Q: This coming year, our family wants to make a point of improving our communication with each other. It's easy to say we'll call and text more often, but beyond that, we're stuck on how to begin. Do you have any advice?
Jim: Here's an interesting fact for you: Spoken (or written) words account for only seven percent of communication. The rest is conveyed through our body language, eyes, expression and tone of voice. Think about that. If we're communicating with our family members primarily through text messages and email, we're losing more than 90 percent of our ability to connect on a meaningful level.
Families that truly thrive share a common trait: they invest time in face-to-face interaction. Here are a couple of suggestions for ways to work toward meaningful discussions in your household.
First, get the ball rolling with a simple question game around the dinner table. The first player thinks of a person or thing to be and says, "Who am I?" or "What am I?" Then everybody else takes turns asking questions and listening to the responses until someone comes up with the answer. Finish the round by having the player explain their choice and the reasons behind it.
Second, ask open-ended questions requiring more than a "yes" or "no" answer. For example, "What's been the best part of your week so far?" or "What made it so good?" Another good one is, "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be and why?"
The possibilities are limitless, but the goal is the same -- to prime the pump and get the waters of personal conversation flowing. Because without that, your connection as a family might start to wither away.
For more ideas to help your family thrive, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Q: I've heard that it's normal to have small irritations in a marriage. My parents fussed about little things all the time, and they seemed OK. So I can't understand why my wife and I seem to struggle in this area. What's your take?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Yes, just about everybody deals with small things -- somebody not taking out the garbage, somebody else leaving clothes in the middle of the floor, etc. Bickering about them may seem harmless, but that can put your marriage at risk. Let them go on long enough, and the "small" things create a big pile that can collapse your marriage.
The reason is that petty arguments aren't really what's wrong with your marriage. They're just masking deeper issues in the relationship. Somewhere, sometime, your spouse may have said or done something hurtful to you (or vice versa) -- and now that pain is covered up with anger. The sock on the floor becomes a trigger and ... fireworks.
Anger is easier than vulnerability. It's safer to argue about a sock than it is to talk about your deep hurts and fears. Some couples spend years senselessly fighting about small, unimportant irritations, all the while ignoring the deeper cancer that's killing their marriage from within.
So, the next time you get into a petty argument, ask yourselves, "What is this really about?" Dig into the deeper issues and work on healing them. You'll be surprised how freeing that process is, especially as you relinquish the agitation over small things. When couples resolve their deeper conflicts, the petty disagreements usually dry up on their own. And that makes for a much healthier relationship.
You'd both probably benefit from qualified professional assistance on this journey. Our staff counselors can help you get started; feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
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