Dear Ilana and Jess: My wife and I love to treat our children for Christmas. We shower them with gifts, but after all the presents are unwrapped and the morning rush is gone, they become disengaged and unappreciative. How can we get them to savor the day and show some gratitude next December? — Aaron 

Dear Aaron: First, we hope you and your family had a very Merry Christmas! 

If the kids don’t pace themselves while unwrapping gifts, set the pace for them. You can manage this by creating a rule that, before moving from one gift to the next, the kids must: show the opened gift to you and their sibling(s), say, “thank you,” for it, and wait for your “okay,” before opening the next present. 

Once the gifts are opened, involve your kids in the cleanup. Gratitude is best demonstrated through deeds, not words. When you hold your children accountable for throwing away/recycling the wrapping paper, you send the message that they are expected to contribute and are not entitled to anything.

As you celebrate the holiday, have your children help you and your wife in some capacity. Whether you ask them to put away coats, set the table for your guests, or load the dishwasher after dinner, it’s important that your children’s role in the family entails giving, not just receiving.

Next year, consider creating expectations around Christmas gifts. If you aren’t doing so already, have the kids fulfill chores, earn specific grades, and/or complete acts of kindness in order to earn the items on their Christmas lists. When creating these expectations, it’s important to be specific, so that the kids can see the relationship between action and outcome. Of course, you don’t want to spoil the surprise, so you can make the reward collective, for example: “Mom and I really want to reward your hard work this Christmas. This means we want to see you to help around the house and get all A’s and B’s on your report card.” If your kids believe in Santa, you can easily weave him into the equation. Just remind them that, like Mom and Dad, he’s watching! 

Say This: “Kids, we want you to really cherish this time and appreciate each of your gifts. So, this year and moving forward, after you open each gift, you’re going to show it to your brother(s)/sister(s), Mom and Dad, and be sure to say, ‘thank you’ for what you’ve received. When we give you the go ahead, you can open your next gift.” 

Not That: “You just don’t appreciate anything!”

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all! 

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I am one of many who finds the holidays incredibly hard. We lost my mother-in-law last Thanksgiving, and my father six months ago. I am trying to be cheerful for the sake of my kids, but I am dreading Christmas and the loss I know I’ll feel. Is there anything I can do to make the holidays more bearable? — Christine

Dear Christine: First and foremost, we want to say how deeply sorry we are for your losses. Grief is something we understand professionally and personally, and it always aches us to hear that someone is enduring it.

We want to emphasize that grief manifests and affects each of us differently. With respectful acknowledgment of this, we propose the below not with the expectation or intent of erasing your pain, but with the hope of helping you find greater peace of mind.

Given the complexity and magnitude of grief, we always suggest that families going through bereavement speak with a counselor. You might consider individual therapy, family therapy, or even a grief support group. Processing your emotions with someone who can extend empathy and provide psychological support can have a tremendous impact.

One of the things that can make the holidays so difficult is the emphasis on tradition. It’s hard to face an empty chair at the dinner table that was always reserved for a loved one, or to reassign a role in the celebrations that belonged to someone we’ve lost.

Before Christmas arrives, it can be helpful to think about which parts of the day you expect to be the most difficult, and to consider how you can cope as these moments arise. For example, if you believe you’ll feel sad while watching an annual Christmas movie, you might consider sitting close to the edge of the room, in case you’d like to step out for a private moment. If you feel most comforted in the company of others, consider making sure you’re seated next to your spouse. Keep in mind that we can’t always anticipate the ways in which grief will present. Be kind to yourself and remember that it is okay if you feel differently than the way you expected: whether you feel better or worse.

When we try to replicate a tradition without the person who started it, lead it, or shaped it, we may feel their absence even more profoundly. Consider starting a new tradition that honors the memory of your loved ones. For example, if your father always cut the turkey, perhaps you and any siblings you might have want to alternate cutting the turkey each year, after taking a moment to share one of your favorite memories of him. If your mother-in-law always baked cookies, consider spending time teaching your own children how to make them the way she did.

Finally, remember that things will feel different because they are different. Unburden yourself from the pressure to keep things as they were. Most importantly, honor and celebrate the lives of those you love in a manner that feels meaningful and right to you and your family.

Say This: “I’d like to honor Grandma and Grandpa by creating a new tradition, inspired by the ones they started.”

Not That: “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: Like the rest of us, I want the holidays to be relaxing. I find that they rarely are. We visit my in-laws every year, but my kids always seem to be bored. What can my wife and I do to cut down the complaints? — Steve

Dear Steve: When it comes to holiday travel, there are a lot of logistics to consider. One of the things we always recommend is that parents plan at least one thing that everyone will genuinely enjoy. Of course, you’re not going to love every kitsch or kiddy thing your children want to do, but find something you will. Maybe the whole family loves a good movie, or really excels at ice skating. Whatever it is, find one thing that gets the whole band onboard. If there’s nothing you can all agree on, take turns letting each family member pick an activity they like.

Complaints often come into play when hopes are dashed or expectations are unmet. Prevent this from happening by telling the kids what to expect, as much as you can. Describe ongoing and upcoming tasks, and give an estimated time commitment. For example, if you’re going to be visiting your in-laws for a few hours on a Saturday morning, let the kids know: “Hey, we’re going to be here until about noon, then we’re going to find a place to eat.” This will help alleviate any frustration that comes from ambiguity. 

Help your kids plan what to do during boring intervals, like long car rides. It’s important that the they learn to cope with nonpreferred activities and regulate the corresponding emotions. If the kids are young (4-10), letting them know when they can expect to eat, get out of the car, and do something they want (for example, play video games) will be particularly helpful. Make clear expectations surrounding behavior and interaction, especially if they’ll be spending time with a large group of people. For example, tell the kids, “I want to make sure you say ‘hi’ to Aunt Linda and Uncle Pete. Make sure you also wish them a Happy Anniversary. Once you’ve done that, you can take a break and play some video games upstairs.” 

Say This: “We’re going to plan one activity we will all enjoy during our trip. If we can’t agree on the activity, everyone gets to pick one, small thing they’d like to do with the family. When we’re visiting Grandma and Grandpa’s house, the rule is that you have to say hello to everyone there before you can take a break and play some video games. When your Mom and I tell you to come back and spend more time with the family, then that’s what you’re going to do. Understood?"

Not That: “Stop complaining!”

To all those celebrating, we wish you a very Happy Hanukkah! 

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION