Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this, but I need help getting my 13-year-old son, Tyler, off of video games. If he’s not at school, he’s in front of the computer, totally absorbed. He doesn’t seem to want to do anything but get on those games: He stopped making plans with friends, he doesn’t play his guitar anymore. Tyler was a good kid who always listened to me. Now, he’s trying to access his games 24/7. It’s all so unlike him. How do I break my son’s obsession with video games? — Jackie

Dear Jackie: There’s good reason why we hear this question a lot. Your suspicion that this is more than a compliance issue is correct. To help Tyler get off the games, you have to understand their appeal, first.

Video games activate the brain’s reward system. This means that Tyler gets an automatic mood boost anytime he plays. Pair game play with dopamine (a chemical responsible for happiness) enough and you’ve built yourself a very strong habit. For kids who have a diagnosis that affects self-regulation, like ADHD, detaching from video games is even harder.

In addition to the chemical kick the games give, there are a number of other rewards. Many of these games are structured to create a feeling of accomplishment and completion; this in of itself can be habit-forming. In addition, most of these games have a heavy social component, allowing users to connect with other players all over the world. It is the easiest social experience — removed of all risk, with companions built-in and no effort required.

At this stage, Tyler can’t effectively regulate his time on and off the games. That means it’s up to you to set the boundaries. Access to video games must be contingent upon compliance with daily tasks, including homework, chores, extracurricular commitments. Set parental controls that allow you to dictate when games can be accessed online. If these aren’t effective, keep electronics stowed away until Tyler is permitted to use video games. While this may seem like a lot, remember the importance of your task: you’re helping Tyler build a full and balanced life.

Regulate the amount of electronics time Tyler gets on a nightly basis. If Tyler usually plays for three hours, scale that time back to one hour. Set goals that engage Tyler in his social and creative outlets. These goals should pertain to rewards and, as you might guess, video games will be your best reinforcer. Allow Tyler to earn a (finite) amount of electronics time — 15 minutes — on top of the allotted, one hour. For example, 15 minutes of guitar practice = 15 extra minutes of video game time. Ensure that goals include social engagement, such as making (and sticking to) plans with friends or attending a school event.

As Tyler invests in other areas of his life, video games will become less important. Keep in mind that this will take time, and consistency is key. If you lapse on the rules, you set progress back. Keep your eye on the prize and anticipate some pushback; it’s hard to give up the things you enjoy! Make sure Tyler has plenty to look forward to and help him revisit the hobbies he used to enjoy for their own sake. Make time for leisure on a daily basis and ensure that Tyler’s recreational activities are, in fact, recreational.

Say This: “Tyler, it’s really important that you lead a full life. We’re going to pull back the video games to devote some of your time to other things. Moving forward, you can have one hour of video games per night, if you finish all of your homework and chores first. I’m going to lay out some goals that you can accomplish to earn an extra 15 minutes of video game time each night.”

Not That: “Are you playing video games again?”

A word from the authors, for all parents: If you have concerns about dependencies or addiction, we recommend seeking the help of a mental health professional as soon as possible. The strategies discussed in this column may not be suitable for every individual, or family.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My husband and I attend back-to-school night faithfully every year, but I never leave with anything useful. I know it’s called back-to-school night, but I have to say, I think it’s held too early in the school year. Usually, things don’t get difficult for the kids for a few more weeks. How can I make the most out of back-to-school night? — Allison

Dear Allison: Even if the ongoing school year hasn’t given you much to talk about, this isn’t your first rodeo — or your kids’. Before you head into those meetings, draft a list of difficulties your children experienced during the previous school year. Maybe they’ve struggled with their work loads, or have had trouble with specific subjects. When making your list, consider all aspects of their academic lives — from classroom behavior to homework, social engagement, and extra curriculars.

Before you attend back-to-school night, prepare questions that lend themselves to actionable steps. For example, ask the teachers: “How can I help my child do well in your class? Are there any study strategies you recommend? What are the most difficult concepts covered?” The more specific the information you gather, the better. Be sure to ask each of your kids’ teachers about the most challenging projects or papers they assign in their class. Then ask how your children can best prepare for these assignments, and when they’ll be due.

Help your children’s teachers get to know them by giving the background information they’ve yet to gather. Back-to-school night is the perfect time to give teachers a heads-up about learning difficulties, academic accommodations, and areas of concern. When your children’s teachers know what to watch for, they can intervene proactively, communicate with you promptly, and prevent problems from happening.

Children spend more time at school than they do at home. The relationships they build with their teachers will have lifelong impact. Invest in these relationships by showing your kids’ teachers that they are valued. Consider purchasing each of them a $10 gift card to your local book store or favorite coffee place. It’s a small gesture of appreciation that will help them remember you.

Finally, remember that the old adage about the squeaky wheel applies. Don’t be afraid to take initiative in opening the lines of communication with your children’s teachers. If you forget to ask them something, or think of a new question after the night is over, reach out to them in an email or organize an additional meeting. If you don’t receive a reply, follow up!

Say This: “How can I help my child do well in your class?”

Not That: “I don’t have any questions yet!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Lauren, is 16 and has ADHD. Sometimes, it feels like she’s a walking contradiction. Most of the time she gets straight A’s, but she procrastinates until the last minute. No matter how many reminders I give her, she never remembers what I’ve asked her to do. How can I help her get ahead and follow through? — Patricia

Dear Patricia: Our very own Jess has ADHD, so she writes from personal and professional experience. We could fill a whole book on this topic (that’s our plan, in fact, so be on the lookout for Say This, Not That to the Teen with ADHD), but for now, we’ll stick to the problems you’ve pointed out.

Let’s start with procrastination. Individuals with ADHD tend to avoid tasks that are time-consuming and/or place a large demand on mental energy. When you have ADHD, attention-span is in short supply. Trying to move Lauren through her work by brute force — i.e. sit down and do it until it’s done — is going to further slow her momentum. Breaks, on the other hand, are rejuvenating. To keep Lauren from avoiding her work, help her approach it in increments. Have Lauren set a 15-minute timer and work consistently through that time. Help Lauren define what this will entail, before she sets in; this will help her feel intentional and effectual. For example, if Lauren has a geometry assignment that includes 14 problems, she might aim to complete 5-7 within the first 15 minutes. When the alarm sounds, it’s time for a break. Have Lauren set a 5-minute timer; this will signal that it’s time to return to task. Even if Lauren doesn’t feel the timers are necessary, make sure that she sets them. Not only will they help her to structure her time, partialize her tasks, and develop a rhythm for work, they will also help her to build a better internal clock. This lends itself to better time management.

Everyone’s attention span is different, so help Lauren keep track of how much time she can spend concentrating on a nonpreferred task (e.g. homework) before she starts to feel unfocused. Have Lauren write down her start time, then make a note of the time when she first finds herself off-task, or struggling to stay focused. Set timers accordingly. For example, if Lauren can usually work for 20 minutes without feeling unfocused, she should work in 20-minute bursts. Every 3 weeks, she should increase this interval by 5 minutes, until she gets to 45. If Lauren takes medication for her ADHD, it’ll be important for her to measure attention span when she is on and off her medication, and to set her timers accordingly.

Even for those of us who don’t have ADHD, procrastination is fueled by stress. If Lauren perceives a task to be beyond her abilities, she may shut down. Teach Lauren to conduct her own needs assessment when she finds herself overwhelmed. If you notice that she’s putting off a task, ask: “what’s stumping you about this assignment?” If she’s not sure, you can ask her outright: “what’s the worst part of an assignment like this?” Narrowing the question to “what’s worst,” will help Lauren pinpoint the crux of the issue. Once Lauren has identified the problem(s), she can work toward a solution. For example, if Lauren says that she doesn’t understand a particular concept necessary to complete a chemistry assignment, she can start her “assignment” by texting a classmate who understands the material a bit better. Learning how to problem-solve is an essential executive functioning skill.

ADHD can majorly affect short-term memory. What that means, essentially, is that Lauren’s brain hears what you’re saying, but doesn’t always hit the record button. Repeating yourself won’t help; remember, she’s not recording. Instead of expecting Lauren to rely on her working memory, which creates frustration for both of you, help her develop the habit of writing things down and setting reminders. When you need to ask Lauren something, be sure to request her undivided attention; have Lauren stop what she’s doing and ensure that she’s making eye contact. Then have her take out her planner or phone. Tell Lauren to make a note or list of what needs to get done, then have her use a reminder app to set an alert on her phone. It’s best for Lauren to set multiple alarms, so that she can get a sense of the passage of time. In addition, it’s important that the alerts sound before a task or assignment is due, so that Lauren has ample time to complete it.

Make sure that Lauren’s reminders are accessible to her in the moment she needs to remember. For example, if Lauren needs to remember to turn in an assignment, a phone alarm might be too disruptive for class. Instead, have Lauren place a Post-It note directly on the notebook or folder she’ll use in that class. This will ensure that she sees her reminder right when she needs to.

Say This: “Lauren, I need you to take care of a few things. Grab your phone and start a list in the notes app. Then set a reminder on your phone/watch. Have it sound 10 minutes before you’re supposed to start and 10 minutes before you need to be done. Once you’ve set the reminder, please show me.”

Not That: “How did you forget? I told you 45 times!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION