Q: My middle-school son loves sports. But he grew four inches in one year and is awkwardly struggling in basketball. I'm never sure what to say to encourage him when he has a bad game; I just don't seem to have the right words or advice in the moment. Do you have any insights?
Jim: No matter their skill level, this is one of the real challenges of raising young athletes. Many parents jump right in to offering pointers for how the child can do better next time. But kids aren't looking for critiques of their pitching or reminders to grab those rebounds when the dust hasn't settled yet. Even well-intentioned remarks about "doing better next time" don't really help.
Once the sting wears off, your son will probably be open to suggestions for how he might improve his game. But the car ride home usually isn't the best time for a verbal recap of his missed shots.
Here's my suggestion. After the game, as he's shuffling back to the car with his head hung low, put an arm around him and simply say, "I sure love watching you play." That's it. Those words will tell your son that you love and support him, even when he loses or doesn't play very well.
That message -- that you love him and enjoy being with him, no matter how he performs -- is a key to reinforcing the critical relationship that goes far beyond sports. And it sets the tone for how you can help later. When he's finally ready to rehash the game, listen much more than you speak.
On a broader scale, several years ago I was privileged to interview authors David King (a college athletic director) and Margot Starbuck (former athlete and soccer mom) about their insightful book "Overplayed: A Parent's Guide to Sanity in the World of Youth Sports." It's a faith-based resource that's filled with helpful strategies for any sports-loving family.
Q: My younger sister's new boyfriend joined our family for Christmas. They're both college freshmen; they've been dating a few months, but are already talking about marrying "soon." We all like him but wonder if they should wait at least a couple of years. What do you think?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I'm generally hesitant to give "second-hand" advice, but in this case I can offer some observations. I usually advise couples to date for at least a year before getting formally engaged. Research shows that the first three to six months of a relationship is the "infatuation" stage. Essentially, the couple is "in love with being in love."
So, I think holding off on marriage for a while sounds like a good call. I'd suggest to this young couple that they continue to date and work on getting to know themselves, each other, and their respective families on a much deeper level before locking themselves into a commitment. Marriage isn't so much about finding the right person; rather, it needs to be a man and a woman both working on being the right person. I'd humbly recommend Focus on the Family's online community for young adults -- see Boundless.org.
Meanwhile, any couple can greatly increase their chances for marital success if they commit to a structured, reputable premarital counseling program that includes personality testing. The relationship test developed by our friends at Prepare and Enrich (CoupleCheckup.com) has a fantastic success rate at predicting which couples will have a happy marriage -- and which couples will encounter significant struggles within a few years.
Bottom line: marriage might work out fine if these young people marry during college, but their chances for success increase if they give their relationship an extra year or two.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
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