Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids have been glued to their phones and X-Box all summer. How do I get them off their screens and out into the fresh air? - Andrew

Dear Andrew: If the kids can’t regulate their screen time, you’re going to have to regulate it for them. You can create a contingency in which the kids are required to spend a certain amount of time on other activities – including exercise or time outdoors – in order to earn access to electronics. To enforce the rule, you may have to collect their devices and store them in a room where they aren’t accessible to the kids. If the kids refuse to set the controller aside, turn the Wi-Fi off temporarily. (You can also change the Wi-Fi password, if necessary).

The more structure the kids have, the easier it will be for them to stay detached from their screens. Consider enrolling the kids in camp. Although it’s late in the summer, you may find one or two-week programs that are still available, such as sports-training camps. Alternatively, you might consider recreational summer classes, many of which are scheduled on a rotating basis throughout the summer months (think dancing, painting, or team sports). You can also reach out to your local community center, Boys & Girls’ Club, or YMCA. And don’t forget about volunteering: it’s a great, free way to get out into the community.

Regardless of the kids’ age, you should include them in household responsibilities. Assigning the kids age-appropriate chores gives them a sense of responsibility and humility. Before the kids can kick back and tune out, they should be pitching in.

Say This: “Okay, kids, new rule: Before you can use the X-box, you have to spend at least 30 minutes outside and complete the list of chores I give you. Tonight, we’re going to sit down as a family to look at some fun classes/camps and choose one to sign up for.”

Not That: “Why are you wasting the whole day inside?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have what’s maybe a classic problem: My 14-year-old daughter, Nicky, has an attitude. I know it’s normal teenage stuff, but it’s really getting to the family. How do I change the way she speaks to her mother and me? -Nick

Dear Nick: This may be a classic problem, but, as you know, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating for the whole family. Fortunately, there are plenty of things you can do too curb a bad attitude.

Know when to ignore. Resist the temptation to respond to every snarky remark. If you know your daughter is trying to get your goat, don’t give it to her. Most often, snippy comments are what we’d call an attention-maintained behavior; meaning, a behavior performed for the sake of getting attention. Good attention and bad attention are equal in this case, so showing your daughter that you’re outraged may actually make things worse. If your daughter says something snippy beneath her breath, pretend she said nothing at all. Make sure other members of your family do the same.

Give her new language. If your daughter is speaking to you inappropriately, replace her language. Use whatever leverage you have. For example, let’s say Nicky wants you to hand her something and instead of showing humility she snaps, “Dad, give that to me.” Don’t hand over that phone/laptop/remote/anything until she adjusts her language. Tell her: “Dad, could you please hand me my laptop?” Once she asks the way you’ve instructed, go ahead and give her what she wants.

Finally, and as always, model the behavior you want to see. If you become snippy with her, apologize, just as you’d like her to do.

Say This: “Nicky, I need you to say this instead: ‘Dad, could you please hand me my laptop?’”

Not That: “I don’t know why you have such an attitude lately!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: This might seem like a silly question, but how do I make conversation with my daughter? She’s 16 and it’s getting harder and harder to connect with her. What can I say to pique her interest? - Bob

Dear Bob: Many parents – and parents of teens in particular - have asked us how they can have better conversations with their kids. For more on this topic, you may want to check out our book: Say This, Not That to Your Teenage Daughter (https://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055). In the meantime, here are a few strategies you can use to get the conversation flowing.

Pick your moment. The car ride to school or camp may seem like a great, uninterrupted window, but think about all the factors at play. If your daughter is still waking up in the morning, or exhausted in the afternoon after a long day, it’s probably not the best time for idle chitchat. If you’re looking to connect, aim for times when your daughter’s not tired or preoccupied.

Strive for moments of genuine connection, no matter how brief. Creating them can be as simple as playing a song you both like, mentioning a movie you’ve both watched, or even something you used to do together when she was younger. As Dad and Daughter, there’s a wealth of happy memories you can pull from. The simple question: “Do you remember when…?” can be very powerful for forging connection.

Show interest in her life. Your daughter may not want to talk about current events in the world-at-large, but she may feel differently about current events in her life. Keep conversation direct and specific to topics your daughter wants to speak about; this will help her open up. For example, ask your daughter what she’s most looking forward to next weekend, or what she thinks about her summer reading book.

Finally, don’t forget to share with your own thoughts, ideas, opinions, etc. We have to meet the expectations we set for our children; that includes social expectations, like good conversation.

Say This: “What’s the most interesting thing about your summer reading book? Would you recommend it?”

Not That: “We don’t talk like we used to.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION