Dear Ilana and Jess: I have a son who’s going into middle school and he’s always struggled with change. No matter how much I assure him, it doesn’t work. No matter how much I praise him, it doesn’t work. How can I make him feel confident for the start of the school year? -- Patty
Dear Patty: Starting out at a new school is not easy; I’m sure you remember what it was like. In every way, you’re back to square one: new kids, new teachers, new principal, new classrooms and new responsibilities. Preparation is the antidote to anxiety, so start by making things familiar. Tell your son, “we’re going to go to your new school, learn the layout and walk through your day, before the school year begins.” Before this self-guided tour, get a copy of your son’s schedule and room assignments so that he can walk from class to class and memorize his path. If he doesn’t want to go, don’t change the plan: Avoidance won’t help him.
After your school visit, say this: “Let’s email your teachers together.” -- This is how you’ll teach the art of advocating for yourself. It’s also a great opportunity to teach your son how to write a good email, a skill that is so important, yet rarely taught. In his emails, have your son request his academic curricula in advance, so that he can review it over the summer. Make sure you’re copied on these emails, so that you can help him with follow-up. Once you have the curricula, help your son to create a visual schedule for upcoming assignments, so that he knows exactly what to expect. When it comes to anxiety, the less mystery, the better.
To kickstart his social life, find out what clubs and extracurriculars are available and have your son pick one he’s genuinely interested in. Do not over-register him. This will leave him overwhelmed and out of sorts. If there isn’t a club that looks particularly interesting to your son, create your own and host it in your home. When my son was in middle school (Ilana speaking), they didn’t have a club devoted to either of his biggest interests: science and entrepreneurship. So, we combined the two and made our own. I hosted (inexpensive) monthly meetings; I bought cookies, juice and occasionally I ordered a pizza. When my daughter had the same problem as my son, I helped her create an all-girls book club. Within weeks, both had found their friend group. Once your son has made a few acquaintances, encourage him to do homework with his peers. Working together and problem-solving with friends will show your son that he’s not alone.
The bottom line: You don’t build confidence through empty praise. You build confidence by teaching your child to be competent.
To recap:
Say This: “We’re going to go to your school, learn the layout and walk through your day, before the school year begins. Then, we’re going to email your teachers together.”
Not That: “You’ll be fine!”
Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, “Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter)” Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That (To Your Teenage Daughter) visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.
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