Q: After nine years of struggling, my husband and I both feel like our marriage is finished. We're ready to divorce, but we agreed to wait until the new year because we didn't want to upset Christmas for the rest of the family. Now that it's upon us, I wonder if we could still work things out. What's your take?
Jim: My heart goes out to you. I was saddened to hear a few years ago that some attorneys refer to January as "divorce month" -- because they see a spike in business this time of year. Many couples who are thinking of splitting up do just what you've done. They don't want to "ruin the holidays" for everyone else, so they just go through the motions until the new year rolls around. When the calendar turns, they're ready to do something about their broken relationship.
I certainly agree with one thing -- it IS time to do something about your marriage. But rather than divorcing, why not make a resolution to prioritize rescuing your relationship? Fixing what's broken likely won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Research conclusively shows that the significant majority of couples who stay married and work through their differences are happier later than those who divorce.
Meanwhile, despite what many people believe, divorce is not an easy way out. It's an emotionally traumatic process for everyone involved, no matter what time of year it happens.
So, with the new year, give your marriage another chance. You and your spouse have a fantastic opportunity to chart a different course through life together. We have many resources to help, starting with a staff of counselors who are available for a free consultation. And I'd strongly suggest our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives, which have an excellent success rate of saving marriages on the very brink of divorce. See FocusOnTheFamily.com or call 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). I wish you the best.
Q: Teachers and parents keep talking about the importance of resilience in our children. How can I help my middle schooler be more resilient this year?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Middle school is a season of uncertainty and insecurity in a child's development. Resilience is important -- but it can be defined differently, depending on who you ask. In my mind, resilience is impacted by how we personally interpret life and how we respond to those interpretations.
To encourage your child to build a resilient response to life, here are three core thought habits you can encourage:
-- Reframing thoughts. Help your child transform thoughts they are "stuck on" emotionally. For example, for nervous test-takers, help them shift their thoughts of dread. Encourage them to think of tests as opportunities to discover how much they've learned.
-- Establishing a growth mindset. Help your child redirect their mind toward learning and growing rather than seeking affirmation and acceptance through performance. For instance, when your child does not do well in a game, they may feel like a loser and fear they will not be liked anymore. It feels like their worth is at stake. However, a growth mindset considers this an opportunity to continue learning and developing. That's an essential part of growing up, becoming better, and competing.
-- Embracing struggles. Pain and adversity are important and helpful -- not something to avoid. Encourage your child to talk about the struggles instead of rescuing them from challenges. Listen attentively and empathize. Ask, "What do you need from me?" Show support and walk alongside your child as they work through difficult times.
Investing time with your middle schooler will help them learn to interpret life well -- providing important perspective to sift through their insecurities and misperceptions.
For more parenting tips, visit FocusOnParenting.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
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