parenting

Pretty Little Liars: When Tots Twist the Truth

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | January 8th, 2018

Preschoolers tell magnificent lies.

Not the boring, trying-to-be-polite lies that many adults tell to spare someone’s feelings. And not the evil lies of someone trying to defraud a grandma of her life savings.

No, 2- to 4-year-olds are still figuring out fantasy from reality, confusing wishful thinking with how things really are. They often lie to avoid time-outs, to make grown-ups happy or to feel good about themselves.

Perhaps the minds of a toddler and preschooler could offer insights into why some adults tell such whoppers. What prompts a grown adult to tell bald-faced lies, especially when the lies can be exposed so easily? When adults are perplexed by the inexplicable behavior of other adults, it can be helpful to consult the experts.

In the case of fantastical lying, the experts are tots.

A recent walk to the park with my 3- and 4-year-old nephews offered a master class in hyperbole and falsehoods. Being a responsible aunt, I ordered them to hold my hands while crossing the street because of the dangers posed by passing vehicles.

“I’m faster than a car and a truck,” the 4-year-old said in response. (Fact check: He is not.)

Perhaps he wishes he were faster than a speeding truck. Maybe he believes he could be faster if he really tried. Or maybe this bit of self-aggrandizing was offered simply to impress me.

We stopped on a bridge over a creek filled with turtles. I asked if the boys could see the dozens of turtles swimming beneath us.

“They are talking to each other,” I was informed. “To make a plan to get the humans if they fall in the water.” (Fact check: There’s no proof the turtles were plotting against the humans.)

It was impossible to dissuade my nephew from the turtle conspiracy theory he had concocted. It sounded like it could be true to him, and he didn’t have a reason -- other than science -- to disbelieve his preconceived notion.

Once we got to the playground, the 4-year-old climbed up a towering play structure. He hung from a rope ladder, peering down at the ground below him.

“I’m going to jump!” he said confidently. He looked down again and reconsidered. “No, I was just kidding.” (Fact check: He got scared.)

Even for a preschooler, the desire to save face is strong. When we started walking back home, he shared details of a recent exploit.

“I got 70 tickets from Chuck E. Cheese. And I got candy.”

This sounded suspiciously like fake news, although he said it very authoritatively. The last time we went to Chuck E. Cheese together, he had less than a dozen prize tickets. This boast could have been a case of exaggerating his wins, or simply misremembering seven as 70.

But his next revelation took things too far.

“I don’t have a shaker because my brother never lets me use it,” he confided, referring to a rattling toy.

His 3-year-old brother overheard and rolled his eyes.

“I let him use it, and he said no,” the younger one retorted.

The accusations flew.

“That is not true!”

“I’m not talking anymore!”

“He’s lying!”

“I have my ears shut!”

“You lie!”

It was difficult for an outsider to discern what was deflection or projection in this brother-versus-brother confrontation. A 3-year-old will vigorously defend reality as he perceives it, and a 4-year-old is no more likely to back down.

But since they raised the issue of lies, I wondered how well they grasped the concept of dishonesty at their ages. Kids figure out early that they can attempt to lie to get out of trouble or to get away with something. Could they figure out a peer’s motives?

I asked the toddler why he thought his brother may have lied about him.

“Trying to make me look like a bad guy,” he said. Bad guys lie, he added.

His older brother maintained his commitment to the truth.

“It’s wrong to lie,” he said. “Because it’s just bad.”

Wisdom out of the mouth of babes.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
parenting

A Field Trip Plagued With Miracles

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | January 1st, 2018

The school bus packed with seventh graders broke down in the parking lot of the ornate, white stone Hindu temple.

It was already the second predicament of the field trip. And the day had just begun.

I had volunteered to be one of the parent chaperones on this daylong adventure. We would begin at the temple, head to a church, stop at a synagogue and end at a mosque before returning to school. This whirlwind tour of world religions started to fall apart three days before we even boarded the buses.

Teachers had locked down the itinerary two months before the trip. It originally included the Cathedral Basilica, an iconic religious landmark in St. Louis. But the very day the school had to turn in the final schedule to the bus service, the Basilica informed them that a funeral service was booked for the same time they planned to bring 125 students.

Oh, the best-laid plans.

World history teacher Neil Daniels had less than half an hour after school to frantically call nearby churches to find a replacement. The Baptists came through. Daniels juggled some of the time slots to accommodate the last-minute change. He also left a message for the speaker at the Hindu temple, to let him know that we would arrive earlier than expected.

The speaker never received the message.

When we showed up at the temple, we wandered into an empty meeting space. One of the seventh-graders whose family worshipped at the temple stepped up and shared tenets of his faith and their religious practice with the ease of someone years older. Another Hindu middle-schooler sang one of the devotional songs she knew. Their classmates respectfully asked questions about a religious tradition completely unfamiliar to nearly all of them. Afterwards, we walked through the sanctuary filled with murtis adorned with garlands and jewels.

By the time we boarded the bus, it seemed the mix-up had actually brought the group closer together. So when our bus broke down, we piled into the other one, sat three to a seat and continued on our way.

It was a small miracle that we arrived at our next destination just a few minutes behind schedule. The youth pastor at the Third Baptist Church welcomed us into their historic building and talked about the basic beliefs of Christianity. At our next stop, the rabbi at Central Reform Congregation shared the history of the only Jewish congregation located within the city limits. We happened to be visiting on the first day of Hanukkah.

Since we were running late, the students ate lunch at the synagogue an hour later than they normally do. And yet, no one complained.

If you’ve been around hungry 12- and 13-year-olds, you know this may have been an act of divine intervention.

Our final stop was no less dramatic. We arrived at the mosque earlier than the time given to our speaker. She was at the gym when she received the message that we had arrived, so she threw a jacket over her yoga pants and rushed over to meet us. We listened to her explain the steps of how Muslims pray and talked about the commonalities shared among the religious communities we had visited.

Daniels said the purpose of the field trip was to expose students to major religions in their communities, teach them how to talk about a subject not often discussed in school, work on critical thinking skills and discover that they can disagree politely with those who have different beliefs. Some of his students said they didn’t know anyone who was a Buddhist or Muslim, but some of their peers actually belonged to those religious groups. It was also a chance to find common ground.

It seems the point of major religions is to remind us that there is something larger than us in the universe. We control and plan for what we can -- and then funerals come up, buses break down and schedules get delayed. And these challenges can make a journey even richer.

Field trips work in mysterious ways.

Family & ParentingWork & School
parenting

When Family Histories Collide

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | December 25th, 2017

Joyce Ann Huston had been scrolling through microfilm for hours when she saw a familiar name and screamed.

She had found Ellen Fisher, the maternal root of her family tree, in the Latter-day Saints Family History Center in Las Vegas on a census record from 1880. She had been searching for Fisher for years. Until that moment in 2000, Fisher had only existed in the stories passed down at family reunions since the 1930s.

Huston, now 55 and living in Ferguson, Missouri, had discovered the link that connected her black O’Kelley family to their white plantation-owning ancestors.

She had found the O’Kelleys’ slave.

“Ellen Fisher was a slave on the O’Kelley plantation in Mississippi, and she refused to succumb to the advances of her master, so he blinded her in one eye and threatened to toss her into a burning bush,” Huston said. Fisher did, however, have children with two of the O’Kelley brothers -- her master’s sons.

Huston had heard this oral history for decades at family reunions. The story helped explain her grandmother’s silky hair and light skin. But the family had no proof.

Huston eventually learned the slave-owner’s name, and then found a book about the oldest proven progenitor: David Kelly, born in 1763. (The Kelly surname changed over the generations.) Huston reached out to the author of the book, one of Kelly’s white descendants.

“I’m trying to get more information to find out where my slave ancestor came from,” she wrote.

Huston received a chilly reception.

Then, she connected with Argie Shumway, an 81-year-old, white, Mormon genealogy enthusiast in Provo, Utah. Shumway had posted her detailed family history on a genealogy site, which showed their common ancestor. Shumway had been working on the O’Kelley ancestral line for years, just as Huston had been. She gave Shumway a call.

“Oh, I have black cousins?” Shumway said to Huston, without a moment’s hesitation. “That’s fascinating. How can I help you?”

This connection started an unlikely 17-year relationship between the women. In 2002, Huston went to meet Shumway in Utah, making copies of records and books while there. The two share the same great-great-great-grandfather and a love of family history.

“It’s easier not to believe something than to believe it,” Shumway says about the white author who seemed reluctant to accept Huston’s claims of an ancestral connection. That’s especially true when information challenges the world as you’ve always seen it.

A turning point in the genealogy search came in 2012.

Huston already had the death certificates of Fisher’s three mixed-race sons, which listed the names of their respective white O’Kelley fathers. But they got solid confirmation of the link when a black male relative’s DNA turned out to be an exact match to the O’Kelley paternal line.

“We had found a relationship in our family trees, and our DNA proved it,” Shumway said. “What an exciting day it was.”

There’s still a lingering gap in this branch of Huston’s family tree: She hasn’t been able to find an authenticated record of how Fisher ended up with the O’Kelleys. They know she was a house servant, laundress and nanny in Wilkinson County, Mississippi, whose grandchildren eventually went to college. But Huston hasn’t been able to find a ledger or bill of sale to determine who sold Fisher and where she came from.

“That’s our genealogy brick wall,” she said. “It’s devastating.”

She and her cousin, Nikki Williams Sebastian, have self-published a book about their family’s lineage.

“We have ancestors who came to America to find freedom and ancestors whose freedom was ripped away from them,” Williams Sebastian wrote in the preface.

Their book is about one family, but also about who we include in that bond. It’s a story that helps explain why some black Americans have Irish surnames. It’s a story of journeys, common roots and how our past informs our present.

The fact that some of the white O’Kelleys embraced them and others rejected them is the story of today’s America, too, as is the fact that they still don’t know what happened to their slave ancestor. Oppression, freedom, loss, rediscovery, rejection, reconnection -- these are still the stories of race in America.

But for the black O’Kelleys and white O’Kelleys who took a connection in biology and history and forged a relationship out of it, their story is ultimately about family.

When Shumway’s son and his family visited St. Louis this summer, Huston threw a party. The Mormons from Utah got to meet their black relatives.

“I didn’t know what to expect,” said Bradley Reneer, Shumway’s son. He didn’t know if there would be resentment or bitterness, given the brutal roots of their connection. Instead, he said, “I felt like family.”

Family & Parenting

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