parenting

Shooting Sprees in Our Safest Cities

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | June 1st, 2015

Within a few steps at an all-American strip mall just outside St. Louis, you can play Skee-Ball at Chuck E. Cheese's or buy a semi-automatic shotgun at Ruby's Guns.

At this busy intersection in the heart of middle-class suburbia, safety and fear live in the same neighborhood.

For three years in a row, Ballwin, Missouri was lauded as the safest city in the state by real estate website Neighborhood Scout. In 2014, the site ranked it in the top 10 safest cities in the country.

And yet it was here, a few weeks ago, that Michael V. Pona II, 34, allegedly started shooting at vehicles in the middle of the day. One of the bullets hit a Chevy SUV, lodging near a child in a car seat, police said. Another bullet shattered the passenger-side window of a Mustang. No one was hit.

Police are still investigating why the alleged gunman went on this shooting spree.

There's a disturbing familiarity to all of this.

FBI figures released last September show that "active shooter" attacks, in which a shooter opens fire on a crowd of people, have dramatically increased since 2000. The number of incidents more than doubled over the past seven years compared with the previous seven, the FBI study found.

The report found 160 active shooter instances from 2000 until 2013. In the first seven-year span, there were an average of 6.4 incidences annually. Between 2007 and 2013, the annual average jumped to 16.4 incidences.

The majority of active shooters are not considered mass killers, however, because a majority of these shooters kill fewer than three people.

We've gotten to a point where open fire can seem oddly ordinary despite otherwise extraordinarily safe surroundings. Perhaps even more peculiar than the frequency of such instances is our reaction to them.

"One of the problems is that a person can be perfectly mentally stable and pass a background check on Monday, and all hell can break loose Tuesday through Friday," said Steve Walsh, owner of Ruby's Guns. "And there's no way to know it."

But, in fact, there are ways to know it, or least to have a better idea of it. There's research that indicates what makes one gun user more dangerous to society than the next. Unsurprisingly, prior history is significant. And there are ways to keep guns away from dangerously angry people without infringing on the rights of law-abiding citizens.

Researchers from Duke, Harvard and Columbia universities analyzed data from more than 5,000 face-to-face interviews and discovered that nearly 9 percent of people in the United States have self-admitted outbursts of anger -- some of them getting into physical fights and breaking or smashing things -- and also have easy access to firearms. The researchers say one way to lower gun violence would be to prohibit those with violent misdemeanor convictions, such as assault or brandishing a weapon, along with those with multiple DUIs, from purchasing firearms.

Serious mental illness, which can lead to involuntary civil commitment and thereby legally prevent someone from purchasing a gun, only accounts for about 4 percent of U.S. gun violence, according to study author Jeffrey Swanson.

Walsh says there have been times he has turned away potential customers in his store who didn't seem mentally stable to him. He's told others to take a class before he sells them a weapon. He wondered, when he heard about the shooting a few miles down the road, if the perpetrator was one of his former customers. There's also an American Arms and Supply gun shop within half a mile of the incident.

But he doesn't believe that any additional laws or restrictions will reduce gun violence. He says the problem is that the country has gotten too far away from God.

Even in Ballwin, a relative bastion of safety, most of Walsh's customers say they buy guns for protection. During the protests in Ferguson, the store was selling so many weapons, they couldn't keep enough guns in stock, his office manager said.

Meanwhile, he sees nothing unusual about his store's proximity to a place where "a kid can be a kid."

"Any parent that doesn't educate a child on how to use a gun is foolish," he said. It's a part of life, he added.

Not everyone wants guns to be a part of their child's life.

No parent, regardless of their gun ownership, wants their child hurt or killed by a stray bullet or an angry, out-of-control person. There should be no argument around the notion that dangerous people should not have guns.

Those who dismiss research-supported suggestions on ways to reduce gun violence have accepted that these kinds of shootings are, in fact, a part of life.

The truth is: They don't have to be.

Health & Safety
parenting

Job-Search Tips for New Graduates

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | May 25th, 2015

Very soon after the graduation high wears off, the panic can set in.

Recent graduates worry about how long it will take them to land a job that leads them down a solid career path. Parents worry about how long their adult child will linger jobless in their home. With record levels of student debt and a tough economy, the competition for jobs is fierce.

Take heart, graduates and parents.

This year's college graduates will have an easier time finding jobs than those in years past, according to a report by the New York Federal Reserve.

The unemployment rate among college graduates continues to fall, and is now just over 5 percent. While the job market slowly recovers, there are ways for recent graduates to increase their odds of success.

Mark Smith, associate vice chancellor and director of the Career Center at Washington University, shared strategies to help students land that first career-oriented job.

1. Don't approach your job search like applying to college.

All graduates figured out how to get accepted to a university, but the job search requires a paradigm shift from what worked in the past.

"Students would like to (just) fill out forms, which is easy to do, especially on the Internet," Smith said. "But you cannot rely on the Internet and job boards."

Most jobs are not advertised, and the ones on massive online sites are flooded with applicants. Think of the job search more like dating, he said: It's about trying to find the right match, and it requires a lot of face-to-face interaction.

2. Research, reach out and rehearse.

Research the companies to which you want to apply. Tailor cover letters on what you can offer them rather than what they can do for you. Tweak your resume, too: While it can seem difficult, it should be customized for different types of industries and positions. Use words included in job listings to get through initial keyword filters and increase the odds that your resume might be seen by an actual person.

Reach out to your parents' friends, previous employers, friends' parents, relatives, anyone who might be able to tell you about openings in a given field. Don't be afraid to ask for a referral from anyone willing to help you. Follow up and send a thank-you note to whomever agreed to meet with you, even if it doesn't immediately result in a job.

Expand your network by requesting informational interviews to find out more about a career even when a company is not advertising a job for which you are qualified. Join your college's alumni group. Use your school's career office to get advice on your cover letter, resume and interviewing skills.

If you land an interview, be well prepared. Google the most frequently asked interview questions and practice your answers with someone.

3. Learn how to network. Networking with professionals will help you practice important skills. Don't check your cellphone or text while at a networking event or informational interview. Make eye contact. Ask questions. Don't be long-winded when asked a question. Dress professionally.

Join professional organizations and attend industry-specific events. Introduce yourself to people.

4. Get organized: Set specific daily, weekly and monthly goals.

Set goals for how many people you will personally contact, how many networking events you'll attend, how many follow-up emails or thank-you letters need to be sent, how many informational interviews you'll set up, along with how many job leads you'll pursue.

5. Revamp your social media presence. Clean up your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and remove unprofessional photos and remarks. Join professional sites like LinkedIn and accentuate the positive. Think of yourself like a brand. How do you project a brand? How do you protect a brand? You can search sites like LinkedIn to see how successful employees in an industry present and promote themselves.

6. The job search takes time and requires some hustle. But in the meantime, consider work that could lead to a full-time job: Volunteer with an organization, work part-time, freelance, consult or take on an (or another) internship.

7. Make yourself more valuable. Take classes or get certifications outside your degree that will boost your skill set and make you more valuable. Do not, however, enroll in graduate school for the wrong reasons. That can be a pricey mistake that only adds to a graduate's debt burden.

Don't expect to have it all figured out, Smith said. For most people, their 20s are a difficult time.

Four out of 10 students who graduated in the last two years report being underemployed, meaning they are working in jobs that do not require their degrees, according to a recent report by Accenture. Nearly a quarter of 25- to 34-year-olds live with parents or grandparents, up from 11 percent in 1980, according to Pew research.

"You're not alone," Smith said. "You are trying to figure out what you want to do with your life, and you're not going to figure it out at once."

Work & School
parenting

When Making Friends Is the Hardest Thing to Do

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | May 18th, 2015

Ellen Reed sent an email to her son's preschool two years ago, asking parents if their children would play with her son.

Her son, Robbie, is now 6 and high-functioning on the autism spectrum. He has had intensive therapies since he was diagnosed four years ago. One of his therapists suggested scheduled, supervised play dates to help reinforce social skills.

More than half the parents from his preschool class in suburban St. Louis volunteered to help out, and Robbie had regular play dates with classmates during the summers.

"It's been incredibly helpful," Reed said.

Playing with another child is actually pretty complicated. There are lots of social cues to pick up on and unspoken rules to follow. There are expectations about taking turns, sharing, asking questions -- things that may come easily to most children by a certain age, but require a great deal more practice for children with special needs.

Autism, in particular, which is characterized by difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people, can make friendship the hardest skill to learn.

Kim Stagliano, a Connecticut mom of three autistic daughters, has seen how isolating this can be.

"My girls do not have friendships with peers that aren't facilitated by an adult either at school or in therapy or at a camp," she said. The differences that set her children apart in elementary school widened as they moved on to middle school.

"By high school, it's really a chasm."

Her daughters are 14, 18 and 20. They have never been invited to a sleepover. They haven't been invited to a party since grade school.

They have nice interactions with other peers. "But that's not the same as a social life," Stagliano said.

She remembers a moment when her middle child, 13 at the time, stood at their front doorway watching a group of girls play outside in the neighborhood.

"Gianna wants friends," the girl said, referring to herself in the third person.

"It's a kick in your gut," Stagliano said.

She asked her daughter if she wanted to go outside.

"We can ask them if they want to play," she said to her daughter.

Gianna said no.

The situation was too intimidating.

Learning to initiate a conversation, engage and interact with a person is like learning a foreign language for autistic kids, Stagliano said.

"It's about breaking down social interactions into tiny, tiny steps, into things that most of us do not have to think about," she explained.

While there is much more awareness of autism than there used to be, many people may be unsure of how to encourage a friendship between a child who struggles socially and their own child.

How should the parent of a typically developing child attempt to include a classmate who appears to have few friends?

"Invite the child," Stagliano said. "Send the invitation." Then, call the parent. Ask if the child is on a special diet. If the invitation is for a birthday party, ask if the parent would mind staying with the child.

When Stagliano's children were invited to parties when they were younger, she would tell the hosting parent that she would bring her child's snack or cake since she was on a special diet, stay in the background during the party to make sure things were going smoothly, and leave when it looked like her daughter might be getting tired.

"Don't be intimidated," she said. "The mom will be so happy to get an invitation."

Reed, Robbie's mom, said her hopes and dreams for her child are the same as any other parent's.

"Will he be able to do well in school, go to college, get married and have a family?" she wondered. When he was diagnosed at 2, "I didn't think any of that was an option." Now, "he's doing so well, I think those options are distinct possibilities."

She expects her child will encounter many kind and generous children who will look out for him, as well as some bullies who may pick on him.

Maybe the skills he learns from his weekly, highly structured play dates with his peers will help him learn the social skills he needs to survive. She hopes to be able to continue them for as long as he needs.

"Maybe when you are 17, you shouldn't have your mom scheduling your play dates," she said. "But if that's something we need at the time, I'd totally be doing it."

Mental HealthFriends & NeighborsFamily & Parenting

Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • Ask Natalie: Wife having “too much fun” with another woman while she’s away?
  • Ask Natalie: Boyfriend and you at odds over abortion rights?
  • Ask Natalie: Does your mother-in-law-to-be have the right to plan a wedding brunch without your permission?
  • Last Word in Astrology for May 29, 2022
  • Last Word in Astrology for May 28, 2022
  • Last Word in Astrology for May 27, 2022
  • Give Yourself a Salad Break
  • A Very Green (and Greedy) Salad
  • Taming the Sweet in the Potato
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2022 Andrews McMeel Universal