Dear Ilana and Jess: We all know that New Year’s resolutions fail more often than not. Why is it that we lose motivation so quickly and what can we do to keep it up? — Jen 

Dear Jen: For the resolution-making kind, New Year’s may bring a renewed commitment to self-improvement. We know that this particular turn of the calendar packs more meaning than most; and that’s part of the problem.

To make goals that stick, we’ve got to rethink our approach to change. There are a few things wrong with the emphasis placed on New Year’s resolutions. First, it puts an inordinate amount of pressure to make long-term changes overnight. Second, it implies that the New Year’s holiday presents a somehow unique opportunity to create change, when it really offers no advantage (apart from symbolic meaning and social expectations). In fact, this time of the year can come with a range of obstacles to making change: a return to old routines after the holidays, cold and inclement weather, new projects at work, etc.

Don’t get us wrong: turning a new page and committing to change are wonderful ideas. But goals need to be supported with follow-through. Here are several ways to keep the goals you set:

Don’t treat your New Year’s resolution(s) as the only opportunity to change your habits. When resolutions are abandoned by mid-January, most people quit the change-making process. Don’t view New Year’s Day as your one and only shot to start a new habit or rhythm. Instead, treat January as your launchpad and anticipate setbacks; they’re a normal part of change (and life.)

In keeping with this, don’t leave goal-setting for January. Let inspiration strike you at any time of the year, and don’t wait for a mile marker to start working toward your goal. Waiting to start is just another form of making excuses.

Don’t try to change everything at once. When we go too big too soon, we set ourselves up for failure. For example, let’s say you (like many of us) want to improve your fitness practices. If you haven’t attended the gym in a year, don’t set a goal of spending 3 hours at the gym, every day. Not only is such a goal unrealistic, it’s probably incompatible with your professional and personal life. We all do better at making long-term change when we take advantage of the snowball effect; starting with small, achievable steps performed consistently. Over time, these changes lend themselves to bigger ones. Following the fitness example, setting the goal that you will attend the gym at least twice a week will make it more attainable, help you achieve success and feel successful, and will make it easier to increase gym attendance down the line.

Say This: “I’m going to commit myself to going to the gym at least two times per week/playing the piano every Friday/turning off my phone for 15 minutes a day.”

Not That: “New year, new me.”

We wish you all a very Happy New Year! 

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My wife and I love to treat our children for Christmas. We shower them with gifts, but after all the presents are unwrapped and the morning rush is gone, they become disengaged and unappreciative. How can we get them to savor the day and show some gratitude next December? — Aaron 

Dear Aaron: First, we hope you and your family had a very Merry Christmas! 

If the kids don’t pace themselves while unwrapping gifts, set the pace for them. You can manage this by creating a rule that, before moving from one gift to the next, the kids must: show the opened gift to you and their sibling(s), say, “thank you,” for it, and wait for your “okay,” before opening the next present. 

Once the gifts are opened, involve your kids in the cleanup. Gratitude is best demonstrated through deeds, not words. When you hold your children accountable for throwing away/recycling the wrapping paper, you send the message that they are expected to contribute and are not entitled to anything.

As you celebrate the holiday, have your children help you and your wife in some capacity. Whether you ask them to put away coats, set the table for your guests, or load the dishwasher after dinner, it’s important that your children’s role in the family entails giving, not just receiving.

Next year, consider creating expectations around Christmas gifts. If you aren’t doing so already, have the kids fulfill chores, earn specific grades, and/or complete acts of kindness in order to earn the items on their Christmas lists. When creating these expectations, it’s important to be specific, so that the kids can see the relationship between action and outcome. Of course, you don’t want to spoil the surprise, so you can make the reward collective, for example: “Mom and I really want to reward your hard work this Christmas. This means we want to see you to help around the house and get all A’s and B’s on your report card.” If your kids believe in Santa, you can easily weave him into the equation. Just remind them that, like Mom and Dad, he’s watching! 

Say This: “Kids, we want you to really cherish this time and appreciate each of your gifts. So, this year and moving forward, after you open each gift, you’re going to show it to your brother(s)/sister(s), Mom and Dad, and be sure to say, ‘thank you’ for what you’ve received. When we give you the go ahead, you can open your next gift.” 

Not That: “You just don’t appreciate anything!”

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all! 

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I am one of many who finds the holidays incredibly hard. We lost my mother-in-law last Thanksgiving, and my father six months ago. I am trying to be cheerful for the sake of my kids, but I am dreading Christmas and the loss I know I’ll feel. Is there anything I can do to make the holidays more bearable? — Christine

Dear Christine: First and foremost, we want to say how deeply sorry we are for your losses. Grief is something we understand professionally and personally, and it always aches us to hear that someone is enduring it.

We want to emphasize that grief manifests and affects each of us differently. With respectful acknowledgment of this, we propose the below not with the expectation or intent of erasing your pain, but with the hope of helping you find greater peace of mind.

Given the complexity and magnitude of grief, we always suggest that families going through bereavement speak with a counselor. You might consider individual therapy, family therapy, or even a grief support group. Processing your emotions with someone who can extend empathy and provide psychological support can have a tremendous impact.

One of the things that can make the holidays so difficult is the emphasis on tradition. It’s hard to face an empty chair at the dinner table that was always reserved for a loved one, or to reassign a role in the celebrations that belonged to someone we’ve lost.

Before Christmas arrives, it can be helpful to think about which parts of the day you expect to be the most difficult, and to consider how you can cope as these moments arise. For example, if you believe you’ll feel sad while watching an annual Christmas movie, you might consider sitting close to the edge of the room, in case you’d like to step out for a private moment. If you feel most comforted in the company of others, consider making sure you’re seated next to your spouse. Keep in mind that we can’t always anticipate the ways in which grief will present. Be kind to yourself and remember that it is okay if you feel differently than the way you expected: whether you feel better or worse.

When we try to replicate a tradition without the person who started it, lead it, or shaped it, we may feel their absence even more profoundly. Consider starting a new tradition that honors the memory of your loved ones. For example, if your father always cut the turkey, perhaps you and any siblings you might have want to alternate cutting the turkey each year, after taking a moment to share one of your favorite memories of him. If your mother-in-law always baked cookies, consider spending time teaching your own children how to make them the way she did.

Finally, remember that things will feel different because they are different. Unburden yourself from the pressure to keep things as they were. Most importantly, honor and celebrate the lives of those you love in a manner that feels meaningful and right to you and your family.

Say This: “I’d like to honor Grandma and Grandpa by creating a new tradition, inspired by the ones they started.”

Not That: “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION