Dear Ilana and Jess: I have what’s maybe a classic problem: My 14-year-old daughter, Nicky, has an attitude. I know it’s normal teenage stuff, but it’s really getting to the family. How do I change the way she speaks to her mother and me? -Nick

Dear Nick: This may be a classic problem, but, as you know, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating for the whole family. Fortunately, there are plenty of things you can do too curb a bad attitude.

Know when to ignore. Resist the temptation to respond to every snarky remark. If you know your daughter is trying to get your goat, don’t give it to her. Most often, snippy comments are what we’d call an attention-maintained behavior; meaning, a behavior performed for the sake of getting attention. Good attention and bad attention are equal in this case, so showing your daughter that you’re outraged may actually make things worse. If your daughter says something snippy beneath her breath, pretend she said nothing at all. Make sure other members of your family do the same.

Give her new language. If your daughter is speaking to you inappropriately, replace her language. Use whatever leverage you have. For example, let’s say Nicky wants you to hand her something and instead of showing humility she snaps, “Dad, give that to me.” Don’t hand over that phone/laptop/remote/anything until she adjusts her language. Tell her: “Dad, could you please hand me my laptop?” Once she asks the way you’ve instructed, go ahead and give her what she wants.

Finally, and as always, model the behavior you want to see. If you become snippy with her, apologize, just as you’d like her to do.

Say This: “Nicky, I need you to say this instead: ‘Dad, could you please hand me my laptop?’”

Not That: “I don’t know why you have such an attitude lately!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

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Dear Ilana and Jess: This might seem like a silly question, but how do I make conversation with my daughter? She’s 16 and it’s getting harder and harder to connect with her. What can I say to pique her interest? - Bob

Dear Bob: Many parents – and parents of teens in particular - have asked us how they can have better conversations with their kids. For more on this topic, you may want to check out our book: Say This, Not That to Your Teenage Daughter (https://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055). In the meantime, here are a few strategies you can use to get the conversation flowing.

Pick your moment. The car ride to school or camp may seem like a great, uninterrupted window, but think about all the factors at play. If your daughter is still waking up in the morning, or exhausted in the afternoon after a long day, it’s probably not the best time for idle chitchat. If you’re looking to connect, aim for times when your daughter’s not tired or preoccupied.

Strive for moments of genuine connection, no matter how brief. Creating them can be as simple as playing a song you both like, mentioning a movie you’ve both watched, or even something you used to do together when she was younger. As Dad and Daughter, there’s a wealth of happy memories you can pull from. The simple question: “Do you remember when…?” can be very powerful for forging connection.

Show interest in her life. Your daughter may not want to talk about current events in the world-at-large, but she may feel differently about current events in her life. Keep conversation direct and specific to topics your daughter wants to speak about; this will help her open up. For example, ask your daughter what she’s most looking forward to next weekend, or what she thinks about her summer reading book.

Finally, don’t forget to share with your own thoughts, ideas, opinions, etc. We have to meet the expectations we set for our children; that includes social expectations, like good conversation.

Say This: “What’s the most interesting thing about your summer reading book? Would you recommend it?”

Not That: “We don’t talk like we used to.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m Mom in a family of five. Getting us packed for vacation is a nightmare. My kids span the ages of six and fifteen and all of them need different things. We’re constantly scrambling and something is always missing from one of our suitcases. Is there a way to make the packing process better, or will it always be this frustrating? - Lydia

Dear Lydia: Packing for five people is bound to be more involved than packing for a single person or smaller group, sure. But, that doesn’t mean it has to be a chaotic nightmare.

If your family is not frequent travelers (and even if you are) it can be easy to forget what you needed – or didn’t – during your last trip. When you rely on memory alone, you’re bound to leave something out. We don’t typically think about the things we use throughout our day, so we often don’t think about them when we’re packing.

To organize the process, start by creating a master packing list. Write it in checklist format, so that you can track progress as you go along. You can use a notes or checklist app on your phone and share the list with the whole family. Then, you can track their progress, too.

The packing list should cover essentials that everyone will need, anytime you travel (toothbrushes, undergarments, etc.) Don’t assume you’ll remember the basics; include them in the list. Next, create subdivisions specific to each of your children; for example, maybe one of the kids uses an asthma inhaler. Add that to their section.

If you’re not sure of exactly what you’ll need, consider past trips that have required a lot of packing and advanced preparation. What did you bring? What did you wish you’d brought? It can be very helpful to search online for premade packing lists as well. If you’re traveling internationally, there are a whole host of additional considerations, so don’t forget things like electronics adaptors, currency, international SIM cards, etc.

Finally, try to pack at least a week before the trip. If you pack early, you’ll have time to add anything you might have forgotten before you depart. A few days before your trip, carry your checklist with you as you go about your normal routine and have your older kids do the same. You may catch some last minute items that didn’t come to mind initially.

Have fun and safe travels!

Say This: “Everyone, I’m creating a master packing list for all of us to use. At the top are the essentials. On the bottom, under your name, are suggestions and specifics for you. I want you to start packing today and check off your section as you go.”

Not That: “I can’t believe we forgot to pack that again!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION