Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Kelsey, is in the 5th grade. I want her to be independent, but if I don’t make sure she does her homework, it won’t get done. How can I manage both? -- Angela

Dear Angela: It may seem counterintuitive, but you have to step up the supervision before you pull it back. Any good habit is built from strong foundations, and those have to be laid first. In order to help Kelsey work independently, you first have to figure out why she’s not getting things done on her own. Whether your daughter is struggling with organization, academics, or self-discipline, she’ll need to build new skills to move forward.

When Kelsey gets her next homework assignment, have her read the requirements aloud with you. Take note of the due date and have Kelsey write it down. Then, ask your daughter to outline: what she’s going to do first, how much she hopes to accomplish by the end of the night and the end of the week. If Kelsey is unsure, create goals with her. For example, if she has to write a book report, the goal for day one might be to write her thesis and three topic sentences. By the end of the week, she’ll finish the whole outline. Each day until then, Kelsey should assign herself one section of that outline. By having Kelsey lay out a plan, you’re teaching her to how to set pace, create momentum and find direction.

If Kelsey usually has a plan, but doesn’t stick to it, create guidelines for her. Communicate clear expectations. For example, “Take 15 minutes to write a rough draft for your introductory paragraph. We’ll review it together when you’re done.” Have Kelsey set a timer to track her pace and set your own, so you can track as well. When the timer sounds, regroup to confirm that Kelsey did the work.

If Kelsey is struggling to retain what she’s learning, help her improve comprehension. For example, if she can’t remember what happens in The Lightning Thief, have her read a paragraph aloud and explain the main ideas. If she can’t do this, scale it back to half a paragraph, or even a sentence. After this, have Kelsey try reading a different paragraph to herself before listing the main ideas. Take note of whether she remembered more after reading silently or aloud. When you find the method that works best for her, stick with it. Have Kelsey practice it every day, for at least a week.

Once you’ve helped your daughter create goals, set timers, or introduce any other study strategy, turn these skills into habits. To increase independence, ask questions that allow Kelsey to lead. For example, if you’re helping Kelsey with planning, ask her, “For this assignment, what should you do first?” Do this continuously, until Kelsey can put each skill into practice, without help.

After your daughter has developed a rhythm, start to pull your presence back. Use a common area of your home and work alongside Kelsey. For example, if you’re making dinner or have work of your own, have Kelsey work beside you in the living room, or sitting at the kitchen counter. Don’t intervene unless you’re asked for help. At this stage, Kelsey should work near you, but not with you. If, after a week, Kelsey is consistently on top of her homework, step out entirely!

Say This: “We’re going to figure out what you need to get things done on your own. I’m going to help you help yourself.”

Not That: “It’s not done? Why didn’t you do it?!”

A word from the authors, for all parents: If, in the end, our suggestions are ineffective, it might be time to take a closer look at the learning challenges your child is facing. You may want seek the help of a tutor, or another educational professional. Each child is unique and our recommendations may not suit all learners. Above all else, when your child asks for help, be sure to listen.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughters are both in middle school; one in 6th grade and one in 8th grade. They each get so much homework. The assignments pile up and we can never get ahead of it. How can I avoid the school year chaos and homework overload? -- Michelle

Dear Michelle: You’re right on track with our theme for August and September: preparation. As you probably know, most kids begin the school year with a renewed sense of gusto; and that’s a good thing. But this always comes with a little bit of magical thinking: that last year’s challenges will be gone this year. For the most part, that’s not true. More often, it’s the opposite: the workload gets heavier and the work gets harder. Fortunately, these challenges can be conquered.

Even if your children don’t have educational difficulties, it’s important to be proactive in helping them manage their responsibilities. Remember that you’re laying the foundations now for how they will organize their extracurriculars, work schedules, and even their own family life, years down the road.

In every capacity, stay a step ahead. Avoid the 10 p.m. dollar store scramble for poster board by making that trip now. Last week, we suggested having your kids email their teachers to introduce themselves. Once they’ve done that, have your kids reach out to ask about the materials they’ll need and get the first few assignments in advance. Often, teachers will use standardized curriculum and have a well-developed set of lesson plans. As your children are preparing for the school year, their teachers are preparing, too. That commonly includes outlining the first set of assignments, which they may be able to provide before the school year begins.

Once you have those assignments, create a plan of attack. Don’t just note what the assignment is, think about the amount of time it will realistically take to complete. For example, if you know that your daughter needs to read a 116-page biography for the first week of October, divide those pages up and have her read a few each night. Not only is this a practical approach, it’ll teach your daughter how to take something that seems unmanageable, break it down, and tackle it piece by piece.

Time management is all about budget and balance. Just as we balance grocery shopping, meal preparation, laundry, etc., we want our children to learn how to manage multiple responsibilities.

So, when you’re helping your kids to build a schedule, make sure they’re incorporating all aspects of their lives -- from personal to academic and social. If you don’t note that soccer practice takes place on Tuesdays from 4-7, then you also won’t consider that time constraint. Create a color coded visual schedule or calendar that outlines family events, homework assignments, and other activities. Using a planner with time markers is a great way to help your daughters visualize their days and physically see where there’s room (and where there’s none).

The bottom line?

Say This: Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to get a planner and write out your upcoming events and extracurriculars. Then, we’re going to email your teachers for the first assignments, so you can get a jump start. At the beginning of the week, we’ll pencil your assignments in your planner; we’ll break up the longer ones into smaller chunks. After a few weeks, you can create the schedule on your own. I’ll be here to help, if you need it.

Not That: You’ll get it done, just keep working on it.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter)” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter) visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have a son who’s going into middle school and he’s always struggled with change. No matter how much I assure him, it doesn’t work. No matter how much I praise him, it doesn’t work. How can I make him feel confident for the start of the school year? -- Patty

Dear Patty: Starting out at a new school is not easy; I’m sure you remember what it was like. In every way, you’re back to square one: new kids, new teachers, new principal, new classrooms and new responsibilities. Preparation is the antidote to anxiety, so start by making things familiar. Tell your son, “we’re going to go to your new school, learn the layout and walk through your day, before the school year begins.” Before this self-guided tour, get a copy of your son’s schedule and room assignments so that he can walk from class to class and memorize his path. If he doesn’t want to go, don’t change the plan: Avoidance won’t help him.

After your school visit, say this: “Let’s email your teachers together.” -- This is how you’ll teach the art of advocating for yourself. It’s also a great opportunity to teach your son how to write a good email, a skill that is so important, yet rarely taught. In his emails, have your son request his academic curricula in advance, so that he can review it over the summer. Make sure you’re copied on these emails, so that you can help him with follow-up. Once you have the curricula, help your son to create a visual schedule for upcoming assignments, so that he knows exactly what to expect. When it comes to anxiety, the less mystery, the better.

To kickstart his social life, find out what clubs and extracurriculars are available and have your son pick one he’s genuinely interested in. Do not over-register him. This will leave him overwhelmed and out of sorts. If there isn’t a club that looks particularly interesting to your son, create your own and host it in your home. When my son was in middle school (Ilana speaking), they didn’t have a club devoted to either of his biggest interests: science and entrepreneurship. So, we combined the two and made our own. I hosted (inexpensive) monthly meetings; I bought cookies, juice and occasionally I ordered a pizza. When my daughter had the same problem as my son, I helped her create an all-girls book club. Within weeks, both had found their friend group. Once your son has made a few acquaintances, encourage him to do homework with his peers. Working together and problem-solving with friends will show your son that he’s not alone.

The bottom line: You don’t build confidence through empty praise. You build confidence by teaching your child to be competent.

To recap:

Say This: “We’re going to go to your school, learn the layout and walk through your day, before the school year begins. Then, we’re going to email your teachers together.”

Not That: “You’ll be fine!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter)” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter) visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION