Dear Ilana and Jess: My son, Jake, has always struggled socially. He’s 13 and in the last few years, he’s never invited a friend over, and as far as I know, he’s not been invited anywhere, either. How can I help him make friends? — Linda

Dear Linda: By the time kids are Jake’s age — and usually by the time they’re in the third grade — they start to develop more select preferences. Old hobbies fall away as more serious pursuits take their place. This process can lend itself to new connections, built on the strong foundation of shared interests. In many ways, building a social life is really about finding a community. So, before Jake can find like-minded friends, he first needs to find out what he likes.

Make a list of the teams, activities and extra curriculars Jake is involved in. Sit down with him and ask which of these activities is his favorite. If he isn’t sure, pose the question this way: Do you have the most fun when you’re at soccer, piano, or pottery? Once he chooses (or if he doesn’t) ask Jake to write down 3 things he likes and 3 things he dislikes about each hobby or activity. This will give you both a better sense of his interests and the nuances of his personality.

If Jake isn’t involved in any extracurricular activities, help him to outline his interests. Consider what you already know about his tendencies and talents. For example, does Jake seem to prefer activities that offer a lot action, like sports, or does he gravitate toward more reflective activities, like drawing? Find one way that Jake can pursue his greatest interest in a group environment; whether that’s signing up for a sculpting class, joining the chess club at school, or trying out for the volleyball team. The more comfortable Jake is with an environment and activity, the more likely he is to succeed socially.

Next, give Jake manageable, social goals that correspond with his activity of choice. For example, if Jake loves his painting class, have him introduce himself to one person, during the next class. Role-play this conversation with Jake (even and especially if he doesn’t want to). Have Jake introduce himself to you, as if you were his classmate. Even if Jake knows how to introduce himself, role-play is a great way to build social “muscle memory.” Sometimes, it’s about knowing what to say. Other times, it’s about knowing how to say it. Often, it’s both. The more Jake practices his social skills, the more fluid and effective he will be in conversation. Give honest, compassionate feedback if Jake’s approach needs adjustment. For example, if Jake rushes his introduction, say this: “Jake, I loved that you told me your name and talked about yourself in that introduction. You spoke a little fast, and I couldn’t catch all of what you said. Let’s try it again and this time, slow it down.” Remember, if you’re not honest, he won’t grow.

Help Jake identify a peer that may be a good match; someone he can relate to and hang out with. This may be someone Jake has already had a conversation with, someone he’s interested in getting to know, or someone he simply feels comfortable with. After the first social goal has been set, check to confirm that Jake has followed through, by asking who he introduced himself to and what they talked about.

Once Jake has introduced himself to a peer, have him invite them to hang out. Make sure that Jake exchanges phone numbers with this peer. Jake may push back and say that just because he talks to someone in class, doesn’t mean he wants to hang out with them. While that may be true, it’s important for Jake to learn about the range of friendships we all experience in life. Say this: “I understand what you mean, Jake. You’re right that not everyone will be your best friend, or even a close friend. But, you don’t need to be best friends to enjoy yourselves. Different friendships bring different things to your life; sometimes that can be as simple as companionship.”

Finally, and before Jake hangs out with his newfound companion, help him plan a structured activity, like bowling or seeing a football game. Why? Organized activities come with built-in conversation topics. Plus, when there’s something to do, there’s less pressure to fill space and kill time.

Say This: “Jake, with high school coming up, now’s a great time to invest in new friendships. Let’s start by choosing one person from art class/soccer practice/chess club you can invite over this weekend. They don’t have to be someone you know very well. Different friends bring different things to your life; sometimes that can be as simple as companionship.”

Not That: “Why don’t you have any plans this weekend?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Kelsey, is in the 5th grade. I want her to be independent, but if I don’t make sure she does her homework, it won’t get done. How can I manage both? -- Angela

Dear Angela: It may seem counterintuitive, but you have to step up the supervision before you pull it back. Any good habit is built from strong foundations, and those have to be laid first. In order to help Kelsey work independently, you first have to figure out why she’s not getting things done on her own. Whether your daughter is struggling with organization, academics, or self-discipline, she’ll need to build new skills to move forward.

When Kelsey gets her next homework assignment, have her read the requirements aloud with you. Take note of the due date and have Kelsey write it down. Then, ask your daughter to outline: what she’s going to do first, how much she hopes to accomplish by the end of the night and the end of the week. If Kelsey is unsure, create goals with her. For example, if she has to write a book report, the goal for day one might be to write her thesis and three topic sentences. By the end of the week, she’ll finish the whole outline. Each day until then, Kelsey should assign herself one section of that outline. By having Kelsey lay out a plan, you’re teaching her to how to set pace, create momentum and find direction.

If Kelsey usually has a plan, but doesn’t stick to it, create guidelines for her. Communicate clear expectations. For example, “Take 15 minutes to write a rough draft for your introductory paragraph. We’ll review it together when you’re done.” Have Kelsey set a timer to track her pace and set your own, so you can track as well. When the timer sounds, regroup to confirm that Kelsey did the work.

If Kelsey is struggling to retain what she’s learning, help her improve comprehension. For example, if she can’t remember what happens in The Lightning Thief, have her read a paragraph aloud and explain the main ideas. If she can’t do this, scale it back to half a paragraph, or even a sentence. After this, have Kelsey try reading a different paragraph to herself before listing the main ideas. Take note of whether she remembered more after reading silently or aloud. When you find the method that works best for her, stick with it. Have Kelsey practice it every day, for at least a week.

Once you’ve helped your daughter create goals, set timers, or introduce any other study strategy, turn these skills into habits. To increase independence, ask questions that allow Kelsey to lead. For example, if you’re helping Kelsey with planning, ask her, “For this assignment, what should you do first?” Do this continuously, until Kelsey can put each skill into practice, without help.

After your daughter has developed a rhythm, start to pull your presence back. Use a common area of your home and work alongside Kelsey. For example, if you’re making dinner or have work of your own, have Kelsey work beside you in the living room, or sitting at the kitchen counter. Don’t intervene unless you’re asked for help. At this stage, Kelsey should work near you, but not with you. If, after a week, Kelsey is consistently on top of her homework, step out entirely!

Say This: “We’re going to figure out what you need to get things done on your own. I’m going to help you help yourself.”

Not That: “It’s not done? Why didn’t you do it?!”

A word from the authors, for all parents: If, in the end, our suggestions are ineffective, it might be time to take a closer look at the learning challenges your child is facing. You may want seek the help of a tutor, or another educational professional. Each child is unique and our recommendations may not suit all learners. Above all else, when your child asks for help, be sure to listen.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughters are both in middle school; one in 6th grade and one in 8th grade. They each get so much homework. The assignments pile up and we can never get ahead of it. How can I avoid the school year chaos and homework overload? -- Michelle

Dear Michelle: You’re right on track with our theme for August and September: preparation. As you probably know, most kids begin the school year with a renewed sense of gusto; and that’s a good thing. But this always comes with a little bit of magical thinking: that last year’s challenges will be gone this year. For the most part, that’s not true. More often, it’s the opposite: the workload gets heavier and the work gets harder. Fortunately, these challenges can be conquered.

Even if your children don’t have educational difficulties, it’s important to be proactive in helping them manage their responsibilities. Remember that you’re laying the foundations now for how they will organize their extracurriculars, work schedules, and even their own family life, years down the road.

In every capacity, stay a step ahead. Avoid the 10 p.m. dollar store scramble for poster board by making that trip now. Last week, we suggested having your kids email their teachers to introduce themselves. Once they’ve done that, have your kids reach out to ask about the materials they’ll need and get the first few assignments in advance. Often, teachers will use standardized curriculum and have a well-developed set of lesson plans. As your children are preparing for the school year, their teachers are preparing, too. That commonly includes outlining the first set of assignments, which they may be able to provide before the school year begins.

Once you have those assignments, create a plan of attack. Don’t just note what the assignment is, think about the amount of time it will realistically take to complete. For example, if you know that your daughter needs to read a 116-page biography for the first week of October, divide those pages up and have her read a few each night. Not only is this a practical approach, it’ll teach your daughter how to take something that seems unmanageable, break it down, and tackle it piece by piece.

Time management is all about budget and balance. Just as we balance grocery shopping, meal preparation, laundry, etc., we want our children to learn how to manage multiple responsibilities.

So, when you’re helping your kids to build a schedule, make sure they’re incorporating all aspects of their lives -- from personal to academic and social. If you don’t note that soccer practice takes place on Tuesdays from 4-7, then you also won’t consider that time constraint. Create a color coded visual schedule or calendar that outlines family events, homework assignments, and other activities. Using a planner with time markers is a great way to help your daughters visualize their days and physically see where there’s room (and where there’s none).

The bottom line?

Say This: Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to get a planner and write out your upcoming events and extracurriculars. Then, we’re going to email your teachers for the first assignments, so you can get a jump start. At the beginning of the week, we’ll pencil your assignments in your planner; we’ll break up the longer ones into smaller chunks. After a few weeks, you can create the schedule on your own. I’ll be here to help, if you need it.

Not That: You’ll get it done, just keep working on it.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter)” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter) visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION