Dear Ilana and Jess: It breaks my heart, but my wife and I simply can’t afford the clothes our kids want. We have two sons who are always after the newest, top-of-the-line, sneakers, and two daughters who are glued to the Kardashians’ Instagram accounts. Our kids are good kids, and their expectations are realistic. We are grateful to have respectful children, who understand what’s important. But, we also know that there’s pressure at school to look and dress a certain way. We don’t want our kids to succumb, but we do want them to express themselves. How can we help them find clothes that make them feel good, without going bankrupt? — David

Dear David: First, we want to applaud you and your wife; you seem to be treading the line between indulgence and temperance very carefully. As you (rightly) pointed out, gratitude is the priority. When your kids are contending with the pressure to conform, it can be difficult to sort what’s helpful from what’s hurtful. You want to treat your kids, but you don’t want to encourage competition or materialism. You want them to know that self-expression is a good thing, but you don’t want them to believe there is a “right” way to look and dress. To help you send the right message, reward your deserving kids, and keep your bank account happy, we have several recommendations.

The first is good, old-fashioned allowance. Allowance is a family staple because it works on many levels. For one, allowance instills the value of hard work. Speak with your wife to determine a reasonable dollar amount each of the kids can earn, per week. In addition, develop clear-cut rules about: how much the children can save and whether they are allowed to pool their money. Once you’ve established the boundaries, communicate them to your children. When your kids work for their own money, they become active in reaching their goals. They’ll also have to decide how they’d like to spend the money they earn. In short, you’re teaching them to make judicious, financial decisions, in an age-appropriate way. You’re also giving your kids the opportunity to treat themselves, without entitling them.

Help your kids use clothing to develop their personal style. Lots of parents fear that focusing too much on clothing can encourage self-consciousness and superficiality. Teach your kids that their clothing doesn’t define who they are. Instead, it’s something they can use to express themselves. Sit down with your sons and daughters and ask them to lay out their favorite outfit. Once they’ve picked it, ask them: What do you like the most about this outfit? What words describe how you feel when you’re wearing this outfit? What do you think this outfit says about your unique personality? Use your kids’ responses to help them find affordable clothes that achieve the same, creative goals.

Have the kids use social media to show you celebrity outfits they like, then help them find affordable alternatives. For example, if one of your daughters loves an outfit that Taylor Swift wore, Google search, “get Taylor Swift’s floral outfit for less.” Let’s say you find out that Taylor’s actual outfit is from Free People. Shop in stores that sell less expensive clothing, in a similar vein. If you need help locating them, search, “cheaper stores like Free People.” You can also try department stores that sell discounted, designer items, like Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, and Century 21.

Most importantly, remind your kids that above all else, it is the way they choose to behave -- not what they choose to wear -- that shapes their lives.

Say This: “I want to help you create your own, unique style. This will be a good thing, but we have to do it in an affordable way. Let’s pick your favorite outfit that you already own, and you can tell me what you like the most about it. We can find similar pieces that make you feel equally as confident. Maybe we’ll go back to the store where you got it, and if their selection matches your style, we’ll stick with it! You can also show me one of your favorite outfits that _____ wears. Then, we are going to Google search, ‘get _____’s look for less.’ That’s how we will go about finding an affordable alternative.”

Not That: “It doesn’t matter what you wear! Don’t worry about it.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this, but I need help getting my 13-year-old son, Tyler, off of video games. If he’s not at school, he’s in front of the computer, totally absorbed. He doesn’t seem to want to do anything but get on those games: He stopped making plans with friends, he doesn’t play his guitar anymore. Tyler was a good kid who always listened to me. Now, he’s trying to access his games 24/7. It’s all so unlike him. How do I break my son’s obsession with video games? — Jackie

Dear Jackie: There’s good reason why we hear this question a lot. Your suspicion that this is more than a compliance issue is correct. To help Tyler get off the games, you have to understand their appeal, first.

Video games activate the brain’s reward system. This means that Tyler gets an automatic mood boost anytime he plays. Pair game play with dopamine (a chemical responsible for happiness) enough and you’ve built yourself a very strong habit. For kids who have a diagnosis that affects self-regulation, like ADHD, detaching from video games is even harder.

In addition to the chemical kick the games give, there are a number of other rewards. Many of these games are structured to create a feeling of accomplishment and completion; this in of itself can be habit-forming. In addition, most of these games have a heavy social component, allowing users to connect with other players all over the world. It is the easiest social experience — removed of all risk, with companions built-in and no effort required.

At this stage, Tyler can’t effectively regulate his time on and off the games. That means it’s up to you to set the boundaries. Access to video games must be contingent upon compliance with daily tasks, including homework, chores, extracurricular commitments. Set parental controls that allow you to dictate when games can be accessed online. If these aren’t effective, keep electronics stowed away until Tyler is permitted to use video games. While this may seem like a lot, remember the importance of your task: you’re helping Tyler build a full and balanced life.

Regulate the amount of electronics time Tyler gets on a nightly basis. If Tyler usually plays for three hours, scale that time back to one hour. Set goals that engage Tyler in his social and creative outlets. These goals should pertain to rewards and, as you might guess, video games will be your best reinforcer. Allow Tyler to earn a (finite) amount of electronics time — 15 minutes — on top of the allotted, one hour. For example, 15 minutes of guitar practice = 15 extra minutes of video game time. Ensure that goals include social engagement, such as making (and sticking to) plans with friends or attending a school event.

As Tyler invests in other areas of his life, video games will become less important. Keep in mind that this will take time, and consistency is key. If you lapse on the rules, you set progress back. Keep your eye on the prize and anticipate some pushback; it’s hard to give up the things you enjoy! Make sure Tyler has plenty to look forward to and help him revisit the hobbies he used to enjoy for their own sake. Make time for leisure on a daily basis and ensure that Tyler’s recreational activities are, in fact, recreational.

Say This: “Tyler, it’s really important that you lead a full life. We’re going to pull back the video games to devote some of your time to other things. Moving forward, you can have one hour of video games per night, if you finish all of your homework and chores first. I’m going to lay out some goals that you can accomplish to earn an extra 15 minutes of video game time each night.”

Not That: “Are you playing video games again?”

A word from the authors, for all parents: If you have concerns about dependencies or addiction, we recommend seeking the help of a mental health professional as soon as possible. The strategies discussed in this column may not be suitable for every individual, or family.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My husband and I attend back-to-school night faithfully every year, but I never leave with anything useful. I know it’s called back-to-school night, but I have to say, I think it’s held too early in the school year. Usually, things don’t get difficult for the kids for a few more weeks. How can I make the most out of back-to-school night? — Allison

Dear Allison: Even if the ongoing school year hasn’t given you much to talk about, this isn’t your first rodeo — or your kids’. Before you head into those meetings, draft a list of difficulties your children experienced during the previous school year. Maybe they’ve struggled with their work loads, or have had trouble with specific subjects. When making your list, consider all aspects of their academic lives — from classroom behavior to homework, social engagement, and extra curriculars.

Before you attend back-to-school night, prepare questions that lend themselves to actionable steps. For example, ask the teachers: “How can I help my child do well in your class? Are there any study strategies you recommend? What are the most difficult concepts covered?” The more specific the information you gather, the better. Be sure to ask each of your kids’ teachers about the most challenging projects or papers they assign in their class. Then ask how your children can best prepare for these assignments, and when they’ll be due.

Help your children’s teachers get to know them by giving the background information they’ve yet to gather. Back-to-school night is the perfect time to give teachers a heads-up about learning difficulties, academic accommodations, and areas of concern. When your children’s teachers know what to watch for, they can intervene proactively, communicate with you promptly, and prevent problems from happening.

Children spend more time at school than they do at home. The relationships they build with their teachers will have lifelong impact. Invest in these relationships by showing your kids’ teachers that they are valued. Consider purchasing each of them a $10 gift card to your local book store or favorite coffee place. It’s a small gesture of appreciation that will help them remember you.

Finally, remember that the old adage about the squeaky wheel applies. Don’t be afraid to take initiative in opening the lines of communication with your children’s teachers. If you forget to ask them something, or think of a new question after the night is over, reach out to them in an email or organize an additional meeting. If you don’t receive a reply, follow up!

Say This: “How can I help my child do well in your class?”

Not That: “I don’t have any questions yet!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION