chores I give you. Tonight, we’re going to sit down as a family to look at some fun classes/camps and choose one to sign up for.”

Not That: “Why are you wasting the whole day inside?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have what’s maybe a classic problem: My 14-year-old daughter, Nicky, has an attitude. I know it’s normal teenage stuff, but it’s really getting to the family. How do I change the way she speaks to her mother and me? -Nick

Dear Nick: This may be a classic problem, but, as you know, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating for the whole family. Fortunately, there are plenty of things you can do too curb a bad attitude.

Know when to ignore. Resist the temptation to respond to every snarky remark. If you know your daughter is trying to get your goat, don’t give it to her. Most often, snippy comments are what we’d call an attention-maintained behavior; meaning, a behavior performed for the sake of getting attention. Good attention and bad attention are equal in this case, so showing your daughter that you’re outraged may actually make things worse. If your daughter says something snippy beneath her breath, pretend she said nothing at all. Make sure other members of your family do the same.

Give her new language. If your daughter is speaking to you inappropriately, replace her language. Use whatever leverage you have. For example, let’s say Nicky wants you to hand her something and instead of showing humility she snaps, “Dad, give that to me.” Don’t hand over that phone/laptop/remote/anything until she adjusts her language. Tell her: “Dad, could you please hand me my laptop?” Once she asks the way you’ve instructed, go ahead and give her what she wants.

Finally, and as always, model the behavior you want to see. If you become snippy with her, apologize, just as you’d like her to do.

Say This: “Nicky, I need you to say this instead: ‘Dad, could you please hand me my laptop?’”

Not That: “I don’t know why you have such an attitude lately!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION