Q: I struggle watching my school-age children go through challenges. My natural inclination is to step in and fix things for them whenever I can. That's what parenting is all about, right?
Jim: Respectfully, the goal of parenting is to raise our children to be responsible, mature adults who can function on their own. And sometimes that requires letting them struggle through a crisis -- or even fail -- and sort it out on their own.
Let's say your son waited until the last minute to write his English paper. It's halfway done when the computer crashes and his work evaporates. What would you do? Do you help rewrite the paper so it's ready on time and he gets a good grade? Or do you let him redo the whole thing himself and accept whatever grade he gets?
Many parents would jump in and rescue their child right away. Beyond just offering a helping hand, they'd do all the problem-solving for him -- or even call his teacher to handle the fallout if the paper wasn't turned in on time.
But your child will learn more if you allow him to work the problem through himself. While he likely won't get the grade he hoped for on his paper, he'll gain an even more important lesson: how to handle an unexpected crisis, with a bonus illustration of the value of advance planning. The answer isn't to waste hours complaining, or to expect someone else to fix the situation. He needs to learn to face a problem head-on and do what must be done to correct it.
We parents can often be too quick to rescue our children from pain. Maturity comes through overcoming challenges. What matters most is the child's resiliency and ability to deal with life's inevitable problems.
Q: What are your thoughts about following former dating partners on social media? I recently found the profile of an old boyfriend from my college days. We haven't communicated for years and I'm curious about his life. My husband and I have a strong relationship so I don't see this as a threat to my marriage.
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: The irony is that this would actually be easier to address if your marriage was struggling. The more difficulty a couple is experiencing, the more obvious it should be that outside intrusions or temptations are problematic -- so in that case I'd say "definitely no."
But even when the marriage is strong, as you've indicated, in my opinion the risks still far outweigh any potential benefits. That's why I'd strongly advise you to talk this over with your husband at length before you decide anything. Your marriage must be protected -- so be careful about exposing your relationship to threats of any kind, no matter how remote they may seem. Honestly evaluate your motives and discuss them with your husband before making a decision together.
Whatever form of contact you might make with your old flame, make sure that it can't be interpreted in the wrong way. In fact, you also have a responsibility to consider the potential impact your actions may have on your former boyfriend's relationship with his wife. Your marriage may be strong enough to accommodate a reestablishment of this friendship -- but your well-meaning overture could introduce a source of marital tension for them.
Social media can be a useful tool for sharing how you have respectively flourished and matured since you went your separate ways. But it can also become very tricky if suspicion or jealousy crop up -- and that's just not worth it. If you'd like more help sorting this out, our counselors would be happy to dialogue. Call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
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