Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Leigh, is saying she probably won’t go to prom. I think she’ll regret missing this rite of passage, but I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. What’s the right call, here? -Lora

Dear Lora: When it comes to teenagers, it can be hard to tease out whether a decision is impulsive or insightful. But, your question isn’t really one of right or wrong. So, let’s preface this week’s column by saying that, whether you agree with Leigh’s final decision or not, it is hers to make. Here’s how you can help her make a good one (without making it for her).

What distinguishes a good decision from a bad one comes down to rationale and outcome. For example, if Leigh is avoiding the prom in response to anxiety, frustration, rejection, or low self-esteem, skipping it may reinforce these issues. You might broach the conversation by saying to Leigh: “I’m curious about why you’re on the fence about prom.” Demonstrating interest, rather than judgment or worry, is a good way to encourage honest discussion. Don’t assume that Leigh’s desire to sit out the prom means something is wrong.

Since Leigh seems to have already drawn a conclusion, it’s best not to push her to reconsider, unless you have specific concerns. Rites of passage are subjective. For example, for Leigh, the last day of school may be more far more important than prom. The end of senior year comes with many memorable experiences, not the least of which is graduation itself. How Leigh makes meaning is up to her.

Finally, make sure you’re distinguishing your wishes from Leigh’s. Maybe you were really looking forward to dress shopping together, or taking photos before prom. If that’s the case, find another way to honor this special time in her life. You might still take a photo to commemorate the milestone, shop for a graduation ensemble, or even visit Leigh’s future university.

Say This: “I’m curious about why you’re on the fence about prom.”

Not That: “Prom is a rite of passage! You’ll regret it forever if you don’t go!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

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Dear Ilana and Jess: It’s that time of the year again. We’re in the final few weeks of school and spring fever is in full swing. Academically, my two teens are throwing in the towel and I suspect they’re barely getting any work done. I don’t want them to self-sabotage just because they’re nearing the end. They’re both juniors in high school and really need to do well. How do I get them to stick it out? -Lucy

Dear Lucy: You’re up against a problem that plagues many teens (and children and adults) every year. It’s an important problem to solve, as nice weather isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon (we hope).

First, help them understand the difference between motivation and follow-through. While motivation is a helpful ingredient for getting things done, it’s not a necessary one. Now is a good time to lean into the rhythms of habit to help maintain momentum. One way to do this is to choose environments that make it easier to focus and work. Even opening their backpacks in the spot where they usually do their work could help your teens get the ball rolling.

When the circumstances don’t provide incentive, your teens can create their own. Taking more breaks than usual can make the process less painful and reduce procrastination.

Encourage them to get outside and exercise. Not only will this help your teens improve their focus, it will satisfy the urge to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Thirty minutes outside – especially if that time is spent exercising – can make all the difference for the rest of the evening.

Remind them of the long game. Your teens may not feel motivated to get their work done, but their responsibilities haven’t changed. Their future bosses aren’t going to care how nice the weather was while they weren’t doing their projects. The same principle applies here and now. It can be tempting for teens (especially future-oriented ones) to write the high school years off as a waystation to better things. But they won’t get where they’re going unless they do the groundwork now. Remind your teens that they’re already in the process of building the life they want to lead and that even homework assignments count.

On a very practical level, you should also remind that, even after a university accepts an applicant, they can review the student’s recent transcripts and rescind their offer, if grades have fallen. If your teens don’t believe you, they can ask their guidance counselor.

Say This: “I suggest you both take a break. Get outside for a half an hour. Go for a walk or run, then come back to your homework and reset in a room where you can concentrate. It’ll help.”

Not That: “Have you done your homework yet?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My senior prom is next weekend. I trust myself to say, “no,” if my friends want to do something that I don’t, but I’m still a little worried about how that will go down. How do I say, “no,” without being a party pooper? Is that even possible? - Piper

Dear Piper: Happy Prom! The short answer to your second question is yes. Let’s talk about how (and answer your first question).

Be confident in your delivery. “No,” is, “no.” It’s not “maybe,” “okay,” “sure,” and it’s definitely not, “yes.” Use body language and tone of voice to convey the sincerity and severity of your decision. To do this, stand tall when you speak and use an even, neutral tone. Don’t drag out the letters or elongate your words; this will make you sound uncertain. If people can sense your seriousness, they’re more likely to back off. If they continue to push, don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, or simply walk away.

Practice. It may seem silly, but if you’re anxious about saying, “no,” you should get more comfortable with the word. Practice on your own, with others, in front of the mirror; and do it repeatedly.

Redirect. When your answer is, “no,” you might suggest an alternative to the original proposal. By giving people other options, you may help them reconsider their own decision and move everyone in a better direction.

Find kindred spirits. Your friends are your choice. While you don’t want to only surround yourself with people who always agree with you, the opposite is also true. Choose friends that share your values and standards. Not only will you share a deeper connection, but they’re more likely to join you when it’s time to say, “no.”

If all else fails, remove yourself from the situation. There’s plenty to do at prom (and there will be plenty to do on prom night). Have a backup plan so your night isn’t dependent on the whims of any one person, except you.

Have fun!

�

Say This: “Thanks, but no. I’m good.”

Not That: “I don’t know...” (You do know.)

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION