Dear Ilana and Jess: We’re down to the wire with college applications and my daughter still hasn’t made any headway. They’re due within the next week or two, but she hasn’t even started. How do I get her to get them done? — Spencer

Dear Spencer: When it comes to procrastination, college applications hit the trifecta: boring, tedious and daunting. Avoidance always occurs for a reason, and most often, that reason is fear-related. Read between the lines of your daughter’s excuses and you’re likely to find that she is overwhelmed by what she has to do. 

To help her out, take apart the task and break it into smaller parts. When the looming goal is, “get into college,” every little step can feel huge. Take one application at a time. To do this, have your daughter clarify the applications she’ll be completing, then lay out the deadlines for each in a calendar or planner. Create smaller goals that are centered on each, individual application. For example, if your daughter’s first application is due next Thursday, you might create the goal of writing her personal statement by Monday. (It’s always a good idea to get the hardest work done before the school week starts back up again). Make sure that your daughter looks at each component of the application when planning her approach, so you don’t have to contend with any last-minute surprises. 

Say This: “It seems like you’re feeling really overwhelmed and I want to help you out. Here’s the plan: Tonight, we’re going to go through all of the applications, and put the deadlines for each into the calendar. We’ll work on one a day, beginning with those that are due first.” 

Not That: “I can’t believe these aren’t done yet!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: The dreaded day has finally come: My 16-year-old daughter, Haley, has had her first heartbreak. I know it’s a rite of passage, but it’s an ugly one. How do I help her heal? — Grace

Dear Grace: This one stings, and we’re sorry that it’s Haley’s turn. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the breakup, the demise of first love is devastating. The fact of the matter is that there are a million ways to break a heart, and none of them are painless. 

Although you want to fix her up, ignoring the pain is a rookie mistake. Pretending all is well won’t make it so. Don’t make light of Haley’s distress, and don’t behave as though it isn’t happening. For example, reminding Haley that she’s a teenager, who will go through many boyfriends, is totally unhelpful. It may well be true, but it doesn’t make things better for her in the here and now. It also minimizes her very real pain. 

Keeping busy and maintaining structure is a helpful way to make life move forward. Encourage Haley to persist in her normal, daily routines, while also giving her time and space to rest, when she needs it. Balance is key. 

Maybe you’re well versed in heartache. Maybe you’re not. Either way, you’re Haley’s parent. That means your input can only go so far. Let Haley listen to someone else who’s gone through it. Send her a TEDx talk on breakups. You can even suggest that she watch an interview of her favorite actress talking about the end of her first, big relationship. It’s easier to believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel when you’re sure it exists.

Finally, help Haley make meaning by volunteering to support a worthy cause. It will keep her busy, give her perspective, elicit positive feelings, and will stand alone as a good deed. Google volunteer opportunities in your zip code, reach out to your house of worship, or ask around to find ways to give back in your area. 

Say This: “Haley, I’m sorry. Know that it’s okay to cry and be sad. Keeping structure and routines helps us get through heartbreak. Take breaks throughout the day, but don’t abandon your schedule. Let’s look into some volunteer opportunities you can participate in this weekend. It will feel good to give time and attention to meaningful causes.”

Not That: “You have plenty of time to meet someone. Be patient!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My 15-year-old daughter Charlotte can’t stop obsessing over what everyone else is doing. She is terrified of missing out and tries to be all places, at all times. She won’t let my wife and I schedule anything, because she’s afraid that she’ll miss some opportunity that may come up on such and such date. What can I do to get her to do her own thing? — Jeremy

Dear Jeremy: Fear of missing out, or FOMO, as it’s now dubbed, is a side effect of the digital age that plagues many teens, preteens, and young adults. Social media allows our kids to be essentially omnipresent: Charlotte has a birds-eye view of the lives of everyone around her, available 24/7. Part of the issue is this relentless exposure to alternatives. But that’s not the whole story. 

The perception that we’re missing out is similar to the idea that we’re doing something wrong. If Charlotte is hyper-concerned about what she should or could be doing, there’s likely a bigger issue at play. She may be trying to use every opportunity to get the attention of someone who is hot and cold. She may be trying to position herself in the pathway of a crush. She may be worried that others will misunderstand her absence if she backs out of an event, or fails to make plans. She may even feel anxious about simply saying, “no.” Whether it’s one of these, all of these, or none, the bottom line is that there’s more to FOMO than meets the eye. Explore it by asking Charlotte, “What would happen if you missed something you really wanted to go to? How would you feel, and what do you think would happen next?” Make sure Charlotte knows you’re asking sincerely, and not belittling her concerns. 

Once you get a handle on the issue, you can address the FOMO more directly and effectively. This may mean scheduling breaks from social media — even if they’re as short as 15 minutes at a time — and doing a little reality check: “How many times have you actually missed out on something?” Help Charlotte debunk the myth that she isn’t involved enough. If it turns out that she is missing out on quite a bit, help her take practical steps to address the problem, whether it comes down to scheduling issues or a social difficulty. 

Say This: “What would happen if you missed something you really wanted to go to? How would you feel, and what do you think would happen next?”

Not That: “You need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and just worry about yourself.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION