Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Lauren, is 16 and has ADHD. Sometimes, it feels like she’s a walking contradiction. Most of the time she gets straight A’s, but she procrastinates until the last minute. No matter how many reminders I give her, she never remembers what I’ve asked her to do. How can I help her get ahead and follow through? — Patricia

Dear Patricia: Our very own Jess has ADHD, so she writes from personal and professional experience. We could fill a whole book on this topic (that’s our plan, in fact, so be on the lookout for Say This, Not That to the Teen with ADHD), but for now, we’ll stick to the problems you’ve pointed out.

Let’s start with procrastination. Individuals with ADHD tend to avoid tasks that are time-consuming and/or place a large demand on mental energy. When you have ADHD, attention-span is in short supply. Trying to move Lauren through her work by brute force — i.e. sit down and do it until it’s done — is going to further slow her momentum. Breaks, on the other hand, are rejuvenating. To keep Lauren from avoiding her work, help her approach it in increments. Have Lauren set a 15-minute timer and work consistently through that time. Help Lauren define what this will entail, before she sets in; this will help her feel intentional and effectual. For example, if Lauren has a geometry assignment that includes 14 problems, she might aim to complete 5-7 within the first 15 minutes. When the alarm sounds, it’s time for a break. Have Lauren set a 5-minute timer; this will signal that it’s time to return to task. Even if Lauren doesn’t feel the timers are necessary, make sure that she sets them. Not only will they help her to structure her time, partialize her tasks, and develop a rhythm for work, they will also help her to build a better internal clock. This lends itself to better time management.

Everyone’s attention span is different, so help Lauren keep track of how much time she can spend concentrating on a nonpreferred task (e.g. homework) before she starts to feel unfocused. Have Lauren write down her start time, then make a note of the time when she first finds herself off-task, or struggling to stay focused. Set timers accordingly. For example, if Lauren can usually work for 20 minutes without feeling unfocused, she should work in 20-minute bursts. Every 3 weeks, she should increase this interval by 5 minutes, until she gets to 45. If Lauren takes medication for her ADHD, it’ll be important for her to measure attention span when she is on and off her medication, and to set her timers accordingly.

Even for those of us who don’t have ADHD, procrastination is fueled by stress. If Lauren perceives a task to be beyond her abilities, she may shut down. Teach Lauren to conduct her own needs assessment when she finds herself overwhelmed. If you notice that she’s putting off a task, ask: “what’s stumping you about this assignment?” If she’s not sure, you can ask her outright: “what’s the worst part of an assignment like this?” Narrowing the question to “what’s worst,” will help Lauren pinpoint the crux of the issue. Once Lauren has identified the problem(s), she can work toward a solution. For example, if Lauren says that she doesn’t understand a particular concept necessary to complete a chemistry assignment, she can start her “assignment” by texting a classmate who understands the material a bit better. Learning how to problem-solve is an essential executive functioning skill.

ADHD can majorly affect short-term memory. What that means, essentially, is that Lauren’s brain hears what you’re saying, but doesn’t always hit the record button. Repeating yourself won’t help; remember, she’s not recording. Instead of expecting Lauren to rely on her working memory, which creates frustration for both of you, help her develop the habit of writing things down and setting reminders. When you need to ask Lauren something, be sure to request her undivided attention; have Lauren stop what she’s doing and ensure that she’s making eye contact. Then have her take out her planner or phone. Tell Lauren to make a note or list of what needs to get done, then have her use a reminder app to set an alert on her phone. It’s best for Lauren to set multiple alarms, so that she can get a sense of the passage of time. In addition, it’s important that the alerts sound before a task or assignment is due, so that Lauren has ample time to complete it.

Make sure that Lauren’s reminders are accessible to her in the moment she needs to remember. For example, if Lauren needs to remember to turn in an assignment, a phone alarm might be too disruptive for class. Instead, have Lauren place a Post-It note directly on the notebook or folder she’ll use in that class. This will ensure that she sees her reminder right when she needs to.

Say This: “Lauren, I need you to take care of a few things. Grab your phone and start a list in the notes app. Then set a reminder on your phone/watch. Have it sound 10 minutes before you’re supposed to start and 10 minutes before you need to be done. Once you’ve set the reminder, please show me.”

Not That: “How did you forget? I told you 45 times!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My son, Jake, has always struggled socially. He’s 13 and in the last few years, he’s never invited a friend over, and as far as I know, he’s not been invited anywhere, either. How can I help him make friends? — Linda

Dear Linda: By the time kids are Jake’s age — and usually by the time they’re in the third grade — they start to develop more select preferences. Old hobbies fall away as more serious pursuits take their place. This process can lend itself to new connections, built on the strong foundation of shared interests. In many ways, building a social life is really about finding a community. So, before Jake can find like-minded friends, he first needs to find out what he likes.

Make a list of the teams, activities and extra curriculars Jake is involved in. Sit down with him and ask which of these activities is his favorite. If he isn’t sure, pose the question this way: Do you have the most fun when you’re at soccer, piano, or pottery? Once he chooses (or if he doesn’t) ask Jake to write down 3 things he likes and 3 things he dislikes about each hobby or activity. This will give you both a better sense of his interests and the nuances of his personality.

If Jake isn’t involved in any extracurricular activities, help him to outline his interests. Consider what you already know about his tendencies and talents. For example, does Jake seem to prefer activities that offer a lot action, like sports, or does he gravitate toward more reflective activities, like drawing? Find one way that Jake can pursue his greatest interest in a group environment; whether that’s signing up for a sculpting class, joining the chess club at school, or trying out for the volleyball team. The more comfortable Jake is with an environment and activity, the more likely he is to succeed socially.

Next, give Jake manageable, social goals that correspond with his activity of choice. For example, if Jake loves his painting class, have him introduce himself to one person, during the next class. Role-play this conversation with Jake (even and especially if he doesn’t want to). Have Jake introduce himself to you, as if you were his classmate. Even if Jake knows how to introduce himself, role-play is a great way to build social “muscle memory.” Sometimes, it’s about knowing what to say. Other times, it’s about knowing how to say it. Often, it’s both. The more Jake practices his social skills, the more fluid and effective he will be in conversation. Give honest, compassionate feedback if Jake’s approach needs adjustment. For example, if Jake rushes his introduction, say this: “Jake, I loved that you told me your name and talked about yourself in that introduction. You spoke a little fast, and I couldn’t catch all of what you said. Let’s try it again and this time, slow it down.” Remember, if you’re not honest, he won’t grow.

Help Jake identify a peer that may be a good match; someone he can relate to and hang out with. This may be someone Jake has already had a conversation with, someone he’s interested in getting to know, or someone he simply feels comfortable with. After the first social goal has been set, check to confirm that Jake has followed through, by asking who he introduced himself to and what they talked about.

Once Jake has introduced himself to a peer, have him invite them to hang out. Make sure that Jake exchanges phone numbers with this peer. Jake may push back and say that just because he talks to someone in class, doesn’t mean he wants to hang out with them. While that may be true, it’s important for Jake to learn about the range of friendships we all experience in life. Say this: “I understand what you mean, Jake. You’re right that not everyone will be your best friend, or even a close friend. But, you don’t need to be best friends to enjoy yourselves. Different friendships bring different things to your life; sometimes that can be as simple as companionship.”

Finally, and before Jake hangs out with his newfound companion, help him plan a structured activity, like bowling or seeing a football game. Why? Organized activities come with built-in conversation topics. Plus, when there’s something to do, there’s less pressure to fill space and kill time.

Say This: “Jake, with high school coming up, now’s a great time to invest in new friendships. Let’s start by choosing one person from art class/soccer practice/chess club you can invite over this weekend. They don’t have to be someone you know very well. Different friends bring different things to your life; sometimes that can be as simple as companionship.”

Not That: “Why don’t you have any plans this weekend?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Kelsey, is in the 5th grade. I want her to be independent, but if I don’t make sure she does her homework, it won’t get done. How can I manage both? -- Angela

Dear Angela: It may seem counterintuitive, but you have to step up the supervision before you pull it back. Any good habit is built from strong foundations, and those have to be laid first. In order to help Kelsey work independently, you first have to figure out why she’s not getting things done on her own. Whether your daughter is struggling with organization, academics, or self-discipline, she’ll need to build new skills to move forward.

When Kelsey gets her next homework assignment, have her read the requirements aloud with you. Take note of the due date and have Kelsey write it down. Then, ask your daughter to outline: what she’s going to do first, how much she hopes to accomplish by the end of the night and the end of the week. If Kelsey is unsure, create goals with her. For example, if she has to write a book report, the goal for day one might be to write her thesis and three topic sentences. By the end of the week, she’ll finish the whole outline. Each day until then, Kelsey should assign herself one section of that outline. By having Kelsey lay out a plan, you’re teaching her to how to set pace, create momentum and find direction.

If Kelsey usually has a plan, but doesn’t stick to it, create guidelines for her. Communicate clear expectations. For example, “Take 15 minutes to write a rough draft for your introductory paragraph. We’ll review it together when you’re done.” Have Kelsey set a timer to track her pace and set your own, so you can track as well. When the timer sounds, regroup to confirm that Kelsey did the work.

If Kelsey is struggling to retain what she’s learning, help her improve comprehension. For example, if she can’t remember what happens in The Lightning Thief, have her read a paragraph aloud and explain the main ideas. If she can’t do this, scale it back to half a paragraph, or even a sentence. After this, have Kelsey try reading a different paragraph to herself before listing the main ideas. Take note of whether she remembered more after reading silently or aloud. When you find the method that works best for her, stick with it. Have Kelsey practice it every day, for at least a week.

Once you’ve helped your daughter create goals, set timers, or introduce any other study strategy, turn these skills into habits. To increase independence, ask questions that allow Kelsey to lead. For example, if you’re helping Kelsey with planning, ask her, “For this assignment, what should you do first?” Do this continuously, until Kelsey can put each skill into practice, without help.

After your daughter has developed a rhythm, start to pull your presence back. Use a common area of your home and work alongside Kelsey. For example, if you’re making dinner or have work of your own, have Kelsey work beside you in the living room, or sitting at the kitchen counter. Don’t intervene unless you’re asked for help. At this stage, Kelsey should work near you, but not with you. If, after a week, Kelsey is consistently on top of her homework, step out entirely!

Say This: “We’re going to figure out what you need to get things done on your own. I’m going to help you help yourself.”

Not That: “It’s not done? Why didn’t you do it?!”

A word from the authors, for all parents: If, in the end, our suggestions are ineffective, it might be time to take a closer look at the learning challenges your child is facing. You may want seek the help of a tutor, or another educational professional. Each child is unique and our recommendations may not suit all learners. Above all else, when your child asks for help, be sure to listen.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION