Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m a junior in college. It’s the middle of the semester, and I’m pretty happy with the clubs and groups I’ve joined, overall. But the sorority sisters pull rank more often than they need to, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. How can I dodge the petty politics? - Taylor

Dear Taylor: We’re glad you’re involved on campus! Participating in college groups will benefit you long after you’ve graduated. Recent studies have even linked participation in college organizations with positive occupational outcomes after college. But, even the best groups come with official, and unofficial, social hierarchies. Here’s a few things you can do to stay diplomatic, when politics get political.

Figure out exactly what you’re dealing with. In your sorority, what are the written and unwritten rules? Figure out not only who’s in charge on paper, but who’s in charge in practice. Determine who goes against the mold, too. Understanding your sorority’s social hierarchy is just as important as understanding its official rules. Once you know how the power is distributed, you can find (or make) your own place.

Find your niche. You’re not in high school anymore, and you may not have a clique, but you’ll still have a niche — a group or subgroup that’s suited to your personality, preferences, and communication style. If you haven’t done so already, identify 2 or 3 club members you click with and stick with them. When you’re going against the grain, it helps to have likeminded friends to go with you.

Work against the negative politics. You know that phrase “kill them with kindness?” If things are getting heated, don’t fan the fire — put out the flames. Rather than returning gossip or criticizing other group members, encourage others and give praise where you can to help change the group culture for the better. Chances are you’ll even change yourself in the process. People learn by example, not by lecture, and petty politics present the perfect opportunity to do things differently.

Know when things are truly toxic. If group interactions or activities pose detriment to your health, safety, or wellbeing, it’s time to part ways. It’s one thing to stick something out and another to self-sabotage. Don’t by a martyr, and know when it’s time to cut ties. Regardless of the school you attend, there will be plenty of groups on campus that offer you opportunities to build community and connection. Good luck!

If your sorority sisters pull rank and they’ve overstepped their bounds –

Say This: “Thank you for that suggestion. Let’s consider a few, different approaches. After we all make our suggestions, we can vote and come to a decision together.”

Not That: “Okay. I guess that’s fine.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have a pretty specific problem. My friend and I recently went out for lunch, and at the end of the meal, she realized she didn’t have her wallet. I offered to foot the bill, with the understanding that she’d Venmo me back later. (Yes, we discussed and agreed to this.) That was over a week ago, and she hasn’t responded to any of my texts since. What do I do now? - Audrey

Dear Audrey: When money changes hands (or bank accounts via electronic transmission), things can get a little awkward. Apps like Venmo spare us the impracticalities of splitting a bill with multiple credit cards, but they don’t cut any social costs. For future, we suggest asking that your friend Venmo you then and there, before you give your card to pay the bill. When the check comes, look at it together, decide how to split it, and ask her to Venmo you before you part ways.

For now, there’s a few things you can do. First, stay on top of this, and address it as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more awkward it gets, and the more strain it can place on your friendship. When you text your friend, are you reminding her to reimburse you? If not, then you should.

Be kind, but direct and assertive. Make sure when you’re asking for reimbursement, you’re specific about the amount owed. That way, no one can claim confusion. Venmo allows you to send a virtual request for money. If you haven’t done so already, you might want to send your friend a nudge through the app.

While we’re sure you’re feeling frustrated, don’t jump to conclusions. Your friend might have forgotten, or she may be tight on money. Keep in mind that everyone’s financial circumstances are different, and that some people don’t feel comfortable discussing money, even with close friends. Encourage your friend to be honest with you, and see if you can both agree on a date that she can pay you back by, if she can’t do so right away. If you prefer, make things “even” by letting your friend treat you the next time you grab a meal. Find an opportunity for her to cover a cost of equal value in the near future and let her know she can get you next time.

Whether you prefer direct reimbursement or trading off on treating each other, it’s important that you both feel equal and respected in your relationship. While it can be awkward to address money, it’s worse for the friendship if you let this issue go unaddressed. Make sure that you clear the air and come up with a solution you’re both comfortable with.

Say This: “Hey! I haven’t heard from you since I asked you to Venmo me. I hope you’re not feeling uncomfortable. If you can’t pay me back right away, I understand, we’ll just set a date for you to pay me back/you can get me next time.”

Not That: “Are you avoiding me? Don’t worry about paying me back.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: Valentine’s Day is around the corner and I’m ready to admit defeat. My wife and I have only been married for 5 years, but we’re fresh out of romantic ideas. How do I keep things loving and exciting, when there’s really nothing new to learn about each other? -Jeremy

Dear Jeremy: With all due respect, you’ve got that wrong. No matter how well you know a person, it’s impossible to know everything about them. We’re all dynamic; constantly evolving with the chaos and change of life. Successful marriages require both partners to pursue and study each other through the years. As you’re experiencing, most often it’s not neglect or disinterest that sidelines a marriage. The daily humdrum displaces the enthusiasm we begin with, and it can starve us for passion, if we let it. On any given weekday, there are checklists and obligations that consume our time. When we’re caught up in minutia, it’s easy to lose the forest in the trees.

With that said, there are many, simple things you can do to keep romance alive. Not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.

Look each other in the eyes. This may seem like a given - until you find yourself at the dinner table, responding to your fourteenth consecutive email. Sometimes, we’re so consumed by work and screens that we don’t realize we’re ignoring one another. While the effects of this distraction aren’t always felt in the moment, they accumulate. When we’re distracted, it may be impersonal. But our partners may still receive it as dismissal and rejection. Be selective with your attention and look your wife in the eyes when she speaks with you. (Of course, she needs to do the same for you). If you find yourself inevitably distracted, acknowledge it. Tell your wife, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. I just got an urgent email and I’ll feel stressed if I don’t get back to them right away.”

Take a break from talking about logistics. When all of your interactions are information exchange, communication becomes boring and routine. Your spouse is your co-captain, but that is not their sum total. When you’re done addressing the humdrum, ask your wife what brought her joy today. Ask her for her most unpopular opinion. Then let her ask you. (Hint: This is a good Valentine’s Day dinner exercise).

Learn and serve together. The same brain chemistry at play in the early stages of romance can be reinvigorated by new experiences. Many couples reach a romantic stalemate when they think to themselves, “we know everything about each other.” So, turn your mutual (or individual) interests outward and learn something new. Find a cooking class, learn a new sport or language together, or, teach your wife how to do something you’re already good at and let her teach you something she enjoys. Dare to have some fun!

Happy Valentine’s Day, All!

Say This: “If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be and why?”

Not That: “What do you want to do for dinner tonight?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION