parenting

White Americans and Extremism

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | June 29th, 2015

The worst terrorist attack on American soil made many American Muslims ask what could be done to root out virulent ideology and potentially dangerous people within our own communities.

It spawned a generation of greater political and social engagement by American Muslims, along with influencing the priorities in mosques.

It's time for white Americans to take the same approach to racism and extremism in their own communities.

"Since Sept. 11, 2001, nearly twice as many people have been killed by white supremacists, antigovernment fanatics and other non-Muslim extremists than by radical Muslims," according to the latest count by New America, a Washington research center. Their tally found 48 have been killed by extremists who are not Muslim, compared with 26 by self-proclaimed jihadists.

Non-Muslim extremists have carried out 19 such attacks since 9/11, compared to seven lethal attacks by Islamic militants in the same period, the report found.

Authorities say Dylann Storm Roof killed nine African-Americans in a Charleston, South Carolina church last week after joining them in a Bible study. He is a 21-year-old white supremacist, a stark counter to the image of the "post-racial" millennials.

That image itself is misleading. White millennials, those born after 1980, are about as racist as their parents, according to a Washington Post analysis of five measures of racial prejudice from the General Social Survey.

About a third of millennials rated blacks as lazier and less hardworking than whites -- percentages similar to Gen X and baby boomers. Nearly a quarter rated blacks as less intelligent than whites, a bit higher than Gen X and in line with boomers. More than a third said blacks were less well-off because of less motivation -- again in the same ballpark as Gen X and boomers. Millennials were, however, less opposed to interracial marriage than previous generations.

Roof wrote in an apparent manifesto that he didn't grow up in a racist home.

So, where did his attachment to this racist ideology come from? He claims he was changed by revelations he discovered by the Council of Conservative Citizens online.

This sounds eerily familiar to the disaffected Muslim youths who reportedly became radicalized through information and groups they encountered online. The easy access to such communities gives safe haven to extremist thought. Of course, it's an oversimplification to say that Internet encounters lead to radicalization. But it's part of the toxic stew.

This generation distinguishes between their interpersonal relationships -- even Roof reportedly had black friends -- and their own racial prejudices.

When self-described Islamic terrorists attacked our country, the rest of the country said: Muslim moderates need to speak up! Many Muslim Americans embraced this idea. More authors, bloggers, journalists and activists realized they needed to tell their own stories, be louder advocates for justice and peace, and be more vigilant about what kind of information their children were receiving about religious beliefs.

The majority of white parents are raising children with values of equality and tolerance; they need to adopt this same approach, and speak up about these values.

American Muslims took a more proactive role in condemning violence, encouraging pluralism, fostering friendships with people of different faiths and working with authorities.

The two-thirds of white Americans who are willing to accept that racism is still a destructive force in our country, with blacks afforded fewer economic opportunities, more segregated housing choices, poorer schools and a harsher criminal justice system, need to speak up to the one-third whose views foster racist institutions and practices.

It takes courage to call racism what it is, especially when one in three white Americans may disagree. Roof's roommate reportedly heard him spout his racist views, his desire to start a civil war, his plans to commit some kind of attack.

While relatively few individuals follow the deranged homicidal path of extremists, the work of fighting racist or extremist thoughts within our communities is an ongoing struggle.

It's about more than preventing one's child from adopting racist views. It's about teaching them to have the courage to stand up to such views when they encounter them.

Health & Safety
parenting

How Desirable Is the 'Dad Bod,' Really?

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | June 22nd, 2015

When a 19-year-old college student declared that girls are crazy about the "dad bod," it ignited an Internet fury, pitting fat against fit.

In Mackenzie Pearson's viral post about why the "balance between beer gut and working out" is more desirable, she writes, "We know what we are getting into when he's got the same exact body type at the age of 22 that he's going to have at 45."

Oh, dear.

Pearson hasn't learned about metabolism yet. Or about what the aging process does to a 22-year-old's ability to indulge in $4 pitchers and binge on pizza. Hint: It doesn't work the same at 45.

Yet, finally, the Midwest is ahead on a body trend. The land of beer and brats embraced the soft-around-the-center "dad bod" long before the rest of America discovered it.

Forensic psychiatrist Omar Quadri of St. Louis, 51, worked hard to achieve his dad bod. He lost about 35 pounds over two years.

"It seemed initially counterintuitive that someone would be attracted to a plumper male form, but the psychological underpinnings make sense to me," he said. The body type signals a stable provider, he said. "Most women can provide for themselves, but they don't want to be supporting a loser, either."

He said women are more likely to value kindness and financial stability than ripped abs in a long-term relationship.

Of course, you never know what's underneath the packaging.

Jeremy Nulik, 36, is a father of two children, has a self-declared dad bod and runs ultramarathons.

"I think I've had a dad bod since I was 13," he said. "I'm a running dork who likes to eat nachos."

From outward appearances, Nulik, who wears a size large T-shirt, looks like an average American male. He said the dad bod is probably more approachable for some women.

"But is it more desirable? I don't know. Probably not."

It may signal to women that a guy has pursuits other than spending all day in a gym, he said. Really, though, he could care less about how his physique measures up when he's able to run 70 miles in a week.

This healthy male body image likely comes from much more relaxed societal expectations for male appearances versus female. When was the last time someone extolled the virtues of a squishy mom bod?

"This is why this 'dad bod' is laughable to me," Nulik said. "(Men) didn't need to be let off the hook. Was there ever a hook for us?"

Mike Little, trainer and owner of Dynamic Personal Fitness in suburban St. Louis, says there's more to staying in shape than looking good in jeans and a T-shirt, and that abdominal fat is particularly unhealthy. It's about being healthy and active and how you feel about yourself, he said.

Plus, he's heard his wife remark that Chris Hemsworth looks pretty hot. He's never heard her comment on Ray Romano's body.

His wife, Heather, said she finds an athletic body more desirable (as you'd expect from someone married to a trainer). And points out that there is a lot more pressure on moms to look cute than dads.

"Out-of-shape women are not described as sexy," she said. And men aren't the ones who get pregnant and give birth; they skip the physical transformation parenthood instantly confers upon women.

Aesthetic preferences are idiosyncratic and complicated. One 20-year-old told me she would rather be with a slightly out-of-shape larger guy than a skinny one. Another said going for dad bods is about settling for someone less likely to cheat on you. Several of the points the college blogger made in support of the dad bod reinforced young women's own sense of self: They want to be the pretty ones in the couple, and a less-fit man is less intimidating.

These preferences may also change with time, as emerging self-confidence matures into adulthood.

Christy Senay, a 25-year-old personal trainer in St. Louis, says she has dated both a dad bod-type and a bodybuilder. She says neither is exactly her type.

"But if I had to pick, I'd choose the bodybuilder," she said.

Health & SafetyLove & Dating
parenting

Your Newborn's Glamour Shots Can Cost Thousands

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | June 15th, 2015

Caption for ptb150615.jpg: Professional portraits of newborns, like this one by Stephanie Cotta, are increasingly popular -- and can be costly.

Add another item to the pregnancy checklist: Book the glamour shots for your newborn.

It only makes sense for a generation used to displaying their curated and polished life milestones.

You've seen this pictorial story on Facebook: First comes the newly engaged couple sitting in a tree. Then comes the art-directed wedding. Then comes the baby posed in a baby sling.

There may also be professional pregnancy photos and a gender reveal along the way. But the Anne Geddes poster-worthy baby -- that's the money shot.

St. Louis-based newborn photographer Stephanie Cotta says she was one of the first to bring the idea of "newborn art" to the city back in 2010, soon after the birth of her first child. She has perfected a series of 17 poses she only uses on babies between four and 14 days old.

"I've worked it down to a science," Cotta said. The photo may involve a bucket, a blanket or beanbag, but it's the wrinkly days-old baby who makes the shot.

Three-month-olds are too late.

"When they are that old, they're not as sleepy and not as curly," she said.

Too bad, so sad, punkin.

Moms-to-be start contacting Cotta in their second trimester, because she books six to eight months out. Even if it's too late to get into her schedule, new moms and other aspiring photographers can take her "Newborn Mentoring Workshop," in which she shares the art of newborn posing. The goal is to "capture exactly how little they are in the first few weeks." About 40 percent of the clients taking her workshops are new moms with new cameras.

The camera is the new mirror. But unlike a reflection intended for personal use, this mirror is reflected to the world. It says something semipermanent about you, and a baby has become an extension of that personal brand.

Her clients typically spend between $800 and $2,500 for newborn photos.

Cotta wants to create a piece of work that will evoke, decades later, the same emotions as when the baby was born. Now, there may be a tiny bit of whitewashing required. Cotta says she edits and Photoshops all the images, and in some cases, that may involve smoothing baby skin or "addressing color issues." Sometimes newborns get little scratches or baby acne on their faces, but that's easily erased, too.

"Everything else, I leave it as they are," Cotta said.

Not everyone opts for such a stylized representation of those earliest days.

Beth Kerley, mom to a 13-month-old daughter, booked her newborn shoot near the end of her second trimester. But she didn't want the typical baby-in-a-basket shots. She hired a documentary-style baby photographer, who followed them around their house for a few hours, documenting the new parents taking care of their 3-week-old baby.

She caught images of Kerley's husband making a bottle in the kitchen and holding the baby while watching a hockey game on TV.

"We wanted something that captured how we were feeling and what we were doing at that point of our lives," Kerley said. She had no desire to sit in a studio under lights three weeks after a C-section.

While she opted for a more affordable session ($450), she understands the impulse to overspend.

"Anything associated with babies and weddings, there's a higher price tag because it's a very emotional moment. You're willing to pay more," Kerley said.

She also chose a more low-key, natural look for baby's first professional shoot, but she doesn't judge those who choose a more cultivated option.

She waited until her baby was three weeks old -- pushing the edge of that newborn photo shoot window -- because she wanted to wait until the umbilical cord stump had fallen out.

Their newborn's bellybutton looked picture-perfect.

But Kerley wouldn't be surprised if the photographer touched it up a bit.

Money

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